And it comes again..

You find yourself at the strangest of places at times, a place where you have everything you want and are still struggling with acceptance; when after all these years of working, you feel like you are beginning from the scratch again, when you feel small and incapable but still can't give up without a fight..

And then you revisit old places for solace, for comfort and familiarity, hoping that there are those few still around with the kindest words of advise and affection..

I miss it here..

I think I have simply lost my ability to write. Though I miss this space soo much, words just cease to flow out of me like they did.

Maybe it is because I have nothing to say as such, its a dull, but content life I lead nowadays. Being married puts an end to my "boy" problems or ego issues. I do see glimpses of my past life, the one that I thought was dull but it mostly had something going on, and it seems like all of it happened to someone else. I don't understand now what the fuss was all about and had I known being married would be like this, I'd have done it sooner!!

Having said that, it doesn't mean I don't have my share of qualms. Earlier, it was cribbing about work, and now its cribbing about having none!! Yes, I am unemployed- finding a job in this new place has been very daunting and I worry that I will get too laid back or rust if I don't begin doing something soon enough. Honestly, I would have lost it had it not been for him, he just keeps my wits intact.

So that's all I got to say about my mundane life, to whom I don't even know but its relieving to take that out here, as if I am conversing with a friend after ages.

Miss being here..

As it was to be..

And so I fell in love with this kind, funny man..

Aspirations and more..

"Life is like riding a bicycle,
You must keep moving in order to keep you balance." Einstein.

I've been hooked to Instagram lately and the more I see pictures of the younger and cooler ones, the more I realise what all I could have done, all the I could have achieved. I repent the opportunities missed, I wanted to grow up quickly and begin working. I was fascinated by the idea of earning my own money, getting the freedom that comes with it and though that was sweet, I want to do so much more now.

I don't regret much that I did in life but I do repent making more mistakes, taking more risks. Growing up has taught me a lesson, to be more impulsive, to follow my heart. I should have travelled more, worked harder and aspired to be bigger, been more frivolous and flamboyant . I've learnt that life will end up being what it has to be and you end up remembering only the nicer parts, past is forgotten easily and life should be lived and not just withered away.

Maybe this is what they say wisdom is, maybe that's what they call experience but the fact remains that I'll never be young again.

Maybe that's the ultimate lesson that we all learn as we travel in this so called journey called life..

A facade..

On the Internet (minus this space), I can be anything. I can be flambouyant, flirtatious, colourful and crazy. I can hide my miseries and drown my insecurities and pretend of a perfect little world. I can be witty and friendly and always happy. I can create an illusion of fun, and hide my selfishness, pretend to be spiritual and not matirialistic when in reality ambition drives me crazy.

It's such a respite..

An early bird..

At times the vastness of life scares me, scares me more than anything in the world. And at times like these I wonder how lovely it would be to die young, even poetic.. It worries me if I would be able to justify my existence in this world, fulfill my own expectations I have of myself. The worst is that people don't expect much of me so I cannot even rebel against anyone.

And I don't write this because I am depressed about anything, just that I've always fancied dieing young.

Only if we could choose..

As it will always be love..

My latest lessons from  the book The Ingredients of Love, (of what I've read of it until now):

"If you consider it closely, we all have our complications, sensitive spots, and quirks. There are things we do or things we would never do- or only in very special circumstances. Things that make other people laugh and shake their heads in wonder.
Peculiar things that are ours and ours alone."
 
"Bernadette was right, this wasn't about Claude at all, but about something that ultimately always touches our souls: the love for someone we all long for, to whom we reach out our hands our whole life long, to touch them and hold them."
 
"And it was senseless to expect fairness in matters of the hearts.
Love was what it was. No more and no less."

And so I just fell in love with these lines..

 

A wish..

Realisation between what you like and what you assume to like has sunk in rather quickly. I always fancied a life where I virtually lived out of the suitcase, stayed in fancy hotels and traveled and met new people. In fact, I was envious of a friend who had a life like that, with no roots, nothing to pull her back. I envisioned a fun life, full of discovery and wonder.

Well, as they say, you need to be careful what you wish for. That is the kind of life I am living now. I stay in this hotel while I post this, the breakfast is served in the room and I can laze, read, daydream and think as much as I want. On the contrary, I have that option of sitting in the multitude little cafes that are lined up across the street or go shopping. But all I crave for now is to have some stability. I crave for a house that I can do my way, buy furniture, make it beautiful. A sister of mine once told me- we are people who like to be rooted and though I did not understand her context then, I do now. I like to come back to a home not not a hotel room, I like the familiarity of having my friends around me, to know what I need to wear when I am meeting people (no matter how shallow that may sound) and not ask his advise every time.

But mostly, I miss Delhi. I never realised how attached I was to that place. It is said to be unsafe, have the most uncultured people around along with some other insinuations. However, I was used to the brashness there, I was used to getting dressed if I was going for dinner, wearing heels and make up. I always thought that casual was more me, that I did care about what I wear but in the "I don't give a damn" sorta way, I miss my friends, I miss knowing my way around that city but mostly I miss my independence I had there.

Soon, I'll go back.. Just maybe..

A first of many..

It's been the longest ever and not without a reason. I am finally married now, moved cities and live in total ambiguity like never before. As my husband (there is a funny click to it on my tongue) sleeps next to me in total bliss, I manage to get the time and the inclination to post.

It has been a serious roller coaster ride, one that doesn't seem to end any sooner. I have doubted my decision a million times, prayed to God like never before to lead me, seen signs which am not sure were there or not, but finally made it. And am so glad I did!! In him not only I find my friend, but a kind and honest man who respects me and cares about me in an almost parental way. He trusts me, guides me and helps me, he wipes my tears and still fights with equal ease. He loves my parents and my family, and teaches me how to love his. I can go on about him, this crazy, funny man I've married but most importantly, he lets me be.

I guess my love story has finally begun..