A wish..

Realisation between what you like and what you assume to like has sunk in rather quickly. I always fancied a life where I virtually lived out of the suitcase, stayed in fancy hotels and traveled and met new people. In fact, I was envious of a friend who had a life like that, with no roots, nothing to pull her back. I envisioned a fun life, full of discovery and wonder.

Well, as they say, you need to be careful what you wish for. That is the kind of life I am living now. I stay in this hotel while I post this, the breakfast is served in the room and I can laze, read, daydream and think as much as I want. On the contrary, I have that option of sitting in the multitude little cafes that are lined up across the street or go shopping. But all I crave for now is to have some stability. I crave for a house that I can do my way, buy furniture, make it beautiful. A sister of mine once told me- we are people who like to be rooted and though I did not understand her context then, I do now. I like to come back to a home not not a hotel room, I like the familiarity of having my friends around me, to know what I need to wear when I am meeting people (no matter how shallow that may sound) and not ask his advise every time.

But mostly, I miss Delhi. I never realised how attached I was to that place. It is said to be unsafe, have the most uncultured people around along with some other insinuations. However, I was used to the brashness there, I was used to getting dressed if I was going for dinner, wearing heels and make up. I always thought that casual was more me, that I did care about what I wear but in the "I don't give a damn" sorta way, I miss my friends, I miss knowing my way around that city but mostly I miss my independence I had there.

Soon, I'll go back.. Just maybe..

A first of many..

It's been the longest ever and not without a reason. I am finally married now, moved cities and live in total ambiguity like never before. As my husband (there is a funny click to it on my tongue) sleeps next to me in total bliss, I manage to get the time and the inclination to post.

It has been a serious roller coaster ride, one that doesn't seem to end any sooner. I have doubted my decision a million times, prayed to God like never before to lead me, seen signs which am not sure were there or not, but finally made it. And am so glad I did!! In him not only I find my friend, but a kind and honest man who respects me and cares about me in an almost parental way. He trusts me, guides me and helps me, he wipes my tears and still fights with equal ease. He loves my parents and my family, and teaches me how to love his. I can go on about him, this crazy, funny man I've married but most importantly, he lets me be.

I guess my love story has finally begun..

A holiday greeting..

I haven't abandoned this space, just busy getting married!!
Happy holidays everyone!!

I miss here..

A read and then a post..

I think my ability to write is directly proportional to what I read. My resolution to finish reading Jobs propelled me to write right now.

The confession today is that I try finding common grounds between the famous people (I like) and me. And like always, the list is endless, how I can be stubborn, how impatient I can be, how I believe that I will die at 45 (when I am at my peak of happiness and wouldn't want to), and most importantly, my ability to ignore a situation I don't like. A huge difference would be that I prefer to stay in the shadows and I'd never ever steal credit (and therefore just might not work too well in this corporate jungle). It's also funny how all the negatives seem like virtues suddenly.

Very childish but that's me again with all my whims and fancies..

p.s: though not a technology freak, I am proud to have atleast one Apple device and be associated with this crazy man..

A post, just that..

I just don't like posting from a phone, you need to make it short and precise and that fluidity of thought goes missing in comparison to writing on paper. But at times one needs to make the best of circumstances and in my case, just give in to the urge of posting.

My latest is that I've been home for a week now and as much as I love to chat up with Ma, I do miss my time on my own, the contentment of my own space. I realise that "this time" will not come back, that things will change massively for me but somehow I am not ready to accept it. I am going by my usual philosophy- ignoring the problem for a long time and not thinking about it makes it go away.

The fact is that I am not ready to get married and knowing me, I never will be but this is the closest I will come to living my life the way I want to, with the person who knows me and accepts me with all my follies and tantrums (but am told people change) so I'll take the leap for me, for us. Also, as I often say, all these years made me realise what I DON'T want in a man and I am going by that so lets hope it works.

Am also guilty of reading Steve Jobs for months now but with about a 100 pages to go now, I've vowed to finish it today. It's a brilliant book that gives hope to people like me who lose temper in demand of perfection and then don't even feel apologetic about it. Way to go!!

I'll wind up saying that I miss here a lot and I'll try to be good and write more often, for no one's sake but mine..

A new beginning..

I am coming here after ages and a lot has changed in between. It has been a time with such mixed feelings that have left me totally overwhelmed and slightly breathless. I have been oscillating between feeling extreme happiness to anxiety attacks that have left me all teary many mornings.

There have been times when I have doubted my decision, wished back for my singular status, thought about the maybes, thought about my life had a waited a little longer, about what would I be feeling had it been with anyone else. I then go back to thinking what I have, how I can be myself, how I am loved and appreciated, how my parents and family feel and more importantly the actual contentment and solidity that I have always wanted and everything seems perfect.

Knowing myself, I know I will be fickle and difficult, that I will worry for every little thing, that it might take ages for me to trust and start giving back but the larger picture seems beautiful and the my inner voice, the one that I always listen to says it will be a fun ride.

So let the circus begin..

All for love..



A day at home with my little nephew..

                                             

A weak spot..

I read some spaces with a hint of envy in me. And though it may sound lame, the reason is that while they can be upfront and so vocal about how they feel and what’s happening in their lives, I have to beat about the bush or better still, not write about it at all. Reason being, I happen to know certain people who read my space with whom I would rather not share what’s happening in my life.

I may also be asked why I cannot put those very thoughts that I fear sharing so much in my journal to which I would say that I do, but there is something about here that pushes me to put thoughts into words that I cannot anywhere else and more importantly, my ego takes over and I get this bug saying that it is MY space after all, last minute and I back off. Then again, this is a blog, a forum where people will read what you write and you have that option to password protect it but I don’t do any of that. It’s like contradicting my every action/ statement.

On an altogether different note, I can no more stand that double standards of it all at my workplace anymore. It’s like you take one step forward and you are pulled back two steps back. No matter how much I love what I do, the unfairness of it all is creeping in and I am at the end of my tolerance limit, one nudge and I might crumble, but not without a fight..

A mother's wisdom..

Ma said "agar insaan main bhoolne ki shakti nahi hoti toh woh paagal ho jaata", if humans did not have the power to forget, we would have all gone insane.

And I realised that wisdom can come in any form or time, this time while she was trying to console me that eventually my pain would ease up and I wouldn't remember of it like I do now. The memory would be there but not the actual feeling.

And I thought, how we always wish to hold on to some moments. It's apparently well said: be careful what you wish for..

Absyss..

I am a very healthy person, rarely do I fall sick. I don't even succumb to common cold or fever. However, every few years I catch some disease that make me end up in the hospital.

This is one such time. I had a surgery yesterday that was excuriatingly painful and I am glad it's over. The hospital is no fun and I feel like a parasite, asking my mother for every little thing, even to take me to the bathroom, and it's sooo embarassing.  

Letting off some heat by writing this one and hoping to get back to normalcy soon.

P.S: I realised that I am crazy about my mum, while in the OT, all I could think was how all my pain would go away the moment mummy held my hand, and magically it did.

Another one to prove how stupid I am..

I have always dreamt of being treated like china by the man I end up with: to be spoilt rotten, to be loved despite my selfishness, my self centred behaviour, even for him to be slightly awed by me.

And I was, I got all that and more but failed to recognise its worth and let it pass. I fail to understand why I realise the value of a person when things are irretrievable and then wish every second that I should have..

A question..

Is it worth being with someone who makes you feel small, mediocre and not good enough, especially when you have no real commitment towards him/ her?

My mother says that it’s all in our head and our generation is too demanding. I wonder if this is true..

A new dawn..

I have a strange feeling these days, as if I am on the brim of something new (and I pray I am). It’s like autumn in my life, a rather prolonged one and I can smell spring around the corner.

The funny part is that I have no reason to say above. My life is rather bleak with nothing going on and I feel gloomy all the time. My work sucks to the core and there is not an inkling of a new job or a new boy in the horizon, two aspects that dominate my life currently. But still there seems a shift happening, inexplicable but its there. There is something that’s prompting me to tie lose ends, to cut off ties that are holding me only because they are just a habit, relationships that give me more pain than joy and I hope that I get courage enough to do that.

I wait for rains in this scorching heat and hope that my life too will blossom with that downpour.

I can’t help but pray..

A birthday gone by..

This one’s been in my draft the day after I turned 30, on June 4th (here I admit my age!!).

I made no plans with friends this birthday. I somehow thought that getting to this number required me to sober down so I didn’t go out anywhere, that and plus it was a Monday.

I was hoping that hitting this age would miraculously change things for me. I would calm down, be less restless, not lose my temper at every little thing, be more in control of the situation, act more sensible, behave mature, carry myself with more elegance and poise (rather than my shambled self), stop dressing in denims and tees to work or rather shorts and tees more often than not, stop pining over things I can never have, shop less, save more; the list is endless.

I assumed that I would wake up the next day to my better self and it would be like enlightment the Buddha way. But none of that happened!!

I am still how I was, still care about people’s opinions of me that I would never admit, still feel bad about being rude to anybody and doing a pitiful job of trying to make up; still addicted to romance and mush without frills, still miss love from my life and still make mistakes that I always have. My dressing has not under gone any change and so haven’t my shopping habits; my family still rules over everything else and I am still not willing to succumb to the pressure of getting married until I find the right person for me, even at the cost of being called choosy/ rigid and what not.

Some things never change, never will and then I have to live upto my reputation of being stubborn..

As mothers will be mothers..

It is surprising how people who don’t know you at all, have never met you, know all about you. My parents have been going to every astrologer possible in the hope that they’ll tell them something about my future and came across this guy who’s caused my mother worry.

He told her that I keep things to myself, that no matter how worried or upset I am about anything, I will not talk about with it; and weirdly, that’s how I am. I just don’t discuss my most aggravating problems with anybody (mostly), I simply cocoon myself till I am able to cope with the situation and then that’s it. It is not that I don’t want to, but I think unless somebody is able to find a solution, there just seems no point. And then I have this space where I can write about things and get the sort of contentment that talking does not provide.

I think it is also a sort of self preservation mechanism, when I discuss anything, it just seems more real and pretending that the problem does not exist is an easier and maybe even an escapist way of dealing with things.

On the hindsight, it has caused my mother worry. Now I get a call every night and whenever I sound even faintly non chirpy (which is usual since I am dead tired after work), the conclusion is drawn that I am worried about something and hiding it. And since mothers will always be mothers, our conversations begin and end with her asking me consistently what’s bothering me and quoting me the astrologer every time I answer saying nothing..

As if it matters..

Today I have a lot to say.

Litmus Test: It will be that moment for me, the one that I’ve thought about a zillion times in my head and never been able to predict my own reaction. This moment will define the kind of person I am to myself and whether I will look back and feel pride or end up justifying my actions for the rest of my life (to myself).

Prediction: My visit home was funny. I was called an egoist, sarcastic and stubborn and it was communicated to me in the nicest way possible. Inspite of the detailed explanation, I am unable to comprehend the meaning of ego in my own context.

Realisation: I read Melee’s space and realized a thing or two. I have listed a fair number of qualities that I admire about a man; intelligence, chivalry and sense of humour and then she summarized it all in one word: kindness. I think that’s the most endearing of all qualities, the most heartwarming and a lot can be ignored for this particular trait.

Above is the perfect example of a lot of noise and little content, a work habit that seems to be reflecting in the other areas of life my too..

P.S: I wrote this last evening and where the test was concerned, I failed with shining colours. But since I am a pro at not thinking about what I do not want to, I will simply ignore the whole matter.

A little more about myself..

I have always assumed myself to be a sorted person, the way I react to things, the little shrewdness that I presume I have. I have thought myself to be the right blend, of emotions, family values and professionalism. I have been brutally honest and thought it has worked for me at places and always supposed that people, my family have a certain amount of respect for me and maybe, just maybe been proud of me at times.

Whenever I’ve been around my family or friends, I’ve thought that what I say has matterered to them in some way; that I am unbiased and very subjective about people, even my relatives.

Apparently, I’ve been wrong. The mirage was broken by someone when she said that I react to situations very impulsively, that my opinions about people vary based on the situation and somewhere (though I hate to admit as much), it is true. It’s like reality has hit you on your face and knowing that it is true, you just have to accept it.

The issue is that I don’t like this about myself and I will have to change but then don’t know how. I no more trust my reactions to situations around me. I definitely don’t want to involve myself in the family politics, I refuse to be a part of it but I can’t see how not.

Balance is the key maybe, or silence and I chose to go for the latter, not matter how tough that might be or whether I may possibly be perceived in the wrong light.

Just need to stop reacting..

A myth or not..

Since I’ve begun reading or watching movies, love and romance have been the central theme. I have always liked movies and books that involved friendship or romance in them, a fact that I’ve always tried to deny.

I have cried when true love is actually found or even lost, when friends have realised they love each other; and then smiled, even laughed aloud at parts in books when the hero proposes the heroine and she agrees to marry him. I have felt giddy with expectation at the build up of their first kiss and at times (I know super silly of me!!) even related myself to the characters, imagining the male protagonist being the guy I’d be fancying at that point of time.

However, lately I am seeing myself getting disillusioned day by day. I see myself coming closer to the thought that true love and romance is maybe just a myth and there is perhaps no right way around it. Some books/ movies show the girl going all out for the guy and they live happily ever after, others show a non-interested girl whom the guy woos and they the happys are repeated. But none of them show that after a while either or both of them simply lose interest or even though one person is still madly in love, the other has a happily after with someone else.

Now I think that maybe love is all big illusion and the practical aspects like if the girl is beautiful or not or the guy is well settled pretty much dominate the scene. And getting used to this harsh reality is taking a while to seep in.

But since the emotions love outbeats any other emotion in the world, I will not give up, at least for a little while more..

Affirmation of how it is to be..

Sometime ago, I lost something most precious to me. I know it was bound to happen sooner than later and that I couldn’t have it forever. The fact is that the moment I got it, with it came the truth about the non-permanency of it.

I think there are these things that you get in life, maybe because that’s what you need then or because how badly you’ve wanted them for years. God gives them to you with an expiry date, the difference is that there’s nothing mentioned and you have to keep guessing when it’ll be lost. The worst is to lose them suddenly and it’s terrible, like somebody has punched you in your stomach and though the hurt doesn’t show, it has weakened you beyond doubt. The other aspect would be that you understand how much hurt you are capable of bearing and surprisingly, you’ve always been underestimating yourself. Luckily for me the pain was gradual, it was breaking and I could see it so the loss was expected.

The question is: Was it worth having while you did or you were better of living in ignorance the amount of joy life is capable of giving you. There is no specific answer that I have for it; just that I smile when I think of it and I guess that is enough. And I also wonder, maybe I’ll find it again, in a different form and if I’ll be up for getting tempted this time..

Along came the conversation..

Last night’s conversation was such a déjà vu moment for me. I’ve known this person all my life, like literally. He could qualify as my “chaddi buddy”, as we call it. Though we weren’t pals really but obviously being bought up together, in the same environment, with the exact set of values makes me relate to him in a way that I wouldn’t with others.

We had lost touch for the longest of time. He moved out for his +2 and then stayed out while I went to NIFT, never to come back. I did hear about him off and on but that was it. And now when I think back, I don’t even remember how we got each other’s current numbers. Anyways, he visited Delhi last year, we caught up and ended up chatting until the wee hours, and I don’t remember laughing as much for the longest of time.

Now we catch up once a while online and it is always fun. Last night, as usual the topic moved to marriage and I realized how similar our families were. They respected us as adults and it was sort of an eye opener along with a sinking feeling of your precise thoughts being echoed, across the internet in this case.

While talking to him I got to know that he had an aversion to curd like I had for ketchup, how he still remembers all the landline numbers of those times of all uncles and aunties in the group which completely freaked me out. And I remembered all the numbers of the cars we have ever had. It was like going back to those early days, just so funny but amazing.

And then he said that at times marriage was just a “leap of faith”, something that I had heard from someone a long time ago. Last time as advise, this time merely voicing a thought and both times it never failed to hit its mark..