Startled..

Dad: I am going to say yes.
And I saw my whole life flashing before me.

I have often wondered how death is going to be and always imagined it coming as a relief. Now I almost know.

Sore..

It hurts so bad..

Missing..

Its been longer than ever this time, perhaps the longest I've stayed away..

There's been a whirlwind of activity work wise with no breather at all and the time spared is spent trying to catch up with the few remaining friends who are willing to tolerate my mood swings, bitching about work and frequent non show-ups even after making a zillion plans..

In between, I've gone home couple of times, read a lot and come across some of the nicest of words that leave me smiling. I hope the following lines from A Million Little Pieces by James Frey will have a similar effect on those who have still stuck around this space despite me not showing up.

I miss you.
I like that you miss me.
I like that you like it.

I leave you with this and hope that I will be able to hear this from someone and give a similar reply. Till then..

Reconcile..

There are so many times you feel like making that one call and putting things into perspective, tell the other person how sorry you are about what happened, how you want to turn back time and amend all the mistakes that were committed just because you were young and stupid..

It doesn't mean you want to change the outcome of the past, its more to do with getting that one friend back who meant so much to you or even telling them that its all good and making your peace with each other, just that and nothing more..

Just..

I don't like month beginnings, clearing dues, paying bills and suddenly seeing my bank account go empty..

And I also don't understand why we take a person for granted the moment we realise they like/love us.

Updates..

This is probably the longest I've stayed away from here, so long that I am afraid I have forgotten how to write, give spaces between words or mark paragraphs but write I must, just to get it back..

All this while I've been away, its just footwear I've been making and liking the work and hating the people with equal intensity. I think I am doing an alright job and the best part is to come back home drained and going off to sleep without a thought. Some may call it a hollow life, but work has been keeping me going and liking what I do is just a privilege.

I came to write something else, totally non-work related but ended up with this and then suddenly lost my chain of thought, guess I will have to end it abruptly.. Anyhow, I've also been reading a lot when I travel and I recommend Mohsin Hamid completely, its nice in an English August sort of way..

Till then..

Remembrance..

Its been a while now since this happened. It personally did not effect me much because I’ve been living out of home for years now and the bitterness in family ties and all that my parents had to face made me cold towards it all.

My Taiji passed away a month ago and living together as a family for 37 years had its pros and cons. There was a struggle to cope up and adjust with each other, the strains of it visible in the later years when families grew larger, expectations higher and hearts greedier.

I went to the hospital where she had been admitted in Delhi and the scene shook me. I couldn’t meet Tai, she was in a critical state by then, the surgery having failed but the sight of my Tauji, his helplessness, his anxiety was beyond explanation. It was their 50th anniversary that day and sharing that period of your life with someone is something I can just imagine. My heart went out to him and I cried my way back home, I knew in my heart that this was it and begged God to prove my instincts wrong.

Going back home made me miss little things about her, my eyes searched for her on the balcony as soon as I reached. She used to stand their for hours trying to keep an eye on whose going where, a habit that irritated me then but which I now find endearing. He voice that echoed in the house calling for servants and giving instructions.. But most of all I remember how she loved me when I was little, my Mom tells me it was only her who could soothe me when I was ill and how she always saved my from my Dad when he was angry.

I realize that family bonds are hard to break, things may get bitter, life difficult but the warmth remains..

Books..

I am in love with Wuthering Heights..and Catherine, and Heathcliff..and their bitter love story that touches the soul..

Appropriate..

Because I couldn't help it..

Job..

He up there understands me, my faith is reaffirmed (it never was gone).

I landed in a job that takes 12-13 hours of my day leaving me no time to grasp life and that's totally refreshing..

Loss..

The gravity of the loss hits you only after there is nothing left to save..

I feel so tender and lonely right now and there's nothing I can do about it; I didn't do much while I could have..

Reflections..

A little more sane
A little more mature
A little more clear about life,
And yet, a little confused too..

A little more independent
A little more free
A little more confident,
And yet, a little lonely too..

A little more unburdened
A little more comfortable
A little easy,
And yet, a little introvert too..

A little more hopeful
A little more faith
A little more belief in the one up there,
And yet, a little scared too..

The past year taught me this and a little more
This year hopefully will bring love, friends and a lot of happiness too..

Have a great one..

When I wrote this, I didn't know I would stick here as long as I have, in spite of the stubborn promise made. However, with the year ending, I'd like to say that I am glad I stuck around, learnt so much and kinda grew up reading other peoples' (some of them friends now) spaces.

And with this I would like to wish you all A Very Happy New Year and loads of love and happiness. Till then..

For good..

Its holiday time,
I have resigned from my current work place and I am so excited.

Seeping pessimism..

Its all haphazard in my head and I feel like penning it all down. The details are not possible, neither do I feel like elaborating on one particular thing so I'll do with the bits..

- I am reading Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger and I don't like it as much as The Time Traveller's Wife. However, there are certain parts I could relate myself to.
- Its so strange to lose feeling for someone, it stresses the other person out and you don't have an explanation to provide.
- I don't like to talk much when once I could elaborate on things that were totally inconsequential. I think it tires me out and I even feel guilty about wasting words.
- There are so many words I can't pronounce right and lately I refrain from using any new one for the fear of saying them wrong. If I continue like this, I think I'll just stop talking.
- Yesterday night while reading, I realised what a complicated feeling love is and there are so many forms of it that I can just feel and not explain, even to myself at times.
- The highlight of my week was that I went clubbing Saturday night and it was fun after ages. For once I got sloshed after four Cosmopolitans, and did not feel giddy. I also ended up singing at the top of my voice and I totally blame it on the awesome music they play there.
- I think dancing makes a person look sexy(ier). There was this really plain looking girl at the club with an equally plain looking guy but when they entered the dance floor they underwent a transformation. It was as if someone was pulling stings to make them dance, there was so much harmony in their performance and yet it didn't look rehearsed.
- I am torn between the urge of going home but staying back. I want to meet my parents but every time I go, something happens that totally mars my trip.
- I feel like quiting my job, grabbing a dozen books and sitting in the Sun and reading. I did that last year and I miss it right now.
- I don't ask questions and people take it otherwise if they don't know me well enough. I don't bother giving explanations..

A long post this one was and I am bored of writing it, I'll just stop.

P.S: Its easier writing than talking.

Praying hard..

Its so frustrating and I am so tensed..
The worst is that I can do nothing about it,
Just wait and pray..
And hope that it will all be fine.

Havoc..

Yeh, a negative post yet again but I can't seem to help it.

My daily routine consists of getting up early and rushing to work, coming back late evening and dosing off, often without eating anything. But ultimately its just hours passing because I seem to be doing nothing productive throughout the day. Infact I feel my boss in U.S no more considers me a part of the design team, no fault of his as I haven't been mailing him any work (I haven't been doing any)and that totally hurts..

Infact I feel I should get married now, atleast it will break the current monotony if nothing else.

State of impassiveness..

Sometimes you are very close to somebody and then maybe all of a sudden or after a period of time, its just gone. You don't feel anything, not even the gaping vacuum that others can see but you don't feel anything, no hurt, just nothing..

The strange part is that it does not bother you, rather you feel at peace as if a tumour was removed..

Complexities..

He must have really loved her to hate her as much..

Shouldn't have..

I can't handle liquor at all. The other day I got drunk on a single glass of wine and made somebody read stuff that was a little too personal.

What made me regret it the next day was not getting the reaction I was probably expecting. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to listen at that point of time and that ruined it for me.

Stupid I am..