Havoc..

Yeh, a negative post yet again but I can't seem to help it.

My daily routine consists of getting up early and rushing to work, coming back late evening and dosing off, often without eating anything. But ultimately its just hours passing because I seem to be doing nothing productive throughout the day. Infact I feel my boss in U.S no more considers me a part of the design team, no fault of his as I haven't been mailing him any work (I haven't been doing any)and that totally hurts..

Infact I feel I should get married now, atleast it will break the current monotony if nothing else.

State of impassiveness..

Sometimes you are very close to somebody and then maybe all of a sudden or after a period of time, its just gone. You don't feel anything, not even the gaping vacuum that others can see but you don't feel anything, no hurt, just nothing..

The strange part is that it does not bother you, rather you feel at peace as if a tumour was removed..

Complexities..

He must have really loved her to hate her as much..

Shouldn't have..

I can't handle liquor at all. The other day I got drunk on a single glass of wine and made somebody read stuff that was a little too personal.

What made me regret it the next day was not getting the reaction I was probably expecting. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to listen at that point of time and that ruined it for me.

Stupid I am..

Holding on..

I think I was in standard 1 or max 2.We didn't have a car then and our usual mode of travel was a cycle rickshaw.Dad had established a new business and that kept him away from us for days.

Like all children, I loved it when Ma came to pick me up from school and then I did not realise what an ordeal it would be for her to come all the way, just to pick me up and give me that happiness.

My school was a convent and as you entered from the front gate, there was a garden and surrounding it the driveway coming to the back gate. My happiest memories is that of seeing Ma across the garden in a pink saree. I went running to her and hugged her from the waist and she smiled and asked: "You recognised me from all that distance?" and I kissed her and replied that I would do that anywhere, with some pride in my voice.

I remember the whole scene as if it happened yesterday, even the feeling I had when I was a little girl whose greatest joy was running to her mom when she came to pick her up from school.

Somehow I never want to let this one go.

Thats it..

Getting admission in a good school.
Scoring great marks, leading in sports.
Getting admission in a brilliant college.
Landing with a well paying job.
Purchasing a beautiful house and a big car.
Buying designer wear, jewellery, watches.
Giving education to your children in the best schools.

It all amounts to nothing. Underneath it all lies the basic emotion to be loved/ appreciated/ accepted, be it though making people accept you through your etiquites or through your money and power..

And the rest, its nothing..

Gasping..

There are times I read stuff that sucks me into strange bouts of melancholy. It makes me uneasy, numb but weirdly content. I don't feel like talking, sharing and also realise that I should stop reading or at least thinking about the subject but I can't help it.. its like being under the influence of a drug which though you know is not good for you, is impossible to let go.

My only hope is that I surface up elated and maybe just a little wiser.

Thought..

It saddens me when I read something nice and do not mark/ write it somewhere out of laziness..
I also realise that writing, using pen/ paper is more fun and if I don't, I'll forget the very technique.

Design..

Currently I am into designing Dora the Explorer footwear and its more fun than I thought. Probably its all about imersing yourself completely into it than going by the preconcieved notion that you do not enjoy doing a particular thing. However, the whole thing of designing gets to me at times, deciding the colours, choosing materials and the worst of all, considering production parameters just doesn't seem to be my cup of tea. I feel restricted when I face printing limitations and when vague fantasies like adding animation to a footwear and not being able to do so occur to me.

Buying/ commercial side of things is more my thing.In my previous job, thats what I did, there was a strange adrenaline rush when every week I saw the sales figures coming in, where I'd go lengths to convince the sales people to sell the product of my category..

But then, this isn't so bad either though I hate it when I get these design blocks and I have to write unnessary posts like these to clear my head and make you read it..

Sunshine..

I've missed sunshine these past few days. I realise that though I like rains, but a few hours of those makes me gloomy and craving for sunlight..

Quit..

I think I would die a very content/ happy death now, if it chooses to come to me. I have great parents, perfect health, work I love, friends I care for and who care for me, pretty much got what I've wanted..

And I believe one should quit the game at its pinnacle..

Odd one..

I think I am eccentric. I like people who posses a certain kind of weirdness, I relate to them in an inexplicable way..

Directness, confrontations, explanations scare me. I don't even feel my age, much older or younger but never there. I know it does not make any sense but that's what it is all about, going by my own whims and fantasies, doing things which would be stupid for most but understood by some.

I can't explain it, its difficult, its ironic, a self I carefully guard but which forms the core of my being..

Simplifying..

It is particularly hard for me to come to a decision. Even when I know that something is not right and the other option available would do me more good, I still think.. I have people advising me, friends whom I can trust blindly but I just can't come upon a decision till something triggers off within me. I have no idea what chemical reactions happen, what sets it off but at that moment I don't have any doubts, no fears..

The problem with this process is that everything gets delayed no matter how right the decision is and that irks me off. Earlier I thought that once I get older, things would get simplified but whats happening is quite the contrary..

Probably its the right thing, right time philosophy, the delay cannot be ignored anyhow..

Simplicity..

Conversation with a friend who said and I remembered:

"I realise that some relationships go beyond meeting each other frequently, or speaking regularly on the phone or even acknowledging each other's presence..
It sparks up by a mere look exchanged, or just knowing that the other person exists in some part of the world...
And that seems enough!!"

Strangely, it did..

To the both of you..

I've mentioned her before, when she was getting married last year, my younger sister who's very close to me, whom I thought I would get distanced from after she moved to another city but like all of you said, I did get closer to her. Now I even ask her for advice on issues like I would from my older ones, and she's always been there for me despite her adjusting to the new environment and post marriage changes.

And then there's this another sister of mine who's always busy, the big socialite she is. She looks after her work, after a one year old baby girl, the whole of the family whose part I am lucky to be of. Though I don't get to speak to her much but the conversation we do get to have made me realise how I've ended up being one of the most pampered child of the family, by virtue of being the only spinster remaining.

A small incident yesterday made me realise how lucky I am to have them with me, how they love me unconditionally and how both of them treat me like the younger one (the former mentioned is two years my junior and the latter just one year my senior). Now, there is no competition amongst us, but a very healthy relationship where all of us love seeing each other growing up, doing well for themselves and basically being happy..

This post is just my way of thanking these inseparable parts of my life and tell them how much I love them..

Down and out..

Its been sometime since I've vented out my work frustrations on my blog but desperate conditions call for desperate measures and I certainly am bugged.. This is my fourth organisation in last five years(I know not a great track record) but I doubt I've been this frustrated anywhere or gone through this kind of politics ever or felt so humiliated and cheated, in short its been aweful. Also, I don't find any reason to stick to this place as I am not learning anything, not growing in anyway like my previous work places.

My collegues are nice but the senior management is sheer torture, their ways are beyond me and I can't see any way out, thanks to recession and lack of job opportunities.

I feel caged and sufforcated and this is one place where I can't see even hard work doing anything for me.. I want an out!!

All that matters..

Its so irksome, not having travelled anywhere outside India. Maybe its nothing but for me, it matters..
When would I..

Complacent..

At times you are so happy and content that it scares you. I am scared too, scared not beacuse it may not last, but beacuse there might not be a chance to end it properly.

And as someone said, and I defied (unnecessarily), closure definately is important. Closure in the form of an explaination, or a fight, or tears, or just a hug and a kiss: just something final which you can look back upon and say "it was good while it lasted but the end wasn't so bad either"..

Summers..

I hate summers!! I know most of us do but I’ve always justified somehow why I should like them. A new season, noise, sunshine and also because I happen to be a summer child but lately I am finding more reasons to think otherwise. The list is endless but here is goes:

- My house is swarmed with lizards, and the worst was today, I woke up and saw two of them mating in the kitchen. I got some sadistic pleasure buy throwing water at them and making them run apart.
- There are all sorts or insects, everywhere I see.
- The heat deprives me of all my energy. I come back extremely tired and go off to sleep, no socializing, no fun!!
- People around me who’ve not discovered the uses of the deodorant stink and stink real bad.
- Everything rots and smells, from the food to even the vegetables and fruits in the refrigerator.
- Everybody around me is so worked up by the heat that they get all irritable and mad.
- You cannot travel anywhere except the mountains which are dreadfully crowded.
- Shopping at Sarojini remains no fun, minus the amazing summer wear you get there at this time.
- Even water doesn’t do you any good.
- I hate the way all the exposed area gets tanned. Even those sunscreen lotions feel all sticky.
- You can’t see clearly while driving with the sun directly in your eyes. And I do wear shades.
- There is no use taking a shower, by the time I am done, am sweating again.
- Fresh is a word one can never use during summers.
- Flowers become expensive.
- Jeans become unbearable; they seem to gnaw my legs.
- I see lights on the lampposts on, in the afternoon when the sun is so brilliant that you can’t see what’s ahead of you and then we get power cuts!!
- I have to shampoo every alternate day, the hair don’t dry easily, the humidity does not allow them to and keeping the hair open does not remain an option.
- I can’t breathe.

I can go on and on but it’ll be too much on Mother Nature so I’ll stop... Summers, I guess make me bicker too!!

Little things..

Everything was the same old: I was lying on the diwan in my living room, bored, grumpy and feeling a little lonely. Books were strewn around, all three of them that I was trying to read simultaneously, there was food to occupy my attention and then the omnipresent television with its remote through which I was constantly changing channels, hoping that something/ anything interesting would catch my attention..

And luckily it did!! I came across this movie which had this song playing: “Sabse Peenche hum Khade”, a song I’d been hunting for ages now. Suddenly, life wasn’t that bad, I was smiling ear to ear and singing (trying to) that song at the top of my voice.

I wonder how little things can wash away all your glooms and a single song give you so much happiness, however short lived!!