Existence..

I no more know how to cope without him. And I never, ever thought that I will be in such a state.

 It’s been tough times for us lately with S’s job issues. So today, after a lot of drama and lack of opportunities here, he moved to Bombay. I stayed back and now I don’t know what to do with myself. He’s been the center of my world since we got married and his moving out made me realise somethings about myself:

-          -I have never been so dependent on anyone

-          -I no more need “space”

-          -I don’t know how to sleep in that big bed, all by myself

-          -I am cold throughout the night and need to use double blankets

-          -It seems all the laughter and joy has vanished from my life

-          -I can trade a lot with God, provided he comes back

-          -I’ve quit smoking, something I really loved to do

-          -I’ve realized that I write here only and only for myself

My entire schedule has gone hay wire:

-           -I woke up and snuggled in for a five minute nap, no more.

-           -While I took eons to get ready, he made the bed, watered the plants- I do it 

              now

-          -He took ages to eat breakfast and I fought with him for getting late- it doesn’t 

             even matter anymore

-          -I HAD to text him once I reached office, he can’t do much about my safety now

-          -Fought him if he took the car- I have it all to myself and now I don’t know 

             what was the big deal

-          -We checked with each other after lunch, and I miss it now

-          -The evenings that were the best part of my life as I got to see him, are the 

             scariest

-          -He’d wait for me with an open door when he heard the car being parked and 

             we raced home..

I don’t know now, I don’t..

Hoping against odds..

Most of the times, when I don't read the newspaper, when I am not at all aware of whats's happening around the world, my maternal instincts take over and I feel like I am ready to have a kid. More so for S's sake for I know what a wonderful dad he'll be and I just want to witness those moments where I am viewing both of them as an outsider.

Then I read these things on Syria, on the supposed recession coming in and it scares me. What if I can't give the same upbringing to my child that my parents did, what if I can't support it the way I would like to, or what if I am not maternal enough or responsible enough or too ambitious to think about anything but my career.

And then that tiny voice, the one that I always listen to, creeps in and says that it will all be perfect, that S will compensate for all that I lack, that he will overcome all my shortcomings like he's been doing all this while.

And then there's hope in the world and belief in my heart..

The past..

I know we read each other- infact sometimes I feel that's why we write at all, to let the other person know about ourselves. To sometimes say that how we are struggling with our lives in different manners, or how happy we are with the choices that we have made, or even say that at times we miss having old close friends around. We brag here or just be matter of fact.

I've even got ahead and bared my soul, stated the guys I've dated and how I've broken my heart a zillion times, something he's not have had to go through. I've had stories to tell and secrets to reveal. And the older I've grown, the easier it has become to do just that.

We've hated each others guts and I've hated how he replicates me (it pisses me off but yet it's sort of a sign that he's reading my space). And after all this while I wonder why we do that, when we've both moved and are happy and content with our own lives. Why this inquisitiveness still exists after all these years.

And I only get one answer- maybe we were just better off as friends..