Signs of “growing up”..

This is not pessimism that is making me write below, just pure observation and thought..

- You don’t feel like going to the boisterous favourite club of yours; rather prefer a quiet place with a few close friends.
- Your circle of friends minimizes to a dot (well, mostly).
- There are tons of people online and none of them interests you to begin a chat with.
- Most of the holidays are spent going home rather than a vacation.
- The invites you receive are mostly from married people celebrating their anniversaries or their kid’s birthdays.
- You need a reason to laugh.
- You begin to understand the deal about solitary walks or alone time having coffee.
- When all younger people seem silly to you.
- When you want to dress up to feel young.
- The shop that begins to interest you more is Marks and Spencer’s instead of Punk.
- When you begin to turn around looking for the source of that loud laughter instead of minding your own business.
- You begin to feel less or no guilt about the things that would have killed you earlier.
- And when you begin to look back at school or college and get nostalgic about the days..

And since this happens to be the last post of the year, I couldn't be signing off without a BIG Happy New Year to everybody. May this year see all your wishes coming true- good, bad and the ugly ones too, till then..

In the name of equality..

I often read stuff on women equality and the likes and witness every other day how it is snatched/ hampered and how women are the only ones (usually) who make sacrifices.

I have been brought up in a family where women dominate the scene. My mother, though a housewife is one of the strongest lady I have come across and she has brought us in a very similar fashion, hugely contributing to my personality. We have been allowed to pursue the careers we have wanted, make our own decisions but never spoilt. My father told us early on never to expect any support from him where our education was concerned, no donations/ no recommendations. Also, because he was always travelling when we were young and limited means at our disposal, we had to do pretty much everything on our own. My mother did have to turn a deaf ear to the family when we went out to parties and had male friends but she was adamant to give us the maximum exposure possible and never feel threatened by the male specie. And because of the trust they invested in us, we have always known our boundaries and where to limit ourselves.

I happen to be extremely proud of the upbringing that I have had. We learnt to value things early on, from money to family ties and mostly getting our priorities in order. Now, I do live independently, I am single and my biggest fear is getting married to the wrong guy. I understand that “wrong” is relative, and people might call me demanding and choosy but a decision this big is something I am not willing to take because of sheer pressure. When I think of what I want in a person, I seriously don’t think I am over demanding. I just want a person who has a similar value system, in a family where women are giving their due respect and importance and their opinions considered while taking the larger decisions. A person who understands my ambitions and aspirations in life and acknowledges me as a person in my own right and lastly who respects my parents and family like he wants me to treat his. Unfortunately, with me comes a set of paradoxes and that gets tricky. I happen to have a traditionalist in me, who is ambitious but ultimately wants to be looked after, for whom family is of utmost importance and love and understanding form the focal point in life.

Now let’s see with all that I want, where I ultimately end up, rather begin at..

To have observed and felt..

Since past one week I have been commuting to work on cycle rickshaws and autos, if I am lucky. It is so cold that when the wind lashes on my face, I can feel water on my cheeks, my nose going red and the chill seeping despite all the warm clothing on me. It worsens when my feet get cold (I cannot wear socks ever, so no shoes too) and then a numbness penetrates and surprisingly it is a welcome feeling. Contradictory to it, all my senses get sharpened, especially my vision and hearing abilities and I begin to notice colours and sounds like never before.

Last evening, it was the peak of rush hour and while I sat on the rickshaw, I could hear people talking, a variety of horns beeping and vehicles screeching on the road. And strangely enough, there was a synchrony in this noise. There seemed to be a pattern, a sort of music you could hear without even concentrating. The orchestra was magical and it reminded me of the movie August Rush, horns..beep..horn horn.. abusive.. beep, horn, a cacophony of sounds, just awesome.

And how can I even begin to describe the sight. Yellow, green, silver, red and blues, all standing against the dark background of the black canvas that has gone misty. And the canvas had a spotlight too; the bright moon shone and made things vibrant yet mysterious, added an element of surprise merged with seductiveness of the night. It was breathtaking and for once I wished I could paint or take a picture that captured what I was witnessing right then.

I have always been a city person, preferring the noise, the dust and the traffic to calmness and serenity, the warmth of people you don’t even know to the isolation and cold of loneliness. It is often I have tried explaining my view point to people and have failed miserably. They don’t seem to understand what’s there not to like in peace and quiet, nature and beauty and I tell them that I can find all the peace I need inside my house, all the alone factor in the sanctuary of my room and it is this magical city that enthralls me..

P.S: Strangely enough, I have begun to write everything as a third person and then later have to change all the you’s to my’s.

Lines that have lasted..

They have stuck by me since I've read them. High time I posted these to save them forever.

“Nothing was in time. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholism, weight- lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Bach, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice.” Charles Bukowski, Women.

AND (with no relation whatsoever)

It’s true: Everyone needs a reason to stay alive- someone who justifies your existence. Someone who loves you. Not beyond all reason. Just loves you. Even just shows an interest. Even someone who does not exist, or isn’t yours. No, no! They don’t even have to love you! They just have to be there to love! Target for your arrows. Magnetic pole to drag on your compass needle and stop it spinning and tell you where you’re heading and ... Someone to soak up all the yearning. Geraldine McCaughrean, The White Darkness.

And their impact on me never alters..

Slow and steady, hopefully..

The self analysis mode is still on and I realised that I am a late bloomer. My reasons would be:

- I understand/ feel things much later than people around me have. And because of this I am perceived as slow,not something that I can contradict.
- I do love clothes and shoes and bags, the whole works. Despite of this, I keep using that bag till it gets beyond repair, wear one watch till it breaks down.
- Fashion. Though I would love to try the latest and new and am even aware of it, I wear that newness when it is in the crutches, swaggering finally before it dies a slow death.
- Even if I buy something new and upbeat, I stock it up in my wardrobe, get used to looking at it and think about how I can possibly pull it off before I wearing it to someplace. This is the reason I stick to classics and black.

Damn guts..

Emotional rollercoaster..

It is time that she withdrew, if only to keep the integrity intact.. And then she oscillates between the facts:
- if she has the strength
- knowing that she does
- if she is doing it to get that momentary attention, and being sure that it’s not worth it.
- or if it is not worth bothering and letting things be as they are.

So much drama, and all out of sheer boredom..

Inevitable..

I think after a while you start letting go. You begin to show the world what you are actually made up of instead of shying away from it like you have all your life. You begin to accept more of yourself and learn to live with it. And the best part is that it does not scare you. You reconcile with the fact that this is how you are and this is how the people will have to accept you, like it or not. Maybe you even get adamant to an extent of being so true that the urge of being liked as you are is overwhelming and you possibly couldn’t settle for anything less.

And I believe that happens because you are not scared of being hurt anymore, not worried about people judging you or bothering with what they think of you. You have already been injured so many times, looked down upon, bickered and bitched about that you have just stopped caring.

Although it sets you free but there’s a price to pay. You get cynical and cold and I guess that is what they mean by growing up..

Malnourished..

I feel affection deprived,
I feel like soaking all the love and being spoilt rotten..

That's how it is..

Its been a long long time since I have been out of the dating scene and honestly speaking,I don't miss it. I just don't want to "see" anybody anymore, play any mind games or after every argument think that it was the end of it. I don't want to restrict my happiness from one phone call to another or try behaving like I am expected to.

Now can I have something much more concrete please, rock solid and permanent and non-wavering. I want dependability and real romance and peace and having fun and arguments with equal ease. And then I want real conversations, and a hand on the small of my back when we are together. I want somebody to travel with and not grope for company everytime and I want to talk about books and keep talking insistently without the fear of being perceived as a moron.

I want all of this and some and if somebody thinks that I am aiming for the moon, I couldn't care less..

Just little things..

No matter how much you ignore, it’s a fact proven time and again.. It is always the same who makes sense, only the one who makes you happy from within. Life becomes nicer with a single conversation and you feel so good about yourself that people around notice the gleam in your eyes even the day after.

This is how it has been, for years.. And this is how it shall always remain, a fact that needs to be accepted but done nothing about..

Silly..

It has always been Calvin and Hobbes for me..

Innocence..

Right now I want to feel all thin and sexy and beautiful and happy.
I want to wear the brightest of colours in one T, so bright that it hurts the eye. All fuchsia’s and greens and blues and yellows, all in one.

Right now I want to team this up with that nice little denim skirt that brings out that T with bright forals and wear the pretty gold sandals that make me feel all young.
I want to wear no make-up and pretend I am my teenage self who cared about getting it all right but didn’t know how to.

Right now I want to feel stupid and immature again who did not judge people the moment she met them, who took people at their face value.
I want to go and have a crush on a guy for no reason or logic but only because he can make me laugh.

Right now I want to be the girl who envied others for being so calm, methodical and self assured while she was going all wild and crazy.
Right now, I want to wear brights again, right now I want to be young again..

The old timers..

Three friends meeting after a long time. We are standing on the balcony of the married friend’s place. The house is in an isolated area of the city, on the sixth floor and though you can see some lights, its mostly dark and quiet with only noises of silence.

S1 is looking out, back towards me with both hands spread out on the railing, S2 is sideways with one hand on the railing and me on the threshold of the balcony, legs crossed, head resting on the door. We don’t say anything for a while, and its not awkward. Then S1 says how scared he is of loneliness and how he feels college should never have ended. He lives in Bombay and calls people to his place all the time because he cannot bear to be alone. Goes on saying how he can never live in a quiet place like this.

S2 is the married one. His wife cooked for us and while we ate, she was serving hot rotis (she knows how good food deprived we are, always). Now she eats with her brother and has left us alone to be. S2 says that he chose this place because it reminds him of the Chennai house where S1, T ans him lived together.

I remember that place. We stayed over when we had assignments to complete and the boys couldn't stay over at the campus beyond a certain time. It was a dirty, stinky place with a banana tree outside. But mostly I remember it because every few weeks T would come complaining into the class saying that his Jockeys got stolen. One afternoon he was sleeping with his head on the table, a common scenario when we’d worked round the clock, I wrote his name on his underwear band. I later told him that I’d done it from preventing the thief to take them. He still holds a grudge against me for doing this and threatens me to avenge himself one day even now.

Anyhow, I remember us standing on S2’s balcony like it is a picture taken. The colours, postures everything so bright and vivid. And the silence, the peace and the need to not talk. It was magical.

Complimentary..

My latest purchase was a new laptop, finally.

After I had bought it, I just wasn't happy and I realised that it was just beacuse though I did get a fairly good deal, there was nothing "free" with it. I told the guy that feeling nahi aa rahi hai kuch naya kharidne ki, kuch toh free de do (I am not happy with my purchase just beacuse I haven't got anything free, atleast give me something with it), and he gave me a set of speakers which are pretty cool actually.

I guess the powers of persuasion/ begging and being a girl works well in most of the sitiuations..

Little acts of kindness..

I have been meaning to write this for a while now. Little and big things that strangers and friends did for me that left me all sweet and happy inside.

- Last Diwali I decided to take an evening train back to my home town. Since the roads are clogged during festivals, I decided to take the Metro to the station. I boarded it from its starting point but inspite of this, there was no place to sit. A boy was sitting across the place I stood. Two stations later, this guy offered me his seat since the compartment was beginning to get crowded. I refused saying that I’d be fine, I did not want to take advantage of being a girl when I scream equality. He insisted saying that I had no idea how uncomfortable it would get and made me take his place. When this guy was about to get off, he explained to me over and again at what station I needed to get off and genuinely sounded worried of my well being.
I wish I could bump into him sometime and thank him for his thoughtfulness.

- My car has developed a habit of getting punctured every few days. Sometime ago while getting out of work very late, I realized I had a flat tyre. I cannot change it myself so looked out for help and managed to find a driver. Not only did he help me but refused to take money even after insisting. It was not about the money here that made me happy but the unexpected surprise of somebody being so contrary to the behavior I usually expect.

- A few years ago when I was a little less arrogant and cynical, I had a fight with one of my closest friends. We had never really fought like that before and I was slightly mad at him. He sent me lucky bamboos at my workplace. The fact that he did not send me flowers and stuff (I get completely embarrassed by gestures like these at work) was so nice apart from the surprise that I got.

- My house had got painted and the painters had left the previous evening. I was dreading going back to my dirty apartment and organising that place after a late evening at work. As I reached and opened the door, I was so happy to see that everything was clean and arranged. Later I got to know that my maid had got her sister and they had spent hours getting things in order.

I am sure there would be many more if I begin recollecting but these form the top of my list.

Humour..

Being funny is so important to me..
I can get married to a funny man.

Secret effects..

My intuitions have been crazy strong these days,I just have to think that something might go wrong and it actually does.

Day before last, while driving to work I thought to myself that I hadn't had a punctured tyre for a while and in the evening, this is exactly what had happened.

The next thing was when last night I thought to myself how nice a buy my aircon was. I've had it for more than two years and it has never needed a repair. 3 o'clock at night it crashed.

I read The Secret (though I am no believer), some time ago and it said that the Universe transmitted your thoughts in form of events and you just have to believe. Though I can see the negative effect and still wait for the positive..

Vent..

I am worried. My work place is reducing it's stake in the footwear category and trying to get me into home products. And I hate it..

Inconsequential..

I just wanted to make a nonsensical list of a lot of stuff in my head, so here it goes:

- That torn picture I carried in my wallet for ages which wouldn’t make sense to anyone but me. I had it for years till my wallet got stolen.
- Delhi looks amazing at night from an airplane. The traffic looked liked lava flowing through streets, all brilliant and dazzling.
- Somebody can read you so well, it’s crazy.
- At times meaningless things can give you the most happiness.
- How you don’t think much of somebody and then you have that one conversation that shows how much a person has grown. And you realize it only because he did not call you when you requested him not to.
- Strangely enough, most of the times I put all my energy into something I can never have and yet it seems the most constructive thing I’ve done all day.
- The world moves such: with everybody having somebody on the hook.
- I’m not on Twitter. I think I will forget writing properly and let go of my blog, something that I don’t want to.
- Somebody told me that its books that find you and not the other way round, how apt.
- A quote I would like to save “It’s hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.”
- I want to go for a run so bad, just do some, any form of exercise to vent all the anger out.
- I now for real understand what nostalgia means, not just a good sounding word in the dictionary but much more than that. Looking back at school and then college, telling details to people who wouldn’t care less and wishing from your heart that you could get them back.
- It will all be alright eventually, a belief I cannot stop living by.
- I like consistency more than I am willing to accept.
- It’s been a while since I have been thinking about giving a face to this space, not a real picture but maybe just a shadow, an impression and for years I have not been able to find the right picture. Maybe I like it better like this, with no names, no faces, no identity.
- I don’t like clutter anywhere, be it home, my desk or my head. And that’s exactly how I feel right now, all cluttered.
- I don’t like bookmarking books, instead I read from 9-9. For example, read from 1-9 then 9-129, you get the drift.

Pretty much it..

Sister..

I had so much to write today and then my sister sends me this text: :"Was thinking of happy feelings and you were in most of them. Love you lots.". And then I forgot most of what I wanted to put down here and instead thought of all that she means to me.

Phase 1.
She is elder to me by six years but I am not sure it ever mattered. I will begin with the pictures we have together that somehow comprise of my earliest memories of her. Wherever we are together, she's holding me somehow, cuddling me, kissing me, holding my hand or my hair even, hand on the shoulder, the collar of my dress, just anything. And now when I see these pictures I realise how protective she has been of me, from so young to now.

Phase 2.
Then I remember her in her teens when constant fights were our daily ritual. We would argue, fight with hands and all and then her constant mood swings that I couldn't stand. She would study at night, with the television on and couldn't care less if I was sleeping or not. the room remained at its messiest best and I had to clean it every time when I had to study or sleep as I have always seemed to have had a cleaning disorder.
We also shared the same school and in case my rickshaw didn't turn up (we used to go in separate, she with her friends and me with mine), she would leave me to go on my own that included changing the shared tempos twice followed by a cycle rickshaw. Now I realise that it was my first lesson in independence and again like so many things, it came from her.

Phase 3.
After that I grew up and reached my teens. I was always a thin person, contrary to her. And because I was growing up and into sports, our mother never stopped me from eating anything,again contrary to her. On one hand while I was eating a bowl of chips and a whole slab of chocolate everyday, she was made to eat boiled food. Again fights happened and now I don't blame her.
Then she began going to parties and now I don't know why, she took me everywhere with her. The things that she was not allowed at her age, became acceptable at mine because she had already had my share of grievances and fights with our parents. We went out for parties, her friends became mine and mine hers. And when we came back late, she stood there to face the repercussion of coming after curfew hours.

Phase 4.
I got through NIFT and that's where my sister changed my life. She wanted to do this but while she was young, my father opposed to her studying outside the city. She did not let this happen to me. Very subtly, she and my mother persuaded my dad to let me go. And then I became what I am today.

So after all this, I just want to tell her that no matter how we fight still and have our own issues in our busy lives, she is part of all of my happy memories yesterday, now and even my future because if it had not been for her, I wouldn't be what I am today.

Ticktock..

Just realised that it has been six years of writing here,
Not too bad I would say..
Especially for a person like me,
Who likes to wither away..

State..

I don't want to write a negative post but I cannot think of anything positive and yet I can't help writing just for the heck of it..

Love..

So my two and a half year old nephew and I are lazing on the couch and talking and he tells me: "Mausi ki eyes mein Shauryaman Jain (his name)dikh raha hai," with an intensity only a kid as old can muster.

Probably the most romantic words somebody has said to me.

Space..

Once, a long time ago, my cousin commented this on one of my posts and now after all this while it makes the most sense to me.

"What goes round, comes round.So many times we limit our happiness by giving it a certain definition.Then we wait for it to prove true. Some lives are perfect circles, and others oblong shapes.It might not make sense to you but know that every unexplained curve in it is a perfect fit for another oblong piece lying there somewhere.You just need to stick out till you finish the puzzle."

Probably the nicest piece of advise somebody gave me.

And so I wait to find my perfect unexplained curve..

Spotless..

I know it has never been easy and never will be. Hopefully this one leaves me a little more humble, some more patient and lots more forgiving.

The last one hopefully, to get my slate clean..

Blessed..

I have been living on my own(as in alone) for close to three years now. My parents have been more than supportive of every decision taken, all the choices made. I need not write this but I love them so much that they are the only people, just thinking of whom can get me teary eyed and emotional. And I don’t get all worked up because I am a brilliant daughter, rather the contrary. I love independence, get selfish to the core at times, have more mood swings than a 16 year old and go to lengths to get my parents agree to what I want.

So basically, they have the most impossible deal on their hands, a girl who’s independent, moody and stubborn and yet they love me like they do. They hear my mildly upset voice over the phone and cannot sleep at night. God forbid if I hurt myself, or not well, one or both of them fly down, cancelling all their plans, pausing their own lives. They flex the general rules of the family to accommodate me since they understand what I would be comfortable in and what not, an example of which is that I wear tiny skirts in my hometown and what nots, I can go out late with friends the only condition being I must have a driver or one of them needs to pick me up. When my mother calls me in the evening, she sounds disappointed when she finds me at home and not out with friends or if I come back early I am questioned. I can always tell my parents whom I am with and where I am going to, be it movies or clubbing. The list is endless.

I don’t know why I am writing this, why I haven’t in all these years I have been at this space but something today makes my put how strong I feel about my parents here. How I keep realizing time and again how my sisters and I happen to be the focal point of their lives and me not being married yet happens to be the most pampered one.

I think I just cannot count my blessings enough..

Prayer..

I think everybody has different means to reach God and this space seems mine.
So I just bow and pray and hope that it will happen..

Sweet..

This Saturday as usual I was helping my maid clean the house. It is a weekend ritual where I get everything removed and all the nooks and corners are taken care off. This lady has been working at my place for years now and I trust her with a lot. Every Saturday she tells me about her family, the other places she works at and the people there, not in terms of gossip (I barely know anyone) but generally.

That day she was telling me how she had begun working at these apartments and the lady there wanted to hire her for her neighbour. Since the timings clashed with my place, she refused saying that she had been working at mine for years now and does not want to quit. She also told me that it had been her dream to work at one of these high rises, the reason being that she loves taking the elevator. She always wanted to and now she gets to take once twice a day, this with so much pride in her voice.

It was one of the sweetest things I heard someone say. I realised how innocent ambitions can be and how simple and somehow it gave me a different perspective to life.

View..

It is being told a million times, in mulitiple different ways, different contexts.
It is my biggest fear coming true and there is just one thing that can save the sitiuation and I so wish for it to happen, maybe even for all the wrong reasons, maybe right.
I guess I am selfish and disgusting and mean and I can't help but be like that..

Vision..

I read it on some one else's space and totally fell for it. Too worthy a phrase to lose it somewhere so I put this here:

"...All life is just a progression toward, and then a recession from, one phrase- 'I love you.'"

-The Offshore Pirate, F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Synonyms..

Volatile:
Unstable/ Unpredictable/ Explosive/ Hot-blooded/ Impulsive/ Fickle/ Capricious/ Hot-tempered

Capricious:
Changeable/ Whimsical/ Variable/ Unreliable/ Fickle/ Erratic

Fickle:
Indecisive/ Inconsistent/ Vacillating/ Picky

Vacillating:
Irresolute/ Of two minds/ Hesitant/ Dithering/ Wavering

Irresolute:
Undetermined/ Wishy-washy/ Cowardly

Wishy-washy:
Weak/ Spineless/ Spiritless/ Ineffectual/ Pathetic

Ineffectual:
Incompetent/ Unimpressive/ Unsuccessful/ Useless/ Hopeless/ Inadequate

Inadequate:
Insufficient/ Not enough/ Scarce/ Too little/ Derisory/ Laughable/ Poor

Derisory:
Pitiful/ Insulting/ Ridiculous/ Contemptible/ Mean

Ridiculous:
Ludicrous/ Preposterous/ Absurd/ Silly/ Unreasonable

Preposterous
Outlandish

Above was just a game I was playing to break the monotony of work and it made me realise what fun words can be and you never end from the point you start from (be it any sphere of life).

Volatile..

It's like a burden lifted and I do feel the vacuum but I am so so relieved.
Please please let it last..

Valentines..

The single most important man in my life wished me valentines and made my day: my Dad.

Stuck..

After this one, another life changer with the same friend and once again in a Chinese restaurant.

@#%$&: It is inevitable Sam. Sooner or later you will have to take a decision , make a choice and get into something permanent. The later you do, the lesser chances you might have to adapt to the situation easily.
Life is difficult. We will all have problems, it never will be perfect. But it is upto you to choose the happiness you prefer: financial, personal or professional. Would you rather have less money, a bad day a work but come back to a happy home.

Me: I know what you mean and I know the choice is an obvious one.
To myself: Leap of faith, that is all I will have to take.

Like the last one, this too has stuck by me and I am grateful that we had this conversation.

Surprise..

I finally got one, after more than two years of contemplating: I am talking about a tattoo.

I realised how fickle I can be whilst getting one, the artist had just done the outline and I screamed that I wanted it off and I absolutely hated it. He stopped right then and just stared at me while I calmed down and got my nerves back. Now I understand that it was not the tattoo that I hated but the whole idea of permanency. And the reason why I chose to go for one was to get something, anything permanent.

I have always run away from situations that call for commitment of any sort.
- When I make plans with friends, I always have a backup to get out of them.
- On my work side I know I can quit anytime and go back home.
- Hair cut: they grow again
- Any purchase: I can return or buy another one.
- Relationships (minus family): I don’t get into one and then I know that though it may hurt but I can chose to back off.

Considering above, this decision to get something as permanent on myself was a very big deal and I don’t regret it a bit. Hopefully, other similar life altering decisions will give me the same feeling. Ta..

And a very happy new year to all.