This thing called lonliness..

It was dark all around, dark and lonely and sad. It seemed that somebody had sucked the life out of her. She hated feeling that ways, procrastinating, juggling ifs and buts, trying to evade that fear that nothing would be right anymore, virtually giving it all up and running away.. She had been quite for more than ten hours and felt that if she stayed that way for a moment more, her mouth would get sealed and she wouldn’t be able to ever utter a word again, and not talking meant suicide, communicating had been her life line, her strength, probably one of the only things she prided herself for, and that fear made her scream into the empty apartment.. But there was nobody to hear her, nobody to reply or get worried and so she cuddled unto herself and let all those hushed emotions out: she cried!!

Ahem..

Juggling between finding a job AND a flatmate can be quite a task and am trying to do just that!! So anyone or who knows anyone (female), looking for a place in Gurgaon, please get in touch with me..

Help me guys!!

Coming back..

After being in Lucknow for a while now I’ve begun to see certain patterns within the place. The people here pick up whims and the whole crowd gets engrossed following the trend. The latest here is networking, everybody wants to know everyone, they talk about whose party each had gone to, discussing whose more popular.. At times it feels there’s some race happening and each wants to outdo the other but whom do they want to know, I mean who would the most popular ones want to know or do they find contentment in the fact that everybody knows them??

Perhaps it’s the festive season that’s brought out this trait amongst people or it’s the insecurity within them, the fear of being left alone?? Like wouldn’t someone want to hang out with like minded people, be around friends than just be with anyone for the heck of it??

Probably what I am seeing around me is new to me, I am unable to grasp how this place has grown like any big city where networking is a big deal, maybe being absent during this transformation has left me a little lost and I still associate myself with the city where small groups existed, where I had a tiny circle and that’s the only thing that mattered, where fun was being with them, being myself..

It’ll take me a while to grasp it all, to understand the dynamics of it, to grab the big picture but I doubt I’ll be up for it myself ever but then as I’ve always believed, it would all saturate to a single line: “ to each his own”!!

P.S: This post is not intended to offend anyone at all, its merely a something I've observed which is taking some time to sink in.

Laughter and smiles..

God, prayers, wishes, good fortune, all these words make two people pop into my head: my parents. So like always, during some pooja ceremony while thinking of them, I thought about when had I last seen my Dad laughing, laughing as in gurgling with joy, as in the eyes going small and that happy crazy sound being emitted by the vocal cords, and sadly I couldn’t remember that last time.. I remember him being happy, happiness that beings tears to the eyes, relieved happy but not “laughing”..

I then thought about me, when had I last laughed so hard that my eyes would begin to water? I sure did during school and then in college, even sometime while I was working but that seems like a distant memory now. I do remember the soundless laughter of mine but the people, the situation has faded so apparently it must have been eons ago. And then I realized that as I had begun to grow older, probably wiser, getting to know more about the world, understand the people around me better, I’d laughed lesser.

Now I crave for those unreasonable reasons that gave me such happiness, that made people around me look at me and get confused between the state of happiness and madness, when a typical look or expression from a friend resulted in fits of euphoria.. I’ve begun to long for for those moments yet again.

An angry post..

These days I find myself thinking about the two-facetness of it all: people, situations, moods, life!! I realize how taking somebody at their face value can be totally stupid and that no matter what, some people don’t change. They don’t stop being sad when somebody else does good in life or when life’s working well for a friend, irrespective of continuous efforts of that friend to be nice. They try their best to poison little things, relationships with other people to name a few..

I unfortunately happen to know somebody like that. For years I’ve tried to be nice, helping in the little way I can but mostly be happy for her. I have never wanted the same in return; just the fact that she keep her mouth shut, I mean is that asking for too much?? But no, this woman “has to” interfere in my life, she “has to” say the good part to me and be all bitchy before others.. Is it so difficult to mind your own business, keep your tongue under control and if none of these at least not be deceitful??

Damn, I hate such people and I wish I could do all but confront her, however, the very thought of disturbing all the harmony is stopping me from doing so..

The whys of my life..

Alright, without further delay, I'll get on with my nonsensical rambling..

- Why can't I get any sleep at this unearthly hour of 3:30 am?? Okie, that's fairly simple, I ended up having two mugs of coffee at Barista, getting carried away with the rains, the interesting book I was reading and by the stupid feeling of contentment that suddenly enveloped me. For a while I thought my life was awesome, to be thrown back to reality moments later..

- Why the hell did I have to "grow up"?? I mean I was dieing to become an adult, not having to go to school, earn myself, be on my own but nobody told me it would be that difficult and homework issues, boys problems, baby fat, pimples and curfew timings were but minor bits!!

- Why do I need to take decisions?? I hate doing that but neither do I like somebody else doing that for me.. It sounds cool to say that I'd rather blame myself and shit (which works for me at times too), but it never hurts to blame others..

- Why am I a Gemini (stupid one, its my parents fault!!) but I believe in the sun sign bit and think that confusion, indecisiveness, talking in paradox, not knowing what I want, being unfocused, stubborn, having my own way, being a freedom fanatic, such traits just arise due to belonging to this sun sign..

Yeh, I figured it out towards the end, its the way am born, the way I will remain and there's pretty much nothing I can do about.. I guess my whys are somewhat answered..

About homes and such..

Lucknow, especially the area I stay in has a lot of old buildings, with some new construction jutting far in between. Though I love modern architecture, those new houses with minimalist, all white interiors, dark brown furniture, huge skylights, et all but its the old homes that intrigue me.

I often happen to pass many such old homes with faded, mossed exteriors, big windows with semi broken panes and wonder about them. I imagine the interiors would probably be slightly faded with assorted furniture, things scattered, maybe a lie back chair, the ones with old floral covers, that familiar, cozy smell lingering on them. I visualise rickety, well used furniture, so old that each has a story to reveal or is occupied by its favorite people. The kitchen would be small and cluttered, very close to the living area so that when a meal is prepared, the whole house smells of it.. A washing area on the backyard with a green Videocon and a succession of clothes lines for those umpteen clothes, a circular staircase that would lead to the terrace with potted plants in assorted jars, pots, even bins or then maybe a well kept area..

I then proceed to imagine the kind of people living there. Whether it would be a big family or a nuclear one living in a big house, if they'd be a happy lot or the continuously cribbing kinds, if there would be any old people like grandparents in the house who'd have built this place with a zillion dreams and how they would be having so many memories attached to every room, every bit furniture, even the linen being used in the house.. If the house would have pictures all over the walls, telling bits about the people who've been a part of it (am especially biased towards old pictures, the black and white ones)..

But mostly I relate it to my place, a big and old house with a courtyard in the centre and even a well.. A house that is about 35 years old to which new wings have been added to accommodate additions to the family, a place which isn't that old when you compare it to the old heritage homes but its not new either, a place that I happen to love despite its clutter, inspite of the functional lines of one room merging into the other but that’s one place I'd rather be than anywhere else.. And I guess that’s what makes it home for me..

With nothing in particular..

Am writing this post for no apparent reason but merely to let myself know that I exist, in this world, on the cyberspace.. It is probably a confirmation of the fact (again to myself), that I can endure.

Basically, lots has been going on in my life, lots that am unwilling to write about at this moment. To summarise it all, currently my life is on hold, or as my dad put it, "sab kuch thama hua sa hai".. Hopefully all will be sorted out soon, till then I prefer to be cocooned.

P.S: Just realised that am talking in paradoxes.

When the fat lady cried..

After a lot of deliberations, it was decided that I would be joining my parents from Delhi to Muzzafarnagar (where my cousin’s wedding had to take place) with a friend of hers in her car. The route being slightly unsafe, we were to go to Noida to my cousin’s Mamaji’s and all the cars would move ahead together.

Muzzafarnagar is a small place with virtually no beauty saloons, I was to take the make-up artists from Delhi, which I did. I picked up these two people in my car, drove down to Sainik Farms and with the friend, to Noida. Even after reaching there on time, we were only able to begin the actual journey at 12:30 by which I was totally bugged, with a bad headache as I’d missed my morning tea (some addiction I have). Anyways, we reached safely by the evening by which I had lost my patience completely.

Chit-chatted a bit with everyone and then the bride-to-be began to get ready. I too started after an hour and a half and after the make-up and jewelry bit realized that the saree kinda thing (actually a readymade saree where you just have to slip into it like a skirt and then drape the pallu) was tight from my waist. Apparently, my contribution to my clothes limited to the extent of giving measurements and the boutique person made it as per my waist size rather than slightly below it. So for one, I had to wear it like really high, which on wearing heels looked even more short and adding to the agony, it was mildly crushed, to which there was no solution again. Now all of you must realize that I was very important at this wedding due to my singular status and I “had” to look good.

After a lot of tantrums, fights and crying before my Mom and my sisters (I dunno how and why they tolerate me at all), I managed to look quite nice and leaving the makeup artists in the hotel itself as they were to leave for Delhi the very night, we left for the venue. On reaching, I got a call from them that the cab hadn’t arrived and a commotion began. It was my responsibility to get them back and virtually after two hours of struggle, we managed to get them dropped (a different post on that fiasco later).

Ultimately the wedding was a lot of fun: I did manage to carry the saree quite gracefully, a feat in itself and got complimented too; the juta churai (shoe stealing ceremony) was a piece of cake and my brother-in-law gave me a ring for it (imagine getting an award for stealing stuff).

What I loved the most was the tata scene that all thanks to the now-bride went off without the usual crying. She’s one strong-willed person and said that she’d rather say her byes happily than going off crying. So that’s how the wedding ended, with lots of love, happiness, fun, family and laughter, the way it should have!!.

At the risk of sounding rude..

It is said that when it rains, it pours.. July-December is the busiest time of the year for me. A time when I am loaded with work; high work pressure and long hours lead to some mistakes which further trickles down to a lot of shouting and screaming, the result an extremely pathetic day.

You call home to find some solace but amidst all the marriage festivity everyone is distracted, making you miss home all the more. One by one the phone is circulated between all the aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, they laughing, singing, dancing and mocking you for not being there. The sarcasm is evident when they say “tum to bas naukri karo” (you just do your job), without realizing that this is the last thing you want to do, when all you want is to run home. The choice you’ve made is for a reason, for the sake of your independence, freedom and not for money (as mentioned a few times by some relatives).

Everybody knows that money is an important but not the only factor I work for.. What they don’t understand is that I care for what I do, that I hold responsibility for my actions, or even for the lack of it. So though I miss home terribly, the fact remains that I can’t quit everything, a fact that sooner my family accepts, the better it would be for all of us.

Behavioral confusions..

At times I fail to comprehend a lot of things, call it my lack of observance or plain ignorance. I fail to understand behavioral patterns of certain people, what makes them tick, how their psyche functions and I detest not knowing, the absence of me figuring out the reason/logic behind any kind of disorder..

It confuses me.

Conversing in the present..

Can’t get away without this one. Have been going through a strange time right now in terms of people, feelings, the very surroundings in general and all the zig-zag has left me confused and a little bugged.

All the traveling I did this month was a lot of fun. “Fun”, a word I need to remind myself of more and more: fun with work, with friends, fun reading, fun doing nothing. Anyways, I need to get back into the grind, work and yet have fun like the good ol days.

A peculiar kind of pressure has built up at home with me being the only spinster left. My younger sister gets married next month and my niece sometime this year. I can virtually hear the worry in my parents’ voices. They think that I’d be upset and all and try to keep themselves calm before me but the fact is that I got too much on my plate to even think on this issue.

This month has also been kinda an eye opener for me. My birthday made me realize about certain people I have in my life. I’ve been off on certain terms with my family but now given up. My past worked against me and I got nothing to say in my defense. But now I’ve grown up and hopefully the howling scene of the last time won’t repeat itself no matter how much it actually hurts. Am also scared of letting somebody off the hook but its inevitable.

Lately, its been impossible to control my temper regarding this dude at work. He’s not a bad chap work wise but other than that, he irritates the shit out of me. I get so pissed with his fucking behavior where he pretends to be my knight in shining armor that I can barely keep myself from abusing or slapping him. He’s trying to force me to go out for dinner with him and I CAN’T!!

Now a certain call has distracted me from the whole issue and I’d say you guys should be glad of the same or I’d have gone on and on considering my present state of insanity.

P.S: This is the first time I've used foul language in my space but I couldn't find another subsitute that would show how angry I am and am not proud of it.

Varying definations.

"This was what happiness was- he'd never known it before; this melting away, this exhalation, your guts spilling into your head, filling your eyes- your mind transformed into your body, your body instinct with the joy in your mind, this sensation of reality having met its end." The Glass Palace by Amitav Ghosh.

I found this scribbled on a piece of paper I found deep within the pockets of my bag. And I remember jotting it down because it was one of the nicest ways I'd read love being described as. I seem to derive a new meaning out of it on every read.

The undisclosed stuff..

This one’s a dicey tag: one that wants me to reveal secrets.. But as the trend goes, I’ll be slightly evasive like burf who tagged me. The list goes like this:

1.I envy people who’ve stayed in foreign countries on their own. I too want to do that just for a tiny bit of it.
2.I love my parents beyond anything.
3.I have a habit of touching my earlobe while sleeping.
4.At times I do not understand lyrics of a lot of English numbers.
5.My idea of romance includes candlelight and fragrance (and I claim not to be mushy).
6.I get embarrassed when a guy approaches me.
7.I can’t understand anything remotely concerning numbers.
8.I love wit.
9.Temptations are very difficult to let go of by me.
10.I think I’ve come this far by sheer luck and some honesty and I possess no real talent.

I think I revealed way too much than I intended to and like always, I do not pass this one to anybody. Please do it if you want to and I’d love to read it.

The long and short of it..

- I suck at treks. I did pretty well climbing up and going down but the fatigue was beyond imagination. This in spite of that hour and a half regime I've been trying to follow.
- My tolerance level is much more than I thought. The bathing area near the Temple was beyond dirty/gross, I managed to take that bath and not crib.
- People have dual personalities, personal and professional For now I like my boss and I know tomorrow I'll get back to disliking him.
- I don't know how to fend off that guy without being mean.
- That sleep after one Combiflam was blissful, I think I connected with God.
- Its strange how that one person is the only one you want to see no matter how strongly you dislike him when you are totally lost in a strange place. I couldn't control my emotions after I saw my boss after almost two hours of being lost.
- Some people inspire faith just by their mere presence.
- I am lucky, I've people who love me, I realised that on my birthday.
- My birthday/trip from which I had zilch expectations was very good.
- I need to exercise more.

Of venting it out..

I was intending to write about something else, about how I like to watch the just arrived baby pigeons that look like little fur balls in the nest on my bathroom ventilator. About how I am obsessed with hands and feet of people, probably them being one of the first things I notice about anyone, the bone structure, the length of palm versus the fingers, the neat or cluttered lines that run across it, the nails, their shape, everything, and how I click them more than the faces whenever am doing that bit of photography..

But now am going to ramble about my work. Lets be honest, am not great at what am doing currently, neither do I enjoy it half as much as I did designing but am learning, giving my best shot and trying to get there. The annual increment was depressing, although I hadn’t expected even that much but then what the heck, am human and humans compare and when I did compare with my colleagues, I felt like crap.

Adding on to the brunt, I unfortunately told the exact figures to someone!! The calculations begun, the increment against the inflation rate and then my consequential increase in purchasing power.. That sucked big time!! I mean its alright to be totally practical but at that moment I didn’t need that, I wanted a friend who could tell me that money was shit and that it didn’t matter and like my Dad always says, I don’t work for money, I work to keep myself occupied, I work because I love to do what I do and primarily I work to achieve my ultimate goal (and am not revealing that one!!). The discussion kinda hurt my dignity and probably later I’d realize the importance of this reality check, but not now.

Anyways, the only consolation is that on the whole my account shows a very good figure and I’ll be buying myself that IPod Shuffle I’ve been waiting for!!

P.S: Am damn tempted to post my salary slip and ask for comments but I know I'll regret it later on so I shall refrain!!

Through the mind's eye..

As indicated in my previous post, boredom has captured my life and inspite of my many efforts to get over it, I’ve failed miserably. This boredom has led me to visualize places I’d like to go to, mostly those the ones I’ve read in books..

-Paris: It’s considered the most romantic city of the world. The museums like Louvre,the Churches lend to the city a certain charm and mystery, especially intensified by Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code. And then its got that dream like flavour to it, lent by the painters, musicians, the architecture, I can go on..
-Egypt: Pyramids, mummies, architecture, grandeur, mystery, need I say more!!
-Kerala: “God’s own country”, how aptly said.
-Vegas: The glamour, the larger than life image, the blinding lights, the sheer richness and opulence!! I once want to have enough money to be able to blow it off at the best casino there and hopefully not regret it too.
-Russia: For reasons unfathomable to even me, but as somebody tried reasoning my own reason, romance perhaps. I got enchanted by that place after reading Ayn Rand’s We the Living.
-Bahamas: The three S’s..
-Morocco: There’s a certain royalty about that place, a cultural heritage and that enigma factor, something that most of the Islamic cities have. Plus, I like the way its pronounced..
-Ladakh: The hills, the clear blue skies and lakes, the serenity, the air that is so fresh and cold that it hurts when you breathe, the subdued paleness where one colour blends into the other, like a water painting, the whiteness so stark that you have to shut your eyes.. No I’ve not been there, not yet!!
-Tibet: Buddhism inspires me, rather fascinates me even though I do not know much about it.
-Australia: Gotta see the coral reef and witness the Opera once in my lifetime.

These are the places I’ve heard about, read about, wondered of but am sure there’d be a zillion others that though do not have the discovery or enigma factor I look for in a place, they’d be a wonder just for the beauty, the peace, the ones am still to learn of and add to the list.

Umm..

The days are a reflection of each other, one days passes and the next approaches but when you think about the past, its all a blur, simple succession, just a conversion of minutes into hours and hours into days. Sometimes it feels like that lull before the storm or being the eternal optimist that I am, autumn before spring. The excitement, that surprise element seems to have evaporated out of life and the only piece of conversation I have is how bitchy the other flat mate of mine is. I don’t even feel happy about spending those two hours at Landmark the other day, a treat I gave myself when I was totally outraged with life.

The worst part is, earlier I use to read books/blogs and get inspired by them to write something of my own, I had so much to share that ideas buzzed in my head. Now the condition is entirely opposite, there is happiness in my voice, but a hint of boredom too, the smile on my face is accompanied by a lameness of expression and if this trend continues, I’ll lose all my friends- they’d be shit bored being with me.

Currently, am bored of all the things I love: books, people, sarcasm.

To do or not to do..

Since past a lot of weekends, I’ve been home alone.. Friday nights bring me to an empty apartment that lacks basic necessities like drinking water, vegetables, grocery, et all. So I drive myself back to the market, shop, call for the water can and prepare the place for a comfortable weekend.

However, past week has seen me toying with the idea of living on my own. I mean, one has roommates to talk to, to go out with, to share but as am my own virtually on all of the above mentioned issues, the idea of being alone has been growing on me. I’ve never done that before inspite of being out for almost 9 years and I have a zillion ifs and buts, a lot of inhibitions but the thought has pre-occupied my mind tremendously. I even spoke to Mom and Dad about it and surprisingly they were alright with it. Dad even went ahead and said that I should begin to look for a studio apartment kind of arrangement in a posh locality and then he and Mom would come down to settle me in. So if all goes well, I should be out by winter beginning.

Another thought I got on my mind is a tattoo. I’ve wanted a shooting star on my ankle for ages now and after seeing Ani’s, I’ve been dying to get one. It’s a matter of preparing myself to bear all that pain and finding the appropriate person to do it that’s stopping me. Again, amazingly enough Mummy is cool with it (and I am shocked with her reaction!!).

Next comes this contemplation of putting up a picture of myself on the blog. The picture does not show much of me, just a shadow kind of thing but going so public on the blog, when I’ve never even used the names of people I know, let alone myself, seems awkward..

Am hoping I’ll come to a decision on all of the above issues, how soon is a question I need to answer for myself

J's tag.

Last movie you saw in a theater
Khuda Kay Liye

What book are you reading
Life of Pi

Favorite board game
Ludo

Favorite smells
Green Apple; Earth, post rains; Kerosene; Mint.

Favorite sound
Laughter

Worst feeling in the world
Loneliness/ Missing family.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up
Can I afford an extra five minute sleep??

Favorite fast food place
McDonald's

Future child's name
I'll reveal it after the baby comes out!!

Finish this statement. "If I had a lot of money, I'd...."
Travel, travel and travel...

Do you drive fast
Hmm.. depends entirely on where I've to get to and whom to meet.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal
I don't like sharing my bed with ANYONE.

Storms- Cool or scary
Totally cool.

What was your first car
First and current car: Wagon R.

Favorite drink
Lemonade

Finish this statement. "If I had the time, I would..."
Get bored.

Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
Only if its properly boiled and very easily chewable.

If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
I got "virgin hair" and I plan to keep it that ways..

Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in
After being tagged by J and reading his list, mine seems non-existent.. Its just Lucknow, Chennai, Gharaunda and Gurgaon for me.

Favorite sports to watch
Ice skating.

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you
He's funny and he loves to read.

What's under your bed?
My travel bag.

Would you like to be born as yourself again?
I'll have to ask my parents if they'd like to have me as me, yet again!!

Morning person or night owl
Somewhere in between.

Over easy or sunny side up
Sunny side up.

Favorite place to relax
My bed;loo.

Favorite pie
Apple pie.

Favorite ice cream flavor
After 8, basically chocolate with mint.

Of all the people you tagged this to, who is most likely to respond first?
Most of the people I know have already done this one, the ones who've not, won't be interested and the ones who are can take it up themselves.