Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Stop..

Can this nonsense please stop.
I've been craving for stability, to stick to a place and do well for myself but the ambiguity, be it personally or professionally comes in way.

Please let S get a proper spot here so that we never, ever have to move.
Just please..

Friday, June 19, 2015

Feelings that scare you..

I read books and end up feeling that they are real people. How the characters are developed, make me think that I am a person that doesn’t feel half the things. But then when I think and I really think, I do realise my own nuances and traits. There’s one such incident from the past..

I was in NIFT then, probably my second year. I had begun dating A and since it was a long distance relationship, I ended up being on my own pretty much while all my friends were trying to woo their respective ones.  And I didn’t mind at all- I was super sure and secure in what I had but there were these bouts of loneliness that I had.

This one night, we had all gone out clubbing. I didn’t drink since he didn’t like it but went out to be with friends anyways. We ended being out very late and since couldn’t go back to the hostel, went over to a senior’s place for a night over with everyone. She knew us and the boys very well and didn’t have a problem if we just wanted to crash.  So while everybody slept- T, M and I sat up late, talking. Rather, it was them talking and flirting while I was just there panicking on being left out alone since T was my best friend. I still remember the feeling, it was just so weird, that feeling of completely being left out.

They anyways ended up dating and I ended up being on my own, which wasn’t too bad actually- all thanks to S who turned out to be a brilliant friend.

Now when I think about it, it repulses me on what I was trying to do but I guess there are some feelings that just don’t ever leave you no matter embarrassed you are of them. They make you realise how shallow you can be and how insecure. And how you just want to leave a part of yourself behind and  forget that a weakness like that ever existed..

Monday, May 04, 2015

Nostalgia, fear and hurt- the unbeatable trio..

  • So there were no "miss you's" this time when everyone in the family met. No texts or phone calls saying that I should have been there or how the fun was halved without my presence. I guess I am beginning to fade into that ambiguity with even my family now and that hurts terribly
  • On that drive back I did think of him. We were talking about the old days in school, of friends and old times and there was this tangible urge to reinstate contact- friendships like such are hard to come by
  • The idea of having a kid scares and excites me at the same time. I would like to think that I am ready for it but every time I think of the strings that will tie me down with the responsibility, I freak out 
  • Am super scared of what life has for me in store, it is just so hazy at the moment
  • I've put on weight and its disgusting. So it's bald and fat currently- need I ask for more

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Just nonsense..

  • Life changes after getting married: like so many relationships, it gives you wings and yet clips you down
  •  Friends then, not so friends now.. Maybe a little more patience, attention and maturity would have found her in a better place or maybe it happens to everyone
  • Parents are the only people who stall their lives for you, while we race ahead
  • Getting nostalgic about home: Ma, Papa and that security I feel only with them. I refuse to grow up
  • A little more practicality, some more sense and a control over emotions: she’s never found herself lacking in so many aspects all at once
Just what will it take to feel more in her skin, accept who she is..

Friday, April 10, 2015

Angry things..

You say things,
He says things,
The threshold is crossed,
You almost want to quit, give up.. 

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Bloody, stupid insecurities..

It’s very strange- I have sort of a perfect life. I mean, one can be fussy about all that’s missing but once you compare it to what you have, it’s negligible. Still, yes “still”, I always fancy someone else's life. They are prettier, sizzling hot, more suave, more successful, brilliant orators, super intelligent, witty and funny, genuinely nice, dramatically lucky, excellent PR, stupidly ignorant, full of themselves- basically more in their skin.

And how I wish for a miracle..

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Something funny's happening..

She needs a sign, just to be sure..