Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Mercy..

I have been working for 10 years now and although it may not seem a lot but I’ve slogged all this while, tried doing complete justice to every facet, treated it like it’s my life. I have taken so much stress that I’ve lost hair and feel weird about how I look.

I have tried being fair and kept shut about things that have bothered me. Then why cannot I get that tiny bit of recognition that I so want. Why do I have to struggle for everything- money, respect, recognition, even acknowledgement. I might be doing something wrong and I have no idea what.

Mercy please..

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Signs and more..

It's my birthday- again! So let's forget all about that and write what I came here to..

I have been feeding birds for years now. Everyday after my pooja (prayers), I scatter a palmful of lentils and some rice on the balcony and wait for birds, mostly pigeons to rush to them. 

While I was in Delhi, for almost 7 years, these little guys had learnt the timings. They'd already be waiting for me when I went out and by the time I was leaving the city, some of them had even begun eating out of my hand. 

I have been in Bangalore for a year and a half now and like always, scattered the grains everyday- only to see them go waste, until lately. A few days back when I left out food for the birds, I saw a pigeon fly to it. While I waited behind the balcony door, I somehow could sense it's anxiety while pecking at these. I smiled to myself, somewhat with relief even. The next day there were more of these birds so I increased the quantity and now there are about 12 pigeons that greet me in the morning. 

I felt relived because I've associated home with them, it's like my soul has accepted the place and this is it's way of communicating this to me. It's amazing, the sort of peace I feel when I see them pecking at the food I leave out for them and the joy when I wake up S to watch that scene with me is incredible..

I guess I am finally content now, from the inside..

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

And it's come down to this..

So my little nephew refuses to study and my sister scolds him:

N: What will you become when you grow up if you don’t study!
S: I will become a politian..
N: ??
S: If Modi can become the prime minister being a tea boy, I can too..

It's great that he’s 4 years old and so aware, and also that Modi can aspire anyone to become whatever they want to, and it does sound pretty great.

But like really.. 

Friday, May 09, 2014

The shedding process..

I cannot deny the fact that I’ve been in love quite a few times. And it has never been the casual sort of love, on the contrary it’s been the intense kinds where I have mostly wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

I first fell in love when I was probably 17 years old. We were best friends in school and the irony is that we began dating only after we moved to different cities, meeting just once a year. Despite all that, it lasted 6 years and came very close to ending the way we wanted it to. That never happened and I was left with a lot of bitterness for a long time to come. I swore to myself, (the way we do when our hearts get broken for the first time), that I would never fall in love, never date, but mostly I learnt that I will never compromise what I wanted to be for anyone- and that was my first lesson in love.

The promise didn’t last long and before I knew it, I was dating again. Again in different cities, hardly meeting each other. Countries changed and breakups happened. This time however it was different, for once it was mutual so there were no tears as such, just a hollow feeling that you get when you revert to being single after years. Obviously I’d matured and things were easier- or so I thought.

The next one was sort of weird and am still not sure if I was seeing him. Stupid as it may sound, I actually didn’t know. I had been terribly attracted to this person for years but always thought that I was totally out of his league. Again different cities (which had become so my thing- I could compartmentalize my life, have my career, my own set of friends and not be answerable to anyone, rather bound by anything), but it was much more intense than anything I’d ever experienced. At one point I thought that I could never have a normal relationship after him, I’d become so used to not talking for months, or zero expectations that I had begun believing that’s probably how it worked. I had too much of pride and ego to even question what was happening. When this one ended, I thought my life would end and it didn’t. The wall I thought I’d built around myself came crashing down and I just went numb.

Not for long I must say! I began dating yet again and the similarity was so acute to the previous one that I thought that if I went through the trauma again, I might just collapse. So when S asked me out, I simply said yes. We were very good friends, he treated me like china, always took care of me and tolerated all my tantrums. I assumed that if he was soo good to me as a friend, he would definitely treat me well as his partner. I was starving for a normal relationship, where you could call the person anytime you wanted to, where you didn’t have to hide behind the wall and he gave me that and much more. The doubts I had about ever being in love again- without pride or ego and selflessly have long been shattered because that’s the kind of love I received and I simply had to reciprocate it.

The reason am writing the much hidden story of my life is because:
-        -  I have wanted to come out in the open for a very long time.
-        -  I couldn’t care less of what people think of me now

-          But mostly because whenever I've dated someone, I've never confessed of it in public. It's been like hiding it, and not telling about it to anyone. So when I read someone on insta of how she had fallen in love and couldn't care less what people thought of her, how she showed her excitement about meeting that person, it made me so happy.

 I realized that love is not a thing to hide.  When you give so much of yourself to a person, there is nothing to be ashamed of it. You were young, you made mistakes and you learnt or maybe didn’t but these will be with you for the rest of your life and mostly you’ll look back at them only with fondness- I do..

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Making mistakes and such..

Maybe I will always be an outsider. Outsider to jokes, to bonding, friends, colleagues, relatives, everything..

I have never managed to make close friends, people never like me at first instance and mostly everyone gets inhibited by that invisible wall I seem to have created around myself. I make progress and then pushed back again. I move one step forward and end up in square one. I try to be kind and patient, maybe too much so, and then taken for granted.

I learn, only to forget as quickly. And then there’s no denying the fact that it hurts terribly..

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Happy posts..

The "happiness" clippings make me feel soo good.. :) So I just thought I'd write things that make me happy:
- I feel overwhelmed by what I feel for him, its amazing to be in love with exactly the right person..
- I will live by the sea, maybe later in life..
- I was talking to Ma today and she said she didn't realise how quickly we grew up, she still thinks of us as little kids..
- Writing makes me happy



... :)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Easier said than done..

My sister's travelling and I am playing a long distance, temporary guardian to my teenage niece.
Bloody scary..