Roots..

These lines from her got me thinking: "..because where you live can keep changing. Where you belong never does..."

S belongs to Kolkata while I to Lucknow. We have spent a major part of our lives, our growing up in these cities. Both of us have families there, relatives, cousins and even friends that we’ve grown up with. In my case, the bond is even stronger, my ancestors have lived there and for as long as any of us can remember, Lucknow has been our home. As I explain to people, I am typically from the city- we haven’t migrated from somewhere and both my parents’ sides have generations living in the city. I never gave it much thought until now, never realized what a source of pride for me it is and how important to “belong” to a place is, a place where I have my roots. And now suddenly, it’s such a beautiful feeling- to belong!

This whole thought process began when I started to think which place our children would belong to.. Both of us have our roots in different places, we will move cities based on our work requirements. And I wonder if my children would feel like the way I do about home? Will they ever come to the sudden realization about the importance of having roots, or ever wonder at this ordinary yet miraculous discovery.. 

To strangers..

There are some people you know you’ll never meet again..

I was flying home sometime last year. I’d just moved cities, had no job and was desperate for company, making “new” friends. My married sisters had instructed me to start talking to people, connecting with them (which is a very tough thing for me to do), and make friends, so I began groping for company. I was seated next to this lady who must be early 40s and we began talking.

It was rather interesting talking to her. She seemed as impatient as me, mature but still had that defying streak in her. She explained how Bangalore will gradually grow on me and I’ll begin to prefer it over Delhi, we spoke about ambition and families and children. She told me how independently she was raised, how she had called off her engagement when young with her childhood friend and neighbor and still managed to remain friends, that there came a time when she knew that she had to leave home for a larger city or she wouldn’t survive. There was too much of similarity and vehemence in us and I could see faint glimmers of a bond. This had happened to me before when total strangers had become my best friends and with that dire need now to find a close pal, I was glad to encounter someone like her.

 We kept chatting for all of the two and half hours and by the end of it remained interested enough to exchange numbers and a probability to meet each other once back in Bangalore. After umpteen attempts to connect, we did manage to meet up. We had lunch, chatted amicably for an hour or so and then parted with words of meeting each other with our spouses some time. However, in some inexplicable way, at some unsure moment during our lunch, I realized that this was probably that last time I was meeting her. I don’t know when and how this happened but I just knew it. After that meeting neither tried meeting or even staying in touch, just like that.

Now when I look back, I feel that I should have left that airplane conversation to what it was- a conversation that makes you smile at times, of connecting with somebody totally unknown and making you think about the wonders of life. I have had some encounters when I travelled often and though I don’t even know their names, I remember most of them distinctly, even fondly.

I guess its better being ignorant about some things, certain people. Maybe some things are best left the way they are..

Generally..

I no more have the older qualms.. It’s a peaceful and some might even say, a pretty life I live.

My day begins at 7:30 in the morning when I wake up to open the door for the cook, instruct him what to make and then go back to bed, if only to shut my eyes for those 20 extra minutes before I have no choice but to wake up. Once I am ready, I literarily cajole S to wake up and rush into the kitchen to make nimboo paani/ tea/ breakfast and pack our lunch. In the meanwhile S is ready and settles the bed, waters plants and we talk about mundane things with some random music playing in the background.

He obviously finishes his share of chores before me (with hardly much to do) and is at the table when I bring breakfast and tea out for us. We again chat amicably for a while before we realize with a start that both of us are getting late. This is followed with total chaos to pick up our bags, one last look at the mirror, hug each other and then while I bring out the car, he locks up the house. I drop him on my way to work and we both get immersed in our respective work places.

Once I reach work, I HAVE to text him or he loses it (which I think is rather sweet). Once when I forgot to message him and rushed into a meeting, I had umpteen missed calls, several frantic texts and a call at the office reception! We usually call each other once in a day from work, even if to say hello. I leave work at about 6:30-7:00 in the evening when things are good, talk to Ma on my way back and by that time he has already reached home, changed and is off to the gym. We meet each other by 8:30ish and have dinner, watch some tv, share our day and are off to sleep. Often the gym is replaced by a common urge to eat paani bataasha (gogappas), so we meet each other mid-way and go for dinner.

Amidst all this, my life is sprinkled with little fights and arguments with him, some late night conversations about life and future plans, our doubts and fears, everlasting holiday plans, some gossip and a bit of bullying each other.

I don’t think I can complain, thank God..

Refusing to budge..

I admit I've been living my life in a bit of an illusion. A life I've been seeing through rose tinted glares, where everything works out the way I want it to.. And though "Castle" says high time he admitted to reality, I refuse to. I would still like to believe that I will get what I want, somehow.

And yes, I am 30 something and still not cynical, touch wood..

On another note, those bloody shots on my scalp hurt crazy. I've paid my price for being arrogant about how I look, hair back now- please God..

Believing in miracles..

DESTINY- It's a word that I've learnt the meaning of very slowly. I've argued with myself a zillion times on how it's the willpower of a human being that makes things happen and though I still believe in the thought, things have changed.

I've learnt that:
- You do get exactly what you want, it may or may not be how you've wanted it.
- "He" up there knows you more than you know yourself
- Believing is a miraculous word
- Some things are meant to be, most are destined
- Hard work and luck go together
- The present happens in preparation to the future

And I believe this because of all the guys I met, I ended up with S, whose exactly right for me. There were times when I hated him beyond reason but still continued being friends with him and now I wonder why..

I guess He always has a plan and that makes me believe in miracles..

About sisters..

I sometimes wonder how she knows me so well, its T I am talking about. Whenever we have our conversations about “life”, she says such things that stick to me, and no matter how I disagree with them at that point in time, eventually I realize how right she was.

Before I got married, she kept telling me how wonderful a life I was living- a place to myself, all the freedom, work that I loved and enough money, what more could I ask for. I kept telling her that she didn’t realize that how it was a struggle sometimes to live alone, how at times I wouldn’t speak for hours, and all the stupid stuff I could think of. And though I hate to admit it, she was right about the life I was living was that people only dreamt of.

Another conversation of ours was regarding a friend who lived out of a suitcase. She lived a nomadic life and to buy something new, she had to throw something old out of her case. I was completely fascinated by it and wanted to live a similar life, travel, have no roots, just like the movies. When we were discussing it, she said that “we-her and I”, weren’t capable of such lives. We were people with roots, we liked familiarity was too much- coming back to a home and not a hotel room, being around familiar faces and not trying to make new friends all the time, talking and meeting our parents and sibling very often, that’s what made us. Again, stupid of me to disagree but one move to another city and a month in the hotel room made me change my mind.

To say that she’s my alter ego wouldn’t be an overstatement. I’ve come to realize how important “validation” for us in anything we do, thanks to her. When I decided to get married to S, I was super scared. Although we were friends but he was not the kind of man I’d sought for myself, rather opposite. Destiny intervened and things happened. As usual, I went to her with my woes and this is what she said (she’d of course met him by then)- “Sam, some things are decided by God himself, what happened to you was just that. Since you didn’t know what’s good for you, he intervened and took the call for you and that’s the best way it should be done. Knowing you and how you’ve lived your life, how you don’t like answering people and that freedom you need, you couldn’t have settled for a typical family like we have.” This not only gave me the much needed confidence at the point of time, but now I realize how she knows me better than myself.

I can go on about this sister of mine, how some of the best advices have come from her, how she puts into words exactly what I am thinking, but let’s just end it like that- she knows me better than I know myself..

And nostalgia hits like never before..

At times when I read my earlier posts, I feel strangely detached. As if the current strange me is looking at the real me that earlier was. I know it makes no sense at all, so let me explain (or try to).

For a millionth time- I lived alone for 6 years, in total solitude. There was just no one I came back home to, or who heard me out. Though it may sound depressing and I constantly cribbed about it, somewhere I’d gotten used to it too. I had a way of living, behaving, doing things and coping with situations. When I think about those days, I feel as if the person I am right now is somebody I don’t connect to and I keep looking for those glimpses of my past life. It is nowhere to say that I am not happy right now, just that I reminisce about those days through rosy glasses. I seem to have forgotten the pain and hurt of living alone, not talking for hours at times, crying myself to sleep even. All I think of now is how I could not talk when I didn’t feel like, taking power naps coming back home before going out with friends for dinner, those late night conversations of love, life and miseries with best friends.  I miss dragging my bean bag in the balcony with a nice cup of tea and a book and going off to sleep on it till the evening chill woke me up. I miss S picking me up and giving me that appreciative glance that embarrassed me and inflated my ego at the same time. I miss my little secret life..

It’s like sitting on a tree and looking at my current life as if it is all happening to someone else.. And then I meet S in the evening and couldn’t care less..

A prayer and then some more..

Can I now have my hair back please!!
And I pray with all my heart..

Arbit thoughts and more..

It has become increasingly difficult to read or even write these days. I start something and don’t to how to continue with it and no matter how much I crave for the earlier enthusiasm to do either, I just can’t. I feel guilty about all the unread books I have with me, or the books I want to read, but it just doesn’t happen.

Once, books and writing were my solace, my escape from the hard realities of this world. I could lose myself in them, they made me feel smarter, they made me feel strangely me, but mostly through them I connected to the eccentric side of me. These activities, no matter how regular, made me feel unique, as if I was just slightly apart from the rest, or when I felt alone and scared, I connected with them like nothing else.

And now I miss it so much, I miss being so in love with a book that I never want it to finish, or relating myself to the characters or my heart pumping so fast when something exciting is going to happen in it. I miss posting regularly and knowing that someone there is reading, relating.. maybe even understanding.

I miss pouring it all out here, I miss my old self at times..

Age old issues..

I don't know how to begin, rather crib, so lets begin right away (in my favorite way):
- Any new work place, and I have my issues.
- I think I have no social skills left in me, can't make conversations, can't bond
- I wonder what's it between the bosses and me, they never ever like me
- What the hell does it take to do well in your carrier- I work as hard as I can but it doesn't even matter.
- Stupid ambitious me
- I NEED to be happy in my work and my personal life to be truly happy
- I wonder if its just a girl thing to make life difficult for the new girls who join in or men go through similar grievances
- I miss M, I wish I could find a friend like him here

And then I pray some more..

And it comes again..

You find yourself at the strangest of places at times, a place where you have everything you want and are still struggling with acceptance; when after all these years of working, you feel like you are beginning from the scratch again, when you feel small and incapable but still can't give up without a fight..

And then you revisit old places for solace, for comfort and familiarity, hoping that there are those few still around with the kindest words of advise and affection..

I miss it here..

I think I have simply lost my ability to write. Though I miss this space soo much, words just cease to flow out of me like they did.

Maybe it is because I have nothing to say as such, its a dull, but content life I lead nowadays. Being married puts an end to my "boy" problems or ego issues. I do see glimpses of my past life, the one that I thought was dull but it mostly had something going on, and it seems like all of it happened to someone else. I don't understand now what the fuss was all about and had I known being married would be like this, I'd have done it sooner!!

Having said that, it doesn't mean I don't have my share of qualms. Earlier, it was cribbing about work, and now its cribbing about having none!! Yes, I am unemployed- finding a job in this new place has been very daunting and I worry that I will get too laid back or rust if I don't begin doing something soon enough. Honestly, I would have lost it had it not been for him, he just keeps my wits intact.

So that's all I got to say about my mundane life, to whom I don't even know but its relieving to take that out here, as if I am conversing with a friend after ages.

Miss being here..

As it was to be..

And so I fell in love with this kind, funny man..

Aspirations and more..

"Life is like riding a bicycle,
You must keep moving in order to keep you balance." Einstein.

I've been hooked to Instagram lately and the more I see pictures of the younger and cooler ones, the more I realise what all I could have done, all the I could have achieved. I repent the opportunities missed, I wanted to grow up quickly and begin working. I was fascinated by the idea of earning my own money, getting the freedom that comes with it and though that was sweet, I want to do so much more now.

I don't regret much that I did in life but I do repent making more mistakes, taking more risks. Growing up has taught me a lesson, to be more impulsive, to follow my heart. I should have travelled more, worked harder and aspired to be bigger, been more frivolous and flamboyant . I've learnt that life will end up being what it has to be and you end up remembering only the nicer parts, past is forgotten easily and life should be lived and not just withered away.

Maybe this is what they say wisdom is, maybe that's what they call experience but the fact remains that I'll never be young again.

Maybe that's the ultimate lesson that we all learn as we travel in this so called journey called life..

A facade..

On the Internet (minus this space), I can be anything. I can be flambouyant, flirtatious, colourful and crazy. I can hide my miseries and drown my insecurities and pretend of a perfect little world. I can be witty and friendly and always happy. I can create an illusion of fun, and hide my selfishness, pretend to be spiritual and not matirialistic when in reality ambition drives me crazy.

It's such a respite..

An early bird..

At times the vastness of life scares me, scares me more than anything in the world. And at times like these I wonder how lovely it would be to die young, even poetic.. It worries me if I would be able to justify my existence in this world, fulfill my own expectations I have of myself. The worst is that people don't expect much of me so I cannot even rebel against anyone.

And I don't write this because I am depressed about anything, just that I've always fancied dieing young.

Only if we could choose..

As it will always be love..

My latest lessons from  the book The Ingredients of Love, (of what I've read of it until now):

"If you consider it closely, we all have our complications, sensitive spots, and quirks. There are things we do or things we would never do- or only in very special circumstances. Things that make other people laugh and shake their heads in wonder.
Peculiar things that are ours and ours alone."
 
"Bernadette was right, this wasn't about Claude at all, but about something that ultimately always touches our souls: the love for someone we all long for, to whom we reach out our hands our whole life long, to touch them and hold them."
 
"And it was senseless to expect fairness in matters of the hearts.
Love was what it was. No more and no less."

And so I just fell in love with these lines..

 

A wish..

Realisation between what you like and what you assume to like has sunk in rather quickly. I always fancied a life where I virtually lived out of the suitcase, stayed in fancy hotels and traveled and met new people. In fact, I was envious of a friend who had a life like that, with no roots, nothing to pull her back. I envisioned a fun life, full of discovery and wonder.

Well, as they say, you need to be careful what you wish for. That is the kind of life I am living now. I stay in this hotel while I post this, the breakfast is served in the room and I can laze, read, daydream and think as much as I want. On the contrary, I have that option of sitting in the multitude little cafes that are lined up across the street or go shopping. But all I crave for now is to have some stability. I crave for a house that I can do my way, buy furniture, make it beautiful. A sister of mine once told me- we are people who like to be rooted and though I did not understand her context then, I do now. I like to come back to a home not not a hotel room, I like the familiarity of having my friends around me, to know what I need to wear when I am meeting people (no matter how shallow that may sound) and not ask his advise every time.

But mostly, I miss Delhi. I never realised how attached I was to that place. It is said to be unsafe, have the most uncultured people around along with some other insinuations. However, I was used to the brashness there, I was used to getting dressed if I was going for dinner, wearing heels and make up. I always thought that casual was more me, that I did care about what I wear but in the "I don't give a damn" sorta way, I miss my friends, I miss knowing my way around that city but mostly I miss my independence I had there.

Soon, I'll go back.. Just maybe..

A first of many..

It's been the longest ever and not without a reason. I am finally married now, moved cities and live in total ambiguity like never before. As my husband (there is a funny click to it on my tongue) sleeps next to me in total bliss, I manage to get the time and the inclination to post.

It has been a serious roller coaster ride, one that doesn't seem to end any sooner. I have doubted my decision a million times, prayed to God like never before to lead me, seen signs which am not sure were there or not, but finally made it. And am so glad I did!! In him not only I find my friend, but a kind and honest man who respects me and cares about me in an almost parental way. He trusts me, guides me and helps me, he wipes my tears and still fights with equal ease. He loves my parents and my family, and teaches me how to love his. I can go on about him, this crazy, funny man I've married but most importantly, he lets me be.

I guess my love story has finally begun..

A holiday greeting..

I haven't abandoned this space, just busy getting married!!
Happy holidays everyone!!

I miss here..

A read and then a post..

I think my ability to write is directly proportional to what I read. My resolution to finish reading Jobs propelled me to write right now.

The confession today is that I try finding common grounds between the famous people (I like) and me. And like always, the list is endless, how I can be stubborn, how impatient I can be, how I believe that I will die at 45 (when I am at my peak of happiness and wouldn't want to), and most importantly, my ability to ignore a situation I don't like. A huge difference would be that I prefer to stay in the shadows and I'd never ever steal credit (and therefore just might not work too well in this corporate jungle). It's also funny how all the negatives seem like virtues suddenly.

Very childish but that's me again with all my whims and fancies..

p.s: though not a technology freak, I am proud to have atleast one Apple device and be associated with this crazy man..

A post, just that..

I just don't like posting from a phone, you need to make it short and precise and that fluidity of thought goes missing in comparison to writing on paper. But at times one needs to make the best of circumstances and in my case, just give in to the urge of posting.

My latest is that I've been home for a week now and as much as I love to chat up with Ma, I do miss my time on my own, the contentment of my own space. I realise that "this time" will not come back, that things will change massively for me but somehow I am not ready to accept it. I am going by my usual philosophy- ignoring the problem for a long time and not thinking about it makes it go away.

The fact is that I am not ready to get married and knowing me, I never will be but this is the closest I will come to living my life the way I want to, with the person who knows me and accepts me with all my follies and tantrums (but am told people change) so I'll take the leap for me, for us. Also, as I often say, all these years made me realise what I DON'T want in a man and I am going by that so lets hope it works.

Am also guilty of reading Steve Jobs for months now but with about a 100 pages to go now, I've vowed to finish it today. It's a brilliant book that gives hope to people like me who lose temper in demand of perfection and then don't even feel apologetic about it. Way to go!!

I'll wind up saying that I miss here a lot and I'll try to be good and write more often, for no one's sake but mine..

A new beginning..

I am coming here after ages and a lot has changed in between. It has been a time with such mixed feelings that have left me totally overwhelmed and slightly breathless. I have been oscillating between feeling extreme happiness to anxiety attacks that have left me all teary many mornings.

There have been times when I have doubted my decision, wished back for my singular status, thought about the maybes, thought about my life had a waited a little longer, about what would I be feeling had it been with anyone else. I then go back to thinking what I have, how I can be myself, how I am loved and appreciated, how my parents and family feel and more importantly the actual contentment and solidity that I have always wanted and everything seems perfect.

Knowing myself, I know I will be fickle and difficult, that I will worry for every little thing, that it might take ages for me to trust and start giving back but the larger picture seems beautiful and the my inner voice, the one that I always listen to says it will be a fun ride.

So let the circus begin..

All for love..



A day at home with my little nephew..

                                             

A weak spot..

I read some spaces with a hint of envy in me. And though it may sound lame, the reason is that while they can be upfront and so vocal about how they feel and what’s happening in their lives, I have to beat about the bush or better still, not write about it at all. Reason being, I happen to know certain people who read my space with whom I would rather not share what’s happening in my life.

I may also be asked why I cannot put those very thoughts that I fear sharing so much in my journal to which I would say that I do, but there is something about here that pushes me to put thoughts into words that I cannot anywhere else and more importantly, my ego takes over and I get this bug saying that it is MY space after all, last minute and I back off. Then again, this is a blog, a forum where people will read what you write and you have that option to password protect it but I don’t do any of that. It’s like contradicting my every action/ statement.

On an altogether different note, I can no more stand that double standards of it all at my workplace anymore. It’s like you take one step forward and you are pulled back two steps back. No matter how much I love what I do, the unfairness of it all is creeping in and I am at the end of my tolerance limit, one nudge and I might crumble, but not without a fight..

A mother's wisdom..

Ma said "agar insaan main bhoolne ki shakti nahi hoti toh woh paagal ho jaata", if humans did not have the power to forget, we would have all gone insane.

And I realised that wisdom can come in any form or time, this time while she was trying to console me that eventually my pain would ease up and I wouldn't remember of it like I do now. The memory would be there but not the actual feeling.

And I thought, how we always wish to hold on to some moments. It's apparently well said: be careful what you wish for..

Absyss..

I am a very healthy person, rarely do I fall sick. I don't even succumb to common cold or fever. However, every few years I catch some disease that make me end up in the hospital.

This is one such time. I had a surgery yesterday that was excuriatingly painful and I am glad it's over. The hospital is no fun and I feel like a parasite, asking my mother for every little thing, even to take me to the bathroom, and it's sooo embarassing.  

Letting off some heat by writing this one and hoping to get back to normalcy soon.

P.S: I realised that I am crazy about my mum, while in the OT, all I could think was how all my pain would go away the moment mummy held my hand, and magically it did.

Another one to prove how stupid I am..

I have always dreamt of being treated like china by the man I end up with: to be spoilt rotten, to be loved despite my selfishness, my self centred behaviour, even for him to be slightly awed by me.

And I was, I got all that and more but failed to recognise its worth and let it pass. I fail to understand why I realise the value of a person when things are irretrievable and then wish every second that I should have..

A question..

Is it worth being with someone who makes you feel small, mediocre and not good enough, especially when you have no real commitment towards him/ her?

My mother says that it’s all in our head and our generation is too demanding. I wonder if this is true..

A new dawn..

I have a strange feeling these days, as if I am on the brim of something new (and I pray I am). It’s like autumn in my life, a rather prolonged one and I can smell spring around the corner.

The funny part is that I have no reason to say above. My life is rather bleak with nothing going on and I feel gloomy all the time. My work sucks to the core and there is not an inkling of a new job or a new boy in the horizon, two aspects that dominate my life currently. But still there seems a shift happening, inexplicable but its there. There is something that’s prompting me to tie lose ends, to cut off ties that are holding me only because they are just a habit, relationships that give me more pain than joy and I hope that I get courage enough to do that.

I wait for rains in this scorching heat and hope that my life too will blossom with that downpour.

I can’t help but pray..

A birthday gone by..

This one’s been in my draft the day after I turned 30, on June 4th (here I admit my age!!).

I made no plans with friends this birthday. I somehow thought that getting to this number required me to sober down so I didn’t go out anywhere, that and plus it was a Monday.

I was hoping that hitting this age would miraculously change things for me. I would calm down, be less restless, not lose my temper at every little thing, be more in control of the situation, act more sensible, behave mature, carry myself with more elegance and poise (rather than my shambled self), stop dressing in denims and tees to work or rather shorts and tees more often than not, stop pining over things I can never have, shop less, save more; the list is endless.

I assumed that I would wake up the next day to my better self and it would be like enlightment the Buddha way. But none of that happened!!

I am still how I was, still care about people’s opinions of me that I would never admit, still feel bad about being rude to anybody and doing a pitiful job of trying to make up; still addicted to romance and mush without frills, still miss love from my life and still make mistakes that I always have. My dressing has not under gone any change and so haven’t my shopping habits; my family still rules over everything else and I am still not willing to succumb to the pressure of getting married until I find the right person for me, even at the cost of being called choosy/ rigid and what not.

Some things never change, never will and then I have to live upto my reputation of being stubborn..

As mothers will be mothers..

It is surprising how people who don’t know you at all, have never met you, know all about you. My parents have been going to every astrologer possible in the hope that they’ll tell them something about my future and came across this guy who’s caused my mother worry.

He told her that I keep things to myself, that no matter how worried or upset I am about anything, I will not talk about with it; and weirdly, that’s how I am. I just don’t discuss my most aggravating problems with anybody (mostly), I simply cocoon myself till I am able to cope with the situation and then that’s it. It is not that I don’t want to, but I think unless somebody is able to find a solution, there just seems no point. And then I have this space where I can write about things and get the sort of contentment that talking does not provide.

I think it is also a sort of self preservation mechanism, when I discuss anything, it just seems more real and pretending that the problem does not exist is an easier and maybe even an escapist way of dealing with things.

On the hindsight, it has caused my mother worry. Now I get a call every night and whenever I sound even faintly non chirpy (which is usual since I am dead tired after work), the conclusion is drawn that I am worried about something and hiding it. And since mothers will always be mothers, our conversations begin and end with her asking me consistently what’s bothering me and quoting me the astrologer every time I answer saying nothing..

As if it matters..

Today I have a lot to say.

Litmus Test: It will be that moment for me, the one that I’ve thought about a zillion times in my head and never been able to predict my own reaction. This moment will define the kind of person I am to myself and whether I will look back and feel pride or end up justifying my actions for the rest of my life (to myself).

Prediction: My visit home was funny. I was called an egoist, sarcastic and stubborn and it was communicated to me in the nicest way possible. Inspite of the detailed explanation, I am unable to comprehend the meaning of ego in my own context.

Realisation: I read Melee’s space and realized a thing or two. I have listed a fair number of qualities that I admire about a man; intelligence, chivalry and sense of humour and then she summarized it all in one word: kindness. I think that’s the most endearing of all qualities, the most heartwarming and a lot can be ignored for this particular trait.

Above is the perfect example of a lot of noise and little content, a work habit that seems to be reflecting in the other areas of life my too..

P.S: I wrote this last evening and where the test was concerned, I failed with shining colours. But since I am a pro at not thinking about what I do not want to, I will simply ignore the whole matter.

A little more about myself..

I have always assumed myself to be a sorted person, the way I react to things, the little shrewdness that I presume I have. I have thought myself to be the right blend, of emotions, family values and professionalism. I have been brutally honest and thought it has worked for me at places and always supposed that people, my family have a certain amount of respect for me and maybe, just maybe been proud of me at times.

Whenever I’ve been around my family or friends, I’ve thought that what I say has matterered to them in some way; that I am unbiased and very subjective about people, even my relatives.

Apparently, I’ve been wrong. The mirage was broken by someone when she said that I react to situations very impulsively, that my opinions about people vary based on the situation and somewhere (though I hate to admit as much), it is true. It’s like reality has hit you on your face and knowing that it is true, you just have to accept it.

The issue is that I don’t like this about myself and I will have to change but then don’t know how. I no more trust my reactions to situations around me. I definitely don’t want to involve myself in the family politics, I refuse to be a part of it but I can’t see how not.

Balance is the key maybe, or silence and I chose to go for the latter, not matter how tough that might be or whether I may possibly be perceived in the wrong light.

Just need to stop reacting..

A myth or not..

Since I’ve begun reading or watching movies, love and romance have been the central theme. I have always liked movies and books that involved friendship or romance in them, a fact that I’ve always tried to deny.

I have cried when true love is actually found or even lost, when friends have realised they love each other; and then smiled, even laughed aloud at parts in books when the hero proposes the heroine and she agrees to marry him. I have felt giddy with expectation at the build up of their first kiss and at times (I know super silly of me!!) even related myself to the characters, imagining the male protagonist being the guy I’d be fancying at that point of time.

However, lately I am seeing myself getting disillusioned day by day. I see myself coming closer to the thought that true love and romance is maybe just a myth and there is perhaps no right way around it. Some books/ movies show the girl going all out for the guy and they live happily ever after, others show a non-interested girl whom the guy woos and they the happys are repeated. But none of them show that after a while either or both of them simply lose interest or even though one person is still madly in love, the other has a happily after with someone else.

Now I think that maybe love is all big illusion and the practical aspects like if the girl is beautiful or not or the guy is well settled pretty much dominate the scene. And getting used to this harsh reality is taking a while to seep in.

But since the emotions love outbeats any other emotion in the world, I will not give up, at least for a little while more..

Affirmation of how it is to be..

Sometime ago, I lost something most precious to me. I know it was bound to happen sooner than later and that I couldn’t have it forever. The fact is that the moment I got it, with it came the truth about the non-permanency of it.

I think there are these things that you get in life, maybe because that’s what you need then or because how badly you’ve wanted them for years. God gives them to you with an expiry date, the difference is that there’s nothing mentioned and you have to keep guessing when it’ll be lost. The worst is to lose them suddenly and it’s terrible, like somebody has punched you in your stomach and though the hurt doesn’t show, it has weakened you beyond doubt. The other aspect would be that you understand how much hurt you are capable of bearing and surprisingly, you’ve always been underestimating yourself. Luckily for me the pain was gradual, it was breaking and I could see it so the loss was expected.

The question is: Was it worth having while you did or you were better of living in ignorance the amount of joy life is capable of giving you. There is no specific answer that I have for it; just that I smile when I think of it and I guess that is enough. And I also wonder, maybe I’ll find it again, in a different form and if I’ll be up for getting tempted this time..

Along came the conversation..

Last night’s conversation was such a déjà vu moment for me. I’ve known this person all my life, like literally. He could qualify as my “chaddi buddy”, as we call it. Though we weren’t pals really but obviously being bought up together, in the same environment, with the exact set of values makes me relate to him in a way that I wouldn’t with others.

We had lost touch for the longest of time. He moved out for his +2 and then stayed out while I went to NIFT, never to come back. I did hear about him off and on but that was it. And now when I think back, I don’t even remember how we got each other’s current numbers. Anyways, he visited Delhi last year, we caught up and ended up chatting until the wee hours, and I don’t remember laughing as much for the longest of time.

Now we catch up once a while online and it is always fun. Last night, as usual the topic moved to marriage and I realized how similar our families were. They respected us as adults and it was sort of an eye opener along with a sinking feeling of your precise thoughts being echoed, across the internet in this case.

While talking to him I got to know that he had an aversion to curd like I had for ketchup, how he still remembers all the landline numbers of those times of all uncles and aunties in the group which completely freaked me out. And I remembered all the numbers of the cars we have ever had. It was like going back to those early days, just so funny but amazing.

And then he said that at times marriage was just a “leap of faith”, something that I had heard from someone a long time ago. Last time as advise, this time merely voicing a thought and both times it never failed to hit its mark..

Am tired..

The one thing that is more loathsome than anything else is loneliness and it makes you do such things that you wouldn’t have imagined yourself doing a few years back. Not only do you sabotage your ego and pride, but hassle about people who don’t give a rat’s ass to you, and all of it to fill that huge void in you that just does not seem to disappear.

And you don’t end it even though you know you should, you carry on taking that agony, pain and humiliation for the fear of feeling lonely again, for the hope of being accepted.

If only I could kill this need within me, it would be so much simpler..

Appetite for books..

Because books affect me in such a manner that movies just don't, I saw the movie "One Day" and then read the book. And maybe because I am a sucker for humour and romance and friendship (no matter how over rated concept that might be), I fell in love with the book and a bit of the movie too.

I highly recommend it and promise a longer post on this one, because right now I am stuck with work and as usual, not complaining..

All confused and then some more..

A few days ago I had this big argument with some friends, they on one side, me alone on the other. They  justifying themselves, the labels and I vehemently stuck to my side of things. My definitions were as below while what they said usually diverted to care or affection or bordering love. According to them, everything came from being attracted to a person, even the one night stands and I somehow couldn’t agree. Though I do realize that attraction is the key but in today’s age, I see people doing all sorts of stuff, just for the heck of it.

So here’s my confused list of the possible names that we give to our relationships:

•  Attraction: When you see somebody and or maybe talk and realize chemistry. 
• Crush: When you like somebody for a tiny bit, for the lamest reasons possible.
• Infatuation: The crush lasts longer and you see yourself thinking about them.
• Dating: This one confuses me. Is it like going out with someone but not exclusively or is it. And is it deciding if you want a future with that person while you are dating him/ her. And while you are dating somebody, does that mean he/ she is your girlfriend/ boyfriend.
• Fling: If you are serious while you are dating then it is not a fling and if you aren’t, it is a fling. Is that how it is?
• Affair: This may be illicit or you are actually dating that person and serious about him/ her.
• Seeing someone: Does this necessarily mean that you are officially seeing somebody or is it same as dating?
• Engaged: Now I know this one is official, like you are with somebody you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
• Married: You are together and you’ve thrown a huge party to declare that.

Now in all of the above, what is the “name” of that relationship where two people are in love with each other? I mean none of the above tags suggest that you love that person. When you are in love, you say that you are in love (and loved back) but is there a specific name that defines it..

Or maybe there is and I don’t even know of it, just brilliant..

After all, I gave in..

All these years have never seen me exercising. An odd skipping for a while, maybe some stretching and weights at home but never “going” to a place and working out. Gyms scare me, I feel as if there is a fashion marathon going on against which I just cannot compete. Everybody looks too fit and beautifully dressed as if they’ve not come to sweat it out but socialize and party and I am too lazy to bother. Once one of my friend took me to his gym, negotiated prices, even arranged me a trial session but I never went back again, that place made me nervous.

In fact until lately, any place that had a lot of people exercising together seemed like a nightmare to me. I think I get very self-conscious and it looks like everybody is just focusing and staring at me. However, lately I had been feeling very lethargic and emotionally drained and for once instead of being an escapist I decided that I just had to do something.

My neighbor had mentioned some yoga classes happening near my place and I looked out for it and went to speak to them. The teacher/ gentleman told me that I could join in and since there was a beginner’s class that very day, he asked me to come in another 15 minutes time. I rushed back home, changed and attended the class that I surprisingly enjoyed very much. And then I went in for the second class too and again it was super. The environment is so simple and there is certain amount of decorum that you tend you get serious about it. Also, because you see people actually working hard to get the asanas right, you are automatically motivated to give it your best, push yourself a little more and endure that nice pain that comes when you realize that there are muscles that you have never noticed before. And the best part is I feel physically tired after ages.

Maybe had I not immediately joined the programme, I would have changed my mind and perhaps it’s important to be spontaneous at times, you never know how pleasantly surprised you can be. Too early to say probably, but this one looks promising..

As it was to be..

He’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember. One of the few who’ve lasted this long as clearly I am not an easy person to be with and definitely not good at keeping friends. I always mess up somehow and have nobody to blame but me.

I’ve been going to him with my problems/ joys and sorrows and he’s always known a solution. When there isn’t one, he says the exact words that I’ve wanted to hear at that point of time. I cannot say that what he’s told me is always in my favour but it is so factual that it makes perfect sense to me. There have been harsh words but the tone so straightforward and concern always genuine.

Lately our circumstances have changed. There are things and people that have tied him down and swayed the direction of our friendship. Now with certain issues he is less upfront and honestly, it hurts. He’s kept me grounded for the longest of time and lately I’ve felt my momentum quivering.

I know it is no fault of his, I realize he couldn’t have helped it and this situation is not what he too might be finding ideal but that’s a choice he’s had to make to get on with life. Knowing how he is, he will never crib or complain but just get on with it. And no matter how close we are, I will never go and speak to him about it beacuse even if he may want to, he cannot do much about it.

This is how it will remain and that’s how I will lose one of the most precious person in my life..

A time to make changes..

I have often wondered what peace means and something that Ani wrote triggered it off. I guess peace is a relative term and while you might still be at peace after a big fight at work but a small personal issue may make you restless.

Let’s get more personal here, like always. When I question myself when I am at peace, there is just one answer that pops into my head, when I am happy in my personal life, when I am loved and cared for by the people I care about and then everything sets a patterns and things flow smoothly. It’s like a cycle: I am happy, I behave nice, get my work done nicely, don’t lose my temper and get more efficiency out of people.

And while writing above I realize how the central theme has been all about affection and being cared for. Though I don’t owe any explanation, I am not in love but I have realized that it’s all that matters. The thought was pretty surface level and now it seems to be seeping in, slowly and steadily and hopefully to stay..

Mind games..

I have been wondering for a while now what it takes for two people to fall in love with each other.. Like truly fall in love, the movie types, the one which is not unconditional (maybe so) but real, the one that stands the test of time, the one with a happily ever after, the one where you are crazy about each other and it shows in your eyes.. What is that special element that binds two people together and I fail to get an answer.

When I reflect at my yester self, of the things that I wanted then, it was so different. I wanted an educated guy, well settled who respected my parents and me and lets me work. Earlier I thought that I wasn’t capable of anything too concrete, it made me nervous but now I am sure that I am and that I wouldn’t want to settle for anything else. So much has changed in the way I perceive things now. I feel if I actually like somebody, I would be more giving (contrary to my nature), I would be a lot more tolerant and willing to adjust more.. Now I don’t know what is simpler, I mean aren’t you supposed to get more realistic and practical instead of aiming for the moon and here I am doing precisely that, going backwards.

At the present all I need is love, tenderness and concern plus a person who makes me go crazy with laughter wouldn’t hurt either. If only..

About being home..

I go home ever so often now. By home I imply my place (in my head I am thinking my parents place but dismiss the idea instinctively) in Lucknow that I’ve been raised in. I was born, bred and brought up in that house and resided there for 17 years before I left for another city, never again to be a permanent resident. I am supposed to know the place like the back of my hand, be familiar with what goes where and be the most comfortable there. I shouldn’t get bored with no one around or keep looking for my mother and following her like a pup all over the place. But I don’t. I do crave home but want to get back to my space after a while.

My mother has painstakingly made sure that nothing changes for me when I go home. My toothbrush still occupies the space in that ceramic basket in my parent’s bathroom (I’ve never used the one attached to my room till date), my towel is hung on the third hook behind the door like always and a closet full of clothes that I left behind when I moved out to study. She knows how these little things matter to me and give me that sense of warmth and familiarity and she has never let them change.

That day after staying home for a long time and flying back in the evening, I happened to comment how I was looking forward to going back “home” and relaxing. My mother who was helping me pack suddenly went quiet and the smile vanished. When she couldn’t refrain herself, she asked me in that hurt but trying to fix it up voice, “isn’t this home anymore?” and could have died then for that awful mistake I had made.

I think having lived alone has done this to me that I am never perfectly at ease apart from when I am not on my own. I hate it for a few days when I come back from home or being around a lot of people but with it there is also a relief as if something that had gone dormant is breathing again. At times I even miss my parents so much that I just fly home on a whim but I cannot see a perfect solution to my situation. I cannot figure out how I can I be with my parents and still get the solace that I find in my current surroundings.

Guess there is nothing like having your cake and eating it too..

A story..

I love beautiful pictures. And I just don't love anything but usually the ones connected to everyday lives, laughter, smiles, close ups.. His is the kind of photography I relate to, it is so everyday and relatable and obviously beautiful. So one day while going through his pictures, I got so inspired that I decided to write my first ever story, based on one of his pictures.

Now, while I do read a lot of fiction, I am extremely poor in attempting to pen one but nonetheless, I will give it a shot. So here it goes:


One early morning while wandering through the by lanes of a popular ghaat (riverbank), I came across this colourful astrologer sitting majestically beneath his thatched umbrella on a raised platform. He was in his full ensemble with a white dhoti kurta and a forehead covered with freshly applied sandal wood paste. He exuded certain grandeur and gave the impression of a man with knowledge and skills. The way he sat with one arm on the back rail and the other on his knee stirred confidence within the observer.

Unable to resist my urge to know of my future and taken in with the whole façade and his demeanor, I decided to pay him a visit. Outside the board read, “50 rupaye mein apna bhavishya jaane” (know your future in rupees 50) and so I promptly went in. He ran his gaze from my head to toe, probably not used to seeing girls in denims/ tees with a big bag that I think he suspected with a lot of money.

I did my Namaste, sat down before him and gave him my best possible smile which obviously failed to hit its mark. He asked me what I wanted to know and I replied very lamely, “my future.” The look I next got was that of a moron being asked, “what in future, marriage, children, money, health…”, to which my reply was work. He gave me a sneer and said, “so you need to know about money na!!” and I argued back, “NO!! I want to know if I will be able to achieve what I want in my life and that money will follow.” I think I lost him in translation but understandably he did not want to give up and lose his 50 bucks so he tells me “you will get married this year.”

This time “I” gave him a sneer, groped for the money I owed him and walked away handing it to him. How stupid I was..

Good, bad, whatever, this is it.

P.S: It is fiction and nothing else. The picture is the property of Prashant Bhardwaj and must NOT be used anywhere without his permission, I took one..

Loss of direction..

The happy feeling has dissipated and instead is replaced by this ominous, scary bobbing of my heart.

And I wonder again where I am headed..

Opening up and trying..

At work today while trying to meet a deadline, I almost lost my temper at somebody but decided to keep quiet. I just nodded, shrugged my shoulders and left the place. This is not my usual style of responding to situations that upset me; I am extremely impulsive and react to things the very moment. Not saying that that I am very efficient, but I am organized and I do not look for shortcuts to resolve problems and that’s a trait that bugs me about people, especially in my line of work where you are heading for a disaster if you are not planned.

Anyways, the point I am trying to make here is that I feel myself changed after being here for two years. I have learnt to control my temper (the hardest way possible) and to keep my mouth shut in most of the situations and I feel good about it now. I can be arguing with a person on email and would be joking with the same when I come across him/ her right then. I’ve understood not to take things personally and appreciate that work is just that. I have become calmer and less restless.

And another thing has changed. Earlier, I was reluctant to do anything apart from footwear, I felt that it was my calling and I wouldn’t be as good at anything. Then with the footwear market diminishing due to the removal of anti dumping duties in China, I was practically forced to get into home products and I opposed fiercely. I would shrug off things to do in that category but constant push made me give in and I began doing it. Beginning from making a total fool of myself before suppliers and buyers alike, to telling them beforehand that I didn’t know anything to finally grasping the product and now even working out costing, I’ve come a long way.

It has made me realize that I can virtually do anything if I make up my mind and the moment I begin to understand it, I start loving it. In fact, now this attitude applies to a lot of spheres in life. It is mostly a question of knowing something and before long you’ll begin to like it because nothing can be bad without any good into it. It has given me so much confidence in myself, the belief that I will definately have a career path later in life because it wouldn’t matter what I am doing, and eventually I will learn and love it.

I feel free now and less scared of what future holds..

All in little time..

I seriously can't afford to take this kind of time out of work right now but the urge is too huge to ignore, so here I go.

I am feeling weird right now. I mean it's kind of sadist of me to feel happy about (what I am assuming)how it ended. I may even call it sickening but I just do not feel any guilt. It's difficult to explain but I'll try. I know what I am feeling is horrible, pathetic and disgusting and I am trying to feel bad about it, only because I am supposed to. In reality, I feel smug, even arrogant and strangely satisfied. On the hindsight, the very same,or even worst can happen to me. It's so confusing to oscillate between feeling happy/guilty and scared, all at once.

Another thing that I need to vent out: why can't people from my past just let my family and me be. They should just ignore that we exist and if somebody asks of us, simply say that they do not know us; I am sure my family would do the same. I think all relationships have a certain amount or sanctity and by talking ill of them, you just destroy even the nicer bits.

That's all I got time for today..

Starting on a happy note..

Lately I’ve been writing a lot and that too not in my usual two liner style but with a lot of explanations and content (maybe not) and that’s how it will be for a while (again, maybe not).

The good news is that the last day last year was maybe one of the nicest I had. It was simple, I felt loved and cared for and that was all I could have asked. The trip was brilliant and I came back with little moments that I would hold close. After last year’s fiasco, I have a strange feeling that God is trying to make up for all the hard times that he has shown me (or is it just my arrogance). I also realize that time can heal so much and how I’ve always underestimated it. I feel very positive about the coming year on the personal front and I am at my securest and best behavior when I feel loved.

The end of the year saw me connecting with a lot of old friends. We did catch up once in a while but the heart to heart we had in our last meeting/ chat brought us closer. It was as if that bond which was not strong ever suddenly had some sort of tensile strength. I was also surprised to know that while I thought that the whole world was against me and all my friends gossiping about me, the fact was that they were concerned but never knew how to show. I had cocooned myself for a while now and it’s nice to come out and breathe.

On the negative side, I NEED to change my place of work. I’ve been told by a friend that getting good people/ good pay and good work is a myth and they can never happen simultaneously but things are at an odd now. While I just love my work, and the people might not be that bad either but I can see no growth at all. No matter how long hours I put in, the credit goes to somebody else and not getting acknowledged of what you’ve done is something I detest. Also, the pay isn’t that great when I compare it to the market standards and though it’s something I can ignore but this feeling of claustrophobia of not being able to speak for what’s rightfully mine is overwhelming. I am oscillating between sticking to this place where I’ve found a sort of comfort zone to risking it all for some newness and maybe more money.

I just cannot shirk of this sense of feeling happy about this year, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like that and I just pray to God to please please let it stay..

Signs of “growing up”..

This is not pessimism that is making me write below, just pure observation and thought..

- You don’t feel like going to the boisterous favourite club of yours; rather prefer a quiet place with a few close friends.
- Your circle of friends minimizes to a dot (well, mostly).
- There are tons of people online and none of them interests you to begin a chat with.
- Most of the holidays are spent going home rather than a vacation.
- The invites you receive are mostly from married people celebrating their anniversaries or their kid’s birthdays.
- You need a reason to laugh.
- You begin to understand the deal about solitary walks or alone time having coffee.
- When all younger people seem silly to you.
- When you want to dress up to feel young.
- The shop that begins to interest you more is Marks and Spencer’s instead of Punk.
- When you begin to turn around looking for the source of that loud laughter instead of minding your own business.
- You begin to feel less or no guilt about the things that would have killed you earlier.
- And when you begin to look back at school or college and get nostalgic about the days..

And since this happens to be the last post of the year, I couldn't be signing off without a BIG Happy New Year to everybody. May this year see all your wishes coming true- good, bad and the ugly ones too, till then..

In the name of equality..

I often read stuff on women equality and the likes and witness every other day how it is snatched/ hampered and how women are the only ones (usually) who make sacrifices.

I have been brought up in a family where women dominate the scene. My mother, though a housewife is one of the strongest lady I have come across and she has brought us in a very similar fashion, hugely contributing to my personality. We have been allowed to pursue the careers we have wanted, make our own decisions but never spoilt. My father told us early on never to expect any support from him where our education was concerned, no donations/ no recommendations. Also, because he was always travelling when we were young and limited means at our disposal, we had to do pretty much everything on our own. My mother did have to turn a deaf ear to the family when we went out to parties and had male friends but she was adamant to give us the maximum exposure possible and never feel threatened by the male specie. And because of the trust they invested in us, we have always known our boundaries and where to limit ourselves.

I happen to be extremely proud of the upbringing that I have had. We learnt to value things early on, from money to family ties and mostly getting our priorities in order. Now, I do live independently, I am single and my biggest fear is getting married to the wrong guy. I understand that “wrong” is relative, and people might call me demanding and choosy but a decision this big is something I am not willing to take because of sheer pressure. When I think of what I want in a person, I seriously don’t think I am over demanding. I just want a person who has a similar value system, in a family where women are giving their due respect and importance and their opinions considered while taking the larger decisions. A person who understands my ambitions and aspirations in life and acknowledges me as a person in my own right and lastly who respects my parents and family like he wants me to treat his. Unfortunately, with me comes a set of paradoxes and that gets tricky. I happen to have a traditionalist in me, who is ambitious but ultimately wants to be looked after, for whom family is of utmost importance and love and understanding form the focal point in life.

Now let’s see with all that I want, where I ultimately end up, rather begin at..

To have observed and felt..

Since past one week I have been commuting to work on cycle rickshaws and autos, if I am lucky. It is so cold that when the wind lashes on my face, I can feel water on my cheeks, my nose going red and the chill seeping despite all the warm clothing on me. It worsens when my feet get cold (I cannot wear socks ever, so no shoes too) and then a numbness penetrates and surprisingly it is a welcome feeling. Contradictory to it, all my senses get sharpened, especially my vision and hearing abilities and I begin to notice colours and sounds like never before.

Last evening, it was the peak of rush hour and while I sat on the rickshaw, I could hear people talking, a variety of horns beeping and vehicles screeching on the road. And strangely enough, there was a synchrony in this noise. There seemed to be a pattern, a sort of music you could hear without even concentrating. The orchestra was magical and it reminded me of the movie August Rush, horns..beep..horn horn.. abusive.. beep, horn, a cacophony of sounds, just awesome.

And how can I even begin to describe the sight. Yellow, green, silver, red and blues, all standing against the dark background of the black canvas that has gone misty. And the canvas had a spotlight too; the bright moon shone and made things vibrant yet mysterious, added an element of surprise merged with seductiveness of the night. It was breathtaking and for once I wished I could paint or take a picture that captured what I was witnessing right then.

I have always been a city person, preferring the noise, the dust and the traffic to calmness and serenity, the warmth of people you don’t even know to the isolation and cold of loneliness. It is often I have tried explaining my view point to people and have failed miserably. They don’t seem to understand what’s there not to like in peace and quiet, nature and beauty and I tell them that I can find all the peace I need inside my house, all the alone factor in the sanctuary of my room and it is this magical city that enthralls me..

P.S: Strangely enough, I have begun to write everything as a third person and then later have to change all the you’s to my’s.

Lines that have lasted..

They have stuck by me since I've read them. High time I posted these to save them forever.

“Nothing was in time. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholism, weight- lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Bach, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice.” Charles Bukowski, Women.

AND (with no relation whatsoever)

It’s true: Everyone needs a reason to stay alive- someone who justifies your existence. Someone who loves you. Not beyond all reason. Just loves you. Even just shows an interest. Even someone who does not exist, or isn’t yours. No, no! They don’t even have to love you! They just have to be there to love! Target for your arrows. Magnetic pole to drag on your compass needle and stop it spinning and tell you where you’re heading and ... Someone to soak up all the yearning. Geraldine McCaughrean, The White Darkness.

And their impact on me never alters..

Slow and steady, hopefully..

The self analysis mode is still on and I realised that I am a late bloomer. My reasons would be:

- I understand/ feel things much later than people around me have. And because of this I am perceived as slow,not something that I can contradict.
- I do love clothes and shoes and bags, the whole works. Despite of this, I keep using that bag till it gets beyond repair, wear one watch till it breaks down.
- Fashion. Though I would love to try the latest and new and am even aware of it, I wear that newness when it is in the crutches, swaggering finally before it dies a slow death.
- Even if I buy something new and upbeat, I stock it up in my wardrobe, get used to looking at it and think about how I can possibly pull it off before I wearing it to someplace. This is the reason I stick to classics and black.

Damn guts..

Emotional rollercoaster..

It is time that she withdrew, if only to keep the integrity intact.. And then she oscillates between the facts:
- if she has the strength
- knowing that she does
- if she is doing it to get that momentary attention, and being sure that it’s not worth it.
- or if it is not worth bothering and letting things be as they are.

So much drama, and all out of sheer boredom..

Inevitable..

I think after a while you start letting go. You begin to show the world what you are actually made up of instead of shying away from it like you have all your life. You begin to accept more of yourself and learn to live with it. And the best part is that it does not scare you. You reconcile with the fact that this is how you are and this is how the people will have to accept you, like it or not. Maybe you even get adamant to an extent of being so true that the urge of being liked as you are is overwhelming and you possibly couldn’t settle for anything less.

And I believe that happens because you are not scared of being hurt anymore, not worried about people judging you or bothering with what they think of you. You have already been injured so many times, looked down upon, bickered and bitched about that you have just stopped caring.

Although it sets you free but there’s a price to pay. You get cynical and cold and I guess that is what they mean by growing up..

Malnourished..

I feel affection deprived,
I feel like soaking all the love and being spoilt rotten..

That's how it is..

Its been a long long time since I have been out of the dating scene and honestly speaking,I don't miss it. I just don't want to "see" anybody anymore, play any mind games or after every argument think that it was the end of it. I don't want to restrict my happiness from one phone call to another or try behaving like I am expected to.

Now can I have something much more concrete please, rock solid and permanent and non-wavering. I want dependability and real romance and peace and having fun and arguments with equal ease. And then I want real conversations, and a hand on the small of my back when we are together. I want somebody to travel with and not grope for company everytime and I want to talk about books and keep talking insistently without the fear of being perceived as a moron.

I want all of this and some and if somebody thinks that I am aiming for the moon, I couldn't care less..

Just little things..

No matter how much you ignore, it’s a fact proven time and again.. It is always the same who makes sense, only the one who makes you happy from within. Life becomes nicer with a single conversation and you feel so good about yourself that people around notice the gleam in your eyes even the day after.

This is how it has been, for years.. And this is how it shall always remain, a fact that needs to be accepted but done nothing about..

Silly..

It has always been Calvin and Hobbes for me..

Innocence..

Right now I want to feel all thin and sexy and beautiful and happy.
I want to wear the brightest of colours in one T, so bright that it hurts the eye. All fuchsia’s and greens and blues and yellows, all in one.

Right now I want to team this up with that nice little denim skirt that brings out that T with bright forals and wear the pretty gold sandals that make me feel all young.
I want to wear no make-up and pretend I am my teenage self who cared about getting it all right but didn’t know how to.

Right now I want to feel stupid and immature again who did not judge people the moment she met them, who took people at their face value.
I want to go and have a crush on a guy for no reason or logic but only because he can make me laugh.

Right now I want to be the girl who envied others for being so calm, methodical and self assured while she was going all wild and crazy.
Right now, I want to wear brights again, right now I want to be young again..

The old timers..

Three friends meeting after a long time. We are standing on the balcony of the married friend’s place. The house is in an isolated area of the city, on the sixth floor and though you can see some lights, its mostly dark and quiet with only noises of silence.

S1 is looking out, back towards me with both hands spread out on the railing, S2 is sideways with one hand on the railing and me on the threshold of the balcony, legs crossed, head resting on the door. We don’t say anything for a while, and its not awkward. Then S1 says how scared he is of loneliness and how he feels college should never have ended. He lives in Bombay and calls people to his place all the time because he cannot bear to be alone. Goes on saying how he can never live in a quiet place like this.

S2 is the married one. His wife cooked for us and while we ate, she was serving hot rotis (she knows how good food deprived we are, always). Now she eats with her brother and has left us alone to be. S2 says that he chose this place because it reminds him of the Chennai house where S1, T ans him lived together.

I remember that place. We stayed over when we had assignments to complete and the boys couldn't stay over at the campus beyond a certain time. It was a dirty, stinky place with a banana tree outside. But mostly I remember it because every few weeks T would come complaining into the class saying that his Jockeys got stolen. One afternoon he was sleeping with his head on the table, a common scenario when we’d worked round the clock, I wrote his name on his underwear band. I later told him that I’d done it from preventing the thief to take them. He still holds a grudge against me for doing this and threatens me to avenge himself one day even now.

Anyhow, I remember us standing on S2’s balcony like it is a picture taken. The colours, postures everything so bright and vivid. And the silence, the peace and the need to not talk. It was magical.

Complimentary..

My latest purchase was a new laptop, finally.

After I had bought it, I just wasn't happy and I realised that it was just beacuse though I did get a fairly good deal, there was nothing "free" with it. I told the guy that feeling nahi aa rahi hai kuch naya kharidne ki, kuch toh free de do (I am not happy with my purchase just beacuse I haven't got anything free, atleast give me something with it), and he gave me a set of speakers which are pretty cool actually.

I guess the powers of persuasion/ begging and being a girl works well in most of the sitiuations..

Little acts of kindness..

I have been meaning to write this for a while now. Little and big things that strangers and friends did for me that left me all sweet and happy inside.

- Last Diwali I decided to take an evening train back to my home town. Since the roads are clogged during festivals, I decided to take the Metro to the station. I boarded it from its starting point but inspite of this, there was no place to sit. A boy was sitting across the place I stood. Two stations later, this guy offered me his seat since the compartment was beginning to get crowded. I refused saying that I’d be fine, I did not want to take advantage of being a girl when I scream equality. He insisted saying that I had no idea how uncomfortable it would get and made me take his place. When this guy was about to get off, he explained to me over and again at what station I needed to get off and genuinely sounded worried of my well being.
I wish I could bump into him sometime and thank him for his thoughtfulness.

- My car has developed a habit of getting punctured every few days. Sometime ago while getting out of work very late, I realized I had a flat tyre. I cannot change it myself so looked out for help and managed to find a driver. Not only did he help me but refused to take money even after insisting. It was not about the money here that made me happy but the unexpected surprise of somebody being so contrary to the behavior I usually expect.

- A few years ago when I was a little less arrogant and cynical, I had a fight with one of my closest friends. We had never really fought like that before and I was slightly mad at him. He sent me lucky bamboos at my workplace. The fact that he did not send me flowers and stuff (I get completely embarrassed by gestures like these at work) was so nice apart from the surprise that I got.

- My house had got painted and the painters had left the previous evening. I was dreading going back to my dirty apartment and organising that place after a late evening at work. As I reached and opened the door, I was so happy to see that everything was clean and arranged. Later I got to know that my maid had got her sister and they had spent hours getting things in order.

I am sure there would be many more if I begin recollecting but these form the top of my list.

Humour..

Being funny is so important to me..
I can get married to a funny man.

Secret effects..

My intuitions have been crazy strong these days,I just have to think that something might go wrong and it actually does.

Day before last, while driving to work I thought to myself that I hadn't had a punctured tyre for a while and in the evening, this is exactly what had happened.

The next thing was when last night I thought to myself how nice a buy my aircon was. I've had it for more than two years and it has never needed a repair. 3 o'clock at night it crashed.

I read The Secret (though I am no believer), some time ago and it said that the Universe transmitted your thoughts in form of events and you just have to believe. Though I can see the negative effect and still wait for the positive..

Vent..

I am worried. My work place is reducing it's stake in the footwear category and trying to get me into home products. And I hate it..

Inconsequential..

I just wanted to make a nonsensical list of a lot of stuff in my head, so here it goes:

- That torn picture I carried in my wallet for ages which wouldn’t make sense to anyone but me. I had it for years till my wallet got stolen.
- Delhi looks amazing at night from an airplane. The traffic looked liked lava flowing through streets, all brilliant and dazzling.
- Somebody can read you so well, it’s crazy.
- At times meaningless things can give you the most happiness.
- How you don’t think much of somebody and then you have that one conversation that shows how much a person has grown. And you realize it only because he did not call you when you requested him not to.
- Strangely enough, most of the times I put all my energy into something I can never have and yet it seems the most constructive thing I’ve done all day.
- The world moves such: with everybody having somebody on the hook.
- I’m not on Twitter. I think I will forget writing properly and let go of my blog, something that I don’t want to.
- Somebody told me that its books that find you and not the other way round, how apt.
- A quote I would like to save “It’s hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.”
- I want to go for a run so bad, just do some, any form of exercise to vent all the anger out.
- I now for real understand what nostalgia means, not just a good sounding word in the dictionary but much more than that. Looking back at school and then college, telling details to people who wouldn’t care less and wishing from your heart that you could get them back.
- It will all be alright eventually, a belief I cannot stop living by.
- I like consistency more than I am willing to accept.
- It’s been a while since I have been thinking about giving a face to this space, not a real picture but maybe just a shadow, an impression and for years I have not been able to find the right picture. Maybe I like it better like this, with no names, no faces, no identity.
- I don’t like clutter anywhere, be it home, my desk or my head. And that’s exactly how I feel right now, all cluttered.
- I don’t like bookmarking books, instead I read from 9-9. For example, read from 1-9 then 9-129, you get the drift.

Pretty much it..

Sister..

I had so much to write today and then my sister sends me this text: :"Was thinking of happy feelings and you were in most of them. Love you lots.". And then I forgot most of what I wanted to put down here and instead thought of all that she means to me.

Phase 1.
She is elder to me by six years but I am not sure it ever mattered. I will begin with the pictures we have together that somehow comprise of my earliest memories of her. Wherever we are together, she's holding me somehow, cuddling me, kissing me, holding my hand or my hair even, hand on the shoulder, the collar of my dress, just anything. And now when I see these pictures I realise how protective she has been of me, from so young to now.

Phase 2.
Then I remember her in her teens when constant fights were our daily ritual. We would argue, fight with hands and all and then her constant mood swings that I couldn't stand. She would study at night, with the television on and couldn't care less if I was sleeping or not. the room remained at its messiest best and I had to clean it every time when I had to study or sleep as I have always seemed to have had a cleaning disorder.
We also shared the same school and in case my rickshaw didn't turn up (we used to go in separate, she with her friends and me with mine), she would leave me to go on my own that included changing the shared tempos twice followed by a cycle rickshaw. Now I realise that it was my first lesson in independence and again like so many things, it came from her.

Phase 3.
After that I grew up and reached my teens. I was always a thin person, contrary to her. And because I was growing up and into sports, our mother never stopped me from eating anything,again contrary to her. On one hand while I was eating a bowl of chips and a whole slab of chocolate everyday, she was made to eat boiled food. Again fights happened and now I don't blame her.
Then she began going to parties and now I don't know why, she took me everywhere with her. The things that she was not allowed at her age, became acceptable at mine because she had already had my share of grievances and fights with our parents. We went out for parties, her friends became mine and mine hers. And when we came back late, she stood there to face the repercussion of coming after curfew hours.

Phase 4.
I got through NIFT and that's where my sister changed my life. She wanted to do this but while she was young, my father opposed to her studying outside the city. She did not let this happen to me. Very subtly, she and my mother persuaded my dad to let me go. And then I became what I am today.

So after all this, I just want to tell her that no matter how we fight still and have our own issues in our busy lives, she is part of all of my happy memories yesterday, now and even my future because if it had not been for her, I wouldn't be what I am today.

Ticktock..

Just realised that it has been six years of writing here,
Not too bad I would say..
Especially for a person like me,
Who likes to wither away..

State..

I don't want to write a negative post but I cannot think of anything positive and yet I can't help writing just for the heck of it..

Love..

So my two and a half year old nephew and I are lazing on the couch and talking and he tells me: "Mausi ki eyes mein Shauryaman Jain (his name)dikh raha hai," with an intensity only a kid as old can muster.

Probably the most romantic words somebody has said to me.

Space..

Once, a long time ago, my cousin commented this on one of my posts and now after all this while it makes the most sense to me.

"What goes round, comes round.So many times we limit our happiness by giving it a certain definition.Then we wait for it to prove true. Some lives are perfect circles, and others oblong shapes.It might not make sense to you but know that every unexplained curve in it is a perfect fit for another oblong piece lying there somewhere.You just need to stick out till you finish the puzzle."

Probably the nicest piece of advise somebody gave me.

And so I wait to find my perfect unexplained curve..

Spotless..

I know it has never been easy and never will be. Hopefully this one leaves me a little more humble, some more patient and lots more forgiving.

The last one hopefully, to get my slate clean..

Blessed..

I have been living on my own(as in alone) for close to three years now. My parents have been more than supportive of every decision taken, all the choices made. I need not write this but I love them so much that they are the only people, just thinking of whom can get me teary eyed and emotional. And I don’t get all worked up because I am a brilliant daughter, rather the contrary. I love independence, get selfish to the core at times, have more mood swings than a 16 year old and go to lengths to get my parents agree to what I want.

So basically, they have the most impossible deal on their hands, a girl who’s independent, moody and stubborn and yet they love me like they do. They hear my mildly upset voice over the phone and cannot sleep at night. God forbid if I hurt myself, or not well, one or both of them fly down, cancelling all their plans, pausing their own lives. They flex the general rules of the family to accommodate me since they understand what I would be comfortable in and what not, an example of which is that I wear tiny skirts in my hometown and what nots, I can go out late with friends the only condition being I must have a driver or one of them needs to pick me up. When my mother calls me in the evening, she sounds disappointed when she finds me at home and not out with friends or if I come back early I am questioned. I can always tell my parents whom I am with and where I am going to, be it movies or clubbing. The list is endless.

I don’t know why I am writing this, why I haven’t in all these years I have been at this space but something today makes my put how strong I feel about my parents here. How I keep realizing time and again how my sisters and I happen to be the focal point of their lives and me not being married yet happens to be the most pampered one.

I think I just cannot count my blessings enough..

Prayer..

I think everybody has different means to reach God and this space seems mine.
So I just bow and pray and hope that it will happen..

Sweet..

This Saturday as usual I was helping my maid clean the house. It is a weekend ritual where I get everything removed and all the nooks and corners are taken care off. This lady has been working at my place for years now and I trust her with a lot. Every Saturday she tells me about her family, the other places she works at and the people there, not in terms of gossip (I barely know anyone) but generally.

That day she was telling me how she had begun working at these apartments and the lady there wanted to hire her for her neighbour. Since the timings clashed with my place, she refused saying that she had been working at mine for years now and does not want to quit. She also told me that it had been her dream to work at one of these high rises, the reason being that she loves taking the elevator. She always wanted to and now she gets to take once twice a day, this with so much pride in her voice.

It was one of the sweetest things I heard someone say. I realised how innocent ambitions can be and how simple and somehow it gave me a different perspective to life.

View..

It is being told a million times, in mulitiple different ways, different contexts.
It is my biggest fear coming true and there is just one thing that can save the sitiuation and I so wish for it to happen, maybe even for all the wrong reasons, maybe right.
I guess I am selfish and disgusting and mean and I can't help but be like that..

Vision..

I read it on some one else's space and totally fell for it. Too worthy a phrase to lose it somewhere so I put this here:

"...All life is just a progression toward, and then a recession from, one phrase- 'I love you.'"

-The Offshore Pirate, F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Synonyms..

Volatile:
Unstable/ Unpredictable/ Explosive/ Hot-blooded/ Impulsive/ Fickle/ Capricious/ Hot-tempered

Capricious:
Changeable/ Whimsical/ Variable/ Unreliable/ Fickle/ Erratic

Fickle:
Indecisive/ Inconsistent/ Vacillating/ Picky

Vacillating:
Irresolute/ Of two minds/ Hesitant/ Dithering/ Wavering

Irresolute:
Undetermined/ Wishy-washy/ Cowardly

Wishy-washy:
Weak/ Spineless/ Spiritless/ Ineffectual/ Pathetic

Ineffectual:
Incompetent/ Unimpressive/ Unsuccessful/ Useless/ Hopeless/ Inadequate

Inadequate:
Insufficient/ Not enough/ Scarce/ Too little/ Derisory/ Laughable/ Poor

Derisory:
Pitiful/ Insulting/ Ridiculous/ Contemptible/ Mean

Ridiculous:
Ludicrous/ Preposterous/ Absurd/ Silly/ Unreasonable

Preposterous
Outlandish

Above was just a game I was playing to break the monotony of work and it made me realise what fun words can be and you never end from the point you start from (be it any sphere of life).

Volatile..

It's like a burden lifted and I do feel the vacuum but I am so so relieved.
Please please let it last..

Valentines..

The single most important man in my life wished me valentines and made my day: my Dad.

Stuck..

After this one, another life changer with the same friend and once again in a Chinese restaurant.

@#%$&: It is inevitable Sam. Sooner or later you will have to take a decision , make a choice and get into something permanent. The later you do, the lesser chances you might have to adapt to the situation easily.
Life is difficult. We will all have problems, it never will be perfect. But it is upto you to choose the happiness you prefer: financial, personal or professional. Would you rather have less money, a bad day a work but come back to a happy home.

Me: I know what you mean and I know the choice is an obvious one.
To myself: Leap of faith, that is all I will have to take.

Like the last one, this too has stuck by me and I am grateful that we had this conversation.

Surprise..

I finally got one, after more than two years of contemplating: I am talking about a tattoo.

I realised how fickle I can be whilst getting one, the artist had just done the outline and I screamed that I wanted it off and I absolutely hated it. He stopped right then and just stared at me while I calmed down and got my nerves back. Now I understand that it was not the tattoo that I hated but the whole idea of permanency. And the reason why I chose to go for one was to get something, anything permanent.

I have always run away from situations that call for commitment of any sort.
- When I make plans with friends, I always have a backup to get out of them.
- On my work side I know I can quit anytime and go back home.
- Hair cut: they grow again
- Any purchase: I can return or buy another one.
- Relationships (minus family): I don’t get into one and then I know that though it may hurt but I can chose to back off.

Considering above, this decision to get something as permanent on myself was a very big deal and I don’t regret it a bit. Hopefully, other similar life altering decisions will give me the same feeling. Ta..

And a very happy new year to all.

Simple..

Very recently my dad offered to buy me the much talked about Amazon Kindle and I refused. Can you believe it, yes I refused.

I am not a very techno savvy person, my laptop is turning six and my last purchase a year ago was my cell phone: Nokia E72 that I sincerely regret buying. I prefer using my Samsung Guru, the cheapest version available and the only so called gadget I would possible invest in would be a very very nice watch (if it can be called a gadget), for the simple reason that I would at least wear it 23.5 hours a day.

Anyways, coming back to books, the fact is that I love to read, going upto two books a week at times and spending Rs. 5000 a month on an average so buying a Kindle would be a sensible option but I love books too much to replace them with technology. I love their warm smell, I love scribbling on them, even doodling if a particular text reminds me of something. I love looking at the glossy paperbacks and making mistakes by judging them with just that. I love spending hours every weekend at the bookstore and realizing that the staff knows me by name now. I love cuddling up in the quilt with just my eyes popping out to read or sitting in the sun with tea and a book.

Basically, I love books too much to replace them with fibre and plastic and somehow looking back at my collection of books and trying to remember my memories associated to them is fun.

A regular long post after a long time, it feels good..

Slither..

I don't like being me right now: helpless, restless and all of that..

Startled..

Dad: I am going to say yes.
And I saw my whole life flashing before me.

I have often wondered how death is going to be and always imagined it coming as a relief. Now I almost know.

Sore..

It hurts so bad..