Wednesday, December 09, 2015

A vacant feeling..

I don't know the kind of life I've been living the past few months. I can't say that I am unhappy, rather I am and it's all because of the joy that my work brings me. My work strangely impacts every aspect of my life and like a lot of people can, I cannot disintegrate myself from it. 

But apart from that, I am pretty much in shambles. With S not here, I lack motivation and zeal for anything in life. I have an OCD but my house is in a mess and I just can't be bothered. I love clicking pictures but its hard to find the subject in my everyday life while once it came so naturally to me. It's difficult to even form sentences and write properly or be enthusiastic for anything in life at all. And I can't even begin to talk about how hard it is for me to sleep, how nightmares scare me like never before.. It's like my living force is missing, that somewhere my soul has evaporated. 

And I know that it's just a phase and it too shall pass, that maybe like all things that have happened in my life to bring me to him, this is happening only because of my fear of mediocrity, that maybe these tough times are only there to show us better ones..

But how I miss him..

Saturday, October 31, 2015

My little pep talk..

I think I am great at what I do- making shoes. It's not only something I love, but it comes naturally to me and am confident about it. All the places that I've worked at, have witnessed an all over business growth, improved product and a sustainable business model.

And after all of it, I doubt myself, talk about myself in a derogatory manner and simply have no knack whatsoever to market my strengths. I also realise that the more I think that it is not happening because of me, the more it will impact my attitude and body language.

Henceforth, I will believe in myself, come out and say that the growth happened because of me and that if I can take the blame for a business not doing well, I better get credit for its exponential growth..

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Existence..

I no more know how to cope without him. And I never, ever thought that I will be in such a state.

 It’s been tough times for us lately with S’s job issues. So today, after a lot of drama and lack of opportunities here, he moved to Bombay. I stayed back and now I don’t know what to do with myself. He’s been the center of my world since we got married and his moving out made me realise somethings about myself:

-          -I have never been so dependent on anyone
-          -I no more need “space”
-          -I don’t know how to sleep in that big bed, all by myself
-          -I am cold throughout the night and need to use double blankets
-          -It seems all the laughter and joy has vanished from my life
-          -I can trade a lot with God, provided he comes back
-          -I’ve quit smoking, something I really loved to do
-          -I’ve realized that I write here only and only for myself

My entire schedule has gone hay wire:
-           -I woke up and snuggled in for a five minute nap, no more.
-           -While I took eons to get ready, he made the bed, watered the plants- I do it 
              now
-          -He took ages to eat breakfast and I fought with him for getting late- it doesn’t 
             even matter anymore
-          -I HAD to text him once I reached office, he can’t do much about my safety now
-          -Fought him if he took the car- I have it all to myself and now I don’t know 
             what was the big deal
-          -We checked with each other after lunch, and I miss it now
-          -The evenings that were the best part of my life as I got to see him, are the 
             scariest
-          -He’d wait for me with an open door when he heard the car being parked and 
             we raced home..

I don’t know now, I don’t..

Friday, September 04, 2015

Hoping against odds..

Most of the times, when I don't read the newspaper, when I am not at all aware of whats's happening around the world, my maternal instincts take over and I feel like I am ready to have a kid. More so for S's sake for I know what a wonderful dad he'll be and I just want to witness those moments where I am viewing both of them as an outsider.

Then I read these things on Syria, on the supposed recession coming in and it scares me. What if I can't give the same upbringing to my child that my parents did, what if I can't support it the way I would like to, or what if I am not maternal enough or responsible enough or too ambitious to think about anything but my career.

And then that tiny voice, the one that I always listen to, creeps in and says that it will all be perfect, that S will compensate for all that I lack, that he will overcome all my shortcomings like he's been doing all this while.

And then there's hope in the world and belief in my heart..

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

The past..

I know we read each other- infact sometimes I feel that's why we write at all, to let the other person know about ourselves. To sometimes say that how we are struggling with our lives in different manners, or how happy we are with the choices that we have made, or even say that at times we miss having old close friends around. We brag here or just be matter of fact.

I've even got ahead and bared my soul, stated the guys I've dated and how I've broken my heart a zillion times, something he's not have had to go through. I've had stories to tell and secrets to reveal. And the older I've grown, the easier it has become to do just that.

We've hated each others guts and I've hated how he replicates me (it pisses me off but yet it's sort of a sign that he's reading my space). And after all this while I wonder why we do that, when we've both moved and are happy and content with our own lives. Why this inquisitiveness still exists after all these years.

And I only get one answer- maybe we were just better off as friends..

Monday, August 31, 2015

Only him..

I often think about the "ifs" of my choices in life,
If I had more patience, if I'd given it a chance..

And then I think-
I wouldn't have had it any other way..
The best things in life have happened to me in haste, when I wasn't even thinking about them..
That chance would have been the dumbest thing I'd have done in my life..
He keeps so happy that I've made me re-think the concept of soulmates..

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Stop..

Can this nonsense please stop.
I've been craving for stability, to stick to a place and do well for myself but the ambiguity, be it personally or professionally comes in way.

Please let S get a proper spot here so that we never, ever have to move.
Just please..