Saturday, October 31, 2015

My little pep talk..

I think I am great at what I do- making shoes. It's not only something I love, but it comes naturally to me and am confident about it. All the places that I've worked at, have witnessed an all over business growth, improved product and a sustainable business model.

And after all of it, I doubt myself, talk about myself in a derogatory manner and simply have no knack whatsoever to market my strengths. I also realise that the more I think that it is not happening because of me, the more it will impact my attitude and body language.

Henceforth, I will believe in myself, come out and say that the growth happened because of me and that if I can take the blame for a business not doing well, I better get credit for its exponential growth..

Wednesday, September 23, 2015


I no more know how to cope without him. And I never, ever thought that I will be in such a state.

 It’s been tough times for us lately with S’s job issues. So today, after a lot of drama and lack of opportunities here, he moved to Bombay. I stayed back and now I don’t know what to do with myself. He’s been the center of my world since we got married and his moving out made me realise somethings about myself:

-          -I have never been so dependent on anyone
-          -I no more need “space”
-          -I don’t know how to sleep in that big bed, all by myself
-          -I am cold throughout the night and need to use double blankets
-          -It seems all the laughter and joy has vanished from my life
-          -I can trade a lot with God, provided he comes back
-          -I’ve quit smoking, something I really loved to do
-          -I’ve realized that I write here only and only for myself

My entire schedule has gone hay wire:
-           -I woke up and snuggled in for a five minute nap, no more.
-           -While I took eons to get ready, he made the bed, watered the plants- I do it 
-          -He took ages to eat breakfast and I fought with him for getting late- it doesn’t 
             even matter anymore
-          -I HAD to text him once I reached office, he can’t do much about my safety now
-          -Fought him if he took the car- I have it all to myself and now I don’t know 
             what was the big deal
-          -We checked with each other after lunch, and I miss it now
-          -The evenings that were the best part of my life as I got to see him, are the 
-          -He’d wait for me with an open door when he heard the car being parked and 
             we raced home..

I don’t know now, I don’t..

Friday, September 04, 2015

Hoping against odds..

Most of the times, when I don't read the newspaper, when I am not at all aware of whats's happening around the world, my maternal instincts take over and I feel like I am ready to have a kid. More so for S's sake for I know what a wonderful dad he'll be and I just want to witness those moments where I am viewing both of them as an outsider.

Then I read these things on Syria, on the supposed recession coming in and it scares me. What if I can't give the same upbringing to my child that my parents did, what if I can't support it the way I would like to, or what if I am not maternal enough or responsible enough or too ambitious to think about anything but my career.

And then that tiny voice, the one that I always listen to, creeps in and says that it will all be perfect, that S will compensate for all that I lack, that he will overcome all my shortcomings like he's been doing all this while.

And then there's hope in the world and belief in my heart..

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

The past..

I know we read each other- infact sometimes I feel that's why we write at all, to let the other person know about ourselves. To sometimes say that how we are struggling with our lives in different manners, or how happy we are with the choices that we have made, or even say that at times we miss having old close friends around. We brag here or just be matter of fact.

I've even got ahead and bared my soul, stated the guys I've dated and how I've broken my heart a zillion times, something he's not have had to go through. I've had stories to tell and secrets to reveal. And the older I've grown, the easier it has become to do just that.

We've hated each others guts and I've hated how he replicates me (it pisses me off but yet it's sort of a sign that he's reading my space). And after all this while I wonder why we do that, when we've both moved and are happy and content with our own lives. Why this inquisitiveness still exists after all these years.

And I only get one answer- maybe we were just better off as friends..

Monday, August 31, 2015

Only him..

I often think about the "ifs" of my choices in life,
If I had more patience, if I'd given it a chance..

And then I think-
I wouldn't have had it any other way..
The best things in life have happened to me in haste, when I wasn't even thinking about them..
That chance would have been the dumbest thing I'd have done in my life..
He keeps so happy that I've made me re-think the concept of soulmates..

Wednesday, August 19, 2015


Can this nonsense please stop.
I've been craving for stability, to stick to a place and do well for myself but the ambiguity, be it personally or professionally comes in way.

Please let S get a proper spot here so that we never, ever have to move.
Just please..

Friday, June 19, 2015

Feelings that scare you..

I read books and end up feeling that they are real people. How the characters are developed, make me think that I am a person that doesn’t feel half the things. But then when I think and I really think, I do realise my own nuances and traits. There’s one such incident from the past..

I was in NIFT then, probably my second year. I had begun dating A and since it was a long distance relationship, I ended up being on my own pretty much while all my friends were trying to woo their respective ones.  And I didn’t mind at all- I was super sure and secure in what I had but there were these bouts of loneliness that I had.

This one night, we had all gone out clubbing. I didn’t drink since he didn’t like it but went out to be with friends anyways. We ended being out very late and since couldn’t go back to the hostel, went over to a senior’s place for a night over with everyone. She knew us and the boys very well and didn’t have a problem if we just wanted to crash.  So while everybody slept- T, M and I sat up late, talking. Rather, it was them talking and flirting while I was just there panicking on being left out alone since T was my best friend. I still remember the feeling, it was just so weird, that feeling of completely being left out.

They anyways ended up dating and I ended up being on my own, which wasn’t too bad actually- all thanks to S who turned out to be a brilliant friend.

Now when I think about it, it repulses me on what I was trying to do but I guess there are some feelings that just don’t ever leave you no matter embarrassed you are of them. They make you realise how shallow you can be and how insecure. And how you just want to leave a part of yourself behind and  forget that a weakness like that ever existed..