Addicted...

Past two days have been hell for me, reason being: MY CELL PHONE IS NOT WORKING!! I mean these two days made me realize how addictive I was to technology. Yesterday my condition was like: my phone wasn’t working, my laptop had no charge and icing on the cake, there was no electricity, I couldn’t even read and so I resigned myself to the fate and I thought!! I thought about my desperation to be connected to the world somehow, I thought of the days when I didn’t possess any of these and it made no difference to my life, I thought about the previous hours I had spent running around the place to get my cell back in shape (without success obviously), I thought about how I had my parents all frantic thinking that they had not paid my bill and hence the disconnection (yes, my parents still pay my phone bills inspite of the fact that I am earning now and can very well afford to pay them, that’s my dad’s way of keeping a check on my life, smart move I must say!!) only to realize that it was not the case at all, there is a problem with the instrument…

From the above I just concluded that no matter how hard I try to console myself that I can stay without these amenities, I know that I cannot and probably never will: AM ADDICTED!!

Untitled.

About two months back, after almost a year of being home for a very long time, I moved back to a new job, new life… Things weren’t going good for me the past year and as I’ve previously mentioned, I was virtually desperate for some sort of “decorum” in my life, and after moving out, I got it.

Now I design footwear, something which I love to do. The work is pretty tedious and by the end of the day when I get back from office, I am completely deflated, have my dinner, chit-chat a bit with my flat mates and then with my friends on the phone and dose off. My parents have been awesome and even got me a car when I told them how difficult commuting was and hence things are pretty smooth for me. I go for movies, shop, go for late night drives, earn decently, have a great family, awesome friends and yet there’s this emptiness to life, something missing in this almost perfect life of mine.

There’s something that keeps nagging me, some kind of insecurity that’s gone to my head and I constantly fear losing the people I love…

I have no clue why am putting it on the blog, why I am sharing my fears with people I don’t know yet there’s some sort of pleasure unburdening myself here,on this blog and that’s the best justification I can give of putting this stuff here which would rather be in my diary…

Reading helps.

As you must have already guessed by now, I am highly influenced by what I read. The following is another such example which has proved to be quite true for me... It goes like:

God sends us the right people, exactly when we need them. At times they fulfill that momentary need and go away and at other times, they linger on and make our lives better...

Ever wondered why we end up finding that one person who can cheer us up at the gloomiest of times??

Whats smelling??

Strange as it may sound, smells leave a lasting impact on my mind and I often end up associating people and places with them. At times these fragrances are used by me or the people around but a lot of times I tend to pick them up at the most random places like the coffee shop I visit often or like that smell of green apple that just grew on me.

Basically, smells leave an enthralling effect on me and I couldn’t resist from writing about something that intrigues and fascinates my senses as they do… So here’s a short list of them that I could recollect, mostly the ones that I am conscious of…
- Fresh paint.
- Green apple candle
- Clean hands
- Infants, just after they’ve had a bath.
- Roses
- Coffee
- That tangy smell of the aftershave my dad wears.
- Soil, post rains.
- Clothes washed and dried.
- Baby Johnson’s powder
- Chocolate.
- Orange peel
- Gucci/ Lacoste

An addition of any other smells you like is welcome. Probably they would be ones I myself like but am unaware of or some new ones I’ve never kown… so feel free and add on…

All that I want…

Here’s a list of qualities I want in a guy, I know its not possible and I also know for a fact that even if such a guy exists, I just might not be attracted to him but nonetheless, here’s my list…
This one should be:
- Honest
- Crazy
- Sensible
- Handsome
- Intelligent
- Flirt with me.
- Protective
- Should buy me flowers… and chocolates once in a while, without any reason.
- Should call me thin even when am bloating, and “yet” be honest!!
- He has to make me laugh… a lot.
- Believe in a bit of charity.
- Let me be stupid…
- MUST RESPECT MY PARENTS
- A person I can talk to for hours…
- Must have nice hands.
- He has to smell good.
- Patient, after all he’s with me!!
- Intuitive.
- Interesting
- Witty
- Funny
- Must dance well and be able to make me dance… a bit to his own tunes as well… ;)
- Give me space and yet care.
- Love to travel.
- Enjoy art.
- Respect my dreams and ambitions.
- Respect my work.
- Take me to a very expensive restaurant for candle light dinner, just once a year.
- Pamper me for no reason.
- Love to talk, and talk ... and talk more, and then listen too.
- Let me shop.
- Help me shop!!
- Have an opinion.
- Respect my independence.
- Take me to a proper date, with flowers and works!!
- Take me to Opera, once in my lifetime.
- Fun
- Surprise me.
- Must be clean.
- NEVER take me for granted.
- BE IN LOVE WITH ME!!

I wonder if someone like the above exists but whats the harm in dreaming!!;)

Positive Thinking!!

Following is a conversation that I had with one of my friend recently:

ME: Chinese astrology says that this was supposed to be one of the best years of my life… some year!! This has been the worse year yet, both personally and professionally.

@$@$@: Hmm… probably not so. Probably the lessons you’ve learnt this year will be with you for the rest of your life and make your future better… probably the kind of learning, growth you’ve achieved this year would have otherwise taken ages. Maybe this year, with all its hassles have opened your eyes to what “you” really want in life… want out of relationships...

There are certain discussions in ones life that make you see things more clearly, accept situations in a better fashion, and alter the way you think: this one did it for me!!

I believe!!

"If you haven't got something you wanted, then probably you've not wanted it hard enough!!"

Mishthi..

Once in a while God sends someone so special in your life that it changes completely and you cannot imagine your existence without him/her. Something similar happened to me years back when my niece was born, my miracle baby. I remember the cold January night when my father and brother-in-law woke me up and told us that Mishthi had happened (almost a month in advance) and we went to the hospital, all excited to see the first grandchild in our family, without even realizing that my world was about to change the moment I took that tiny bundle in my arms.

She was the size of my palm and that tiniest of creatures began teaching me my lessons well in advance, beginning from the changing of diapers. Although she has grown pretty quickly since then (seven years to be precise), each time I see her I am filled with a sense of wonder, pride and love. Mishthi has made me understand the meaning of unconditional love, sharing but most of all the magic of me growing up and learning with her…and for that I thank God. (And of course my sis and my brother-in law too, without whose efforts my life would not have been half as happy as it is now!!;))

Confused: Again...

In this world of no blacks and whites but only grays, where being neutral is the only way, where “striking the balance” is the mantra, can’t a person be both ethical yet compassionate??
Is being practical, selfish, a little self-centered yet NOT being a bad person after all possible??
Don’t most of do what is the best for US and then try to find a way to justify our selfishness by promoting the fact that we are actually helping the society?? And is it that wrong to think about oneself, to be ambitious, to want to get the best in life and does it imply that such a person cannot love anyone else, (after all it is said that love is selfless but aren’t you in love with that person to somewhere fulfill that need within you, a need to love, to care, to feel needed, wanted!!) care for anybody, be helpful??
I don’t know what I mean by the above defenses, whether I actually have a point or am plainly confused and contradicting myself or for that matter, justifying my actions…
Care to throw some light??

Friends and not so friends!!

I often ponder on the value of friends in my life, their contribution in it, the impression they’ve all left on me, irrespective of the duration for which they have been with me. Here’s a basic outline of the kinds of wonderful and not so good people I have met in this very short life of mine and how interestingly each one has contributed to being what I am…

There have been (and there still are!!) friends with an amazing level of intelligence, (it nowhere implies that others had no I.Q), who’ve taught me creativity, educated me about the latest softwares, referred books to me with an array of subjects. They’ve pushed me to do better, just by doing the same thing a million times better than I could. These are the people who’ve taught me that it is never too late to learn, given me the courage to ask the stupidest of questions without actually feeling so, but most importantly, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut when I should!!

Then I have friends who’ve helped me grow strong emotionally… Some of them listened, cared and even got worried, others who just listened, yet others who listened for gossip and yet others who plainly never did, and yet all of them educated me in some way or the other.
- The ones who did listen and did care gave me suggestions to cope up with the problem I was facing, at times they were wrong, and times when they were right but eventually, they did make me feel better and learn from my mistakes. They made me feel that I had this set of people whom I could fall back on at any point of time and that it was alright to be weak, to give in and thus made me strong by being there for me.
- The ones who “only” listened supported me by “just” listening.
- Friends who listened for gossip taught me that at times it was better not to talk at all.
- And lastly, I learned the most from my friends who never cared. They taught me the most important lesson of my life: NEVER TO EXPECT! It was tough not to do so, but eventually I did learn… And yet, these are friends who although do not care much about me, yet invariably taught me the most important lesson of my life…

I also have this set of goofy, crazy friends with whom I am allowed to simply go mad, do crazy stuff which I’d rather not with others… With them I can explore the weird side of me without shying away from it, who don’t judge me and before whom I shed all my inhibitions, who just let me be…

And then lastly there are these superb, honest, hard working, practical friends who give me a reality check from time to time, who make me search my conscience, the ones who keep my ethics and value intact by being their honest selves.

The above is to all the people who’ve let me be a part of their lives.

P.S: All you guys who know me, just fit yourselves into the above categories and let me know of it, and if none of the above suits you, create one, tell me and I’ll add on for sure…

Expressions..;)

I have this weird habit of getting stuck with a word/ gesture or expression that stays with me for quite some time till someone points it out to me and I simply stop using it. For example, there’s this recent word I’ve picked up lately: PLEASE which I end up pronouncing as “phuleeese” when I want to convey a meaning like “noways am doing that” or something similar. I don’t know if it’s a bad thing, or its suppose to be funny or just a way of emphasizing a point I want to convey or habit which probably most of us have, but somehow, I have become very conscious of it lately.

It is interesting to observe myself at times, literally!! I somewhere pick up a word or an expression and use it quite a bit (at the right places of course!!) until I am made aware of it and then suddenly it disappears, just like that, without any conscious effort of stopping it myself. In fact, at times there are these expressions which I quite like myself and kind of love to pronounce, they somehow leave this nice feel but then I do let go of them too… So just for fun, I began jotting down these words/ expressions which were a part of me at some time or the other, some which I liked and still let go of, while others which are plainly stupid and I have no clue where I picked them up from. Here they go:

- Blue: A word that cannot be used at many places but somehow I like to pronounce it!!
- Look at That!!: A phrase that formed the part of my speech during my standard XI and XII where I mostly picked it to indicate that what the other person was saying was more applicable to himself/herself.
- O.K: At the end of every sentence, irrespective of the fact whether it made any sense or not...
- Oh My God!!: The expressions of this sentence changed with the meaning I wanted to convey. For example, I repeated it several times in succession to basically convey my sense of anxiety, or I said it like OH….MY…GOD in slow motion, emphasizing every word to bring forth my state of shock.
- Oh Gaaaawd!!: When I am totally frustrated with life and given up on my assignment, a common phenomenon during college.
- Ya Right: An equivalent to “get lost”, can’t exactly seem to remember when this phrase was at its pinnacle…
- Oh Shit: A very common phrase which I used the most before I learnt the “F” word and later on when even though I knew the “F” word, I dared not to use it…
- F*** : Picked it up during my days at work when I got slightly more courageous, thought that it wasn’t that bad a word after all, tried acting “cool”, till it became a common word in my vocabulary. Left it when I realized that I was using it infront of the wrong people without even realizing it (again sub-consciously).
- Phuleeese! (Please): A word that has stuck with me for years now, a lot of people find it very irritating but I can’t seem to let go of it.
- Bloody: A word that bugs ‘me’ but again I am unable to let go of.
- ooohmmmmmm: An expression that I’ve acquired lately, which I like quite a bit, and use it when I want to convey my amusement/ agreement at anything. Or simply because I have no clue what the other person is talking about, or when am least interested in what the other person is talking about, or when I’d rather not comment,or when am confused about the response I should be giving. So basically it’s a multi- functional expression which doesn’t mean a thing in itself but can be used at a lot of places to handle various “reaction” problems.

I realize that words and the way they are pronounced or the “tone” in which they are used say tons without any elaborations. They show respect, contempt, humor, or even attitude by mere alterations in the way they are spoken. Am sure that most of us have had this habit of sticking with a phrase for some time before dropping it off for another one. However, am not sure why it does happen…

Who's conspiring??

"When you want something, the whole world conspires for you to get it.": a line I read in Paulo Coelho's Alchemist. Although I am no big fan of his, but somewhere I did believe in the philisophy behind the thought- until lately!!
Somehow, nomatter how hard I've been trying to achieve some kind of decorum in my life, its just not happening..Its just made me wonder if the above line plainly "sounds good" or does it actually have even a fraction of truth to it..

Destination Nowhere!!

Twist the keys a couple of times.
Ignition. And the journey begins.
A little slow at the start.
You turn left and pick up speed.
Eyes twinkle. Lips smile.
A dream engulfs your soul.
You sit back, close your eyes and
as you relax you begin to cruise.
Could this ever end?
A left turn, two bumpers
and a pothole later it almost does.
But you start again.
Slowly you begin to relax.
And once again you relax and smile.
But you are a little wiser.
You turn left again.
But why? Why left again?
Are'nt you moving in circles?
What's the destination?


But then...
Isn't Life about forgetting the destination,
And simply enjoying the journey ?

Analyze this..

At times, when am alone and have nothing to do, (which is a common scenario nowadays..), strange thoughts come to my mind. Am at a contradiction to myself, to my value system, to certain principles that I lead my life by.

There are times when I think that this inner fight with yourself is alright, that its sometimes fine to bend certain rules, to be free and not worry about the future or others’ opinions, to just let go and behave like that uncaring individual who doesn’t care about the big bad world and inspite of all the struggles, is proved right at the end of a story. But then a more practical side of me takes over. It compels me to feel bad over things that I have done wrong in my life, it tears my conscience apart till I feel like crap. I begin to think of the concept of "Karma", of the fact that what you do comes back to you in some way or the other and then I begin to analyze myself, my thoughts, my actions, my values and my beliefs. I start to reason things with myself, begin to defend my ideas. Its like a conflict going on between two people within one being.

I don’t know if its normal to feel what I do, if most of us go through this self battering or is it mere reading too many books where its difficult for the protagonist to decide which way to go? But primarily, I wonder if any of the above makes the slightest of sense to anyone..

Dunno..

Yeh, finally am into blogging but I have no clue why am here..I mean, I have nothing interesting to share with anyone right now and even if I do, who the hell is gonna be keen on reading it!!
But nevertheless, am here- and hopefully to stay!!