Thursday, February 26, 2015

Fireworks..

It has been so many years and I think they’ve both moved on, they’ve achieved what they set out to in life. Being ambitious that they both were, no high will be too high but there is belief that they are content in their spaces, happy about the choices they made in the past and glad that destiny intervened when it did.

But I do get curious too- what if their paths cross again, if a conversation happens: will there still be fireworks..

Monday, February 16, 2015

Because saying goodbye is never easy..

I sometimes wonder how I can abandon this place for months- a place that has given me so so much that I can’t possibly put into words.

I remember finding my way here when I was heartbroken for the first time. Initially (and I hate to admit it), I began writing just to prove that it didn’t hurt, that I was too strong for a relationship to break me.  At that time, I wasn’t cynical enough and this place wasn’t personal enough so I posted the link on Orkut- not only could friends read it and testify for my bravery, but “he” could too and I knew that he would get sooo pissed off seeing that I was not that sobby girl who he’d left behind but someone who couldn’t care a damn. It was mission accomplished, or I’d like to believe so..

Slowly, I began writing more and weirdly enough people were reading me even though I’d removed my link from Orkut. I began sharing my fears of starting all over again (something I was going to do quite a few times in the years to come), of being around new people. When work got tough or I failed miserably in another relationship- this was my “go to” space, only this time the "boyfriends" weren't aware of here. Being that super private person I was, I wouldn’t write how I felt in as many words but indicated enough for me to vent out everything inside me. I never took names, never have, never will and that made it soo much easier. 

I also began reading so much on other spaces and they gave me strength, I’d made some nameless friends who just knew me and since there was no mandate to be nice/ be in touch all the time, I grew close to them through words only, it was just so simple. The intervention of Twitter made things change and a lot of people moved from here to there. Some things happened in my life too that made me stay away from here for long gaps- getting engaged and it not working out/ falling in love and not being reciprocated to name a few. So I usually visited this space in my bouts of melancholy, which were often too soon..

After a string of rubbish relationships, S happened and I stopped coming here as regularly as I did. He has become my “go to” person now- for everything! I know I will not be judged- just accepted, he gives me the same feeling that I get with my parents, of being loved unconditionally, of his having more confidence in me than I have on myself, laughing at my silliest of jokes, putting me to sleep, even telling me stories when I can’t; and I can obviously go on..

So the reason I am writing this is because it’s going to be a decade of here in July and when I go back to my earliest post, I didn’t have much to write about, to now when I am in a similar situation. I started because I was broken and now, after a decade when I think he fixed me I am tempted to say goodbye.

Let’s see..

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Being corny..

And then I fell in love like one falls asleep:
Slowly and then all of a sudden..

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Mercy..

I have been working for 10 years now and although it may not seem a lot but I’ve slogged all this while, tried doing complete justice to every facet, treated it like it’s my life. I have taken so much stress that I’ve lost hair and feel weird about how I look.

I have tried being fair and kept shut about things that have bothered me. Then why cannot I get that tiny bit of recognition that I so want. Why do I have to struggle for everything- money, respect, recognition, even acknowledgement. I might be doing something wrong and I have no idea what.

Mercy please..

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Signs and more..

It's my birthday- again! So let's forget all about that and write what I came here to..

I have been feeding birds for years now. Everyday after my pooja (prayers), I scatter a palmful of lentils and some rice on the balcony and wait for birds, mostly pigeons to rush to them. 

While I was in Delhi, for almost 7 years, these little guys had learnt the timings. They'd already be waiting for me when I went out and by the time I was leaving the city, some of them had even begun eating out of my hand. 

I have been in Bangalore for a year and a half now and like always, scattered the grains everyday- only to see them go waste, until lately. A few days back when I left out food for the birds, I saw a pigeon fly to it. While I waited behind the balcony door, I somehow could sense it's anxiety while pecking at these. I smiled to myself, somewhat with relief even. The next day there were more of these birds so I increased the quantity and now there are about 12 pigeons that greet me in the morning. 

I felt relived because I've associated home with them, it's like my soul has accepted the place and this is it's way of communicating this to me. It's amazing, the sort of peace I feel when I see them pecking at the food I leave out for them and the joy when I wake up S to watch that scene with me is incredible..

I guess I am finally content now, from the inside..

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

And it's come down to this..

So my little nephew refuses to study and my sister scolds him:

N: What will you become when you grow up if you don’t study!
S: I will become a politian..
N: ??
S: If Modi can become the prime minister being a tea boy, I can too..

It's great that he’s 4 years old and so aware, and also that Modi can aspire anyone to become whatever they want to, and it does sound pretty great.

But like really.. 

Friday, May 09, 2014

The shedding process..

I cannot deny the fact that I’ve been in love quite a few times. And it has never been the casual sort of love, on the contrary it’s been the intense kinds where I have mostly wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

I first fell in love when I was probably 17 years old. We were best friends in school and the irony is that we began dating only after we moved to different cities, meeting just once a year. Despite all that, it lasted 6 years and came very close to ending the way we wanted it to. That never happened and I was left with a lot of bitterness for a long time to come. I swore to myself, (the way we do when our hearts get broken for the first time), that I would never fall in love, never date, but mostly I learnt that I will never compromise what I wanted to be for anyone- and that was my first lesson in love.

The promise didn’t last long and before I knew it, I was dating again. Again in different cities, hardly meeting each other. Countries changed and breakups happened. This time however it was different, for once it was mutual so there were no tears as such, just a hollow feeling that you get when you revert to being single after years. Obviously I’d matured and things were easier- or so I thought.

The next one was sort of weird and am still not sure if I was seeing him. Stupid as it may sound, I actually didn’t know. I had been terribly attracted to this person for years but always thought that I was totally out of his league. Again different cities (which had become so my thing- I could compartmentalize my life, have my career, my own set of friends and not be answerable to anyone, rather bound by anything), but it was much more intense than anything I’d ever experienced. At one point I thought that I could never have a normal relationship after him, I’d become so used to not talking for months, or zero expectations that I had begun believing that’s probably how it worked. I had too much of pride and ego to even question what was happening. When this one ended, I thought my life would end and it didn’t. The wall I thought I’d built around myself came crashing down and I just went numb.

Not for long I must say! I began dating yet again and the similarity was so acute to the previous one that I thought that if I went through the trauma again, I might just collapse. So when S asked me out, I simply said yes. We were very good friends, he treated me like china, always took care of me and tolerated all my tantrums. I assumed that if he was soo good to me as a friend, he would definitely treat me well as his partner. I was starving for a normal relationship, where you could call the person anytime you wanted to, where you didn’t have to hide behind the wall and he gave me that and much more. The doubts I had about ever being in love again- without pride or ego and selflessly have long been shattered because that’s the kind of love I received and I simply had to reciprocate it.

The reason am writing the much hidden story of my life is because:
-        -  I have wanted to come out in the open for a very long time.
-        -  I couldn’t care less of what people think of me now

-          But mostly because whenever I've dated someone, I've never confessed of it in public. It's been like hiding it, and not telling about it to anyone. So when I read someone on insta of how she had fallen in love and couldn't care less what people thought of her, how she showed her excitement about meeting that person, it made me so happy.

 I realized that love is not a thing to hide.  When you give so much of yourself to a person, there is nothing to be ashamed of it. You were young, you made mistakes and you learnt or maybe didn’t but these will be with you for the rest of your life and mostly you’ll look back at them only with fondness- I do..