Stop..

Can this nonsense please stop.
I've been craving for stability, to stick to a place and do well for myself but the ambiguity, be it personally or professionally comes in way.

Please let S get a proper spot here so that we never, ever have to move.
Just please..

Feelings that scare you..

I read books and end up feeling that they are real people. How the characters are developed, make me think that I am a person that doesn’t feel half the things. But then when I think and I really think, I do realise my own nuances and traits. There’s one such incident from the past..

I was in NIFT then, probably my second year. I had begun dating A and since it was a long distance relationship, I ended up being on my own pretty much while all my friends were trying to woo their respective ones.  And I didn’t mind at all- I was super sure and secure in what I had but there were these bouts of loneliness that I had.

This one night, we had all gone out clubbing. I didn’t drink since he didn’t like it but went out to be with friends anyways. We ended being out very late and since couldn’t go back to the hostel, went over to a senior’s place for a night over with everyone. She knew us and the boys very well and didn’t have a problem if we just wanted to crash.  So while everybody slept- T, M and I sat up late, talking. Rather, it was them talking and flirting while I was just there panicking on being left out alone since T was my best friend. I still remember the feeling, it was just so weird, that feeling of completely being left out.

They anyways ended up dating and I ended up being on my own, which wasn’t too bad actually- all thanks to S who turned out to be a brilliant friend.

Now when I think about it, it repulses me on what I was trying to do but I guess there are some feelings that just don’t ever leave you no matter embarrassed you are of them. They make you realise how shallow you can be and how insecure. And how you just want to leave a part of yourself behind and  forget that a weakness like that ever existed..

Nostalgia, fear and hurt- the unbeatable trio..

• So there were no "miss you's" this time when everyone in the family met. No texts or phone calls saying that I should have been there or how the fun was halved without my presence. I guess I am beginning to fade into that ambiguity with even my family now and that hurts terribly
• On that drive back I did think of him. We were talking about the old days in school, of friends and old times and there was this tangible urge to reinstate contact- friendships like such are hard to come by
• The idea of having a kid scares and excites me at the same time. I would like to think that I am ready for it but every time I think of the strings that will tie me down with the responsibility, I freak out 
• Am super scared of what life has for me in store, it is just so hazy at the moment
• I've put on weight and its disgusting. So it's bald and fat currently- need I ask for more

Just nonsense..

• Life changes after getting married: like so many relationships, it gives you wings and yet clips you down
•  Friends then, not so friends now.. Maybe a little more patience, attention and maturity would have found her in a better place or maybe it happens to everyone
• Parents are the only people who stall their lives for you, while we race ahead
• Getting nostalgic about home: Ma, Papa and that security I feel only with them. I refuse to grow up
• A little more practicality, some more sense and a control over emotions: she’s never found herself lacking in so many aspects all at once

Just what will it take to feel more in her skin, accept who she is..

Angry things..

You say things,
He says things,
The threshold is crossed,
You almost want to quit, give up.. 

Bloody, stupid insecurities..

It’s very strange- I have sort of a perfect life. I mean, one can be fussy about all that’s missing but once you compare it to what you have, it’s negligible. Still, yes “still”, I always fancy someone else's life. They are prettier, sizzling hot, more suave, more successful, brilliant orators, super intelligent, witty and funny, genuinely nice, dramatically lucky, excellent PR, stupidly ignorant, full of themselves- basically more in their skin.

And how I wish for a miracle..

Something funny's happening..

She needs a sign, just to be sure..

There's no letting go..

In the midst of everything vanishing, fading, losing essence,
the name stuck- "Sam"..

Fireworks..

It has been so many years and I think they’ve both moved on, they’ve achieved what they set out to in life. Being ambitious that they both were, no high will be too high but there is belief that they are content in their spaces, happy about the choices they made in the past and glad that destiny intervened when it did.

But I do get curious too- what if their paths cross again, if a conversation happens: will there still be fireworks..

Because saying goodbye is never easy..

I sometimes wonder how I can abandon this place for months- a place that has given me so so much that I can’t possibly put into words.

I remember finding my way here when I was heartbroken for the first time. Initially (and I hate to admit it), I began writing just to prove that it didn’t hurt, that I was too strong for a relationship to break me.  At that time, I wasn’t cynical enough and this place wasn’t personal enough so I posted the link on Orkut- not only could friends read it and testify for my bravery, but “he” could too and I knew that he would get sooo pissed off seeing that I was not that sobby girl who he’d left behind but someone who couldn’t care a damn. It was mission accomplished, or I’d like to believe so..

Slowly, I began writing more and weirdly enough people were reading me even though I’d removed my link from Orkut. I began sharing my fears of starting all over again (something I was going to do quite a few times in the years to come), of being around new people. When work got tough or I failed miserably in another relationship- this was my “go to” space, only this time the "boyfriends" weren't aware of here. Being that super private person I was, I wouldn’t write how I felt in as many words but indicated enough for me to vent out everything inside me. I never took names, never have, never will and that made it soo much easier. 

I also began reading so much on other spaces and they gave me strength, I’d made some nameless friends who just knew me and since there was no mandate to be nice/ be in touch all the time, I grew close to them through words only, it was just so simple. The intervention of Twitter made things change and a lot of people moved from here to there. Some things happened in my life too that made me stay away from here for long gaps- getting engaged and it not working out/ falling in love and not being reciprocated to name a few. So I usually visited this space in my bouts of melancholy, which were often too soon..

After a string of rubbish relationships, S happened and I stopped coming here as regularly as I did. He has become my “go to” person now- for everything! I know I will not be judged- just accepted, he gives me the same feeling that I get with my parents, of being loved unconditionally, of his having more confidence in me than I have on myself, laughing at my silliest of jokes, putting me to sleep, even telling me stories when I can’t; and I can obviously go on..

So the reason I am writing this is because it’s going to be a decade of here in July and when I go back to my earliest post, I didn’t have much to write about, to now when I am in a similar situation. I started because I was broken and now, after a decade when I think he fixed me I am tempted to say goodbye.

Let’s see..

Being corny..

And then I fell in love like one falls asleep:
Slowly and then all of a sudden..

Mercy..

I have been working for 10 years now and although it may not seem a lot but I’ve slogged all this while, tried doing complete justice to every facet, treated it like it’s my life. I have taken so much stress that I’ve lost hair and feel weird about how I look.

I have tried being fair and kept shut about things that have bothered me. Then why cannot I get that tiny bit of recognition that I so want. Why do I have to struggle for everything- money, respect, recognition, even acknowledgement. I might be doing something wrong and I have no idea what.

Mercy please..

Signs and more..

It's my birthday- again! So let's forget all about that and write what I came here to..

I have been feeding birds for years now. Everyday after my pooja (prayers), I scatter a palmful of lentils and some rice on the balcony and wait for birds, mostly pigeons to rush to them. 

While I was in Delhi, for almost 7 years, these little guys had learnt the timings. They'd already be waiting for me when I went out and by the time I was leaving the city, some of them had even begun eating out of my hand. 

I have been in Bangalore for a year and a half now and like always, scattered the grains everyday- only to see them go waste, until lately. A few days back when I left out food for the birds, I saw a pigeon fly to it. While I waited behind the balcony door, I somehow could sense it's anxiety while pecking at these. I smiled to myself, somewhat with relief even. The next day there were more of these birds so I increased the quantity and now there are about 12 pigeons that greet me in the morning. 

I felt relived because I've associated home with them, it's like my soul has accepted the place and this is it's way of communicating this to me. It's amazing, the sort of peace I feel when I see them pecking at the food I leave out for them and the joy when I wake up S to watch that scene with me is incredible..

I guess I am finally content now, from the inside..

And it's come down to this..

So my little nephew refuses to study and my sister scolds him:

N: What will you become when you grow up if you don’t study!

S: I will become a politian..

N: ??

S: If Modi can become the prime minister being a tea boy, I can too..

It's great that he’s 4 years old and so aware, and also that Modi can aspire anyone to become whatever they want to, and it does sound pretty great.

But like really.. 

The shedding process..

I cannot deny the fact that I’ve been in love quite a few times. And it has never been the casual sort of love, on the contrary it’s been the intense kinds where I have mostly wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

I first fell in love when I was probably 17 years old. We were best friends in school and the irony is that we began dating only after we moved to different cities, meeting just once a year. Despite all that, it lasted 6 years and came very close to ending the way we wanted it to. That never happened and I was left with a lot of bitterness for a long time to come. I swore to myself, (the way we do when our hearts get broken for the first time), that I would never fall in love, never date, but mostly I learnt that I will never compromise what I wanted to be for anyone- and that was my first lesson in love.

The promise didn’t last long and before I knew it, I was dating again. Again in different cities, hardly meeting each other. Countries changed and breakups happened. This time however it was different, for once it was mutual so there were no tears as such, just a hollow feeling that you get when you revert to being single after years. Obviously I’d matured and things were easier- or so I thought.

The next one was sort of weird and am still not sure if I was seeing him. Stupid as it may sound, I actually didn’t know. I had been terribly attracted to this person for years but always thought that I was totally out of his league. Again different cities (which had become so my thing- I could compartmentalize my life, have my career, my own set of friends and not be answerable to anyone, rather bound by anything), but it was much more intense than anything I’d ever experienced. At one point I thought that I could never have a normal relationship after him, I’d become so used to not talking for months, or zero expectations that I had begun believing that’s probably how it worked. I had too much of pride and ego to even question what was happening. When this one ended, I thought my life would end and it didn’t. The wall I thought I’d built around myself came crashing down and I just went numb.

Not for long I must say! I began dating yet again and the similarity was so acute to the previous one that I thought that if I went through the trauma again, I might just collapse. So when S asked me out, I simply said yes. We were very good friends, he treated me like china, always took care of me and tolerated all my tantrums. I assumed that if he was soo good to me as a friend, he would definitely treat me well as his partner. I was starving for a normal relationship, where you could call the person anytime you wanted to, where you didn’t have to hide behind the wall and he gave me that and much more. The doubts I had about ever being in love again- without pride or ego and selflessly have long been shattered because that’s the kind of love I received and I simply had to reciprocate it.

The reason am writing the much hidden story of my life is because:

-        -  I have wanted to come out in the open for a very long time.

-        -  I couldn’t care less of what people think of me now

-          But mostly because whenever I've dated someone, I've never confessed of it in public. It's been like hiding it, and not telling about it to anyone. So when I read someone on insta of how she had fallen in love and couldn't care less what people thought of her, how she showed her excitement about meeting that person, it made me so happy.

 I realized that love is not a thing to hide.  When you give so much of yourself to a person, there is nothing to be ashamed of it. You were young, you made mistakes and you learnt or maybe didn’t but these will be with you for the rest of your life and mostly you’ll look back at them only with fondness- I do..

Making mistakes and such..

Maybe I will always be an outsider. Outsider to jokes, to bonding, friends, colleagues, relatives, everything..

I have never managed to make close friends, people never like me at first instance and mostly everyone gets inhibited by that invisible wall I seem to have created around myself. I make progress and then pushed back again. I move one step forward and end up in square one. I try to be kind and patient, maybe too much so, and then taken for granted.

I learn, only to forget as quickly. And then there’s no denying the fact that it hurts terribly..

Happy posts..

The "happiness" clippings make me feel soo good.. :) So I just thought I'd write things that make me happy:
- I feel overwhelmed by what I feel for him, its amazing to be in love with exactly the right person..
- I will live by the sea, maybe later in life..
- I was talking to Ma today and she said she didn't realise how quickly we grew up, she still thinks of us as little kids..
- Writing makes me happy

... :)

Easier said than done..

My sister's travelling and I am playing a long distance, temporary guardian to my teenage niece.
Bloody scary..

Broken things, not so broken now..

I've been reading someone's blog for a long time, she doesn't read mine. I could relate to her, similar qualms of singular status, cruel boys we got attracted to and who broke our hearts, fierce ambition, that perpetual need for freedom, the paranoia of being tied down, love for our family, big ego and larger pride, the endless list..

I recently found out that she's married now (like me) and I wonder how quickly these things happen and our worlds change. How you are so content in life that you just abandon this space (but can never stay away long enough). And how all the pain, pride and everything else transforms into absolute love for that one person around which your whole world begins to revolve now..

Getting curious..

I don’t think I am a very curious person as such. I usually take things at their face value and don’t introspect much about them. However, I have exceptions as always:

People from my past: I often wonder about them- how they are doing in life generally (not in a curious way, just how friends wonder about each other). If they are truly happy, barring what Facebook says, and mostly what will our conversation be like if we ever chose to connect back again. I can chose to stop thinking about it, simply pick up the phone and give them a call (I do remember most of the numbers from the non- cellphone days), but I just can’t bring myself to. I dread the what ifs of being taken wrong, of pride being hurt or being laughed at. And so I just don’t..

Homes: I love homes- they needn’t always be well done ones, just places with identity and character. Whenever I look at any photograph taken at somebody’s place, I sort of turn my head a little so that I might catch a glimpse of some more. I know that photographs aren’t three dimensional but it’s something that I can’t help- my inquisitiveness to see more. There are old places where things are depilated, furniture that’s gone old and rickety, the functional lines of one room merging to the other, I love that. And then the modern houses, with clean lines, beautiful light and organized clutter, with plants and such. To me, a home says more about people than shoes..

And with that I leave here with a picture of my house, my favorite place in the whole world..