About sisters..

I sometimes wonder how she knows me so well, its T I am talking about. Whenever we have our conversations about “life”, she says such things that stick to me, and no matter how I disagree with them at that point in time, eventually I realize how right she was.

Before I got married, she kept telling me how wonderful a life I was living- a place to myself, all the freedom, work that I loved and enough money, what more could I ask for. I kept telling her that she didn’t realize that how it was a struggle sometimes to live alone, how at times I wouldn’t speak for hours, and all the stupid stuff I could think of. And though I hate to admit it, she was right about the life I was living was that people only dreamt of.

Another conversation of ours was regarding a friend who lived out of a suitcase. She lived a nomadic life and to buy something new, she had to throw something old out of her case. I was completely fascinated by it and wanted to live a similar life, travel, have no roots, just like the movies. When we were discussing it, she said that “we-her and I”, weren’t capable of such lives. We were people with roots, we liked familiarity was too much- coming back to a home and not a hotel room, being around familiar faces and not trying to make new friends all the time, talking and meeting our parents and sibling very often, that’s what made us. Again, stupid of me to disagree but one move to another city and a month in the hotel room made me change my mind.

To say that she’s my alter ego wouldn’t be an overstatement. I’ve come to realize how important “validation” for us in anything we do, thanks to her. When I decided to get married to S, I was super scared. Although we were friends but he was not the kind of man I’d sought for myself, rather opposite. Destiny intervened and things happened. As usual, I went to her with my woes and this is what she said (she’d of course met him by then)- “Sam, some things are decided by God himself, what happened to you was just that. Since you didn’t know what’s good for you, he intervened and took the call for you and that’s the best way it should be done. Knowing you and how you’ve lived your life, how you don’t like answering people and that freedom you need, you couldn’t have settled for a typical family like we have.” This not only gave me the much needed confidence at the point of time, but now I realize how she knows me better than myself.

I can go on about this sister of mine, how some of the best advices have come from her, how she puts into words exactly what I am thinking, but let’s just end it like that- she knows me better than I know myself..

And nostalgia hits like never before..

At times when I read my earlier posts, I feel strangely detached. As if the current strange me is looking at the real me that earlier was. I know it makes no sense at all, so let me explain (or try to).

For a millionth time- I lived alone for 6 years, in total solitude. There was just no one I came back home to, or who heard me out. Though it may sound depressing and I constantly cribbed about it, somewhere I’d gotten used to it too. I had a way of living, behaving, doing things and coping with situations. When I think about those days, I feel as if the person I am right now is somebody I don’t connect to and I keep looking for those glimpses of my past life. It is nowhere to say that I am not happy right now, just that I reminisce about those days through rosy glasses. I seem to have forgotten the pain and hurt of living alone, not talking for hours at times, crying myself to sleep even. All I think of now is how I could not talk when I didn’t feel like, taking power naps coming back home before going out with friends for dinner, those late night conversations of love, life and miseries with best friends.  I miss dragging my bean bag in the balcony with a nice cup of tea and a book and going off to sleep on it till the evening chill woke me up. I miss S picking me up and giving me that appreciative glance that embarrassed me and inflated my ego at the same time. I miss my little secret life..

It’s like sitting on a tree and looking at my current life as if it is all happening to someone else.. And then I meet S in the evening and couldn’t care less..

A prayer and then some more..

Can I now have my hair back please!!
And I pray with all my heart..

Arbit thoughts and more..

It has become increasingly difficult to read or even write these days. I start something and don’t to how to continue with it and no matter how much I crave for the earlier enthusiasm to do either, I just can’t. I feel guilty about all the unread books I have with me, or the books I want to read, but it just doesn’t happen.

Once, books and writing were my solace, my escape from the hard realities of this world. I could lose myself in them, they made me feel smarter, they made me feel strangely me, but mostly through them I connected to the eccentric side of me. These activities, no matter how regular, made me feel unique, as if I was just slightly apart from the rest, or when I felt alone and scared, I connected with them like nothing else.

And now I miss it so much, I miss being so in love with a book that I never want it to finish, or relating myself to the characters or my heart pumping so fast when something exciting is going to happen in it. I miss posting regularly and knowing that someone there is reading, relating.. maybe even understanding.

I miss pouring it all out here, I miss my old self at times..

Age old issues..

I don't know how to begin, rather crib, so lets begin right away (in my favorite way):
- Any new work place, and I have my issues.
- I think I have no social skills left in me, can't make conversations, can't bond
- I wonder what's it between the bosses and me, they never ever like me
- What the hell does it take to do well in your carrier- I work as hard as I can but it doesn't even matter.
- Stupid ambitious me
- I NEED to be happy in my work and my personal life to be truly happy
- I wonder if its just a girl thing to make life difficult for the new girls who join in or men go through similar grievances
- I miss M, I wish I could find a friend like him here

And then I pray some more..

And it comes again..

You find yourself at the strangest of places at times, a place where you have everything you want and are still struggling with acceptance; when after all these years of working, you feel like you are beginning from the scratch again, when you feel small and incapable but still can't give up without a fight..

And then you revisit old places for solace, for comfort and familiarity, hoping that there are those few still around with the kindest words of advise and affection..

I miss it here..

I think I have simply lost my ability to write. Though I miss this space soo much, words just cease to flow out of me like they did.

Maybe it is because I have nothing to say as such, its a dull, but content life I lead nowadays. Being married puts an end to my "boy" problems or ego issues. I do see glimpses of my past life, the one that I thought was dull but it mostly had something going on, and it seems like all of it happened to someone else. I don't understand now what the fuss was all about and had I known being married would be like this, I'd have done it sooner!!

Having said that, it doesn't mean I don't have my share of qualms. Earlier, it was cribbing about work, and now its cribbing about having none!! Yes, I am unemployed- finding a job in this new place has been very daunting and I worry that I will get too laid back or rust if I don't begin doing something soon enough. Honestly, I would have lost it had it not been for him, he just keeps my wits intact.

So that's all I got to say about my mundane life, to whom I don't even know but its relieving to take that out here, as if I am conversing with a friend after ages.

Miss being here..

As it was to be..

And so I fell in love with this kind, funny man..

Aspirations and more..

"Life is like riding a bicycle,
You must keep moving in order to keep you balance." Einstein.

I've been hooked to Instagram lately and the more I see pictures of the younger and cooler ones, the more I realise what all I could have done, all the I could have achieved. I repent the opportunities missed, I wanted to grow up quickly and begin working. I was fascinated by the idea of earning my own money, getting the freedom that comes with it and though that was sweet, I want to do so much more now.

I don't regret much that I did in life but I do repent making more mistakes, taking more risks. Growing up has taught me a lesson, to be more impulsive, to follow my heart. I should have travelled more, worked harder and aspired to be bigger, been more frivolous and flamboyant . I've learnt that life will end up being what it has to be and you end up remembering only the nicer parts, past is forgotten easily and life should be lived and not just withered away.

Maybe this is what they say wisdom is, maybe that's what they call experience but the fact remains that I'll never be young again.

Maybe that's the ultimate lesson that we all learn as we travel in this so called journey called life..

A facade..

On the Internet (minus this space), I can be anything. I can be flambouyant, flirtatious, colourful and crazy. I can hide my miseries and drown my insecurities and pretend of a perfect little world. I can be witty and friendly and always happy. I can create an illusion of fun, and hide my selfishness, pretend to be spiritual and not matirialistic when in reality ambition drives me crazy.

It's such a respite..

An early bird..

At times the vastness of life scares me, scares me more than anything in the world. And at times like these I wonder how lovely it would be to die young, even poetic.. It worries me if I would be able to justify my existence in this world, fulfill my own expectations I have of myself. The worst is that people don't expect much of me so I cannot even rebel against anyone.

And I don't write this because I am depressed about anything, just that I've always fancied dieing young.

Only if we could choose..

As it will always be love..

My latest lessons from  the book The Ingredients of Love, (of what I've read of it until now):

"If you consider it closely, we all have our complications, sensitive spots, and quirks. There are things we do or things we would never do- or only in very special circumstances. Things that make other people laugh and shake their heads in wonder.
Peculiar things that are ours and ours alone."
 
"Bernadette was right, this wasn't about Claude at all, but about something that ultimately always touches our souls: the love for someone we all long for, to whom we reach out our hands our whole life long, to touch them and hold them."
 
"And it was senseless to expect fairness in matters of the hearts.
Love was what it was. No more and no less."

And so I just fell in love with these lines..

 

A wish..

Realisation between what you like and what you assume to like has sunk in rather quickly. I always fancied a life where I virtually lived out of the suitcase, stayed in fancy hotels and traveled and met new people. In fact, I was envious of a friend who had a life like that, with no roots, nothing to pull her back. I envisioned a fun life, full of discovery and wonder.

Well, as they say, you need to be careful what you wish for. That is the kind of life I am living now. I stay in this hotel while I post this, the breakfast is served in the room and I can laze, read, daydream and think as much as I want. On the contrary, I have that option of sitting in the multitude little cafes that are lined up across the street or go shopping. But all I crave for now is to have some stability. I crave for a house that I can do my way, buy furniture, make it beautiful. A sister of mine once told me- we are people who like to be rooted and though I did not understand her context then, I do now. I like to come back to a home not not a hotel room, I like the familiarity of having my friends around me, to know what I need to wear when I am meeting people (no matter how shallow that may sound) and not ask his advise every time.

But mostly, I miss Delhi. I never realised how attached I was to that place. It is said to be unsafe, have the most uncultured people around along with some other insinuations. However, I was used to the brashness there, I was used to getting dressed if I was going for dinner, wearing heels and make up. I always thought that casual was more me, that I did care about what I wear but in the "I don't give a damn" sorta way, I miss my friends, I miss knowing my way around that city but mostly I miss my independence I had there.

Soon, I'll go back.. Just maybe..

A first of many..

It's been the longest ever and not without a reason. I am finally married now, moved cities and live in total ambiguity like never before. As my husband (there is a funny click to it on my tongue) sleeps next to me in total bliss, I manage to get the time and the inclination to post.

It has been a serious roller coaster ride, one that doesn't seem to end any sooner. I have doubted my decision a million times, prayed to God like never before to lead me, seen signs which am not sure were there or not, but finally made it. And am so glad I did!! In him not only I find my friend, but a kind and honest man who respects me and cares about me in an almost parental way. He trusts me, guides me and helps me, he wipes my tears and still fights with equal ease. He loves my parents and my family, and teaches me how to love his. I can go on about him, this crazy, funny man I've married but most importantly, he lets me be.

I guess my love story has finally begun..

A holiday greeting..

I haven't abandoned this space, just busy getting married!!
Happy holidays everyone!!

I miss here..

A read and then a post..

I think my ability to write is directly proportional to what I read. My resolution to finish reading Jobs propelled me to write right now.

The confession today is that I try finding common grounds between the famous people (I like) and me. And like always, the list is endless, how I can be stubborn, how impatient I can be, how I believe that I will die at 45 (when I am at my peak of happiness and wouldn't want to), and most importantly, my ability to ignore a situation I don't like. A huge difference would be that I prefer to stay in the shadows and I'd never ever steal credit (and therefore just might not work too well in this corporate jungle). It's also funny how all the negatives seem like virtues suddenly.

Very childish but that's me again with all my whims and fancies..

p.s: though not a technology freak, I am proud to have atleast one Apple device and be associated with this crazy man..

A post, just that..

I just don't like posting from a phone, you need to make it short and precise and that fluidity of thought goes missing in comparison to writing on paper. But at times one needs to make the best of circumstances and in my case, just give in to the urge of posting.

My latest is that I've been home for a week now and as much as I love to chat up with Ma, I do miss my time on my own, the contentment of my own space. I realise that "this time" will not come back, that things will change massively for me but somehow I am not ready to accept it. I am going by my usual philosophy- ignoring the problem for a long time and not thinking about it makes it go away.

The fact is that I am not ready to get married and knowing me, I never will be but this is the closest I will come to living my life the way I want to, with the person who knows me and accepts me with all my follies and tantrums (but am told people change) so I'll take the leap for me, for us. Also, as I often say, all these years made me realise what I DON'T want in a man and I am going by that so lets hope it works.

Am also guilty of reading Steve Jobs for months now but with about a 100 pages to go now, I've vowed to finish it today. It's a brilliant book that gives hope to people like me who lose temper in demand of perfection and then don't even feel apologetic about it. Way to go!!

I'll wind up saying that I miss here a lot and I'll try to be good and write more often, for no one's sake but mine..

A new beginning..

I am coming here after ages and a lot has changed in between. It has been a time with such mixed feelings that have left me totally overwhelmed and slightly breathless. I have been oscillating between feeling extreme happiness to anxiety attacks that have left me all teary many mornings.

There have been times when I have doubted my decision, wished back for my singular status, thought about the maybes, thought about my life had a waited a little longer, about what would I be feeling had it been with anyone else. I then go back to thinking what I have, how I can be myself, how I am loved and appreciated, how my parents and family feel and more importantly the actual contentment and solidity that I have always wanted and everything seems perfect.

Knowing myself, I know I will be fickle and difficult, that I will worry for every little thing, that it might take ages for me to trust and start giving back but the larger picture seems beautiful and the my inner voice, the one that I always listen to says it will be a fun ride.

So let the circus begin..

All for love..



A day at home with my little nephew..

                                             

A weak spot..

I read some spaces with a hint of envy in me. And though it may sound lame, the reason is that while they can be upfront and so vocal about how they feel and what’s happening in their lives, I have to beat about the bush or better still, not write about it at all. Reason being, I happen to know certain people who read my space with whom I would rather not share what’s happening in my life.

I may also be asked why I cannot put those very thoughts that I fear sharing so much in my journal to which I would say that I do, but there is something about here that pushes me to put thoughts into words that I cannot anywhere else and more importantly, my ego takes over and I get this bug saying that it is MY space after all, last minute and I back off. Then again, this is a blog, a forum where people will read what you write and you have that option to password protect it but I don’t do any of that. It’s like contradicting my every action/ statement.

On an altogether different note, I can no more stand that double standards of it all at my workplace anymore. It’s like you take one step forward and you are pulled back two steps back. No matter how much I love what I do, the unfairness of it all is creeping in and I am at the end of my tolerance limit, one nudge and I might crumble, but not without a fight..