All for love..



A day at home with my little nephew..

                                             

A weak spot..

I read some spaces with a hint of envy in me. And though it may sound lame, the reason is that while they can be upfront and so vocal about how they feel and what’s happening in their lives, I have to beat about the bush or better still, not write about it at all. Reason being, I happen to know certain people who read my space with whom I would rather not share what’s happening in my life.

I may also be asked why I cannot put those very thoughts that I fear sharing so much in my journal to which I would say that I do, but there is something about here that pushes me to put thoughts into words that I cannot anywhere else and more importantly, my ego takes over and I get this bug saying that it is MY space after all, last minute and I back off. Then again, this is a blog, a forum where people will read what you write and you have that option to password protect it but I don’t do any of that. It’s like contradicting my every action/ statement.

On an altogether different note, I can no more stand that double standards of it all at my workplace anymore. It’s like you take one step forward and you are pulled back two steps back. No matter how much I love what I do, the unfairness of it all is creeping in and I am at the end of my tolerance limit, one nudge and I might crumble, but not without a fight..

A mother's wisdom..

Ma said "agar insaan main bhoolne ki shakti nahi hoti toh woh paagal ho jaata", if humans did not have the power to forget, we would have all gone insane.

And I realised that wisdom can come in any form or time, this time while she was trying to console me that eventually my pain would ease up and I wouldn't remember of it like I do now. The memory would be there but not the actual feeling.

And I thought, how we always wish to hold on to some moments. It's apparently well said: be careful what you wish for..

Absyss..

I am a very healthy person, rarely do I fall sick. I don't even succumb to common cold or fever. However, every few years I catch some disease that make me end up in the hospital.

This is one such time. I had a surgery yesterday that was excuriatingly painful and I am glad it's over. The hospital is no fun and I feel like a parasite, asking my mother for every little thing, even to take me to the bathroom, and it's sooo embarassing.  

Letting off some heat by writing this one and hoping to get back to normalcy soon.

P.S: I realised that I am crazy about my mum, while in the OT, all I could think was how all my pain would go away the moment mummy held my hand, and magically it did.

Another one to prove how stupid I am..

I have always dreamt of being treated like china by the man I end up with: to be spoilt rotten, to be loved despite my selfishness, my self centred behaviour, even for him to be slightly awed by me.

And I was, I got all that and more but failed to recognise its worth and let it pass. I fail to understand why I realise the value of a person when things are irretrievable and then wish every second that I should have..

A question..

Is it worth being with someone who makes you feel small, mediocre and not good enough, especially when you have no real commitment towards him/ her?

My mother says that it’s all in our head and our generation is too demanding. I wonder if this is true..

A new dawn..

I have a strange feeling these days, as if I am on the brim of something new (and I pray I am). It’s like autumn in my life, a rather prolonged one and I can smell spring around the corner.

The funny part is that I have no reason to say above. My life is rather bleak with nothing going on and I feel gloomy all the time. My work sucks to the core and there is not an inkling of a new job or a new boy in the horizon, two aspects that dominate my life currently. But still there seems a shift happening, inexplicable but its there. There is something that’s prompting me to tie lose ends, to cut off ties that are holding me only because they are just a habit, relationships that give me more pain than joy and I hope that I get courage enough to do that.

I wait for rains in this scorching heat and hope that my life too will blossom with that downpour.

I can’t help but pray..

A birthday gone by..

This one’s been in my draft the day after I turned 30, on June 4th (here I admit my age!!).

I made no plans with friends this birthday. I somehow thought that getting to this number required me to sober down so I didn’t go out anywhere, that and plus it was a Monday.

I was hoping that hitting this age would miraculously change things for me. I would calm down, be less restless, not lose my temper at every little thing, be more in control of the situation, act more sensible, behave mature, carry myself with more elegance and poise (rather than my shambled self), stop dressing in denims and tees to work or rather shorts and tees more often than not, stop pining over things I can never have, shop less, save more; the list is endless.

I assumed that I would wake up the next day to my better self and it would be like enlightment the Buddha way. But none of that happened!!

I am still how I was, still care about people’s opinions of me that I would never admit, still feel bad about being rude to anybody and doing a pitiful job of trying to make up; still addicted to romance and mush without frills, still miss love from my life and still make mistakes that I always have. My dressing has not under gone any change and so haven’t my shopping habits; my family still rules over everything else and I am still not willing to succumb to the pressure of getting married until I find the right person for me, even at the cost of being called choosy/ rigid and what not.

Some things never change, never will and then I have to live upto my reputation of being stubborn..

As mothers will be mothers..

It is surprising how people who don’t know you at all, have never met you, know all about you. My parents have been going to every astrologer possible in the hope that they’ll tell them something about my future and came across this guy who’s caused my mother worry.

He told her that I keep things to myself, that no matter how worried or upset I am about anything, I will not talk about with it; and weirdly, that’s how I am. I just don’t discuss my most aggravating problems with anybody (mostly), I simply cocoon myself till I am able to cope with the situation and then that’s it. It is not that I don’t want to, but I think unless somebody is able to find a solution, there just seems no point. And then I have this space where I can write about things and get the sort of contentment that talking does not provide.

I think it is also a sort of self preservation mechanism, when I discuss anything, it just seems more real and pretending that the problem does not exist is an easier and maybe even an escapist way of dealing with things.

On the hindsight, it has caused my mother worry. Now I get a call every night and whenever I sound even faintly non chirpy (which is usual since I am dead tired after work), the conclusion is drawn that I am worried about something and hiding it. And since mothers will always be mothers, our conversations begin and end with her asking me consistently what’s bothering me and quoting me the astrologer every time I answer saying nothing..

As if it matters..

Today I have a lot to say.

Litmus Test: It will be that moment for me, the one that I’ve thought about a zillion times in my head and never been able to predict my own reaction. This moment will define the kind of person I am to myself and whether I will look back and feel pride or end up justifying my actions for the rest of my life (to myself).

Prediction: My visit home was funny. I was called an egoist, sarcastic and stubborn and it was communicated to me in the nicest way possible. Inspite of the detailed explanation, I am unable to comprehend the meaning of ego in my own context.

Realisation: I read Melee’s space and realized a thing or two. I have listed a fair number of qualities that I admire about a man; intelligence, chivalry and sense of humour and then she summarized it all in one word: kindness. I think that’s the most endearing of all qualities, the most heartwarming and a lot can be ignored for this particular trait.

Above is the perfect example of a lot of noise and little content, a work habit that seems to be reflecting in the other areas of life my too..

P.S: I wrote this last evening and where the test was concerned, I failed with shining colours. But since I am a pro at not thinking about what I do not want to, I will simply ignore the whole matter.

A little more about myself..

I have always assumed myself to be a sorted person, the way I react to things, the little shrewdness that I presume I have. I have thought myself to be the right blend, of emotions, family values and professionalism. I have been brutally honest and thought it has worked for me at places and always supposed that people, my family have a certain amount of respect for me and maybe, just maybe been proud of me at times.

Whenever I’ve been around my family or friends, I’ve thought that what I say has matterered to them in some way; that I am unbiased and very subjective about people, even my relatives.

Apparently, I’ve been wrong. The mirage was broken by someone when she said that I react to situations very impulsively, that my opinions about people vary based on the situation and somewhere (though I hate to admit as much), it is true. It’s like reality has hit you on your face and knowing that it is true, you just have to accept it.

The issue is that I don’t like this about myself and I will have to change but then don’t know how. I no more trust my reactions to situations around me. I definitely don’t want to involve myself in the family politics, I refuse to be a part of it but I can’t see how not.

Balance is the key maybe, or silence and I chose to go for the latter, not matter how tough that might be or whether I may possibly be perceived in the wrong light.

Just need to stop reacting..

A myth or not..

Since I’ve begun reading or watching movies, love and romance have been the central theme. I have always liked movies and books that involved friendship or romance in them, a fact that I’ve always tried to deny.

I have cried when true love is actually found or even lost, when friends have realised they love each other; and then smiled, even laughed aloud at parts in books when the hero proposes the heroine and she agrees to marry him. I have felt giddy with expectation at the build up of their first kiss and at times (I know super silly of me!!) even related myself to the characters, imagining the male protagonist being the guy I’d be fancying at that point of time.

However, lately I am seeing myself getting disillusioned day by day. I see myself coming closer to the thought that true love and romance is maybe just a myth and there is perhaps no right way around it. Some books/ movies show the girl going all out for the guy and they live happily ever after, others show a non-interested girl whom the guy woos and they the happys are repeated. But none of them show that after a while either or both of them simply lose interest or even though one person is still madly in love, the other has a happily after with someone else.

Now I think that maybe love is all big illusion and the practical aspects like if the girl is beautiful or not or the guy is well settled pretty much dominate the scene. And getting used to this harsh reality is taking a while to seep in.

But since the emotions love outbeats any other emotion in the world, I will not give up, at least for a little while more..

Affirmation of how it is to be..

Sometime ago, I lost something most precious to me. I know it was bound to happen sooner than later and that I couldn’t have it forever. The fact is that the moment I got it, with it came the truth about the non-permanency of it.

I think there are these things that you get in life, maybe because that’s what you need then or because how badly you’ve wanted them for years. God gives them to you with an expiry date, the difference is that there’s nothing mentioned and you have to keep guessing when it’ll be lost. The worst is to lose them suddenly and it’s terrible, like somebody has punched you in your stomach and though the hurt doesn’t show, it has weakened you beyond doubt. The other aspect would be that you understand how much hurt you are capable of bearing and surprisingly, you’ve always been underestimating yourself. Luckily for me the pain was gradual, it was breaking and I could see it so the loss was expected.

The question is: Was it worth having while you did or you were better of living in ignorance the amount of joy life is capable of giving you. There is no specific answer that I have for it; just that I smile when I think of it and I guess that is enough. And I also wonder, maybe I’ll find it again, in a different form and if I’ll be up for getting tempted this time..

Along came the conversation..

Last night’s conversation was such a déjà vu moment for me. I’ve known this person all my life, like literally. He could qualify as my “chaddi buddy”, as we call it. Though we weren’t pals really but obviously being bought up together, in the same environment, with the exact set of values makes me relate to him in a way that I wouldn’t with others.

We had lost touch for the longest of time. He moved out for his +2 and then stayed out while I went to NIFT, never to come back. I did hear about him off and on but that was it. And now when I think back, I don’t even remember how we got each other’s current numbers. Anyways, he visited Delhi last year, we caught up and ended up chatting until the wee hours, and I don’t remember laughing as much for the longest of time.

Now we catch up once a while online and it is always fun. Last night, as usual the topic moved to marriage and I realized how similar our families were. They respected us as adults and it was sort of an eye opener along with a sinking feeling of your precise thoughts being echoed, across the internet in this case.

While talking to him I got to know that he had an aversion to curd like I had for ketchup, how he still remembers all the landline numbers of those times of all uncles and aunties in the group which completely freaked me out. And I remembered all the numbers of the cars we have ever had. It was like going back to those early days, just so funny but amazing.

And then he said that at times marriage was just a “leap of faith”, something that I had heard from someone a long time ago. Last time as advise, this time merely voicing a thought and both times it never failed to hit its mark..

Am tired..

The one thing that is more loathsome than anything else is loneliness and it makes you do such things that you wouldn’t have imagined yourself doing a few years back. Not only do you sabotage your ego and pride, but hassle about people who don’t give a rat’s ass to you, and all of it to fill that huge void in you that just does not seem to disappear.

And you don’t end it even though you know you should, you carry on taking that agony, pain and humiliation for the fear of feeling lonely again, for the hope of being accepted.

If only I could kill this need within me, it would be so much simpler..

Appetite for books..

Because books affect me in such a manner that movies just don't, I saw the movie "One Day" and then read the book. And maybe because I am a sucker for humour and romance and friendship (no matter how over rated concept that might be), I fell in love with the book and a bit of the movie too.

I highly recommend it and promise a longer post on this one, because right now I am stuck with work and as usual, not complaining..

All confused and then some more..

A few days ago I had this big argument with some friends, they on one side, me alone on the other. They  justifying themselves, the labels and I vehemently stuck to my side of things. My definitions were as below while what they said usually diverted to care or affection or bordering love. According to them, everything came from being attracted to a person, even the one night stands and I somehow couldn’t agree. Though I do realize that attraction is the key but in today’s age, I see people doing all sorts of stuff, just for the heck of it.

So here’s my confused list of the possible names that we give to our relationships:

•  Attraction: When you see somebody and or maybe talk and realize chemistry. 
• Crush: When you like somebody for a tiny bit, for the lamest reasons possible.
• Infatuation: The crush lasts longer and you see yourself thinking about them.
• Dating: This one confuses me. Is it like going out with someone but not exclusively or is it. And is it deciding if you want a future with that person while you are dating him/ her. And while you are dating somebody, does that mean he/ she is your girlfriend/ boyfriend.
• Fling: If you are serious while you are dating then it is not a fling and if you aren’t, it is a fling. Is that how it is?
• Affair: This may be illicit or you are actually dating that person and serious about him/ her.
• Seeing someone: Does this necessarily mean that you are officially seeing somebody or is it same as dating?
• Engaged: Now I know this one is official, like you are with somebody you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
• Married: You are together and you’ve thrown a huge party to declare that.

Now in all of the above, what is the “name” of that relationship where two people are in love with each other? I mean none of the above tags suggest that you love that person. When you are in love, you say that you are in love (and loved back) but is there a specific name that defines it..

Or maybe there is and I don’t even know of it, just brilliant..

After all, I gave in..

All these years have never seen me exercising. An odd skipping for a while, maybe some stretching and weights at home but never “going” to a place and working out. Gyms scare me, I feel as if there is a fashion marathon going on against which I just cannot compete. Everybody looks too fit and beautifully dressed as if they’ve not come to sweat it out but socialize and party and I am too lazy to bother. Once one of my friend took me to his gym, negotiated prices, even arranged me a trial session but I never went back again, that place made me nervous.

In fact until lately, any place that had a lot of people exercising together seemed like a nightmare to me. I think I get very self-conscious and it looks like everybody is just focusing and staring at me. However, lately I had been feeling very lethargic and emotionally drained and for once instead of being an escapist I decided that I just had to do something.

My neighbor had mentioned some yoga classes happening near my place and I looked out for it and went to speak to them. The teacher/ gentleman told me that I could join in and since there was a beginner’s class that very day, he asked me to come in another 15 minutes time. I rushed back home, changed and attended the class that I surprisingly enjoyed very much. And then I went in for the second class too and again it was super. The environment is so simple and there is certain amount of decorum that you tend you get serious about it. Also, because you see people actually working hard to get the asanas right, you are automatically motivated to give it your best, push yourself a little more and endure that nice pain that comes when you realize that there are muscles that you have never noticed before. And the best part is I feel physically tired after ages.

Maybe had I not immediately joined the programme, I would have changed my mind and perhaps it’s important to be spontaneous at times, you never know how pleasantly surprised you can be. Too early to say probably, but this one looks promising..

As it was to be..

He’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember. One of the few who’ve lasted this long as clearly I am not an easy person to be with and definitely not good at keeping friends. I always mess up somehow and have nobody to blame but me.

I’ve been going to him with my problems/ joys and sorrows and he’s always known a solution. When there isn’t one, he says the exact words that I’ve wanted to hear at that point of time. I cannot say that what he’s told me is always in my favour but it is so factual that it makes perfect sense to me. There have been harsh words but the tone so straightforward and concern always genuine.

Lately our circumstances have changed. There are things and people that have tied him down and swayed the direction of our friendship. Now with certain issues he is less upfront and honestly, it hurts. He’s kept me grounded for the longest of time and lately I’ve felt my momentum quivering.

I know it is no fault of his, I realize he couldn’t have helped it and this situation is not what he too might be finding ideal but that’s a choice he’s had to make to get on with life. Knowing how he is, he will never crib or complain but just get on with it. And no matter how close we are, I will never go and speak to him about it beacuse even if he may want to, he cannot do much about it.

This is how it will remain and that’s how I will lose one of the most precious person in my life..

A time to make changes..

I have often wondered what peace means and something that Ani wrote triggered it off. I guess peace is a relative term and while you might still be at peace after a big fight at work but a small personal issue may make you restless.

Let’s get more personal here, like always. When I question myself when I am at peace, there is just one answer that pops into my head, when I am happy in my personal life, when I am loved and cared for by the people I care about and then everything sets a patterns and things flow smoothly. It’s like a cycle: I am happy, I behave nice, get my work done nicely, don’t lose my temper and get more efficiency out of people.

And while writing above I realize how the central theme has been all about affection and being cared for. Though I don’t owe any explanation, I am not in love but I have realized that it’s all that matters. The thought was pretty surface level and now it seems to be seeping in, slowly and steadily and hopefully to stay..