As if it matters..

Today I have a lot to say.

Litmus Test: It will be that moment for me, the one that I’ve thought about a zillion times in my head and never been able to predict my own reaction. This moment will define the kind of person I am to myself and whether I will look back and feel pride or end up justifying my actions for the rest of my life (to myself).

Prediction: My visit home was funny. I was called an egoist, sarcastic and stubborn and it was communicated to me in the nicest way possible. Inspite of the detailed explanation, I am unable to comprehend the meaning of ego in my own context.

Realisation: I read Melee’s space and realized a thing or two. I have listed a fair number of qualities that I admire about a man; intelligence, chivalry and sense of humour and then she summarized it all in one word: kindness. I think that’s the most endearing of all qualities, the most heartwarming and a lot can be ignored for this particular trait.

Above is the perfect example of a lot of noise and little content, a work habit that seems to be reflecting in the other areas of life my too..

P.S: I wrote this last evening and where the test was concerned, I failed with shining colours. But since I am a pro at not thinking about what I do not want to, I will simply ignore the whole matter.

A little more about myself..

I have always assumed myself to be a sorted person, the way I react to things, the little shrewdness that I presume I have. I have thought myself to be the right blend, of emotions, family values and professionalism. I have been brutally honest and thought it has worked for me at places and always supposed that people, my family have a certain amount of respect for me and maybe, just maybe been proud of me at times.

Whenever I’ve been around my family or friends, I’ve thought that what I say has matterered to them in some way; that I am unbiased and very subjective about people, even my relatives.

Apparently, I’ve been wrong. The mirage was broken by someone when she said that I react to situations very impulsively, that my opinions about people vary based on the situation and somewhere (though I hate to admit as much), it is true. It’s like reality has hit you on your face and knowing that it is true, you just have to accept it.

The issue is that I don’t like this about myself and I will have to change but then don’t know how. I no more trust my reactions to situations around me. I definitely don’t want to involve myself in the family politics, I refuse to be a part of it but I can’t see how not.

Balance is the key maybe, or silence and I chose to go for the latter, not matter how tough that might be or whether I may possibly be perceived in the wrong light.

Just need to stop reacting..