Friday, May 09, 2014

The shedding process..

I cannot deny the fact that I’ve been in love quite a few times. And it has never been the casual sort of love, on the contrary it’s been the intense kinds where I have mostly wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

I first fell in love when I was probably 17 years old. We were best friends in school and the irony is that we began dating only after we moved to different cities, meeting just once a year. Despite all that, it lasted 6 years and came very close to ending the way we wanted it to. That never happened and I was left with a lot of bitterness for a long time to come. I swore to myself, (the way we do when our hearts get broken for the first time), that I would never fall in love, never date, but mostly I learnt that I will never compromise what I wanted to be for anyone- and that was my first lesson in love.

The promise didn’t last long and before I knew it, I was dating again. Again in different cities, hardly meeting each other. Countries changed and breakups happened. This time however it was different, for once it was mutual so there were no tears as such, just a hollow feeling that you get when you revert to being single after years. Obviously I’d matured and things were easier- or so I thought.

The next one was sort of weird and am still not sure if I was seeing him. Stupid as it may sound, I actually didn’t know. I had been terribly attracted to this person for years but always thought that I was totally out of his league. Again different cities (which had become so my thing- I could compartmentalize my life, have my career, my own set of friends and not be answerable to anyone, rather bound by anything), but it was much more intense than anything I’d ever experienced. At one point I thought that I could never have a normal relationship after him, I’d become so used to not talking for months, or zero expectations that I had begun believing that’s probably how it worked. I had too much of pride and ego to even question what was happening. When this one ended, I thought my life would end and it didn’t. The wall I thought I’d built around myself came crashing down and I just went numb.

Not for long I must say! I began dating yet again and the similarity was so acute to the previous one that I thought that if I went through the trauma again, I might just collapse. So when S asked me out, I simply said yes. We were very good friends, he treated me like china, always took care of me and tolerated all my tantrums. I assumed that if he was soo good to me as a friend, he would definitely treat me well as his partner. I was starving for a normal relationship, where you could call the person anytime you wanted to, where you didn’t have to hide behind the wall and he gave me that and much more. The doubts I had about ever being in love again- without pride or ego and selflessly have long been shattered because that’s the kind of love I received and I simply had to reciprocate it.

The reason am writing the much hidden story of my life is because:
-        -  I have wanted to come out in the open for a very long time.
-        -  I couldn’t care less of what people think of me now

-          But mostly because whenever I've dated someone, I've never confessed of it in public. It's been like hiding it, and not telling about it to anyone. So when I read someone on insta of how she had fallen in love and couldn't care less what people thought of her, how she showed her excitement about meeting that person, it made me so happy.

 I realized that love is not a thing to hide.  When you give so much of yourself to a person, there is nothing to be ashamed of it. You were young, you made mistakes and you learnt or maybe didn’t but these will be with you for the rest of your life and mostly you’ll look back at them only with fondness- I do..


mêlée said...

I want to write a response to what you have written, but I do not know what to write. Mostly I mean to say is I am amazed at the similarity of what we have gone through, and more imp. similar ways in which we think. I never hid it and paid the price as well. But it was all such long time ago, it feels like a different life altogether! You know I have been thinking of writing on the blog, but then there is some sort of inertia that always pulls me back. Now reading you, I am kind of reconsidering.
Those life experiences you went through actually made you the person you are right now, so yes those were precious parts of your life. Not everything ends in the way we would like or wish to, but that is why we have more to feel and more to express.

Sam said...

Melee, Its somehow so re-assuring to read your comment, and I can't explain why. Maybe because I've always connected to your posts and admired that person behind them, and its nice to find similarity between people you like..
My suggestion is, put your thoughts down and if you still feel like it, you can publish it. For me, it was extremely liberating to coming out with it, I felt exhilarated somehow. Give it a try..