I read books and end up feeling that they are real people. How the characters are developed, make me think that I am a person that doesn’t feel half the things. But then when I think and I really think, I do realise my own nuances and traits. There’s one such incident from the past..
I was in NIFT then, probably my second year. I had begun dating A and since it was a long distance relationship, I ended up being on my own pretty much while all my friends were trying to woo their respective ones. And I didn’t mind at all- I was super sure and secure in what I had but there were these bouts of loneliness that I had.
This one night, we had all gone out clubbing. I didn’t drink since he didn’t like it but went out to be with friends anyways. We ended being out very late and since couldn’t go back to the hostel, went over to a senior’s place for a night over with everyone. She knew us and the boys very well and didn’t have a problem if we just wanted to crash. So while everybody slept- T, M and I sat up late, talking. Rather, it was them talking and flirting while I was just there panicking on being left out alone since T was my best friend. I still remember the feeling, it was just so weird, that feeling of completely being left out.
They anyways ended up dating and I ended up being on my own, which wasn’t too bad actually- all thanks to S who turned out to be a brilliant friend.
Now when I think about it, it repulses me on what I was trying to do but I guess there are some feelings that just don’t ever leave you no matter embarrassed you are of them. They make you realise how shallow you can be and how insecure. And how you just want to leave a part of yourself behind and forget that a weakness like that ever existed..