Existence..

I no more know how to cope without him. And I never, ever thought that I will be in such a state.

 It’s been tough times for us lately with S’s job issues. So today, after a lot of drama and lack of opportunities here, he moved to Bombay. I stayed back and now I don’t know what to do with myself. He’s been the center of my world since we got married and his moving out made me realise somethings about myself:

-          -I have never been so dependent on anyone

-          -I no more need “space”

-          -I don’t know how to sleep in that big bed, all by myself

-          -I am cold throughout the night and need to use double blankets

-          -It seems all the laughter and joy has vanished from my life

-          -I can trade a lot with God, provided he comes back

-          -I’ve quit smoking, something I really loved to do

-          -I’ve realized that I write here only and only for myself

My entire schedule has gone hay wire:

-           -I woke up and snuggled in for a five minute nap, no more.

-           -While I took eons to get ready, he made the bed, watered the plants- I do it 

              now

-          -He took ages to eat breakfast and I fought with him for getting late- it doesn’t 

             even matter anymore

-          -I HAD to text him once I reached office, he can’t do much about my safety now

-          -Fought him if he took the car- I have it all to myself and now I don’t know 

             what was the big deal

-          -We checked with each other after lunch, and I miss it now

-          -The evenings that were the best part of my life as I got to see him, are the 

             scariest

-          -He’d wait for me with an open door when he heard the car being parked and 

             we raced home..

I don’t know now, I don’t..

Hoping against odds..

Most of the times, when I don't read the newspaper, when I am not at all aware of whats's happening around the world, my maternal instincts take over and I feel like I am ready to have a kid. More so for S's sake for I know what a wonderful dad he'll be and I just want to witness those moments where I am viewing both of them as an outsider.

Then I read these things on Syria, on the supposed recession coming in and it scares me. What if I can't give the same upbringing to my child that my parents did, what if I can't support it the way I would like to, or what if I am not maternal enough or responsible enough or too ambitious to think about anything but my career.

And then that tiny voice, the one that I always listen to, creeps in and says that it will all be perfect, that S will compensate for all that I lack, that he will overcome all my shortcomings like he's been doing all this while.

And then there's hope in the world and belief in my heart..

The past..

I know we read each other- infact sometimes I feel that's why we write at all, to let the other person know about ourselves. To sometimes say that how we are struggling with our lives in different manners, or how happy we are with the choices that we have made, or even say that at times we miss having old close friends around. We brag here or just be matter of fact.

I've even got ahead and bared my soul, stated the guys I've dated and how I've broken my heart a zillion times, something he's not have had to go through. I've had stories to tell and secrets to reveal. And the older I've grown, the easier it has become to do just that.

We've hated each others guts and I've hated how he replicates me (it pisses me off but yet it's sort of a sign that he's reading my space). And after all this while I wonder why we do that, when we've both moved and are happy and content with our own lives. Why this inquisitiveness still exists after all these years.

And I only get one answer- maybe we were just better off as friends..

Only him..

I often think about the "ifs" of my choices in life,

If I had more patience, if I'd given it a chance..

And then I think-

I wouldn't have had it any other way..

The best things in life have happened to me in haste, when I wasn't even thinking about them..

That chance would have been the dumbest thing I'd have done in my life..

He keeps so happy that I've made me re-think the concept of soulmates..

Stop..

Can this nonsense please stop.
I've been craving for stability, to stick to a place and do well for myself but the ambiguity, be it personally or professionally comes in way.

Please let S get a proper spot here so that we never, ever have to move.
Just please..

Feelings that scare you..

I read books and end up feeling that they are real people. How the characters are developed, make me think that I am a person that doesn’t feel half the things. But then when I think and I really think, I do realise my own nuances and traits. There’s one such incident from the past..

I was in NIFT then, probably my second year. I had begun dating A and since it was a long distance relationship, I ended up being on my own pretty much while all my friends were trying to woo their respective ones.  And I didn’t mind at all- I was super sure and secure in what I had but there were these bouts of loneliness that I had.

This one night, we had all gone out clubbing. I didn’t drink since he didn’t like it but went out to be with friends anyways. We ended being out very late and since couldn’t go back to the hostel, went over to a senior’s place for a night over with everyone. She knew us and the boys very well and didn’t have a problem if we just wanted to crash.  So while everybody slept- T, M and I sat up late, talking. Rather, it was them talking and flirting while I was just there panicking on being left out alone since T was my best friend. I still remember the feeling, it was just so weird, that feeling of completely being left out.

They anyways ended up dating and I ended up being on my own, which wasn’t too bad actually- all thanks to S who turned out to be a brilliant friend.

Now when I think about it, it repulses me on what I was trying to do but I guess there are some feelings that just don’t ever leave you no matter embarrassed you are of them. They make you realise how shallow you can be and how insecure. And how you just want to leave a part of yourself behind and  forget that a weakness like that ever existed..

Nostalgia, fear and hurt- the unbeatable trio..

• So there were no "miss you's" this time when everyone in the family met. No texts or phone calls saying that I should have been there or how the fun was halved without my presence. I guess I am beginning to fade into that ambiguity with even my family now and that hurts terribly
• On that drive back I did think of him. We were talking about the old days in school, of friends and old times and there was this tangible urge to reinstate contact- friendships like such are hard to come by
• The idea of having a kid scares and excites me at the same time. I would like to think that I am ready for it but every time I think of the strings that will tie me down with the responsibility, I freak out 
• Am super scared of what life has for me in store, it is just so hazy at the moment
• I've put on weight and its disgusting. So it's bald and fat currently- need I ask for more

Just nonsense..

• Life changes after getting married: like so many relationships, it gives you wings and yet clips you down
•  Friends then, not so friends now.. Maybe a little more patience, attention and maturity would have found her in a better place or maybe it happens to everyone
• Parents are the only people who stall their lives for you, while we race ahead
• Getting nostalgic about home: Ma, Papa and that security I feel only with them. I refuse to grow up
• A little more practicality, some more sense and a control over emotions: she’s never found herself lacking in so many aspects all at once

Just what will it take to feel more in her skin, accept who she is..

Angry things..

You say things,
He says things,
The threshold is crossed,
You almost want to quit, give up.. 

Bloody, stupid insecurities..

It’s very strange- I have sort of a perfect life. I mean, one can be fussy about all that’s missing but once you compare it to what you have, it’s negligible. Still, yes “still”, I always fancy someone else's life. They are prettier, sizzling hot, more suave, more successful, brilliant orators, super intelligent, witty and funny, genuinely nice, dramatically lucky, excellent PR, stupidly ignorant, full of themselves- basically more in their skin.

And how I wish for a miracle..

Something funny's happening..

She needs a sign, just to be sure..

There's no letting go..

In the midst of everything vanishing, fading, losing essence,
the name stuck- "Sam"..

Fireworks..

It has been so many years and I think they’ve both moved on, they’ve achieved what they set out to in life. Being ambitious that they both were, no high will be too high but there is belief that they are content in their spaces, happy about the choices they made in the past and glad that destiny intervened when it did.

But I do get curious too- what if their paths cross again, if a conversation happens: will there still be fireworks..

Because saying goodbye is never easy..

I sometimes wonder how I can abandon this place for months- a place that has given me so so much that I can’t possibly put into words.

I remember finding my way here when I was heartbroken for the first time. Initially (and I hate to admit it), I began writing just to prove that it didn’t hurt, that I was too strong for a relationship to break me.  At that time, I wasn’t cynical enough and this place wasn’t personal enough so I posted the link on Orkut- not only could friends read it and testify for my bravery, but “he” could too and I knew that he would get sooo pissed off seeing that I was not that sobby girl who he’d left behind but someone who couldn’t care a damn. It was mission accomplished, or I’d like to believe so..

Slowly, I began writing more and weirdly enough people were reading me even though I’d removed my link from Orkut. I began sharing my fears of starting all over again (something I was going to do quite a few times in the years to come), of being around new people. When work got tough or I failed miserably in another relationship- this was my “go to” space, only this time the "boyfriends" weren't aware of here. Being that super private person I was, I wouldn’t write how I felt in as many words but indicated enough for me to vent out everything inside me. I never took names, never have, never will and that made it soo much easier. 

I also began reading so much on other spaces and they gave me strength, I’d made some nameless friends who just knew me and since there was no mandate to be nice/ be in touch all the time, I grew close to them through words only, it was just so simple. The intervention of Twitter made things change and a lot of people moved from here to there. Some things happened in my life too that made me stay away from here for long gaps- getting engaged and it not working out/ falling in love and not being reciprocated to name a few. So I usually visited this space in my bouts of melancholy, which were often too soon..

After a string of rubbish relationships, S happened and I stopped coming here as regularly as I did. He has become my “go to” person now- for everything! I know I will not be judged- just accepted, he gives me the same feeling that I get with my parents, of being loved unconditionally, of his having more confidence in me than I have on myself, laughing at my silliest of jokes, putting me to sleep, even telling me stories when I can’t; and I can obviously go on..

So the reason I am writing this is because it’s going to be a decade of here in July and when I go back to my earliest post, I didn’t have much to write about, to now when I am in a similar situation. I started because I was broken and now, after a decade when I think he fixed me I am tempted to say goodbye.

Let’s see..

Being corny..

And then I fell in love like one falls asleep:
Slowly and then all of a sudden..

Mercy..

I have been working for 10 years now and although it may not seem a lot but I’ve slogged all this while, tried doing complete justice to every facet, treated it like it’s my life. I have taken so much stress that I’ve lost hair and feel weird about how I look.

I have tried being fair and kept shut about things that have bothered me. Then why cannot I get that tiny bit of recognition that I so want. Why do I have to struggle for everything- money, respect, recognition, even acknowledgement. I might be doing something wrong and I have no idea what.

Mercy please..

Signs and more..

It's my birthday- again! So let's forget all about that and write what I came here to..

I have been feeding birds for years now. Everyday after my pooja (prayers), I scatter a palmful of lentils and some rice on the balcony and wait for birds, mostly pigeons to rush to them. 

While I was in Delhi, for almost 7 years, these little guys had learnt the timings. They'd already be waiting for me when I went out and by the time I was leaving the city, some of them had even begun eating out of my hand. 

I have been in Bangalore for a year and a half now and like always, scattered the grains everyday- only to see them go waste, until lately. A few days back when I left out food for the birds, I saw a pigeon fly to it. While I waited behind the balcony door, I somehow could sense it's anxiety while pecking at these. I smiled to myself, somewhat with relief even. The next day there were more of these birds so I increased the quantity and now there are about 12 pigeons that greet me in the morning. 

I felt relived because I've associated home with them, it's like my soul has accepted the place and this is it's way of communicating this to me. It's amazing, the sort of peace I feel when I see them pecking at the food I leave out for them and the joy when I wake up S to watch that scene with me is incredible..

I guess I am finally content now, from the inside..

And it's come down to this..

So my little nephew refuses to study and my sister scolds him:

N: What will you become when you grow up if you don’t study!

S: I will become a politian..

N: ??

S: If Modi can become the prime minister being a tea boy, I can too..

It's great that he’s 4 years old and so aware, and also that Modi can aspire anyone to become whatever they want to, and it does sound pretty great.

But like really.. 

The shedding process..

I cannot deny the fact that I’ve been in love quite a few times. And it has never been the casual sort of love, on the contrary it’s been the intense kinds where I have mostly wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

I first fell in love when I was probably 17 years old. We were best friends in school and the irony is that we began dating only after we moved to different cities, meeting just once a year. Despite all that, it lasted 6 years and came very close to ending the way we wanted it to. That never happened and I was left with a lot of bitterness for a long time to come. I swore to myself, (the way we do when our hearts get broken for the first time), that I would never fall in love, never date, but mostly I learnt that I will never compromise what I wanted to be for anyone- and that was my first lesson in love.

The promise didn’t last long and before I knew it, I was dating again. Again in different cities, hardly meeting each other. Countries changed and breakups happened. This time however it was different, for once it was mutual so there were no tears as such, just a hollow feeling that you get when you revert to being single after years. Obviously I’d matured and things were easier- or so I thought.

The next one was sort of weird and am still not sure if I was seeing him. Stupid as it may sound, I actually didn’t know. I had been terribly attracted to this person for years but always thought that I was totally out of his league. Again different cities (which had become so my thing- I could compartmentalize my life, have my career, my own set of friends and not be answerable to anyone, rather bound by anything), but it was much more intense than anything I’d ever experienced. At one point I thought that I could never have a normal relationship after him, I’d become so used to not talking for months, or zero expectations that I had begun believing that’s probably how it worked. I had too much of pride and ego to even question what was happening. When this one ended, I thought my life would end and it didn’t. The wall I thought I’d built around myself came crashing down and I just went numb.

Not for long I must say! I began dating yet again and the similarity was so acute to the previous one that I thought that if I went through the trauma again, I might just collapse. So when S asked me out, I simply said yes. We were very good friends, he treated me like china, always took care of me and tolerated all my tantrums. I assumed that if he was soo good to me as a friend, he would definitely treat me well as his partner. I was starving for a normal relationship, where you could call the person anytime you wanted to, where you didn’t have to hide behind the wall and he gave me that and much more. The doubts I had about ever being in love again- without pride or ego and selflessly have long been shattered because that’s the kind of love I received and I simply had to reciprocate it.

The reason am writing the much hidden story of my life is because:

-        -  I have wanted to come out in the open for a very long time.

-        -  I couldn’t care less of what people think of me now

-          But mostly because whenever I've dated someone, I've never confessed of it in public. It's been like hiding it, and not telling about it to anyone. So when I read someone on insta of how she had fallen in love and couldn't care less what people thought of her, how she showed her excitement about meeting that person, it made me so happy.

 I realized that love is not a thing to hide.  When you give so much of yourself to a person, there is nothing to be ashamed of it. You were young, you made mistakes and you learnt or maybe didn’t but these will be with you for the rest of your life and mostly you’ll look back at them only with fondness- I do..

Making mistakes and such..

Maybe I will always be an outsider. Outsider to jokes, to bonding, friends, colleagues, relatives, everything..

I have never managed to make close friends, people never like me at first instance and mostly everyone gets inhibited by that invisible wall I seem to have created around myself. I make progress and then pushed back again. I move one step forward and end up in square one. I try to be kind and patient, maybe too much so, and then taken for granted.

I learn, only to forget as quickly. And then there’s no denying the fact that it hurts terribly..