Thank you..

At 40, life hits different. You begin to reminisce about the past; the choices that you made don’t seem that bad anymore- rather sweet. The people from your past have that soft glow to them and you begin to remember the little things. The bitterness has all gone and mostly, you would love to re-connect with them, laugh about how silly and fun you were and glad that life took its course when it did.

Yesterday, I was super late from work, the stress was sky rocketing and being a mother with the partner in a different city was taking a toll, this song from Saathiya popped up on one of the radio stations and I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t help but remember that nickname I was called by, that winking at me suddenly while he was talking to my dad that made me go crimson, those chocolate wrappers and little Love is.. cut outs that I still have, the bike rides in chilly evenings without appropriate winter wear, so much I fail to remember now, but when it does come to me, always and always leaves me smiling.

He was my firsts in mostly everything, the first time I held hands with a boy, my first confession of love, my first kiss, the first time I lied to my parents to meet him, in romance, and all the frills that come with it- probably my only one, because I didn't find or date men like him after that, and became closed and cynical and bitter and sad and not the person I was with him. There was so much pain that I could barely breathe and too much ego that helped in self-preservation, but if after all these years I have to be brutally honest- I wouldn’t trade that time for the world!

Maybe it’s the age, more maturity and more sense, but I’ve realized how beautiful it was. 

And for that- thank you!

A vacant feeling..

I don't know the kind of life I've been living the past few months. I can't say that I am unhappy, rather I am and it's all because of the joy that my work brings me. My work strangely impacts every aspect of my life and like a lot of people can, I cannot disintegrate myself from it. 

But apart from that, I am pretty much in shambles. With S not here, I lack motivation and zeal for anything in life. I have an OCD but my house is in a mess and I just can't be bothered. I love clicking pictures but its hard to find the subject in my everyday life while once it came so naturally to me. It's difficult to even form sentences and write properly or be enthusiastic for anything in life at all. And I can't even begin to talk about how hard it is for me to sleep, how nightmares scare me like never before.. It's like my living force is missing, that somewhere my soul has evaporated. 

And I know that it's just a phase and it too shall pass, that maybe like all things that have happened in my life to bring me to him, this is happening only because of my fear of mediocrity, that maybe these tough times are only there to show us better ones..

But how I miss him..

My little pep talk..

I think I am great at what I do- making shoes. It's not only something I love, but it comes naturally to me and am confident about it. All the places that I've worked at, have witnessed an all over business growth, improved product and a sustainable business model.

And after all of it, I doubt myself, talk about myself in a derogatory manner and simply have no knack whatsoever to market my strengths. I also realise that the more I think that it is not happening because of me, the more it will impact my attitude and body language.

Henceforth, I will believe in myself, come out and say that the growth happened because of me and that if I can take the blame for a business not doing well, I better get credit for its exponential growth..

Existence..

I no more know how to cope without him. And I never, ever thought that I will be in such a state.

 It’s been tough times for us lately with S’s job issues. So today, after a lot of drama and lack of opportunities here, he moved to Bombay. I stayed back and now I don’t know what to do with myself. He’s been the center of my world since we got married and his moving out made me realise somethings about myself:

-          -I have never been so dependent on anyone

-          -I no more need “space”

-          -I don’t know how to sleep in that big bed, all by myself

-          -I am cold throughout the night and need to use double blankets

-          -It seems all the laughter and joy has vanished from my life

-          -I can trade a lot with God, provided he comes back

-          -I’ve quit smoking, something I really loved to do

-          -I’ve realized that I write here only and only for myself

My entire schedule has gone hay wire:

-           -I woke up and snuggled in for a five minute nap, no more.

-           -While I took eons to get ready, he made the bed, watered the plants- I do it 

              now

-          -He took ages to eat breakfast and I fought with him for getting late- it doesn’t 

             even matter anymore

-          -I HAD to text him once I reached office, he can’t do much about my safety now

-          -Fought him if he took the car- I have it all to myself and now I don’t know 

             what was the big deal

-          -We checked with each other after lunch, and I miss it now

-          -The evenings that were the best part of my life as I got to see him, are the 

             scariest

-          -He’d wait for me with an open door when he heard the car being parked and 

             we raced home..

I don’t know now, I don’t..

Hoping against odds..

Most of the times, when I don't read the newspaper, when I am not at all aware of whats's happening around the world, my maternal instincts take over and I feel like I am ready to have a kid. More so for S's sake for I know what a wonderful dad he'll be and I just want to witness those moments where I am viewing both of them as an outsider.

Then I read these things on Syria, on the supposed recession coming in and it scares me. What if I can't give the same upbringing to my child that my parents did, what if I can't support it the way I would like to, or what if I am not maternal enough or responsible enough or too ambitious to think about anything but my career.

And then that tiny voice, the one that I always listen to, creeps in and says that it will all be perfect, that S will compensate for all that I lack, that he will overcome all my shortcomings like he's been doing all this while.

And then there's hope in the world and belief in my heart..

The past..

I know we read each other- infact sometimes I feel that's why we write at all, to let the other person know about ourselves. To sometimes say that how we are struggling with our lives in different manners, or how happy we are with the choices that we have made, or even say that at times we miss having old close friends around. We brag here or just be matter of fact.

I've even got ahead and bared my soul, stated the guys I've dated and how I've broken my heart a zillion times, something he's not have had to go through. I've had stories to tell and secrets to reveal. And the older I've grown, the easier it has become to do just that.

We've hated each others guts and I've hated how he replicates me (it pisses me off but yet it's sort of a sign that he's reading my space). And after all this while I wonder why we do that, when we've both moved and are happy and content with our own lives. Why this inquisitiveness still exists after all these years.

And I only get one answer- maybe we were just better off as friends..

Only him..

I often think about the "ifs" of my choices in life,

If I had more patience, if I'd given it a chance..

And then I think-

I wouldn't have had it any other way..

The best things in life have happened to me in haste, when I wasn't even thinking about them..

That chance would have been the dumbest thing I'd have done in my life..

He keeps so happy that I've made me re-think the concept of soulmates..