I've been..

- Sleeping and lazing BIG time.
- Eating on my own.
- Job hunting...kinda.
- Reading, a lot.
- Watching television like never before.
- Wishing for things to happen.
- Cribbing.
- Wishing things were different.
- Going for a lot of coffee.
- Looking for a flatmate.
- Keeping a tab on my bank account for the first time ever.
- Missing people.

In between all of that I had a great time at my best friend's wedding, met with old friends, gave an awesome bachelors to him (that's what I presume), realised that life could be fun if you had the right people by you..

This thing called lonliness..

It was dark all around, dark and lonely and sad. It seemed that somebody had sucked the life out of her. She hated feeling that ways, procrastinating, juggling ifs and buts, trying to evade that fear that nothing would be right anymore, virtually giving it all up and running away.. She had been quite for more than ten hours and felt that if she stayed that way for a moment more, her mouth would get sealed and she wouldn’t be able to ever utter a word again, and not talking meant suicide, communicating had been her life line, her strength, probably one of the only things she prided herself for, and that fear made her scream into the empty apartment.. But there was nobody to hear her, nobody to reply or get worried and so she cuddled unto herself and let all those hushed emotions out: she cried!!

Ahem..

Juggling between finding a job AND a flatmate can be quite a task and am trying to do just that!! So anyone or who knows anyone (female), looking for a place in Gurgaon, please get in touch with me..

Help me guys!!

Coming back..

After being in Lucknow for a while now I’ve begun to see certain patterns within the place. The people here pick up whims and the whole crowd gets engrossed following the trend. The latest here is networking, everybody wants to know everyone, they talk about whose party each had gone to, discussing whose more popular.. At times it feels there’s some race happening and each wants to outdo the other but whom do they want to know, I mean who would the most popular ones want to know or do they find contentment in the fact that everybody knows them??

Perhaps it’s the festive season that’s brought out this trait amongst people or it’s the insecurity within them, the fear of being left alone?? Like wouldn’t someone want to hang out with like minded people, be around friends than just be with anyone for the heck of it??

Probably what I am seeing around me is new to me, I am unable to grasp how this place has grown like any big city where networking is a big deal, maybe being absent during this transformation has left me a little lost and I still associate myself with the city where small groups existed, where I had a tiny circle and that’s the only thing that mattered, where fun was being with them, being myself..

It’ll take me a while to grasp it all, to understand the dynamics of it, to grab the big picture but I doubt I’ll be up for it myself ever but then as I’ve always believed, it would all saturate to a single line: “ to each his own”!!

P.S: This post is not intended to offend anyone at all, its merely a something I've observed which is taking some time to sink in.

Laughter and smiles..

God, prayers, wishes, good fortune, all these words make two people pop into my head: my parents. So like always, during some pooja ceremony while thinking of them, I thought about when had I last seen my Dad laughing, laughing as in gurgling with joy, as in the eyes going small and that happy crazy sound being emitted by the vocal cords, and sadly I couldn’t remember that last time.. I remember him being happy, happiness that beings tears to the eyes, relieved happy but not “laughing”..

I then thought about me, when had I last laughed so hard that my eyes would begin to water? I sure did during school and then in college, even sometime while I was working but that seems like a distant memory now. I do remember the soundless laughter of mine but the people, the situation has faded so apparently it must have been eons ago. And then I realized that as I had begun to grow older, probably wiser, getting to know more about the world, understand the people around me better, I’d laughed lesser.

Now I crave for those unreasonable reasons that gave me such happiness, that made people around me look at me and get confused between the state of happiness and madness, when a typical look or expression from a friend resulted in fits of euphoria.. I’ve begun to long for for those moments yet again.

An angry post..

These days I find myself thinking about the two-facetness of it all: people, situations, moods, life!! I realize how taking somebody at their face value can be totally stupid and that no matter what, some people don’t change. They don’t stop being sad when somebody else does good in life or when life’s working well for a friend, irrespective of continuous efforts of that friend to be nice. They try their best to poison little things, relationships with other people to name a few..

I unfortunately happen to know somebody like that. For years I’ve tried to be nice, helping in the little way I can but mostly be happy for her. I have never wanted the same in return; just the fact that she keep her mouth shut, I mean is that asking for too much?? But no, this woman “has to” interfere in my life, she “has to” say the good part to me and be all bitchy before others.. Is it so difficult to mind your own business, keep your tongue under control and if none of these at least not be deceitful??

Damn, I hate such people and I wish I could do all but confront her, however, the very thought of disturbing all the harmony is stopping me from doing so..

The whys of my life..

Alright, without further delay, I'll get on with my nonsensical rambling..

- Why can't I get any sleep at this unearthly hour of 3:30 am?? Okie, that's fairly simple, I ended up having two mugs of coffee at Barista, getting carried away with the rains, the interesting book I was reading and by the stupid feeling of contentment that suddenly enveloped me. For a while I thought my life was awesome, to be thrown back to reality moments later..

- Why the hell did I have to "grow up"?? I mean I was dieing to become an adult, not having to go to school, earn myself, be on my own but nobody told me it would be that difficult and homework issues, boys problems, baby fat, pimples and curfew timings were but minor bits!!

- Why do I need to take decisions?? I hate doing that but neither do I like somebody else doing that for me.. It sounds cool to say that I'd rather blame myself and shit (which works for me at times too), but it never hurts to blame others..

- Why am I a Gemini (stupid one, its my parents fault!!) but I believe in the sun sign bit and think that confusion, indecisiveness, talking in paradox, not knowing what I want, being unfocused, stubborn, having my own way, being a freedom fanatic, such traits just arise due to belonging to this sun sign..

Yeh, I figured it out towards the end, its the way am born, the way I will remain and there's pretty much nothing I can do about.. I guess my whys are somewhat answered..

About homes and such..

Lucknow, especially the area I stay in has a lot of old buildings, with some new construction jutting far in between. Though I love modern architecture, those new houses with minimalist, all white interiors, dark brown furniture, huge skylights, et all but its the old homes that intrigue me.

I often happen to pass many such old homes with faded, mossed exteriors, big windows with semi broken panes and wonder about them. I imagine the interiors would probably be slightly faded with assorted furniture, things scattered, maybe a lie back chair, the ones with old floral covers, that familiar, cozy smell lingering on them. I visualise rickety, well used furniture, so old that each has a story to reveal or is occupied by its favorite people. The kitchen would be small and cluttered, very close to the living area so that when a meal is prepared, the whole house smells of it.. A washing area on the backyard with a green Videocon and a succession of clothes lines for those umpteen clothes, a circular staircase that would lead to the terrace with potted plants in assorted jars, pots, even bins or then maybe a well kept area..

I then proceed to imagine the kind of people living there. Whether it would be a big family or a nuclear one living in a big house, if they'd be a happy lot or the continuously cribbing kinds, if there would be any old people like grandparents in the house who'd have built this place with a zillion dreams and how they would be having so many memories attached to every room, every bit furniture, even the linen being used in the house.. If the house would have pictures all over the walls, telling bits about the people who've been a part of it (am especially biased towards old pictures, the black and white ones)..

But mostly I relate it to my place, a big and old house with a courtyard in the centre and even a well.. A house that is about 35 years old to which new wings have been added to accommodate additions to the family, a place which isn't that old when you compare it to the old heritage homes but its not new either, a place that I happen to love despite its clutter, inspite of the functional lines of one room merging into the other but that’s one place I'd rather be than anywhere else.. And I guess that’s what makes it home for me..

With nothing in particular..

Am writing this post for no apparent reason but merely to let myself know that I exist, in this world, on the cyberspace.. It is probably a confirmation of the fact (again to myself), that I can endure.

Basically, lots has been going on in my life, lots that am unwilling to write about at this moment. To summarise it all, currently my life is on hold, or as my dad put it, "sab kuch thama hua sa hai".. Hopefully all will be sorted out soon, till then I prefer to be cocooned.

P.S: Just realised that am talking in paradoxes.

When the fat lady cried..

After a lot of deliberations, it was decided that I would be joining my parents from Delhi to Muzzafarnagar (where my cousin’s wedding had to take place) with a friend of hers in her car. The route being slightly unsafe, we were to go to Noida to my cousin’s Mamaji’s and all the cars would move ahead together.

Muzzafarnagar is a small place with virtually no beauty saloons, I was to take the make-up artists from Delhi, which I did. I picked up these two people in my car, drove down to Sainik Farms and with the friend, to Noida. Even after reaching there on time, we were only able to begin the actual journey at 12:30 by which I was totally bugged, with a bad headache as I’d missed my morning tea (some addiction I have). Anyways, we reached safely by the evening by which I had lost my patience completely.

Chit-chatted a bit with everyone and then the bride-to-be began to get ready. I too started after an hour and a half and after the make-up and jewelry bit realized that the saree kinda thing (actually a readymade saree where you just have to slip into it like a skirt and then drape the pallu) was tight from my waist. Apparently, my contribution to my clothes limited to the extent of giving measurements and the boutique person made it as per my waist size rather than slightly below it. So for one, I had to wear it like really high, which on wearing heels looked even more short and adding to the agony, it was mildly crushed, to which there was no solution again. Now all of you must realize that I was very important at this wedding due to my singular status and I “had” to look good.

After a lot of tantrums, fights and crying before my Mom and my sisters (I dunno how and why they tolerate me at all), I managed to look quite nice and leaving the makeup artists in the hotel itself as they were to leave for Delhi the very night, we left for the venue. On reaching, I got a call from them that the cab hadn’t arrived and a commotion began. It was my responsibility to get them back and virtually after two hours of struggle, we managed to get them dropped (a different post on that fiasco later).

Ultimately the wedding was a lot of fun: I did manage to carry the saree quite gracefully, a feat in itself and got complimented too; the juta churai (shoe stealing ceremony) was a piece of cake and my brother-in-law gave me a ring for it (imagine getting an award for stealing stuff).

What I loved the most was the tata scene that all thanks to the now-bride went off without the usual crying. She’s one strong-willed person and said that she’d rather say her byes happily than going off crying. So that’s how the wedding ended, with lots of love, happiness, fun, family and laughter, the way it should have!!.

At the risk of sounding rude..

It is said that when it rains, it pours.. July-December is the busiest time of the year for me. A time when I am loaded with work; high work pressure and long hours lead to some mistakes which further trickles down to a lot of shouting and screaming, the result an extremely pathetic day.

You call home to find some solace but amidst all the marriage festivity everyone is distracted, making you miss home all the more. One by one the phone is circulated between all the aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, they laughing, singing, dancing and mocking you for not being there. The sarcasm is evident when they say “tum to bas naukri karo” (you just do your job), without realizing that this is the last thing you want to do, when all you want is to run home. The choice you’ve made is for a reason, for the sake of your independence, freedom and not for money (as mentioned a few times by some relatives).

Everybody knows that money is an important but not the only factor I work for.. What they don’t understand is that I care for what I do, that I hold responsibility for my actions, or even for the lack of it. So though I miss home terribly, the fact remains that I can’t quit everything, a fact that sooner my family accepts, the better it would be for all of us.

Behavioral confusions..

At times I fail to comprehend a lot of things, call it my lack of observance or plain ignorance. I fail to understand behavioral patterns of certain people, what makes them tick, how their psyche functions and I detest not knowing, the absence of me figuring out the reason/logic behind any kind of disorder..

It confuses me.

Conversing in the present..

Can’t get away without this one. Have been going through a strange time right now in terms of people, feelings, the very surroundings in general and all the zig-zag has left me confused and a little bugged.

All the traveling I did this month was a lot of fun. “Fun”, a word I need to remind myself of more and more: fun with work, with friends, fun reading, fun doing nothing. Anyways, I need to get back into the grind, work and yet have fun like the good ol days.

A peculiar kind of pressure has built up at home with me being the only spinster left. My younger sister gets married next month and my niece sometime this year. I can virtually hear the worry in my parents’ voices. They think that I’d be upset and all and try to keep themselves calm before me but the fact is that I got too much on my plate to even think on this issue.

This month has also been kinda an eye opener for me. My birthday made me realize about certain people I have in my life. I’ve been off on certain terms with my family but now given up. My past worked against me and I got nothing to say in my defense. But now I’ve grown up and hopefully the howling scene of the last time won’t repeat itself no matter how much it actually hurts. Am also scared of letting somebody off the hook but its inevitable.

Lately, its been impossible to control my temper regarding this dude at work. He’s not a bad chap work wise but other than that, he irritates the shit out of me. I get so pissed with his fucking behavior where he pretends to be my knight in shining armor that I can barely keep myself from abusing or slapping him. He’s trying to force me to go out for dinner with him and I CAN’T!!

Now a certain call has distracted me from the whole issue and I’d say you guys should be glad of the same or I’d have gone on and on considering my present state of insanity.

P.S: This is the first time I've used foul language in my space but I couldn't find another subsitute that would show how angry I am and am not proud of it.

Varying definations.

"This was what happiness was- he'd never known it before; this melting away, this exhalation, your guts spilling into your head, filling your eyes- your mind transformed into your body, your body instinct with the joy in your mind, this sensation of reality having met its end." The Glass Palace by Amitav Ghosh.

I found this scribbled on a piece of paper I found deep within the pockets of my bag. And I remember jotting it down because it was one of the nicest ways I'd read love being described as. I seem to derive a new meaning out of it on every read.

The undisclosed stuff..

This one’s a dicey tag: one that wants me to reveal secrets.. But as the trend goes, I’ll be slightly evasive like burf who tagged me. The list goes like this:

1.I envy people who’ve stayed in foreign countries on their own. I too want to do that just for a tiny bit of it.
2.I love my parents beyond anything.
3.I have a habit of touching my earlobe while sleeping.
4.At times I do not understand lyrics of a lot of English numbers.
5.My idea of romance includes candlelight and fragrance (and I claim not to be mushy).
6.I get embarrassed when a guy approaches me.
7.I can’t understand anything remotely concerning numbers.
8.I love wit.
9.Temptations are very difficult to let go of by me.
10.I think I’ve come this far by sheer luck and some honesty and I possess no real talent.

I think I revealed way too much than I intended to and like always, I do not pass this one to anybody. Please do it if you want to and I’d love to read it.

The long and short of it..

- I suck at treks. I did pretty well climbing up and going down but the fatigue was beyond imagination. This in spite of that hour and a half regime I've been trying to follow.
- My tolerance level is much more than I thought. The bathing area near the Temple was beyond dirty/gross, I managed to take that bath and not crib.
- People have dual personalities, personal and professional For now I like my boss and I know tomorrow I'll get back to disliking him.
- I don't know how to fend off that guy without being mean.
- That sleep after one Combiflam was blissful, I think I connected with God.
- Its strange how that one person is the only one you want to see no matter how strongly you dislike him when you are totally lost in a strange place. I couldn't control my emotions after I saw my boss after almost two hours of being lost.
- Some people inspire faith just by their mere presence.
- I am lucky, I've people who love me, I realised that on my birthday.
- My birthday/trip from which I had zilch expectations was very good.
- I need to exercise more.

Of venting it out..

I was intending to write about something else, about how I like to watch the just arrived baby pigeons that look like little fur balls in the nest on my bathroom ventilator. About how I am obsessed with hands and feet of people, probably them being one of the first things I notice about anyone, the bone structure, the length of palm versus the fingers, the neat or cluttered lines that run across it, the nails, their shape, everything, and how I click them more than the faces whenever am doing that bit of photography..

But now am going to ramble about my work. Lets be honest, am not great at what am doing currently, neither do I enjoy it half as much as I did designing but am learning, giving my best shot and trying to get there. The annual increment was depressing, although I hadn’t expected even that much but then what the heck, am human and humans compare and when I did compare with my colleagues, I felt like crap.

Adding on to the brunt, I unfortunately told the exact figures to someone!! The calculations begun, the increment against the inflation rate and then my consequential increase in purchasing power.. That sucked big time!! I mean its alright to be totally practical but at that moment I didn’t need that, I wanted a friend who could tell me that money was shit and that it didn’t matter and like my Dad always says, I don’t work for money, I work to keep myself occupied, I work because I love to do what I do and primarily I work to achieve my ultimate goal (and am not revealing that one!!). The discussion kinda hurt my dignity and probably later I’d realize the importance of this reality check, but not now.

Anyways, the only consolation is that on the whole my account shows a very good figure and I’ll be buying myself that IPod Shuffle I’ve been waiting for!!

P.S: Am damn tempted to post my salary slip and ask for comments but I know I'll regret it later on so I shall refrain!!

Through the mind's eye..

As indicated in my previous post, boredom has captured my life and inspite of my many efforts to get over it, I’ve failed miserably. This boredom has led me to visualize places I’d like to go to, mostly those the ones I’ve read in books..

-Paris: It’s considered the most romantic city of the world. The museums like Louvre,the Churches lend to the city a certain charm and mystery, especially intensified by Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code. And then its got that dream like flavour to it, lent by the painters, musicians, the architecture, I can go on..
-Egypt: Pyramids, mummies, architecture, grandeur, mystery, need I say more!!
-Kerala: “God’s own country”, how aptly said.
-Vegas: The glamour, the larger than life image, the blinding lights, the sheer richness and opulence!! I once want to have enough money to be able to blow it off at the best casino there and hopefully not regret it too.
-Russia: For reasons unfathomable to even me, but as somebody tried reasoning my own reason, romance perhaps. I got enchanted by that place after reading Ayn Rand’s We the Living.
-Bahamas: The three S’s..
-Morocco: There’s a certain royalty about that place, a cultural heritage and that enigma factor, something that most of the Islamic cities have. Plus, I like the way its pronounced..
-Ladakh: The hills, the clear blue skies and lakes, the serenity, the air that is so fresh and cold that it hurts when you breathe, the subdued paleness where one colour blends into the other, like a water painting, the whiteness so stark that you have to shut your eyes.. No I’ve not been there, not yet!!
-Tibet: Buddhism inspires me, rather fascinates me even though I do not know much about it.
-Australia: Gotta see the coral reef and witness the Opera once in my lifetime.

These are the places I’ve heard about, read about, wondered of but am sure there’d be a zillion others that though do not have the discovery or enigma factor I look for in a place, they’d be a wonder just for the beauty, the peace, the ones am still to learn of and add to the list.

Umm..

The days are a reflection of each other, one days passes and the next approaches but when you think about the past, its all a blur, simple succession, just a conversion of minutes into hours and hours into days. Sometimes it feels like that lull before the storm or being the eternal optimist that I am, autumn before spring. The excitement, that surprise element seems to have evaporated out of life and the only piece of conversation I have is how bitchy the other flat mate of mine is. I don’t even feel happy about spending those two hours at Landmark the other day, a treat I gave myself when I was totally outraged with life.

The worst part is, earlier I use to read books/blogs and get inspired by them to write something of my own, I had so much to share that ideas buzzed in my head. Now the condition is entirely opposite, there is happiness in my voice, but a hint of boredom too, the smile on my face is accompanied by a lameness of expression and if this trend continues, I’ll lose all my friends- they’d be shit bored being with me.

Currently, am bored of all the things I love: books, people, sarcasm.

To do or not to do..

Since past a lot of weekends, I’ve been home alone.. Friday nights bring me to an empty apartment that lacks basic necessities like drinking water, vegetables, grocery, et all. So I drive myself back to the market, shop, call for the water can and prepare the place for a comfortable weekend.

However, past week has seen me toying with the idea of living on my own. I mean, one has roommates to talk to, to go out with, to share but as am my own virtually on all of the above mentioned issues, the idea of being alone has been growing on me. I’ve never done that before inspite of being out for almost 9 years and I have a zillion ifs and buts, a lot of inhibitions but the thought has pre-occupied my mind tremendously. I even spoke to Mom and Dad about it and surprisingly they were alright with it. Dad even went ahead and said that I should begin to look for a studio apartment kind of arrangement in a posh locality and then he and Mom would come down to settle me in. So if all goes well, I should be out by winter beginning.

Another thought I got on my mind is a tattoo. I’ve wanted a shooting star on my ankle for ages now and after seeing Ani’s, I’ve been dying to get one. It’s a matter of preparing myself to bear all that pain and finding the appropriate person to do it that’s stopping me. Again, amazingly enough Mummy is cool with it (and I am shocked with her reaction!!).

Next comes this contemplation of putting up a picture of myself on the blog. The picture does not show much of me, just a shadow kind of thing but going so public on the blog, when I’ve never even used the names of people I know, let alone myself, seems awkward..

Am hoping I’ll come to a decision on all of the above issues, how soon is a question I need to answer for myself

J's tag.

Last movie you saw in a theater
Khuda Kay Liye

What book are you reading
Life of Pi

Favorite board game
Ludo

Favorite smells
Green Apple; Earth, post rains; Kerosene; Mint.

Favorite sound
Laughter

Worst feeling in the world
Loneliness/ Missing family.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up
Can I afford an extra five minute sleep??

Favorite fast food place
McDonald's

Future child's name
I'll reveal it after the baby comes out!!

Finish this statement. "If I had a lot of money, I'd...."
Travel, travel and travel...

Do you drive fast
Hmm.. depends entirely on where I've to get to and whom to meet.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal
I don't like sharing my bed with ANYONE.

Storms- Cool or scary
Totally cool.

What was your first car
First and current car: Wagon R.

Favorite drink
Lemonade

Finish this statement. "If I had the time, I would..."
Get bored.

Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
Only if its properly boiled and very easily chewable.

If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
I got "virgin hair" and I plan to keep it that ways..

Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in
After being tagged by J and reading his list, mine seems non-existent.. Its just Lucknow, Chennai, Gharaunda and Gurgaon for me.

Favorite sports to watch
Ice skating.

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you
He's funny and he loves to read.

What's under your bed?
My travel bag.

Would you like to be born as yourself again?
I'll have to ask my parents if they'd like to have me as me, yet again!!

Morning person or night owl
Somewhere in between.

Over easy or sunny side up
Sunny side up.

Favorite place to relax
My bed;loo.

Favorite pie
Apple pie.

Favorite ice cream flavor
After 8, basically chocolate with mint.

Of all the people you tagged this to, who is most likely to respond first?
Most of the people I know have already done this one, the ones who've not, won't be interested and the ones who are can take it up themselves.

The trust factor..

~ What makes you allowing strange electrician/ plumber/ carpenter into your house?
~ What makes you give your house keys to your maid you’ve known for months?
~ What makes you go to places in a strange cab, strange city?
~ How do you believe that stranger you’ve just asked direction from?
~ What makes you give yourself in the hands of a strange man who’ll rip open your body for that operation?
~ What makes you deposit all your money into a bank?
~ What gives to the strength to enter into matrimony with a strange man, with a few recommendations?
~ What give you the courage to cross the road during heavy traffic?

A thousand such questions run through my mind and the only answer I get from within myself is: TRUST, my trust in fellow humans, my trust in God, and somewhere in myself too.

And people tell me I don’t trust easily, crap!!

White noise

That’s what it is like, hazy, unclear, disturbing, making no sense at all. It just goes on and on and on, disturbs your senses, your ears, your eyes..

That screechy, crazy noise that makes you change the channel, switch off you television sets, before which every other sound ceases to exist and you hope that next time when you turn on your systems, the noise would vanish.. It makes you stop doing everything else, the noise is so powerful and disturbing, it bangs inside your head, turns everything upside down and if it doesn’t stop, makes you scream!!

Can you imagine yourself locked in a room, being forced to hear that blare again and again??

For me loneliness is like that “white noise”.. Call it quarter life crises when you don’t know which way to go, when all your friends are either married or dating and you find yourself all alone, no sound except the fan running or the tube light hizzing. You turn the T.V on and are greeted by that white noise and then suddenly you begin recognizing the pattern, the notes in that profound, insane noise and appreciating that crazy sound..

You’re in for trouble, you’re loosing your mind.. that white noise has begun creeping in your life!!

And how I'll miss her.

Sisters are the quintessential parts of life, a fact probably only those would acknowledge who have one. I have two sisters and although they are much older than me, they are my best friends.

However, the person I am going to write about here is though not me real sister but she’s nothing less. She’s about two years younger than me and we’ve virtually grown up together. My earliest memories of her is of us fighting over something where I hit her and she in turn bit my hand, the tiny scar of which still remains at the back of my hand as a testimony of those innocent and crazy times.

Growing up with her was having fun, playing pranks on servants, competing for attention, laughing, and yet maintain our love and friendship for each other. After standard XII both of us landed up at NIFT, different batches and centers but distance failed to damage the bond, infact we became even closer. I shared stuff with her that I probably wouldn’t with anybody else and she, though being younger showed enormous understanding and maturity for which I respect her. She made me realize how important family was and how if all of us wanted to be together, couldn’t take grudges against each other.

You must be wondering what made me write about her.. Well, she’s getting married this July and this time when I went to my Amma’s place, with her out of station, the gravity of what I’d be missing struck me. I realized how its not going to be the same henceforth, how her laughter will not fill the house, the absence of her vivacity during festivals and family occasions, the joy she brought to all of us, those mid night conversations about life, changes, dreams and boys and how Amma’s place will never be the same again for me.

I hope she continues spreading that love and happiness in the new jaundra of her life and this time too distance be only in spaces and not hearts..

When doing nothing seems the best idea..

Places make you nostalgic, things make you nostalgic, people make you nostalgic and so do memories..

This weekend I flew down home on a whim, I flew because I was scared to be alone, I flew because nostalgia had gripped me like never before and I knew that only my parents could give me that assurance, that security I was craving for.

I went home and did nothing and that nothing was so good to do that I prolonged my stay for further two days. My routine at home was like:
~ Get up in the morning around 11-11:30 am.
~ Go to my parents’ room where my dad would be working or watching TV, hug him and take that 10 minute nap.
~ My cook would come with my usual nimbu paani, tea and toast by then.
~ Wash, brush and hog.
~ Chat with Papa for an hour or two before he left for work.
~ Shower and help Mom in the kitchen or simply sit their and talk with her.
~ Wait for Papa for lunch and eat with him.
~ Laze, read, watch TV or call my neice and nephew over to my place and play with them.
~ By 7:00 in the evening I was out with my friends and came back by 10:00-10:30 pm.
~ Again sit with my parents.
~ Read till 2:00-3:00am and dose off.

Such peace and tranquility gripped me during this time that for a while I even considered quitting my job and staying on forever.. I’ve given myself a month to sit on the thought and come up with a conclusion, lets see!!

Personally speaking..

Work for me is personal!! I give 3/4th of my day to work, beginning from getting up in the morning, preparing lunch, fighting the morning traffic to get to the office at 9.00am sharp. I slog throughout the day, tolerate my boss, bear chauvinism, survive politics, smile at people I dislike and ignore lewd stares and comments...

Once home (virtually after 10-11 hours at office), my preparation for the next day begins from buying vegetables/grocery on my way home to cooking as soon as I get back so that I can call it a night early on. I hardly go out with friends on weekdays and even get nightmares about things going wrong at work.

I feel helpless seeing a vendor in a bad shape and being rude when I ignore these zillion phone calls for I don’t have answers to the questions like when they can receive the next order so that they can re-open their factories. I get traumatized by their problems, carry work tensions into my personal life.. My day at work usually dictates the way I talk to my parents, siblings and friends and yet I am asked to believe in the phrase : “Its not personal, its business!!”

Can I??

Sigh..

It began with the evening day before. I was in the office till about 8:40 pm when the meeting got over and I was asked to display my shoeline before leaving. My presentation was to take place the next day but being a little too tired, I left the arrangement mid way and headed for home. That particular day had turned out to be a bit grueling, thanks to my colleague throwing attitude for no apparent reason.

Next day was doomsday, the meeting began at 8:45 am as decided and obviously I reached late at about 9:10am due to the heavy traffic. My boss was fuming and I got a blasting before eight senior people, which needless to say was extremely embarrassing. I then goofed it up even further by forgetting all the sales figures am supposed to remember and things got from bad to worse. All the efforts that I’d been putting in all this while and the evident results had all been overlooked. I don’t know how I controlled myself from running out of the conference room at that moment. Icing on the cake was being invited (rather ordered) for the lunch and then being totally ripped apart.

The situation is still pretty grim: my colleague is in his prolonged state of insanity, my super boss believes that I am apparently not serious about my work and the top sales team assumes that am a fool for I forgot everything..

When will things get better??

Looking up..

I just happened to visit Mansi's blog and was truly inspired by her words.

Her blog forced me to think in a direction long forgotten by me and stirred something within that I thought didn't exist, rather ignored for a long, long time..

Try going through it and am sure you'll come about as a more thoughtful, if not a better person..

P.S: Thanks Mansi for commenting on my post and thereby opening me up to hopefully a better me.

Uncluttering the clutter..

Past few days have seen me cleaning spaces: literally!! I’ve cleared my cupboard, my shoe rack, my dresser, the kitchen shelves, the refrigerator, my email and cellphone inbox(s), my desktop, my feelings, thoughts, everything I could think off.. I carefully sorted out stuff, piled them into wanted, maybe and to be discarded slots and made my decisions.

The earlier ones were easy, rather welcome. It was a long weekend and I hate doing nothing so cleaning up the place was a pleasant chore. However, soon it was all done, things at home were spick and span and I found myself thinking about those mixed emotions, that inner turmoil I ignore as much as I can, the feelings I don’t admit even to myself…

All the cleaning and organizing had left me content and motivated to go on and so I took up the challenge to clear my thoughts. I contemplated on the people I’d clung on to, the people whom I called my friends but hadn’t spoken to them since ages, the people who cared so much about me without bothering if I reciprocated; I let the first ones go, decided upon the second one and began respecting the last ones..

I relived memories (all good ones because I think only the nicer ones have the ability to make you feel sad, the bad ones provoke anger) and let them pass too..

I emptied the mess in my head and now I feel exhilarated like never before.

And that's how my Dad made my day!!

Its my Dad's Birthday today and instead of I making his day, he made mine...

ME: Happy Birthday Papa!!
PAPA: Thank you beta..
ME: So what are you doing??
PAPA: Working (in his study at home)
ME: Ohh..so who else called? Did N & G (my sisters) wish you??
PAPA: Not yet.
ME: See, I am your best daughter..right?
PAPA: Yes, you are my best daughter..

And Papa said it with such love and affection that it instantly brought a smile on my face, all my worries were dispelled and I felt all loved and pampered, just like a small child, just like his youngest daughter!!

Am I getting weird??

These days I find myself praying for Mr.Bully's (read my boss) happiness because he has the ability to screw up mine...

Saturday night..

Breaking monotony, having fun, Absolut, chips, crackers, smoke, good old days, music, laughter, insights, confessions, crying, sadness, keeping the volume low, three roomies, comfort, hesitations, going back in time, malice, cribbing, bonding, warmth, phone, conversations, depth, joy, stories of new found love, giggles, questions..

And that's how that Saturday ended, or Sunday began!!

Smile..

Desperately needing a cheer after a blasting from my boss (and expecting another one after he's done with the meeting), I decided to be stubborn and began reading old blogs of friends instead of working. I randomly reached Aparna's blog and while going through her ancient posts, came across this one.

Its a copy paste but made me smile, hope it has a similar effect on you..

Take a few minutes and read these. Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to
the next one.........

> Falling in love.
> Laughing so hard your face hurts.
> A hot shower.
> No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.
> A special glance.
> Getting mail.
> Taking a drive on a pretty road.
> Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
> Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
> Hot towels out of the dryer.
> Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!)
> A long distance phone call.
> A bubble bath.
> Giggling.
> A Good conversation.
> The beach.
> Finding a $20 bill (or $100) in your coat from last winter.
> Laughing at yourself.
> Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
> Running through sprinklers.
> Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
> Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
> Laughing at an inside joke.
> Friends.
> Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
> Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
> Your first kiss.
> Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
> Playing with a new puppy.
> Having someone play with your hair.
> Sweet dreams.
> Hot chocolate.
> Road trips with friends.
> Swinging on swings.
> Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
> Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
> Going to a really good concert.
> Winning a really competitive game.
> Making chocolate chip cookies.
> Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
> Spending time with close friends.
> Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
> Holding hands with someone you care about.
> Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
> Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
> Watching the ex-pression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
> Watching the sunrise.
> Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

Bit by bit..

Handicrafts in India form a major source of income to the rural segment of our society. The income is meager but aspirations high. I came to realize the importance of handiwork on my last visit to Sambal, a tiny district close to a small Uttar Pradesh town of Muradabaad.

Muradabaad is primarily famous for its brass work but a lot of small crafts like “dari” (rug) making, zari work, block printing co-exist in its shadow. One such craft cluster I saw was dari making, an art where rugs are woven on a loom like, locally made machine. The material used is strips of wasted cloth or seconds blankets from Ludhiana factories.

What struck me about this place was its people and the conditions they worked under. A tiny courtyard is occupied by the loom, the cloth strips, a cooking area with utensils, domestic animals such as goats and chicken and last but not the least, a tiny cot. The artisans play loud music while working to maintain focus and are able to complete 3-4 rugs in a day.

On speaking to them about the hardships they faced while cultivating the crafts, they poured their hearts out. I was told how these poor and most of the times illiterate people were cheated by giving them huge orders and then later deceived for all the hard work put in by them. Lack of working capital forced them to borrow money at huge interest rates by pawning whatever little they had and after the production was complete, a dozen quality issues cropped up and the inspector refused to take the stock. These men were then forced to sell it off at the price desired by the buyer for the fear of hoarding stock. These craftsmen earn barely a rupee or two per piece and are even content with that.. I couldn’t believe that people could be so merciless and deprive these uneducated men of even their due share.

These artisans who are engineers, designers and pillars of a diminishing craft are dying a slow death and no one is paying heed to them. A little motivation, support and encouragement can go a long way. I am trying to do my bit and pray that the Government tries to do theirs before its too late..

Accident..

Past two days have been kinda crazy for me. I commute a distance of 5 kilometers on a cycle rickshaw, all thanks to the accident I had on Friday evening. A truck rammed into the front of my car, completely destroying the bumper, lights and the grill. So now, all credit to the awesome Gurgaon infrastructure, it takes me 45 minutes to cover a distance of 10 minutes.

Its freezing cold outside at 8:15 am (yes, that’s when I leave my home) and I have to wrap myself from head to toe before I set a foot outside. I than need to walk for about 10 minutes before I finally manage to get a rick. Once on board, I am free to look around and observe but I can’t do that either for its all dusty and your eyes are at constant threat if you dare to open them before you reach the destination. Anyhow, I do manage to squint a bit and witness people doing funny things while they halt at the red light. I see people picking their nose, combing their hair, checking themselves in the rare view mirror, applying lipstick, shouting on somebody over the phone or singing loudly along with FM in their cars and I smile..

I wonder how many of my such idiosyncrasies have been witnessed by others.. Have they seen me eating my breakfast while waiting for the light to turn green or applying lip balm that I frequently do or enjoying that piece of chocolate I have secretly hidden in my car or shouting abusives at a fellow careless driver..

Also on my rickshaw ride I feel the wind on my face, direct and so harsh that it manages to water my semi-opened eyes and yet I feel refreshed by it. I realize the worth of my car when I miss the hot air blowing at my feet from the blower and think how I would not have “really” enjoyed the winters without this experience..

I crib, I observe, I smile and I also laugh thinking of my Dad’s comment when I told him about my accident “ The world is certainly a safer place to live in with your car in the garage!!”

Growing old..

A conversation with G on his Birthday..

Me: Hey, Happy Birthday..
G: Thanks!!
Me: So whats happening?? What’ll you be doing??
G: Nothing much, will probably go out with family..
Me: Why, what happened to A, S and the rest of your friends??
G: Thay are all busy..
Me: Hmm.. Don’t worry you treat me when I come home..
G: Sure..
Me: So who else called??
G: Nobody really, just you and R..
Me: Ohhh..
G: Tell me something Sam, why do the number of calls on your Birthday decrease as you grow older??
Me: Hmm..

It was a normal Birthday kinda conversation and then suddenly with one line it changed into something else.. I began pondering on why the number of calls gradually declined once we grew older because as you grow old, you come across more people, increase your social circle.. You make some friends and lose a few but more or less its balanced..

Couldn’t figure that one out!!

Wearing six yards something..

With my brother’s marriage approaching and I being the only unmarried/ un-engaged female in the family, get more than required attention from my parents and relatives. Right now the latest hue and cry is what I’d be wearing for the “D Day”…

After a lot of discussions, arguments and fights, the junta came to a common conclusion that a sari would be the ideal choice. I was duely called home for the weekend and taken all over the city to pick what I liked. Finally when we had all given up, we went to this last boutique where I found exactly that I wanted. It was a whitish-silverish thing that caught my attention right away.

Now the guy draped the sari on me. The end was tucked, the pleats folded and secured with a belt. The loose end was draped perfectly on my shoulder and I felt transformed. I thought I’d be all clumsy and funny, (considering the fact that I never wear a salwaar kameez, let alone a sari) but nothing like that happened. I felt more mature, more in command and unfortunately a little older too. The funny, confused kid had suddenly vanished and what I saw in the mirror was a new me.

There was a kind of adrenaline rush, a fear and I so wanted to cling on to my old self. Me, who couldn’t even carry a scarf properly and giggled at the stupidest of things was feeling all grown up. But I knew that something had changed, a change that though doesn’t come about by merely changing your clothes but probably by the way you begin to view yourself, with a different perspective, a different way..

Between them and me..

Lately I’ve been going through posts which repeatedly clarify how much the authors love their parents, friends, spouses.. No offense to them but initially I thought that it was quite sweet of them to do that but gradually when the pattern repeated itself I was forced to think otherwise. I don’t understand if they are trying to convince themselves or the world of their affection towards the loved ones..

I perceive these things in a different light altogether. For me, the people I love are taken for granted. It sounds pretty crude but then I feel all the things that are really important to us like sunshine or air are there for us all the time. We don’t get up every morning and say “thank God there’s sun today” because we know that we can rely on it to come out each day.

Likewise, I don’t tell my parents/ family/ friends how much I love them all the time because they are my family and friends and they’d better be there!! I usually let my actions do most of the talking, a big hug, a tiny peck, its usually gestures and actions for me.. Probably am not a very vocal person and don’t express myself explicitly but I know that they know and I guess that’s what eventually matters..

Anyhow, its to each his own!!

Feeling good..

Winters always remind me of books, movies, everything larger than life, everything beautiful..

I drive down to work and often find myself imagining empty roads, good music and that beautiful white mist all around..Or when the work gets too hectic and life a little too confusing, I picture myself all curled up in a bean bag with a good book and hot tea..Walking down the road on a chilly morning with breeze on the face..thinking a zillion times before pouring that mug of water on my head..that hot water bottle on my feet..that accentuated smell of flowers in my room..

Winters do this to me..they rejuvenate me, make me happy about life and give me the strength to believe in the phrase: "All will be good"..

WINTERS..