A time to make changes..

I have often wondered what peace means and something that Ani wrote triggered it off. I guess peace is a relative term and while you might still be at peace after a big fight at work but a small personal issue may make you restless.

Let’s get more personal here, like always. When I question myself when I am at peace, there is just one answer that pops into my head, when I am happy in my personal life, when I am loved and cared for by the people I care about and then everything sets a patterns and things flow smoothly. It’s like a cycle: I am happy, I behave nice, get my work done nicely, don’t lose my temper and get more efficiency out of people.

And while writing above I realize how the central theme has been all about affection and being cared for. Though I don’t owe any explanation, I am not in love but I have realized that it’s all that matters. The thought was pretty surface level and now it seems to be seeping in, slowly and steadily and hopefully to stay..

Mind games..

I have been wondering for a while now what it takes for two people to fall in love with each other.. Like truly fall in love, the movie types, the one which is not unconditional (maybe so) but real, the one that stands the test of time, the one with a happily ever after, the one where you are crazy about each other and it shows in your eyes.. What is that special element that binds two people together and I fail to get an answer.

When I reflect at my yester self, of the things that I wanted then, it was so different. I wanted an educated guy, well settled who respected my parents and me and lets me work. Earlier I thought that I wasn’t capable of anything too concrete, it made me nervous but now I am sure that I am and that I wouldn’t want to settle for anything else. So much has changed in the way I perceive things now. I feel if I actually like somebody, I would be more giving (contrary to my nature), I would be a lot more tolerant and willing to adjust more.. Now I don’t know what is simpler, I mean aren’t you supposed to get more realistic and practical instead of aiming for the moon and here I am doing precisely that, going backwards.

At the present all I need is love, tenderness and concern plus a person who makes me go crazy with laughter wouldn’t hurt either. If only..

About being home..

I go home ever so often now. By home I imply my place (in my head I am thinking my parents place but dismiss the idea instinctively) in Lucknow that I’ve been raised in. I was born, bred and brought up in that house and resided there for 17 years before I left for another city, never again to be a permanent resident. I am supposed to know the place like the back of my hand, be familiar with what goes where and be the most comfortable there. I shouldn’t get bored with no one around or keep looking for my mother and following her like a pup all over the place. But I don’t. I do crave home but want to get back to my space after a while.

My mother has painstakingly made sure that nothing changes for me when I go home. My toothbrush still occupies the space in that ceramic basket in my parent’s bathroom (I’ve never used the one attached to my room till date), my towel is hung on the third hook behind the door like always and a closet full of clothes that I left behind when I moved out to study. She knows how these little things matter to me and give me that sense of warmth and familiarity and she has never let them change.

That day after staying home for a long time and flying back in the evening, I happened to comment how I was looking forward to going back “home” and relaxing. My mother who was helping me pack suddenly went quiet and the smile vanished. When she couldn’t refrain herself, she asked me in that hurt but trying to fix it up voice, “isn’t this home anymore?” and could have died then for that awful mistake I had made.

I think having lived alone has done this to me that I am never perfectly at ease apart from when I am not on my own. I hate it for a few days when I come back from home or being around a lot of people but with it there is also a relief as if something that had gone dormant is breathing again. At times I even miss my parents so much that I just fly home on a whim but I cannot see a perfect solution to my situation. I cannot figure out how I can I be with my parents and still get the solace that I find in my current surroundings.

Guess there is nothing like having your cake and eating it too..

A story..

I love beautiful pictures. And I just don't love anything but usually the ones connected to everyday lives, laughter, smiles, close ups.. His is the kind of photography I relate to, it is so everyday and relatable and obviously beautiful. So one day while going through his pictures, I got so inspired that I decided to write my first ever story, based on one of his pictures.

Now, while I do read a lot of fiction, I am extremely poor in attempting to pen one but nonetheless, I will give it a shot. So here it goes:


One early morning while wandering through the by lanes of a popular ghaat (riverbank), I came across this colourful astrologer sitting majestically beneath his thatched umbrella on a raised platform. He was in his full ensemble with a white dhoti kurta and a forehead covered with freshly applied sandal wood paste. He exuded certain grandeur and gave the impression of a man with knowledge and skills. The way he sat with one arm on the back rail and the other on his knee stirred confidence within the observer.

Unable to resist my urge to know of my future and taken in with the whole façade and his demeanor, I decided to pay him a visit. Outside the board read, “50 rupaye mein apna bhavishya jaane” (know your future in rupees 50) and so I promptly went in. He ran his gaze from my head to toe, probably not used to seeing girls in denims/ tees with a big bag that I think he suspected with a lot of money.

I did my Namaste, sat down before him and gave him my best possible smile which obviously failed to hit its mark. He asked me what I wanted to know and I replied very lamely, “my future.” The look I next got was that of a moron being asked, “what in future, marriage, children, money, health…”, to which my reply was work. He gave me a sneer and said, “so you need to know about money na!!” and I argued back, “NO!! I want to know if I will be able to achieve what I want in my life and that money will follow.” I think I lost him in translation but understandably he did not want to give up and lose his 50 bucks so he tells me “you will get married this year.”

This time “I” gave him a sneer, groped for the money I owed him and walked away handing it to him. How stupid I was..

Good, bad, whatever, this is it.

P.S: It is fiction and nothing else. The picture is the property of Prashant Bhardwaj and must NOT be used anywhere without his permission, I took one..

Loss of direction..

The happy feeling has dissipated and instead is replaced by this ominous, scary bobbing of my heart.

And I wonder again where I am headed..

Opening up and trying..

At work today while trying to meet a deadline, I almost lost my temper at somebody but decided to keep quiet. I just nodded, shrugged my shoulders and left the place. This is not my usual style of responding to situations that upset me; I am extremely impulsive and react to things the very moment. Not saying that that I am very efficient, but I am organized and I do not look for shortcuts to resolve problems and that’s a trait that bugs me about people, especially in my line of work where you are heading for a disaster if you are not planned.

Anyways, the point I am trying to make here is that I feel myself changed after being here for two years. I have learnt to control my temper (the hardest way possible) and to keep my mouth shut in most of the situations and I feel good about it now. I can be arguing with a person on email and would be joking with the same when I come across him/ her right then. I’ve understood not to take things personally and appreciate that work is just that. I have become calmer and less restless.

And another thing has changed. Earlier, I was reluctant to do anything apart from footwear, I felt that it was my calling and I wouldn’t be as good at anything. Then with the footwear market diminishing due to the removal of anti dumping duties in China, I was practically forced to get into home products and I opposed fiercely. I would shrug off things to do in that category but constant push made me give in and I began doing it. Beginning from making a total fool of myself before suppliers and buyers alike, to telling them beforehand that I didn’t know anything to finally grasping the product and now even working out costing, I’ve come a long way.

It has made me realize that I can virtually do anything if I make up my mind and the moment I begin to understand it, I start loving it. In fact, now this attitude applies to a lot of spheres in life. It is mostly a question of knowing something and before long you’ll begin to like it because nothing can be bad without any good into it. It has given me so much confidence in myself, the belief that I will definately have a career path later in life because it wouldn’t matter what I am doing, and eventually I will learn and love it.

I feel free now and less scared of what future holds..

All in little time..

I seriously can't afford to take this kind of time out of work right now but the urge is too huge to ignore, so here I go.

I am feeling weird right now. I mean it's kind of sadist of me to feel happy about (what I am assuming)how it ended. I may even call it sickening but I just do not feel any guilt. It's difficult to explain but I'll try. I know what I am feeling is horrible, pathetic and disgusting and I am trying to feel bad about it, only because I am supposed to. In reality, I feel smug, even arrogant and strangely satisfied. On the hindsight, the very same,or even worst can happen to me. It's so confusing to oscillate between feeling happy/guilty and scared, all at once.

Another thing that I need to vent out: why can't people from my past just let my family and me be. They should just ignore that we exist and if somebody asks of us, simply say that they do not know us; I am sure my family would do the same. I think all relationships have a certain amount or sanctity and by talking ill of them, you just destroy even the nicer bits.

That's all I got time for today..