It’s very strange- I have sort of a perfect life. I mean,
one can be fussy about all that’s missing but once you compare it to what you
have, it’s negligible. Still, yes “still”, I always fancy someone else's life. They are prettier, sizzling hot, more suave, more successful, brilliant orators, super
intelligent, witty and funny, genuinely nice, dramatically lucky, excellent PR, stupidly ignorant, full of
themselves- basically more in their skin.
It has been so many years and I think they’ve both moved on,
they’ve achieved what they set out to in life. Being ambitious that they both
were, no high will be too high but there is belief that they are content in
their spaces, happy about the choices they made in the past and glad that
destiny intervened when it did.
But I do get curious too- what if their paths cross again,
if a conversation happens: will there still be fireworks..
I sometimes wonder how I can abandon this place for months-
a place that has given me so so much that I can’t possibly put into words.
I remember finding my way here when I was heartbroken for
the first time. Initially (and I hate to admit it), I began writing just to
prove that it didn’t hurt, that I was too strong for a relationship to break
me. At that time, I wasn’t cynical
enough and this place wasn’t personal enough so I posted the link on Orkut- not
only could friends read it and testify for my bravery, but “he” could too and I
knew that he would get sooo pissed off seeing that I was not that sobby girl
who he’d left behind but someone who couldn’t care a damn. It was mission
accomplished, or I’d like to believe so..
Slowly, I began writing more and weirdly enough people were
reading me even though I’d removed my link from Orkut. I began sharing my fears
of starting all over again (something I was going to do quite a few times in
the years to come), of being around new people. When work got tough or I failed
miserably in another relationship- this was my “go to” space, only this time the "boyfriends" weren't aware of here. Being that super
private person I was, I wouldn’t write how I felt in as many words but indicated
enough for me to vent out everything inside me. I never took names, never have,
never will and that made it soo much easier.
I also began reading so much on other spaces and they gave
me strength, I’d made some nameless friends who just knew me and since there
was no mandate to be nice/ be in touch all the time, I grew close to them
through words only, it was just so simple. The intervention of Twitter
made things change and a lot of people moved from here to there. Some things
happened in my life too that made me stay away from here for long gaps- getting
engaged and it not working out/ falling in love and not being reciprocated to
name a few. So I usually visited this space in my bouts of melancholy, which
were often too soon..
After a string of rubbish relationships, S happened and I
stopped coming here as regularly as I did. He has become my “go to” person now-
for everything! I know I will not be judged- just accepted, he gives me the
same feeling that I get with my parents, of being loved unconditionally, of his
having more confidence in me than I have on myself, laughing at my silliest of
jokes, putting me to sleep, even telling me stories when I can’t; and I can
obviously go on..
So the reason I am writing this is because it’s going to be
a decade of here in July and when I go back to my earliest post, I didn’t have
much to write about, to now when I am in a similar situation. I started because
I was broken and now, after a decade when I think he fixed me I am tempted to