Thought..

It saddens me when I read something nice and do not mark/ write it somewhere out of laziness..
I also realise that writing, using pen/ paper is more fun and if I don't, I'll forget the very technique.

Design..

Currently I am into designing Dora the Explorer footwear and its more fun than I thought. Probably its all about imersing yourself completely into it than going by the preconcieved notion that you do not enjoy doing a particular thing. However, the whole thing of designing gets to me at times, deciding the colours, choosing materials and the worst of all, considering production parameters just doesn't seem to be my cup of tea. I feel restricted when I face printing limitations and when vague fantasies like adding animation to a footwear and not being able to do so occur to me.

Buying/ commercial side of things is more my thing.In my previous job, thats what I did, there was a strange adrenaline rush when every week I saw the sales figures coming in, where I'd go lengths to convince the sales people to sell the product of my category..

But then, this isn't so bad either though I hate it when I get these design blocks and I have to write unnessary posts like these to clear my head and make you read it..

Sunshine..

I've missed sunshine these past few days. I realise that though I like rains, but a few hours of those makes me gloomy and craving for sunlight..

Quit..

I think I would die a very content/ happy death now, if it chooses to come to me. I have great parents, perfect health, work I love, friends I care for and who care for me, pretty much got what I've wanted..

And I believe one should quit the game at its pinnacle..

Odd one..

I think I am eccentric. I like people who posses a certain kind of weirdness, I relate to them in an inexplicable way..

Directness, confrontations, explanations scare me. I don't even feel my age, much older or younger but never there. I know it does not make any sense but that's what it is all about, going by my own whims and fantasies, doing things which would be stupid for most but understood by some.

I can't explain it, its difficult, its ironic, a self I carefully guard but which forms the core of my being..

Simplifying..

It is particularly hard for me to come to a decision. Even when I know that something is not right and the other option available would do me more good, I still think.. I have people advising me, friends whom I can trust blindly but I just can't come upon a decision till something triggers off within me. I have no idea what chemical reactions happen, what sets it off but at that moment I don't have any doubts, no fears..

The problem with this process is that everything gets delayed no matter how right the decision is and that irks me off. Earlier I thought that once I get older, things would get simplified but whats happening is quite the contrary..

Probably its the right thing, right time philosophy, the delay cannot be ignored anyhow..

Simplicity..

Conversation with a friend who said and I remembered:

"I realise that some relationships go beyond meeting each other frequently, or speaking regularly on the phone or even acknowledging each other's presence..
It sparks up by a mere look exchanged, or just knowing that the other person exists in some part of the world...
And that seems enough!!"

Strangely, it did..

To the both of you..

I've mentioned her before, when she was getting married last year, my younger sister who's very close to me, whom I thought I would get distanced from after she moved to another city but like all of you said, I did get closer to her. Now I even ask her for advice on issues like I would from my older ones, and she's always been there for me despite her adjusting to the new environment and post marriage changes.

And then there's this another sister of mine who's always busy, the big socialite she is. She looks after her work, after a one year old baby girl, the whole of the family whose part I am lucky to be of. Though I don't get to speak to her much but the conversation we do get to have made me realise how I've ended up being one of the most pampered child of the family, by virtue of being the only spinster remaining.

A small incident yesterday made me realise how lucky I am to have them with me, how they love me unconditionally and how both of them treat me like the younger one (the former mentioned is two years my junior and the latter just one year my senior). Now, there is no competition amongst us, but a very healthy relationship where all of us love seeing each other growing up, doing well for themselves and basically being happy..

This post is just my way of thanking these inseparable parts of my life and tell them how much I love them..

Down and out..

Its been sometime since I've vented out my work frustrations on my blog but desperate conditions call for desperate measures and I certainly am bugged.. This is my fourth organisation in last five years(I know not a great track record) but I doubt I've been this frustrated anywhere or gone through this kind of politics ever or felt so humiliated and cheated, in short its been aweful. Also, I don't find any reason to stick to this place as I am not learning anything, not growing in anyway like my previous work places.

My collegues are nice but the senior management is sheer torture, their ways are beyond me and I can't see any way out, thanks to recession and lack of job opportunities.

I feel caged and sufforcated and this is one place where I can't see even hard work doing anything for me.. I want an out!!

All that matters..

Its so irksome, not having travelled anywhere outside India. Maybe its nothing but for me, it matters..
When would I..

Complacent..

At times you are so happy and content that it scares you. I am scared too, scared not beacuse it may not last, but beacuse there might not be a chance to end it properly.

And as someone said, and I defied (unnecessarily), closure definately is important. Closure in the form of an explaination, or a fight, or tears, or just a hug and a kiss: just something final which you can look back upon and say "it was good while it lasted but the end wasn't so bad either"..

Summers..

I hate summers!! I know most of us do but I’ve always justified somehow why I should like them. A new season, noise, sunshine and also because I happen to be a summer child but lately I am finding more reasons to think otherwise. The list is endless but here is goes:

- My house is swarmed with lizards, and the worst was today, I woke up and saw two of them mating in the kitchen. I got some sadistic pleasure buy throwing water at them and making them run apart.
- There are all sorts or insects, everywhere I see.
- The heat deprives me of all my energy. I come back extremely tired and go off to sleep, no socializing, no fun!!
- People around me who’ve not discovered the uses of the deodorant stink and stink real bad.
- Everything rots and smells, from the food to even the vegetables and fruits in the refrigerator.
- Everybody around me is so worked up by the heat that they get all irritable and mad.
- You cannot travel anywhere except the mountains which are dreadfully crowded.
- Shopping at Sarojini remains no fun, minus the amazing summer wear you get there at this time.
- Even water doesn’t do you any good.
- I hate the way all the exposed area gets tanned. Even those sunscreen lotions feel all sticky.
- You can’t see clearly while driving with the sun directly in your eyes. And I do wear shades.
- There is no use taking a shower, by the time I am done, am sweating again.
- Fresh is a word one can never use during summers.
- Flowers become expensive.
- Jeans become unbearable; they seem to gnaw my legs.
- I see lights on the lampposts on, in the afternoon when the sun is so brilliant that you can’t see what’s ahead of you and then we get power cuts!!
- I have to shampoo every alternate day, the hair don’t dry easily, the humidity does not allow them to and keeping the hair open does not remain an option.
- I can’t breathe.

I can go on and on but it’ll be too much on Mother Nature so I’ll stop... Summers, I guess make me bicker too!!

Little things..

Everything was the same old: I was lying on the diwan in my living room, bored, grumpy and feeling a little lonely. Books were strewn around, all three of them that I was trying to read simultaneously, there was food to occupy my attention and then the omnipresent television with its remote through which I was constantly changing channels, hoping that something/ anything interesting would catch my attention..

And luckily it did!! I came across this movie which had this song playing: “Sabse Peenche hum Khade”, a song I’d been hunting for ages now. Suddenly, life wasn’t that bad, I was smiling ear to ear and singing (trying to) that song at the top of my voice.

I wonder how little things can wash away all your glooms and a single song give you so much happiness, however short lived!!

Easy exit..

I am so glad that I don't stay in Lucknow!!

I do miss my family, my siblings but on return from every visit I get to know something that forces me to wish I hadn't gone. Every visit makes me realise how foolish I've been to trust the people I have, how unsuitable I am where politics dominates the whole scene, where non-diplomatic people (like me) do not stand a chance..

And how running away probably is the best course of action to be taken!!

Aftermath..

I wonder how important ones self-respect is.
To what lengths would one go to preserve their ego.
When would one give up and temptation take over.
Is giving up sometimes a good idea.
Happiness verses right/wrong, what’s a better choice.
Are there actually no free lunches.
How much sin can we get away with to guarantee us an average afterlife.

More about me..

I usually am the scrape goat when it comes to taking anybody’s case for my friends. And since I am not going to tell exactly what I was told, I’ve slightly tweaked the conversation to my advantage..

Reasons why any guy would love to have me in his life:

- I don’t cling.
- I love my space, my time alone with my friends minus THE guy. (Am sure any guy would understand that).
- I am commitment phobic to quite an extent.
- I don’t like mush.
- I like romance minus the frills, for me the “thought counts” more!!
- It is extremely difficult for me to express emotions.
- I don’t mind a person who drinks and smokes, imagine escaping the nag who would constantly breathe on your neck to do this or not to do that.
- I don’t crave attention.

I know this post totally lacks any sense of modesty but hey, what the heck!! Am writing after ages and I deserve it...

The guy theory..

Conversation with a friend re-affirmed the following things for me:

Guys born and brought up in metropolitan cities, though are well educated and highly exposed, lack virtues such as open mindedness, tolerance and respect. They do not mind a girlfriend who drinks/smokes, wears "westerns", is independent and wants a carrier, but for a wife, they want just the opposite of the girlfriend types.

However, small town men, who've studied/worked in metropolitans are seen to be less of hypocrites, more open minded and understanding and a lot more tolerant and considerate.

Am sure not all of them fit the above criteria but as its said, one rotten apple spoils the whole basket and I've happened to come across more than a few of the rotten ones..

I've been..

- Sleeping and lazing BIG time.
- Eating on my own.
- Job hunting...kinda.
- Reading, a lot.
- Watching television like never before.
- Wishing for things to happen.
- Cribbing.
- Wishing things were different.
- Going for a lot of coffee.
- Looking for a flatmate.
- Keeping a tab on my bank account for the first time ever.
- Missing people.

In between all of that I had a great time at my best friend's wedding, met with old friends, gave an awesome bachelors to him (that's what I presume), realised that life could be fun if you had the right people by you..

This thing called lonliness..

It was dark all around, dark and lonely and sad. It seemed that somebody had sucked the life out of her. She hated feeling that ways, procrastinating, juggling ifs and buts, trying to evade that fear that nothing would be right anymore, virtually giving it all up and running away.. She had been quite for more than ten hours and felt that if she stayed that way for a moment more, her mouth would get sealed and she wouldn’t be able to ever utter a word again, and not talking meant suicide, communicating had been her life line, her strength, probably one of the only things she prided herself for, and that fear made her scream into the empty apartment.. But there was nobody to hear her, nobody to reply or get worried and so she cuddled unto herself and let all those hushed emotions out: she cried!!

Ahem..

Juggling between finding a job AND a flatmate can be quite a task and am trying to do just that!! So anyone or who knows anyone (female), looking for a place in Gurgaon, please get in touch with me..

Help me guys!!