Loss of direction..

The happy feeling has dissipated and instead is replaced by this ominous, scary bobbing of my heart.

And I wonder again where I am headed..

Opening up and trying..

At work today while trying to meet a deadline, I almost lost my temper at somebody but decided to keep quiet. I just nodded, shrugged my shoulders and left the place. This is not my usual style of responding to situations that upset me; I am extremely impulsive and react to things the very moment. Not saying that that I am very efficient, but I am organized and I do not look for shortcuts to resolve problems and that’s a trait that bugs me about people, especially in my line of work where you are heading for a disaster if you are not planned.

Anyways, the point I am trying to make here is that I feel myself changed after being here for two years. I have learnt to control my temper (the hardest way possible) and to keep my mouth shut in most of the situations and I feel good about it now. I can be arguing with a person on email and would be joking with the same when I come across him/ her right then. I’ve understood not to take things personally and appreciate that work is just that. I have become calmer and less restless.

And another thing has changed. Earlier, I was reluctant to do anything apart from footwear, I felt that it was my calling and I wouldn’t be as good at anything. Then with the footwear market diminishing due to the removal of anti dumping duties in China, I was practically forced to get into home products and I opposed fiercely. I would shrug off things to do in that category but constant push made me give in and I began doing it. Beginning from making a total fool of myself before suppliers and buyers alike, to telling them beforehand that I didn’t know anything to finally grasping the product and now even working out costing, I’ve come a long way.

It has made me realize that I can virtually do anything if I make up my mind and the moment I begin to understand it, I start loving it. In fact, now this attitude applies to a lot of spheres in life. It is mostly a question of knowing something and before long you’ll begin to like it because nothing can be bad without any good into it. It has given me so much confidence in myself, the belief that I will definately have a career path later in life because it wouldn’t matter what I am doing, and eventually I will learn and love it.

I feel free now and less scared of what future holds..

All in little time..

I seriously can't afford to take this kind of time out of work right now but the urge is too huge to ignore, so here I go.

I am feeling weird right now. I mean it's kind of sadist of me to feel happy about (what I am assuming)how it ended. I may even call it sickening but I just do not feel any guilt. It's difficult to explain but I'll try. I know what I am feeling is horrible, pathetic and disgusting and I am trying to feel bad about it, only because I am supposed to. In reality, I feel smug, even arrogant and strangely satisfied. On the hindsight, the very same,or even worst can happen to me. It's so confusing to oscillate between feeling happy/guilty and scared, all at once.

Another thing that I need to vent out: why can't people from my past just let my family and me be. They should just ignore that we exist and if somebody asks of us, simply say that they do not know us; I am sure my family would do the same. I think all relationships have a certain amount or sanctity and by talking ill of them, you just destroy even the nicer bits.

That's all I got time for today..

Starting on a happy note..

Lately I’ve been writing a lot and that too not in my usual two liner style but with a lot of explanations and content (maybe not) and that’s how it will be for a while (again, maybe not).

The good news is that the last day last year was maybe one of the nicest I had. It was simple, I felt loved and cared for and that was all I could have asked. The trip was brilliant and I came back with little moments that I would hold close. After last year’s fiasco, I have a strange feeling that God is trying to make up for all the hard times that he has shown me (or is it just my arrogance). I also realize that time can heal so much and how I’ve always underestimated it. I feel very positive about the coming year on the personal front and I am at my securest and best behavior when I feel loved.

The end of the year saw me connecting with a lot of old friends. We did catch up once in a while but the heart to heart we had in our last meeting/ chat brought us closer. It was as if that bond which was not strong ever suddenly had some sort of tensile strength. I was also surprised to know that while I thought that the whole world was against me and all my friends gossiping about me, the fact was that they were concerned but never knew how to show. I had cocooned myself for a while now and it’s nice to come out and breathe.

On the negative side, I NEED to change my place of work. I’ve been told by a friend that getting good people/ good pay and good work is a myth and they can never happen simultaneously but things are at an odd now. While I just love my work, and the people might not be that bad either but I can see no growth at all. No matter how long hours I put in, the credit goes to somebody else and not getting acknowledged of what you’ve done is something I detest. Also, the pay isn’t that great when I compare it to the market standards and though it’s something I can ignore but this feeling of claustrophobia of not being able to speak for what’s rightfully mine is overwhelming. I am oscillating between sticking to this place where I’ve found a sort of comfort zone to risking it all for some newness and maybe more money.

I just cannot shirk of this sense of feeling happy about this year, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like that and I just pray to God to please please let it stay..