A birthday gone by..

This one’s been in my draft the day after I turned 30, on June 4th (here I admit my age!!).

I made no plans with friends this birthday. I somehow thought that getting to this number required me to sober down so I didn’t go out anywhere, that and plus it was a Monday.

I was hoping that hitting this age would miraculously change things for me. I would calm down, be less restless, not lose my temper at every little thing, be more in control of the situation, act more sensible, behave mature, carry myself with more elegance and poise (rather than my shambled self), stop dressing in denims and tees to work or rather shorts and tees more often than not, stop pining over things I can never have, shop less, save more; the list is endless.

I assumed that I would wake up the next day to my better self and it would be like enlightment the Buddha way. But none of that happened!!

I am still how I was, still care about people’s opinions of me that I would never admit, still feel bad about being rude to anybody and doing a pitiful job of trying to make up; still addicted to romance and mush without frills, still miss love from my life and still make mistakes that I always have. My dressing has not under gone any change and so haven’t my shopping habits; my family still rules over everything else and I am still not willing to succumb to the pressure of getting married until I find the right person for me, even at the cost of being called choosy/ rigid and what not.

Some things never change, never will and then I have to live upto my reputation of being stubborn..

As mothers will be mothers..

It is surprising how people who don’t know you at all, have never met you, know all about you. My parents have been going to every astrologer possible in the hope that they’ll tell them something about my future and came across this guy who’s caused my mother worry.

He told her that I keep things to myself, that no matter how worried or upset I am about anything, I will not talk about with it; and weirdly, that’s how I am. I just don’t discuss my most aggravating problems with anybody (mostly), I simply cocoon myself till I am able to cope with the situation and then that’s it. It is not that I don’t want to, but I think unless somebody is able to find a solution, there just seems no point. And then I have this space where I can write about things and get the sort of contentment that talking does not provide.

I think it is also a sort of self preservation mechanism, when I discuss anything, it just seems more real and pretending that the problem does not exist is an easier and maybe even an escapist way of dealing with things.

On the hindsight, it has caused my mother worry. Now I get a call every night and whenever I sound even faintly non chirpy (which is usual since I am dead tired after work), the conclusion is drawn that I am worried about something and hiding it. And since mothers will always be mothers, our conversations begin and end with her asking me consistently what’s bothering me and quoting me the astrologer every time I answer saying nothing..

As if it matters..

Today I have a lot to say.

Litmus Test: It will be that moment for me, the one that I’ve thought about a zillion times in my head and never been able to predict my own reaction. This moment will define the kind of person I am to myself and whether I will look back and feel pride or end up justifying my actions for the rest of my life (to myself).

Prediction: My visit home was funny. I was called an egoist, sarcastic and stubborn and it was communicated to me in the nicest way possible. Inspite of the detailed explanation, I am unable to comprehend the meaning of ego in my own context.

Realisation: I read Melee’s space and realized a thing or two. I have listed a fair number of qualities that I admire about a man; intelligence, chivalry and sense of humour and then she summarized it all in one word: kindness. I think that’s the most endearing of all qualities, the most heartwarming and a lot can be ignored for this particular trait.

Above is the perfect example of a lot of noise and little content, a work habit that seems to be reflecting in the other areas of life my too..

P.S: I wrote this last evening and where the test was concerned, I failed with shining colours. But since I am a pro at not thinking about what I do not want to, I will simply ignore the whole matter.

A little more about myself..

I have always assumed myself to be a sorted person, the way I react to things, the little shrewdness that I presume I have. I have thought myself to be the right blend, of emotions, family values and professionalism. I have been brutally honest and thought it has worked for me at places and always supposed that people, my family have a certain amount of respect for me and maybe, just maybe been proud of me at times.

Whenever I’ve been around my family or friends, I’ve thought that what I say has matterered to them in some way; that I am unbiased and very subjective about people, even my relatives.

Apparently, I’ve been wrong. The mirage was broken by someone when she said that I react to situations very impulsively, that my opinions about people vary based on the situation and somewhere (though I hate to admit as much), it is true. It’s like reality has hit you on your face and knowing that it is true, you just have to accept it.

The issue is that I don’t like this about myself and I will have to change but then don’t know how. I no more trust my reactions to situations around me. I definitely don’t want to involve myself in the family politics, I refuse to be a part of it but I can’t see how not.

Balance is the key maybe, or silence and I chose to go for the latter, not matter how tough that might be or whether I may possibly be perceived in the wrong light.

Just need to stop reacting..

A myth or not..

Since I’ve begun reading or watching movies, love and romance have been the central theme. I have always liked movies and books that involved friendship or romance in them, a fact that I’ve always tried to deny.

I have cried when true love is actually found or even lost, when friends have realised they love each other; and then smiled, even laughed aloud at parts in books when the hero proposes the heroine and she agrees to marry him. I have felt giddy with expectation at the build up of their first kiss and at times (I know super silly of me!!) even related myself to the characters, imagining the male protagonist being the guy I’d be fancying at that point of time.

However, lately I am seeing myself getting disillusioned day by day. I see myself coming closer to the thought that true love and romance is maybe just a myth and there is perhaps no right way around it. Some books/ movies show the girl going all out for the guy and they live happily ever after, others show a non-interested girl whom the guy woos and they the happys are repeated. But none of them show that after a while either or both of them simply lose interest or even though one person is still madly in love, the other has a happily after with someone else.

Now I think that maybe love is all big illusion and the practical aspects like if the girl is beautiful or not or the guy is well settled pretty much dominate the scene. And getting used to this harsh reality is taking a while to seep in.

But since the emotions love outbeats any other emotion in the world, I will not give up, at least for a little while more..

Affirmation of how it is to be..

Sometime ago, I lost something most precious to me. I know it was bound to happen sooner than later and that I couldn’t have it forever. The fact is that the moment I got it, with it came the truth about the non-permanency of it.

I think there are these things that you get in life, maybe because that’s what you need then or because how badly you’ve wanted them for years. God gives them to you with an expiry date, the difference is that there’s nothing mentioned and you have to keep guessing when it’ll be lost. The worst is to lose them suddenly and it’s terrible, like somebody has punched you in your stomach and though the hurt doesn’t show, it has weakened you beyond doubt. The other aspect would be that you understand how much hurt you are capable of bearing and surprisingly, you’ve always been underestimating yourself. Luckily for me the pain was gradual, it was breaking and I could see it so the loss was expected.

The question is: Was it worth having while you did or you were better of living in ignorance the amount of joy life is capable of giving you. There is no specific answer that I have for it; just that I smile when I think of it and I guess that is enough. And I also wonder, maybe I’ll find it again, in a different form and if I’ll be up for getting tempted this time..

Along came the conversation..

Last night’s conversation was such a déjà vu moment for me. I’ve known this person all my life, like literally. He could qualify as my “chaddi buddy”, as we call it. Though we weren’t pals really but obviously being bought up together, in the same environment, with the exact set of values makes me relate to him in a way that I wouldn’t with others.

We had lost touch for the longest of time. He moved out for his +2 and then stayed out while I went to NIFT, never to come back. I did hear about him off and on but that was it. And now when I think back, I don’t even remember how we got each other’s current numbers. Anyways, he visited Delhi last year, we caught up and ended up chatting until the wee hours, and I don’t remember laughing as much for the longest of time.

Now we catch up once a while online and it is always fun. Last night, as usual the topic moved to marriage and I realized how similar our families were. They respected us as adults and it was sort of an eye opener along with a sinking feeling of your precise thoughts being echoed, across the internet in this case.

While talking to him I got to know that he had an aversion to curd like I had for ketchup, how he still remembers all the landline numbers of those times of all uncles and aunties in the group which completely freaked me out. And I remembered all the numbers of the cars we have ever had. It was like going back to those early days, just so funny but amazing.

And then he said that at times marriage was just a “leap of faith”, something that I had heard from someone a long time ago. Last time as advise, this time merely voicing a thought and both times it never failed to hit its mark..

Am tired..

The one thing that is more loathsome than anything else is loneliness and it makes you do such things that you wouldn’t have imagined yourself doing a few years back. Not only do you sabotage your ego and pride, but hassle about people who don’t give a rat’s ass to you, and all of it to fill that huge void in you that just does not seem to disappear.

And you don’t end it even though you know you should, you carry on taking that agony, pain and humiliation for the fear of feeling lonely again, for the hope of being accepted.

If only I could kill this need within me, it would be so much simpler..

Appetite for books..

Because books affect me in such a manner that movies just don't, I saw the movie "One Day" and then read the book. And maybe because I am a sucker for humour and romance and friendship (no matter how over rated concept that might be), I fell in love with the book and a bit of the movie too.

I highly recommend it and promise a longer post on this one, because right now I am stuck with work and as usual, not complaining..

All confused and then some more..

A few days ago I had this big argument with some friends, they on one side, me alone on the other. They  justifying themselves, the labels and I vehemently stuck to my side of things. My definitions were as below while what they said usually diverted to care or affection or bordering love. According to them, everything came from being attracted to a person, even the one night stands and I somehow couldn’t agree. Though I do realize that attraction is the key but in today’s age, I see people doing all sorts of stuff, just for the heck of it.

So here’s my confused list of the possible names that we give to our relationships:

•  Attraction: When you see somebody and or maybe talk and realize chemistry. 
• Crush: When you like somebody for a tiny bit, for the lamest reasons possible.
• Infatuation: The crush lasts longer and you see yourself thinking about them.
• Dating: This one confuses me. Is it like going out with someone but not exclusively or is it. And is it deciding if you want a future with that person while you are dating him/ her. And while you are dating somebody, does that mean he/ she is your girlfriend/ boyfriend.
• Fling: If you are serious while you are dating then it is not a fling and if you aren’t, it is a fling. Is that how it is?
• Affair: This may be illicit or you are actually dating that person and serious about him/ her.
• Seeing someone: Does this necessarily mean that you are officially seeing somebody or is it same as dating?
• Engaged: Now I know this one is official, like you are with somebody you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
• Married: You are together and you’ve thrown a huge party to declare that.

Now in all of the above, what is the “name” of that relationship where two people are in love with each other? I mean none of the above tags suggest that you love that person. When you are in love, you say that you are in love (and loved back) but is there a specific name that defines it..

Or maybe there is and I don’t even know of it, just brilliant..

After all, I gave in..

All these years have never seen me exercising. An odd skipping for a while, maybe some stretching and weights at home but never “going” to a place and working out. Gyms scare me, I feel as if there is a fashion marathon going on against which I just cannot compete. Everybody looks too fit and beautifully dressed as if they’ve not come to sweat it out but socialize and party and I am too lazy to bother. Once one of my friend took me to his gym, negotiated prices, even arranged me a trial session but I never went back again, that place made me nervous.

In fact until lately, any place that had a lot of people exercising together seemed like a nightmare to me. I think I get very self-conscious and it looks like everybody is just focusing and staring at me. However, lately I had been feeling very lethargic and emotionally drained and for once instead of being an escapist I decided that I just had to do something.

My neighbor had mentioned some yoga classes happening near my place and I looked out for it and went to speak to them. The teacher/ gentleman told me that I could join in and since there was a beginner’s class that very day, he asked me to come in another 15 minutes time. I rushed back home, changed and attended the class that I surprisingly enjoyed very much. And then I went in for the second class too and again it was super. The environment is so simple and there is certain amount of decorum that you tend you get serious about it. Also, because you see people actually working hard to get the asanas right, you are automatically motivated to give it your best, push yourself a little more and endure that nice pain that comes when you realize that there are muscles that you have never noticed before. And the best part is I feel physically tired after ages.

Maybe had I not immediately joined the programme, I would have changed my mind and perhaps it’s important to be spontaneous at times, you never know how pleasantly surprised you can be. Too early to say probably, but this one looks promising..

As it was to be..

He’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember. One of the few who’ve lasted this long as clearly I am not an easy person to be with and definitely not good at keeping friends. I always mess up somehow and have nobody to blame but me.

I’ve been going to him with my problems/ joys and sorrows and he’s always known a solution. When there isn’t one, he says the exact words that I’ve wanted to hear at that point of time. I cannot say that what he’s told me is always in my favour but it is so factual that it makes perfect sense to me. There have been harsh words but the tone so straightforward and concern always genuine.

Lately our circumstances have changed. There are things and people that have tied him down and swayed the direction of our friendship. Now with certain issues he is less upfront and honestly, it hurts. He’s kept me grounded for the longest of time and lately I’ve felt my momentum quivering.

I know it is no fault of his, I realize he couldn’t have helped it and this situation is not what he too might be finding ideal but that’s a choice he’s had to make to get on with life. Knowing how he is, he will never crib or complain but just get on with it. And no matter how close we are, I will never go and speak to him about it beacuse even if he may want to, he cannot do much about it.

This is how it will remain and that’s how I will lose one of the most precious person in my life..

A time to make changes..

I have often wondered what peace means and something that Ani wrote triggered it off. I guess peace is a relative term and while you might still be at peace after a big fight at work but a small personal issue may make you restless.

Let’s get more personal here, like always. When I question myself when I am at peace, there is just one answer that pops into my head, when I am happy in my personal life, when I am loved and cared for by the people I care about and then everything sets a patterns and things flow smoothly. It’s like a cycle: I am happy, I behave nice, get my work done nicely, don’t lose my temper and get more efficiency out of people.

And while writing above I realize how the central theme has been all about affection and being cared for. Though I don’t owe any explanation, I am not in love but I have realized that it’s all that matters. The thought was pretty surface level and now it seems to be seeping in, slowly and steadily and hopefully to stay..

Mind games..

I have been wondering for a while now what it takes for two people to fall in love with each other.. Like truly fall in love, the movie types, the one which is not unconditional (maybe so) but real, the one that stands the test of time, the one with a happily ever after, the one where you are crazy about each other and it shows in your eyes.. What is that special element that binds two people together and I fail to get an answer.

When I reflect at my yester self, of the things that I wanted then, it was so different. I wanted an educated guy, well settled who respected my parents and me and lets me work. Earlier I thought that I wasn’t capable of anything too concrete, it made me nervous but now I am sure that I am and that I wouldn’t want to settle for anything else. So much has changed in the way I perceive things now. I feel if I actually like somebody, I would be more giving (contrary to my nature), I would be a lot more tolerant and willing to adjust more.. Now I don’t know what is simpler, I mean aren’t you supposed to get more realistic and practical instead of aiming for the moon and here I am doing precisely that, going backwards.

At the present all I need is love, tenderness and concern plus a person who makes me go crazy with laughter wouldn’t hurt either. If only..

About being home..

I go home ever so often now. By home I imply my place (in my head I am thinking my parents place but dismiss the idea instinctively) in Lucknow that I’ve been raised in. I was born, bred and brought up in that house and resided there for 17 years before I left for another city, never again to be a permanent resident. I am supposed to know the place like the back of my hand, be familiar with what goes where and be the most comfortable there. I shouldn’t get bored with no one around or keep looking for my mother and following her like a pup all over the place. But I don’t. I do crave home but want to get back to my space after a while.

My mother has painstakingly made sure that nothing changes for me when I go home. My toothbrush still occupies the space in that ceramic basket in my parent’s bathroom (I’ve never used the one attached to my room till date), my towel is hung on the third hook behind the door like always and a closet full of clothes that I left behind when I moved out to study. She knows how these little things matter to me and give me that sense of warmth and familiarity and she has never let them change.

That day after staying home for a long time and flying back in the evening, I happened to comment how I was looking forward to going back “home” and relaxing. My mother who was helping me pack suddenly went quiet and the smile vanished. When she couldn’t refrain herself, she asked me in that hurt but trying to fix it up voice, “isn’t this home anymore?” and could have died then for that awful mistake I had made.

I think having lived alone has done this to me that I am never perfectly at ease apart from when I am not on my own. I hate it for a few days when I come back from home or being around a lot of people but with it there is also a relief as if something that had gone dormant is breathing again. At times I even miss my parents so much that I just fly home on a whim but I cannot see a perfect solution to my situation. I cannot figure out how I can I be with my parents and still get the solace that I find in my current surroundings.

Guess there is nothing like having your cake and eating it too..

A story..

I love beautiful pictures. And I just don't love anything but usually the ones connected to everyday lives, laughter, smiles, close ups.. His is the kind of photography I relate to, it is so everyday and relatable and obviously beautiful. So one day while going through his pictures, I got so inspired that I decided to write my first ever story, based on one of his pictures.

Now, while I do read a lot of fiction, I am extremely poor in attempting to pen one but nonetheless, I will give it a shot. So here it goes:


One early morning while wandering through the by lanes of a popular ghaat (riverbank), I came across this colourful astrologer sitting majestically beneath his thatched umbrella on a raised platform. He was in his full ensemble with a white dhoti kurta and a forehead covered with freshly applied sandal wood paste. He exuded certain grandeur and gave the impression of a man with knowledge and skills. The way he sat with one arm on the back rail and the other on his knee stirred confidence within the observer.

Unable to resist my urge to know of my future and taken in with the whole façade and his demeanor, I decided to pay him a visit. Outside the board read, “50 rupaye mein apna bhavishya jaane” (know your future in rupees 50) and so I promptly went in. He ran his gaze from my head to toe, probably not used to seeing girls in denims/ tees with a big bag that I think he suspected with a lot of money.

I did my Namaste, sat down before him and gave him my best possible smile which obviously failed to hit its mark. He asked me what I wanted to know and I replied very lamely, “my future.” The look I next got was that of a moron being asked, “what in future, marriage, children, money, health…”, to which my reply was work. He gave me a sneer and said, “so you need to know about money na!!” and I argued back, “NO!! I want to know if I will be able to achieve what I want in my life and that money will follow.” I think I lost him in translation but understandably he did not want to give up and lose his 50 bucks so he tells me “you will get married this year.”

This time “I” gave him a sneer, groped for the money I owed him and walked away handing it to him. How stupid I was..

Good, bad, whatever, this is it.

P.S: It is fiction and nothing else. The picture is the property of Prashant Bhardwaj and must NOT be used anywhere without his permission, I took one..

Loss of direction..

The happy feeling has dissipated and instead is replaced by this ominous, scary bobbing of my heart.

And I wonder again where I am headed..

Opening up and trying..

At work today while trying to meet a deadline, I almost lost my temper at somebody but decided to keep quiet. I just nodded, shrugged my shoulders and left the place. This is not my usual style of responding to situations that upset me; I am extremely impulsive and react to things the very moment. Not saying that that I am very efficient, but I am organized and I do not look for shortcuts to resolve problems and that’s a trait that bugs me about people, especially in my line of work where you are heading for a disaster if you are not planned.

Anyways, the point I am trying to make here is that I feel myself changed after being here for two years. I have learnt to control my temper (the hardest way possible) and to keep my mouth shut in most of the situations and I feel good about it now. I can be arguing with a person on email and would be joking with the same when I come across him/ her right then. I’ve understood not to take things personally and appreciate that work is just that. I have become calmer and less restless.

And another thing has changed. Earlier, I was reluctant to do anything apart from footwear, I felt that it was my calling and I wouldn’t be as good at anything. Then with the footwear market diminishing due to the removal of anti dumping duties in China, I was practically forced to get into home products and I opposed fiercely. I would shrug off things to do in that category but constant push made me give in and I began doing it. Beginning from making a total fool of myself before suppliers and buyers alike, to telling them beforehand that I didn’t know anything to finally grasping the product and now even working out costing, I’ve come a long way.

It has made me realize that I can virtually do anything if I make up my mind and the moment I begin to understand it, I start loving it. In fact, now this attitude applies to a lot of spheres in life. It is mostly a question of knowing something and before long you’ll begin to like it because nothing can be bad without any good into it. It has given me so much confidence in myself, the belief that I will definately have a career path later in life because it wouldn’t matter what I am doing, and eventually I will learn and love it.

I feel free now and less scared of what future holds..

All in little time..

I seriously can't afford to take this kind of time out of work right now but the urge is too huge to ignore, so here I go.

I am feeling weird right now. I mean it's kind of sadist of me to feel happy about (what I am assuming)how it ended. I may even call it sickening but I just do not feel any guilt. It's difficult to explain but I'll try. I know what I am feeling is horrible, pathetic and disgusting and I am trying to feel bad about it, only because I am supposed to. In reality, I feel smug, even arrogant and strangely satisfied. On the hindsight, the very same,or even worst can happen to me. It's so confusing to oscillate between feeling happy/guilty and scared, all at once.

Another thing that I need to vent out: why can't people from my past just let my family and me be. They should just ignore that we exist and if somebody asks of us, simply say that they do not know us; I am sure my family would do the same. I think all relationships have a certain amount or sanctity and by talking ill of them, you just destroy even the nicer bits.

That's all I got time for today..

Starting on a happy note..

Lately I’ve been writing a lot and that too not in my usual two liner style but with a lot of explanations and content (maybe not) and that’s how it will be for a while (again, maybe not).

The good news is that the last day last year was maybe one of the nicest I had. It was simple, I felt loved and cared for and that was all I could have asked. The trip was brilliant and I came back with little moments that I would hold close. After last year’s fiasco, I have a strange feeling that God is trying to make up for all the hard times that he has shown me (or is it just my arrogance). I also realize that time can heal so much and how I’ve always underestimated it. I feel very positive about the coming year on the personal front and I am at my securest and best behavior when I feel loved.

The end of the year saw me connecting with a lot of old friends. We did catch up once in a while but the heart to heart we had in our last meeting/ chat brought us closer. It was as if that bond which was not strong ever suddenly had some sort of tensile strength. I was also surprised to know that while I thought that the whole world was against me and all my friends gossiping about me, the fact was that they were concerned but never knew how to show. I had cocooned myself for a while now and it’s nice to come out and breathe.

On the negative side, I NEED to change my place of work. I’ve been told by a friend that getting good people/ good pay and good work is a myth and they can never happen simultaneously but things are at an odd now. While I just love my work, and the people might not be that bad either but I can see no growth at all. No matter how long hours I put in, the credit goes to somebody else and not getting acknowledged of what you’ve done is something I detest. Also, the pay isn’t that great when I compare it to the market standards and though it’s something I can ignore but this feeling of claustrophobia of not being able to speak for what’s rightfully mine is overwhelming. I am oscillating between sticking to this place where I’ve found a sort of comfort zone to risking it all for some newness and maybe more money.

I just cannot shirk of this sense of feeling happy about this year, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like that and I just pray to God to please please let it stay..

Signs of “growing up”..

This is not pessimism that is making me write below, just pure observation and thought..

- You don’t feel like going to the boisterous favourite club of yours; rather prefer a quiet place with a few close friends.
- Your circle of friends minimizes to a dot (well, mostly).
- There are tons of people online and none of them interests you to begin a chat with.
- Most of the holidays are spent going home rather than a vacation.
- The invites you receive are mostly from married people celebrating their anniversaries or their kid’s birthdays.
- You need a reason to laugh.
- You begin to understand the deal about solitary walks or alone time having coffee.
- When all younger people seem silly to you.
- When you want to dress up to feel young.
- The shop that begins to interest you more is Marks and Spencer’s instead of Punk.
- When you begin to turn around looking for the source of that loud laughter instead of minding your own business.
- You begin to feel less or no guilt about the things that would have killed you earlier.
- And when you begin to look back at school or college and get nostalgic about the days..

And since this happens to be the last post of the year, I couldn't be signing off without a BIG Happy New Year to everybody. May this year see all your wishes coming true- good, bad and the ugly ones too, till then..

In the name of equality..

I often read stuff on women equality and the likes and witness every other day how it is snatched/ hampered and how women are the only ones (usually) who make sacrifices.

I have been brought up in a family where women dominate the scene. My mother, though a housewife is one of the strongest lady I have come across and she has brought us in a very similar fashion, hugely contributing to my personality. We have been allowed to pursue the careers we have wanted, make our own decisions but never spoilt. My father told us early on never to expect any support from him where our education was concerned, no donations/ no recommendations. Also, because he was always travelling when we were young and limited means at our disposal, we had to do pretty much everything on our own. My mother did have to turn a deaf ear to the family when we went out to parties and had male friends but she was adamant to give us the maximum exposure possible and never feel threatened by the male specie. And because of the trust they invested in us, we have always known our boundaries and where to limit ourselves.

I happen to be extremely proud of the upbringing that I have had. We learnt to value things early on, from money to family ties and mostly getting our priorities in order. Now, I do live independently, I am single and my biggest fear is getting married to the wrong guy. I understand that “wrong” is relative, and people might call me demanding and choosy but a decision this big is something I am not willing to take because of sheer pressure. When I think of what I want in a person, I seriously don’t think I am over demanding. I just want a person who has a similar value system, in a family where women are giving their due respect and importance and their opinions considered while taking the larger decisions. A person who understands my ambitions and aspirations in life and acknowledges me as a person in my own right and lastly who respects my parents and family like he wants me to treat his. Unfortunately, with me comes a set of paradoxes and that gets tricky. I happen to have a traditionalist in me, who is ambitious but ultimately wants to be looked after, for whom family is of utmost importance and love and understanding form the focal point in life.

Now let’s see with all that I want, where I ultimately end up, rather begin at..

To have observed and felt..

Since past one week I have been commuting to work on cycle rickshaws and autos, if I am lucky. It is so cold that when the wind lashes on my face, I can feel water on my cheeks, my nose going red and the chill seeping despite all the warm clothing on me. It worsens when my feet get cold (I cannot wear socks ever, so no shoes too) and then a numbness penetrates and surprisingly it is a welcome feeling. Contradictory to it, all my senses get sharpened, especially my vision and hearing abilities and I begin to notice colours and sounds like never before.

Last evening, it was the peak of rush hour and while I sat on the rickshaw, I could hear people talking, a variety of horns beeping and vehicles screeching on the road. And strangely enough, there was a synchrony in this noise. There seemed to be a pattern, a sort of music you could hear without even concentrating. The orchestra was magical and it reminded me of the movie August Rush, horns..beep..horn horn.. abusive.. beep, horn, a cacophony of sounds, just awesome.

And how can I even begin to describe the sight. Yellow, green, silver, red and blues, all standing against the dark background of the black canvas that has gone misty. And the canvas had a spotlight too; the bright moon shone and made things vibrant yet mysterious, added an element of surprise merged with seductiveness of the night. It was breathtaking and for once I wished I could paint or take a picture that captured what I was witnessing right then.

I have always been a city person, preferring the noise, the dust and the traffic to calmness and serenity, the warmth of people you don’t even know to the isolation and cold of loneliness. It is often I have tried explaining my view point to people and have failed miserably. They don’t seem to understand what’s there not to like in peace and quiet, nature and beauty and I tell them that I can find all the peace I need inside my house, all the alone factor in the sanctuary of my room and it is this magical city that enthralls me..

P.S: Strangely enough, I have begun to write everything as a third person and then later have to change all the you’s to my’s.

Lines that have lasted..

They have stuck by me since I've read them. High time I posted these to save them forever.

“Nothing was in time. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholism, weight- lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Bach, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice.” Charles Bukowski, Women.

AND (with no relation whatsoever)

It’s true: Everyone needs a reason to stay alive- someone who justifies your existence. Someone who loves you. Not beyond all reason. Just loves you. Even just shows an interest. Even someone who does not exist, or isn’t yours. No, no! They don’t even have to love you! They just have to be there to love! Target for your arrows. Magnetic pole to drag on your compass needle and stop it spinning and tell you where you’re heading and ... Someone to soak up all the yearning. Geraldine McCaughrean, The White Darkness.

And their impact on me never alters..

Slow and steady, hopefully..

The self analysis mode is still on and I realised that I am a late bloomer. My reasons would be:

- I understand/ feel things much later than people around me have. And because of this I am perceived as slow,not something that I can contradict.
- I do love clothes and shoes and bags, the whole works. Despite of this, I keep using that bag till it gets beyond repair, wear one watch till it breaks down.
- Fashion. Though I would love to try the latest and new and am even aware of it, I wear that newness when it is in the crutches, swaggering finally before it dies a slow death.
- Even if I buy something new and upbeat, I stock it up in my wardrobe, get used to looking at it and think about how I can possibly pull it off before I wearing it to someplace. This is the reason I stick to classics and black.

Damn guts..

Emotional rollercoaster..

It is time that she withdrew, if only to keep the integrity intact.. And then she oscillates between the facts:
- if she has the strength
- knowing that she does
- if she is doing it to get that momentary attention, and being sure that it’s not worth it.
- or if it is not worth bothering and letting things be as they are.

So much drama, and all out of sheer boredom..

Inevitable..

I think after a while you start letting go. You begin to show the world what you are actually made up of instead of shying away from it like you have all your life. You begin to accept more of yourself and learn to live with it. And the best part is that it does not scare you. You reconcile with the fact that this is how you are and this is how the people will have to accept you, like it or not. Maybe you even get adamant to an extent of being so true that the urge of being liked as you are is overwhelming and you possibly couldn’t settle for anything less.

And I believe that happens because you are not scared of being hurt anymore, not worried about people judging you or bothering with what they think of you. You have already been injured so many times, looked down upon, bickered and bitched about that you have just stopped caring.

Although it sets you free but there’s a price to pay. You get cynical and cold and I guess that is what they mean by growing up..

Malnourished..

I feel affection deprived,
I feel like soaking all the love and being spoilt rotten..

That's how it is..

Its been a long long time since I have been out of the dating scene and honestly speaking,I don't miss it. I just don't want to "see" anybody anymore, play any mind games or after every argument think that it was the end of it. I don't want to restrict my happiness from one phone call to another or try behaving like I am expected to.

Now can I have something much more concrete please, rock solid and permanent and non-wavering. I want dependability and real romance and peace and having fun and arguments with equal ease. And then I want real conversations, and a hand on the small of my back when we are together. I want somebody to travel with and not grope for company everytime and I want to talk about books and keep talking insistently without the fear of being perceived as a moron.

I want all of this and some and if somebody thinks that I am aiming for the moon, I couldn't care less..

Just little things..

No matter how much you ignore, it’s a fact proven time and again.. It is always the same who makes sense, only the one who makes you happy from within. Life becomes nicer with a single conversation and you feel so good about yourself that people around notice the gleam in your eyes even the day after.

This is how it has been, for years.. And this is how it shall always remain, a fact that needs to be accepted but done nothing about..

Silly..

It has always been Calvin and Hobbes for me..

Innocence..

Right now I want to feel all thin and sexy and beautiful and happy.
I want to wear the brightest of colours in one T, so bright that it hurts the eye. All fuchsia’s and greens and blues and yellows, all in one.

Right now I want to team this up with that nice little denim skirt that brings out that T with bright forals and wear the pretty gold sandals that make me feel all young.
I want to wear no make-up and pretend I am my teenage self who cared about getting it all right but didn’t know how to.

Right now I want to feel stupid and immature again who did not judge people the moment she met them, who took people at their face value.
I want to go and have a crush on a guy for no reason or logic but only because he can make me laugh.

Right now I want to be the girl who envied others for being so calm, methodical and self assured while she was going all wild and crazy.
Right now, I want to wear brights again, right now I want to be young again..

The old timers..

Three friends meeting after a long time. We are standing on the balcony of the married friend’s place. The house is in an isolated area of the city, on the sixth floor and though you can see some lights, its mostly dark and quiet with only noises of silence.

S1 is looking out, back towards me with both hands spread out on the railing, S2 is sideways with one hand on the railing and me on the threshold of the balcony, legs crossed, head resting on the door. We don’t say anything for a while, and its not awkward. Then S1 says how scared he is of loneliness and how he feels college should never have ended. He lives in Bombay and calls people to his place all the time because he cannot bear to be alone. Goes on saying how he can never live in a quiet place like this.

S2 is the married one. His wife cooked for us and while we ate, she was serving hot rotis (she knows how good food deprived we are, always). Now she eats with her brother and has left us alone to be. S2 says that he chose this place because it reminds him of the Chennai house where S1, T ans him lived together.

I remember that place. We stayed over when we had assignments to complete and the boys couldn't stay over at the campus beyond a certain time. It was a dirty, stinky place with a banana tree outside. But mostly I remember it because every few weeks T would come complaining into the class saying that his Jockeys got stolen. One afternoon he was sleeping with his head on the table, a common scenario when we’d worked round the clock, I wrote his name on his underwear band. I later told him that I’d done it from preventing the thief to take them. He still holds a grudge against me for doing this and threatens me to avenge himself one day even now.

Anyhow, I remember us standing on S2’s balcony like it is a picture taken. The colours, postures everything so bright and vivid. And the silence, the peace and the need to not talk. It was magical.

Complimentary..

My latest purchase was a new laptop, finally.

After I had bought it, I just wasn't happy and I realised that it was just beacuse though I did get a fairly good deal, there was nothing "free" with it. I told the guy that feeling nahi aa rahi hai kuch naya kharidne ki, kuch toh free de do (I am not happy with my purchase just beacuse I haven't got anything free, atleast give me something with it), and he gave me a set of speakers which are pretty cool actually.

I guess the powers of persuasion/ begging and being a girl works well in most of the sitiuations..

Little acts of kindness..

I have been meaning to write this for a while now. Little and big things that strangers and friends did for me that left me all sweet and happy inside.

- Last Diwali I decided to take an evening train back to my home town. Since the roads are clogged during festivals, I decided to take the Metro to the station. I boarded it from its starting point but inspite of this, there was no place to sit. A boy was sitting across the place I stood. Two stations later, this guy offered me his seat since the compartment was beginning to get crowded. I refused saying that I’d be fine, I did not want to take advantage of being a girl when I scream equality. He insisted saying that I had no idea how uncomfortable it would get and made me take his place. When this guy was about to get off, he explained to me over and again at what station I needed to get off and genuinely sounded worried of my well being.
I wish I could bump into him sometime and thank him for his thoughtfulness.

- My car has developed a habit of getting punctured every few days. Sometime ago while getting out of work very late, I realized I had a flat tyre. I cannot change it myself so looked out for help and managed to find a driver. Not only did he help me but refused to take money even after insisting. It was not about the money here that made me happy but the unexpected surprise of somebody being so contrary to the behavior I usually expect.

- A few years ago when I was a little less arrogant and cynical, I had a fight with one of my closest friends. We had never really fought like that before and I was slightly mad at him. He sent me lucky bamboos at my workplace. The fact that he did not send me flowers and stuff (I get completely embarrassed by gestures like these at work) was so nice apart from the surprise that I got.

- My house had got painted and the painters had left the previous evening. I was dreading going back to my dirty apartment and organising that place after a late evening at work. As I reached and opened the door, I was so happy to see that everything was clean and arranged. Later I got to know that my maid had got her sister and they had spent hours getting things in order.

I am sure there would be many more if I begin recollecting but these form the top of my list.

Humour..

Being funny is so important to me..
I can get married to a funny man.

Secret effects..

My intuitions have been crazy strong these days,I just have to think that something might go wrong and it actually does.

Day before last, while driving to work I thought to myself that I hadn't had a punctured tyre for a while and in the evening, this is exactly what had happened.

The next thing was when last night I thought to myself how nice a buy my aircon was. I've had it for more than two years and it has never needed a repair. 3 o'clock at night it crashed.

I read The Secret (though I am no believer), some time ago and it said that the Universe transmitted your thoughts in form of events and you just have to believe. Though I can see the negative effect and still wait for the positive..

Vent..

I am worried. My work place is reducing it's stake in the footwear category and trying to get me into home products. And I hate it..

Inconsequential..

I just wanted to make a nonsensical list of a lot of stuff in my head, so here it goes:

- That torn picture I carried in my wallet for ages which wouldn’t make sense to anyone but me. I had it for years till my wallet got stolen.
- Delhi looks amazing at night from an airplane. The traffic looked liked lava flowing through streets, all brilliant and dazzling.
- Somebody can read you so well, it’s crazy.
- At times meaningless things can give you the most happiness.
- How you don’t think much of somebody and then you have that one conversation that shows how much a person has grown. And you realize it only because he did not call you when you requested him not to.
- Strangely enough, most of the times I put all my energy into something I can never have and yet it seems the most constructive thing I’ve done all day.
- The world moves such: with everybody having somebody on the hook.
- I’m not on Twitter. I think I will forget writing properly and let go of my blog, something that I don’t want to.
- Somebody told me that its books that find you and not the other way round, how apt.
- A quote I would like to save “It’s hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.”
- I want to go for a run so bad, just do some, any form of exercise to vent all the anger out.
- I now for real understand what nostalgia means, not just a good sounding word in the dictionary but much more than that. Looking back at school and then college, telling details to people who wouldn’t care less and wishing from your heart that you could get them back.
- It will all be alright eventually, a belief I cannot stop living by.
- I like consistency more than I am willing to accept.
- It’s been a while since I have been thinking about giving a face to this space, not a real picture but maybe just a shadow, an impression and for years I have not been able to find the right picture. Maybe I like it better like this, with no names, no faces, no identity.
- I don’t like clutter anywhere, be it home, my desk or my head. And that’s exactly how I feel right now, all cluttered.
- I don’t like bookmarking books, instead I read from 9-9. For example, read from 1-9 then 9-129, you get the drift.

Pretty much it..

Sister..

I had so much to write today and then my sister sends me this text: :"Was thinking of happy feelings and you were in most of them. Love you lots.". And then I forgot most of what I wanted to put down here and instead thought of all that she means to me.

Phase 1.
She is elder to me by six years but I am not sure it ever mattered. I will begin with the pictures we have together that somehow comprise of my earliest memories of her. Wherever we are together, she's holding me somehow, cuddling me, kissing me, holding my hand or my hair even, hand on the shoulder, the collar of my dress, just anything. And now when I see these pictures I realise how protective she has been of me, from so young to now.

Phase 2.
Then I remember her in her teens when constant fights were our daily ritual. We would argue, fight with hands and all and then her constant mood swings that I couldn't stand. She would study at night, with the television on and couldn't care less if I was sleeping or not. the room remained at its messiest best and I had to clean it every time when I had to study or sleep as I have always seemed to have had a cleaning disorder.
We also shared the same school and in case my rickshaw didn't turn up (we used to go in separate, she with her friends and me with mine), she would leave me to go on my own that included changing the shared tempos twice followed by a cycle rickshaw. Now I realise that it was my first lesson in independence and again like so many things, it came from her.

Phase 3.
After that I grew up and reached my teens. I was always a thin person, contrary to her. And because I was growing up and into sports, our mother never stopped me from eating anything,again contrary to her. On one hand while I was eating a bowl of chips and a whole slab of chocolate everyday, she was made to eat boiled food. Again fights happened and now I don't blame her.
Then she began going to parties and now I don't know why, she took me everywhere with her. The things that she was not allowed at her age, became acceptable at mine because she had already had my share of grievances and fights with our parents. We went out for parties, her friends became mine and mine hers. And when we came back late, she stood there to face the repercussion of coming after curfew hours.

Phase 4.
I got through NIFT and that's where my sister changed my life. She wanted to do this but while she was young, my father opposed to her studying outside the city. She did not let this happen to me. Very subtly, she and my mother persuaded my dad to let me go. And then I became what I am today.

So after all this, I just want to tell her that no matter how we fight still and have our own issues in our busy lives, she is part of all of my happy memories yesterday, now and even my future because if it had not been for her, I wouldn't be what I am today.

Ticktock..

Just realised that it has been six years of writing here,
Not too bad I would say..
Especially for a person like me,
Who likes to wither away..

State..

I don't want to write a negative post but I cannot think of anything positive and yet I can't help writing just for the heck of it..

Love..

So my two and a half year old nephew and I are lazing on the couch and talking and he tells me: "Mausi ki eyes mein Shauryaman Jain (his name)dikh raha hai," with an intensity only a kid as old can muster.

Probably the most romantic words somebody has said to me.

Space..

Once, a long time ago, my cousin commented this on one of my posts and now after all this while it makes the most sense to me.

"What goes round, comes round.So many times we limit our happiness by giving it a certain definition.Then we wait for it to prove true. Some lives are perfect circles, and others oblong shapes.It might not make sense to you but know that every unexplained curve in it is a perfect fit for another oblong piece lying there somewhere.You just need to stick out till you finish the puzzle."

Probably the nicest piece of advise somebody gave me.

And so I wait to find my perfect unexplained curve..

Spotless..

I know it has never been easy and never will be. Hopefully this one leaves me a little more humble, some more patient and lots more forgiving.

The last one hopefully, to get my slate clean..

Blessed..

I have been living on my own(as in alone) for close to three years now. My parents have been more than supportive of every decision taken, all the choices made. I need not write this but I love them so much that they are the only people, just thinking of whom can get me teary eyed and emotional. And I don’t get all worked up because I am a brilliant daughter, rather the contrary. I love independence, get selfish to the core at times, have more mood swings than a 16 year old and go to lengths to get my parents agree to what I want.

So basically, they have the most impossible deal on their hands, a girl who’s independent, moody and stubborn and yet they love me like they do. They hear my mildly upset voice over the phone and cannot sleep at night. God forbid if I hurt myself, or not well, one or both of them fly down, cancelling all their plans, pausing their own lives. They flex the general rules of the family to accommodate me since they understand what I would be comfortable in and what not, an example of which is that I wear tiny skirts in my hometown and what nots, I can go out late with friends the only condition being I must have a driver or one of them needs to pick me up. When my mother calls me in the evening, she sounds disappointed when she finds me at home and not out with friends or if I come back early I am questioned. I can always tell my parents whom I am with and where I am going to, be it movies or clubbing. The list is endless.

I don’t know why I am writing this, why I haven’t in all these years I have been at this space but something today makes my put how strong I feel about my parents here. How I keep realizing time and again how my sisters and I happen to be the focal point of their lives and me not being married yet happens to be the most pampered one.

I think I just cannot count my blessings enough..

Prayer..

I think everybody has different means to reach God and this space seems mine.
So I just bow and pray and hope that it will happen..

Sweet..

This Saturday as usual I was helping my maid clean the house. It is a weekend ritual where I get everything removed and all the nooks and corners are taken care off. This lady has been working at my place for years now and I trust her with a lot. Every Saturday she tells me about her family, the other places she works at and the people there, not in terms of gossip (I barely know anyone) but generally.

That day she was telling me how she had begun working at these apartments and the lady there wanted to hire her for her neighbour. Since the timings clashed with my place, she refused saying that she had been working at mine for years now and does not want to quit. She also told me that it had been her dream to work at one of these high rises, the reason being that she loves taking the elevator. She always wanted to and now she gets to take once twice a day, this with so much pride in her voice.

It was one of the sweetest things I heard someone say. I realised how innocent ambitions can be and how simple and somehow it gave me a different perspective to life.

View..

It is being told a million times, in mulitiple different ways, different contexts.
It is my biggest fear coming true and there is just one thing that can save the sitiuation and I so wish for it to happen, maybe even for all the wrong reasons, maybe right.
I guess I am selfish and disgusting and mean and I can't help but be like that..

Vision..

I read it on some one else's space and totally fell for it. Too worthy a phrase to lose it somewhere so I put this here:

"...All life is just a progression toward, and then a recession from, one phrase- 'I love you.'"

-The Offshore Pirate, F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Synonyms..

Volatile:
Unstable/ Unpredictable/ Explosive/ Hot-blooded/ Impulsive/ Fickle/ Capricious/ Hot-tempered

Capricious:
Changeable/ Whimsical/ Variable/ Unreliable/ Fickle/ Erratic

Fickle:
Indecisive/ Inconsistent/ Vacillating/ Picky

Vacillating:
Irresolute/ Of two minds/ Hesitant/ Dithering/ Wavering

Irresolute:
Undetermined/ Wishy-washy/ Cowardly

Wishy-washy:
Weak/ Spineless/ Spiritless/ Ineffectual/ Pathetic

Ineffectual:
Incompetent/ Unimpressive/ Unsuccessful/ Useless/ Hopeless/ Inadequate

Inadequate:
Insufficient/ Not enough/ Scarce/ Too little/ Derisory/ Laughable/ Poor

Derisory:
Pitiful/ Insulting/ Ridiculous/ Contemptible/ Mean

Ridiculous:
Ludicrous/ Preposterous/ Absurd/ Silly/ Unreasonable

Preposterous
Outlandish

Above was just a game I was playing to break the monotony of work and it made me realise what fun words can be and you never end from the point you start from (be it any sphere of life).

Volatile..

It's like a burden lifted and I do feel the vacuum but I am so so relieved.
Please please let it last..

Valentines..

The single most important man in my life wished me valentines and made my day: my Dad.

Stuck..

After this one, another life changer with the same friend and once again in a Chinese restaurant.

@#%$&: It is inevitable Sam. Sooner or later you will have to take a decision , make a choice and get into something permanent. The later you do, the lesser chances you might have to adapt to the situation easily.
Life is difficult. We will all have problems, it never will be perfect. But it is upto you to choose the happiness you prefer: financial, personal or professional. Would you rather have less money, a bad day a work but come back to a happy home.

Me: I know what you mean and I know the choice is an obvious one.
To myself: Leap of faith, that is all I will have to take.

Like the last one, this too has stuck by me and I am grateful that we had this conversation.

Surprise..

I finally got one, after more than two years of contemplating: I am talking about a tattoo.

I realised how fickle I can be whilst getting one, the artist had just done the outline and I screamed that I wanted it off and I absolutely hated it. He stopped right then and just stared at me while I calmed down and got my nerves back. Now I understand that it was not the tattoo that I hated but the whole idea of permanency. And the reason why I chose to go for one was to get something, anything permanent.

I have always run away from situations that call for commitment of any sort.
- When I make plans with friends, I always have a backup to get out of them.
- On my work side I know I can quit anytime and go back home.
- Hair cut: they grow again
- Any purchase: I can return or buy another one.
- Relationships (minus family): I don’t get into one and then I know that though it may hurt but I can chose to back off.

Considering above, this decision to get something as permanent on myself was a very big deal and I don’t regret it a bit. Hopefully, other similar life altering decisions will give me the same feeling. Ta..

And a very happy new year to all.

Simple..

Very recently my dad offered to buy me the much talked about Amazon Kindle and I refused. Can you believe it, yes I refused.

I am not a very techno savvy person, my laptop is turning six and my last purchase a year ago was my cell phone: Nokia E72 that I sincerely regret buying. I prefer using my Samsung Guru, the cheapest version available and the only so called gadget I would possible invest in would be a very very nice watch (if it can be called a gadget), for the simple reason that I would at least wear it 23.5 hours a day.

Anyways, coming back to books, the fact is that I love to read, going upto two books a week at times and spending Rs. 5000 a month on an average so buying a Kindle would be a sensible option but I love books too much to replace them with technology. I love their warm smell, I love scribbling on them, even doodling if a particular text reminds me of something. I love looking at the glossy paperbacks and making mistakes by judging them with just that. I love spending hours every weekend at the bookstore and realizing that the staff knows me by name now. I love cuddling up in the quilt with just my eyes popping out to read or sitting in the sun with tea and a book.

Basically, I love books too much to replace them with fibre and plastic and somehow looking back at my collection of books and trying to remember my memories associated to them is fun.

A regular long post after a long time, it feels good..

Slither..

I don't like being me right now: helpless, restless and all of that..

Startled..

Dad: I am going to say yes.
And I saw my whole life flashing before me.

I have often wondered how death is going to be and always imagined it coming as a relief. Now I almost know.

Sore..

It hurts so bad..

Missing..

Its been longer than ever this time, perhaps the longest I've stayed away..

There's been a whirlwind of activity work wise with no breather at all and the time spared is spent trying to catch up with the few remaining friends who are willing to tolerate my mood swings, bitching about work and frequent non show-ups even after making a zillion plans..

In between, I've gone home couple of times, read a lot and come across some of the nicest of words that leave me smiling. I hope the following lines from A Million Little Pieces by James Frey will have a similar effect on those who have still stuck around this space despite me not showing up.

I miss you.
I like that you miss me.
I like that you like it.

I leave you with this and hope that I will be able to hear this from someone and give a similar reply. Till then..

Reconcile..

There are so many times you feel like making that one call and putting things into perspective, tell the other person how sorry you are about what happened, how you want to turn back time and amend all the mistakes that were committed just because you were young and stupid..

It doesn't mean you want to change the outcome of the past, its more to do with getting that one friend back who meant so much to you or even telling them that its all good and making your peace with each other, just that and nothing more..

Just..

I don't like month beginnings, clearing dues, paying bills and suddenly seeing my bank account go empty..

And I also don't understand why we take a person for granted the moment we realise they like/love us.

Updates..

This is probably the longest I've stayed away from here, so long that I am afraid I have forgotten how to write, give spaces between words or mark paragraphs but write I must, just to get it back..

All this while I've been away, its just footwear I've been making and liking the work and hating the people with equal intensity. I think I am doing an alright job and the best part is to come back home drained and going off to sleep without a thought. Some may call it a hollow life, but work has been keeping me going and liking what I do is just a privilege.

I came to write something else, totally non-work related but ended up with this and then suddenly lost my chain of thought, guess I will have to end it abruptly.. Anyhow, I've also been reading a lot when I travel and I recommend Mohsin Hamid completely, its nice in an English August sort of way..

Till then..

Remembrance..

Its been a while now since this happened. It personally did not effect me much because I’ve been living out of home for years now and the bitterness in family ties and all that my parents had to face made me cold towards it all.

My Taiji passed away a month ago and living together as a family for 37 years had its pros and cons. There was a struggle to cope up and adjust with each other, the strains of it visible in the later years when families grew larger, expectations higher and hearts greedier.

I went to the hospital where she had been admitted in Delhi and the scene shook me. I couldn’t meet Tai, she was in a critical state by then, the surgery having failed but the sight of my Tauji, his helplessness, his anxiety was beyond explanation. It was their 50th anniversary that day and sharing that period of your life with someone is something I can just imagine. My heart went out to him and I cried my way back home, I knew in my heart that this was it and begged God to prove my instincts wrong.

Going back home made me miss little things about her, my eyes searched for her on the balcony as soon as I reached. She used to stand their for hours trying to keep an eye on whose going where, a habit that irritated me then but which I now find endearing. He voice that echoed in the house calling for servants and giving instructions.. But most of all I remember how she loved me when I was little, my Mom tells me it was only her who could soothe me when I was ill and how she always saved my from my Dad when he was angry.

I realize that family bonds are hard to break, things may get bitter, life difficult but the warmth remains..

Books..

I am in love with Wuthering Heights..and Catherine, and Heathcliff..and their bitter love story that touches the soul..

Appropriate..

Because I couldn't help it..

Job..

He up there understands me, my faith is reaffirmed (it never was gone).

I landed in a job that takes 12-13 hours of my day leaving me no time to grasp life and that's totally refreshing..

Loss..

The gravity of the loss hits you only after there is nothing left to save..

I feel so tender and lonely right now and there's nothing I can do about it; I didn't do much while I could have..

Reflections..

A little more sane
A little more mature
A little more clear about life,
And yet, a little confused too..

A little more independent
A little more free
A little more confident,
And yet, a little lonely too..

A little more unburdened
A little more comfortable
A little easy,
And yet, a little introvert too..

A little more hopeful
A little more faith
A little more belief in the one up there,
And yet, a little scared too..

The past year taught me this and a little more
This year hopefully will bring love, friends and a lot of happiness too..

Have a great one..

When I wrote this, I didn't know I would stick here as long as I have, in spite of the stubborn promise made. However, with the year ending, I'd like to say that I am glad I stuck around, learnt so much and kinda grew up reading other peoples' (some of them friends now) spaces.

And with this I would like to wish you all A Very Happy New Year and loads of love and happiness. Till then..

For good..

Its holiday time,
I have resigned from my current work place and I am so excited.

Seeping pessimism..

Its all haphazard in my head and I feel like penning it all down. The details are not possible, neither do I feel like elaborating on one particular thing so I'll do with the bits..

- I am reading Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger and I don't like it as much as The Time Traveller's Wife. However, there are certain parts I could relate myself to.
- Its so strange to lose feeling for someone, it stresses the other person out and you don't have an explanation to provide.
- I don't like to talk much when once I could elaborate on things that were totally inconsequential. I think it tires me out and I even feel guilty about wasting words.
- There are so many words I can't pronounce right and lately I refrain from using any new one for the fear of saying them wrong. If I continue like this, I think I'll just stop talking.
- Yesterday night while reading, I realised what a complicated feeling love is and there are so many forms of it that I can just feel and not explain, even to myself at times.
- The highlight of my week was that I went clubbing Saturday night and it was fun after ages. For once I got sloshed after four Cosmopolitans, and did not feel giddy. I also ended up singing at the top of my voice and I totally blame it on the awesome music they play there.
- I think dancing makes a person look sexy(ier). There was this really plain looking girl at the club with an equally plain looking guy but when they entered the dance floor they underwent a transformation. It was as if someone was pulling stings to make them dance, there was so much harmony in their performance and yet it didn't look rehearsed.
- I am torn between the urge of going home but staying back. I want to meet my parents but every time I go, something happens that totally mars my trip.
- I feel like quiting my job, grabbing a dozen books and sitting in the Sun and reading. I did that last year and I miss it right now.
- I don't ask questions and people take it otherwise if they don't know me well enough. I don't bother giving explanations..

A long post this one was and I am bored of writing it, I'll just stop.

P.S: Its easier writing than talking.

Praying hard..

Its so frustrating and I am so tensed..
The worst is that I can do nothing about it,
Just wait and pray..
And hope that it will all be fine.

Havoc..

Yeh, a negative post yet again but I can't seem to help it.

My daily routine consists of getting up early and rushing to work, coming back late evening and dosing off, often without eating anything. But ultimately its just hours passing because I seem to be doing nothing productive throughout the day. Infact I feel my boss in U.S no more considers me a part of the design team, no fault of his as I haven't been mailing him any work (I haven't been doing any)and that totally hurts..

Infact I feel I should get married now, atleast it will break the current monotony if nothing else.

State of impassiveness..

Sometimes you are very close to somebody and then maybe all of a sudden or after a period of time, its just gone. You don't feel anything, not even the gaping vacuum that others can see but you don't feel anything, no hurt, just nothing..

The strange part is that it does not bother you, rather you feel at peace as if a tumour was removed..

Complexities..

He must have really loved her to hate her as much..

Shouldn't have..

I can't handle liquor at all. The other day I got drunk on a single glass of wine and made somebody read stuff that was a little too personal.

What made me regret it the next day was not getting the reaction I was probably expecting. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to listen at that point of time and that ruined it for me.

Stupid I am..

Holding on..

I think I was in standard 1 or max 2.We didn't have a car then and our usual mode of travel was a cycle rickshaw.Dad had established a new business and that kept him away from us for days.

Like all children, I loved it when Ma came to pick me up from school and then I did not realise what an ordeal it would be for her to come all the way, just to pick me up and give me that happiness.

My school was a convent and as you entered from the front gate, there was a garden and surrounding it the driveway coming to the back gate. My happiest memories is that of seeing Ma across the garden in a pink saree. I went running to her and hugged her from the waist and she smiled and asked: "You recognised me from all that distance?" and I kissed her and replied that I would do that anywhere, with some pride in my voice.

I remember the whole scene as if it happened yesterday, even the feeling I had when I was a little girl whose greatest joy was running to her mom when she came to pick her up from school.

Somehow I never want to let this one go.

Thats it..

Getting admission in a good school.
Scoring great marks, leading in sports.
Getting admission in a brilliant college.
Landing with a well paying job.
Purchasing a beautiful house and a big car.
Buying designer wear, jewellery, watches.
Giving education to your children in the best schools.

It all amounts to nothing. Underneath it all lies the basic emotion to be loved/ appreciated/ accepted, be it though making people accept you through your etiquites or through your money and power..

And the rest, its nothing..

Gasping..

There are times I read stuff that sucks me into strange bouts of melancholy. It makes me uneasy, numb but weirdly content. I don't feel like talking, sharing and also realise that I should stop reading or at least thinking about the subject but I can't help it.. its like being under the influence of a drug which though you know is not good for you, is impossible to let go.

My only hope is that I surface up elated and maybe just a little wiser.

Thought..

It saddens me when I read something nice and do not mark/ write it somewhere out of laziness..
I also realise that writing, using pen/ paper is more fun and if I don't, I'll forget the very technique.

Design..

Currently I am into designing Dora the Explorer footwear and its more fun than I thought. Probably its all about imersing yourself completely into it than going by the preconcieved notion that you do not enjoy doing a particular thing. However, the whole thing of designing gets to me at times, deciding the colours, choosing materials and the worst of all, considering production parameters just doesn't seem to be my cup of tea. I feel restricted when I face printing limitations and when vague fantasies like adding animation to a footwear and not being able to do so occur to me.

Buying/ commercial side of things is more my thing.In my previous job, thats what I did, there was a strange adrenaline rush when every week I saw the sales figures coming in, where I'd go lengths to convince the sales people to sell the product of my category..

But then, this isn't so bad either though I hate it when I get these design blocks and I have to write unnessary posts like these to clear my head and make you read it..

Sunshine..

I've missed sunshine these past few days. I realise that though I like rains, but a few hours of those makes me gloomy and craving for sunlight..

Quit..

I think I would die a very content/ happy death now, if it chooses to come to me. I have great parents, perfect health, work I love, friends I care for and who care for me, pretty much got what I've wanted..

And I believe one should quit the game at its pinnacle..

Odd one..

I think I am eccentric. I like people who posses a certain kind of weirdness, I relate to them in an inexplicable way..

Directness, confrontations, explanations scare me. I don't even feel my age, much older or younger but never there. I know it does not make any sense but that's what it is all about, going by my own whims and fantasies, doing things which would be stupid for most but understood by some.

I can't explain it, its difficult, its ironic, a self I carefully guard but which forms the core of my being..

Simplifying..

It is particularly hard for me to come to a decision. Even when I know that something is not right and the other option available would do me more good, I still think.. I have people advising me, friends whom I can trust blindly but I just can't come upon a decision till something triggers off within me. I have no idea what chemical reactions happen, what sets it off but at that moment I don't have any doubts, no fears..

The problem with this process is that everything gets delayed no matter how right the decision is and that irks me off. Earlier I thought that once I get older, things would get simplified but whats happening is quite the contrary..

Probably its the right thing, right time philosophy, the delay cannot be ignored anyhow..

Simplicity..

Conversation with a friend who said and I remembered:

"I realise that some relationships go beyond meeting each other frequently, or speaking regularly on the phone or even acknowledging each other's presence..
It sparks up by a mere look exchanged, or just knowing that the other person exists in some part of the world...
And that seems enough!!"

Strangely, it did..

To the both of you..

I've mentioned her before, when she was getting married last year, my younger sister who's very close to me, whom I thought I would get distanced from after she moved to another city but like all of you said, I did get closer to her. Now I even ask her for advice on issues like I would from my older ones, and she's always been there for me despite her adjusting to the new environment and post marriage changes.

And then there's this another sister of mine who's always busy, the big socialite she is. She looks after her work, after a one year old baby girl, the whole of the family whose part I am lucky to be of. Though I don't get to speak to her much but the conversation we do get to have made me realise how I've ended up being one of the most pampered child of the family, by virtue of being the only spinster remaining.

A small incident yesterday made me realise how lucky I am to have them with me, how they love me unconditionally and how both of them treat me like the younger one (the former mentioned is two years my junior and the latter just one year my senior). Now, there is no competition amongst us, but a very healthy relationship where all of us love seeing each other growing up, doing well for themselves and basically being happy..

This post is just my way of thanking these inseparable parts of my life and tell them how much I love them..

Down and out..

Its been sometime since I've vented out my work frustrations on my blog but desperate conditions call for desperate measures and I certainly am bugged.. This is my fourth organisation in last five years(I know not a great track record) but I doubt I've been this frustrated anywhere or gone through this kind of politics ever or felt so humiliated and cheated, in short its been aweful. Also, I don't find any reason to stick to this place as I am not learning anything, not growing in anyway like my previous work places.

My collegues are nice but the senior management is sheer torture, their ways are beyond me and I can't see any way out, thanks to recession and lack of job opportunities.

I feel caged and sufforcated and this is one place where I can't see even hard work doing anything for me.. I want an out!!

All that matters..

Its so irksome, not having travelled anywhere outside India. Maybe its nothing but for me, it matters..
When would I..

Complacent..

At times you are so happy and content that it scares you. I am scared too, scared not beacuse it may not last, but beacuse there might not be a chance to end it properly.

And as someone said, and I defied (unnecessarily), closure definately is important. Closure in the form of an explaination, or a fight, or tears, or just a hug and a kiss: just something final which you can look back upon and say "it was good while it lasted but the end wasn't so bad either"..

Summers..

I hate summers!! I know most of us do but I’ve always justified somehow why I should like them. A new season, noise, sunshine and also because I happen to be a summer child but lately I am finding more reasons to think otherwise. The list is endless but here is goes:

- My house is swarmed with lizards, and the worst was today, I woke up and saw two of them mating in the kitchen. I got some sadistic pleasure buy throwing water at them and making them run apart.
- There are all sorts or insects, everywhere I see.
- The heat deprives me of all my energy. I come back extremely tired and go off to sleep, no socializing, no fun!!
- People around me who’ve not discovered the uses of the deodorant stink and stink real bad.
- Everything rots and smells, from the food to even the vegetables and fruits in the refrigerator.
- Everybody around me is so worked up by the heat that they get all irritable and mad.
- You cannot travel anywhere except the mountains which are dreadfully crowded.
- Shopping at Sarojini remains no fun, minus the amazing summer wear you get there at this time.
- Even water doesn’t do you any good.
- I hate the way all the exposed area gets tanned. Even those sunscreen lotions feel all sticky.
- You can’t see clearly while driving with the sun directly in your eyes. And I do wear shades.
- There is no use taking a shower, by the time I am done, am sweating again.
- Fresh is a word one can never use during summers.
- Flowers become expensive.
- Jeans become unbearable; they seem to gnaw my legs.
- I see lights on the lampposts on, in the afternoon when the sun is so brilliant that you can’t see what’s ahead of you and then we get power cuts!!
- I have to shampoo every alternate day, the hair don’t dry easily, the humidity does not allow them to and keeping the hair open does not remain an option.
- I can’t breathe.

I can go on and on but it’ll be too much on Mother Nature so I’ll stop... Summers, I guess make me bicker too!!

Little things..

Everything was the same old: I was lying on the diwan in my living room, bored, grumpy and feeling a little lonely. Books were strewn around, all three of them that I was trying to read simultaneously, there was food to occupy my attention and then the omnipresent television with its remote through which I was constantly changing channels, hoping that something/ anything interesting would catch my attention..

And luckily it did!! I came across this movie which had this song playing: “Sabse Peenche hum Khade”, a song I’d been hunting for ages now. Suddenly, life wasn’t that bad, I was smiling ear to ear and singing (trying to) that song at the top of my voice.

I wonder how little things can wash away all your glooms and a single song give you so much happiness, however short lived!!

Easy exit..

I am so glad that I don't stay in Lucknow!!

I do miss my family, my siblings but on return from every visit I get to know something that forces me to wish I hadn't gone. Every visit makes me realise how foolish I've been to trust the people I have, how unsuitable I am where politics dominates the whole scene, where non-diplomatic people (like me) do not stand a chance..

And how running away probably is the best course of action to be taken!!

Aftermath..

I wonder how important ones self-respect is.
To what lengths would one go to preserve their ego.
When would one give up and temptation take over.
Is giving up sometimes a good idea.
Happiness verses right/wrong, what’s a better choice.
Are there actually no free lunches.
How much sin can we get away with to guarantee us an average afterlife.

More about me..

I usually am the scrape goat when it comes to taking anybody’s case for my friends. And since I am not going to tell exactly what I was told, I’ve slightly tweaked the conversation to my advantage..

Reasons why any guy would love to have me in his life:

- I don’t cling.
- I love my space, my time alone with my friends minus THE guy. (Am sure any guy would understand that).
- I am commitment phobic to quite an extent.
- I don’t like mush.
- I like romance minus the frills, for me the “thought counts” more!!
- It is extremely difficult for me to express emotions.
- I don’t mind a person who drinks and smokes, imagine escaping the nag who would constantly breathe on your neck to do this or not to do that.
- I don’t crave attention.

I know this post totally lacks any sense of modesty but hey, what the heck!! Am writing after ages and I deserve it...

The guy theory..

Conversation with a friend re-affirmed the following things for me:

Guys born and brought up in metropolitan cities, though are well educated and highly exposed, lack virtues such as open mindedness, tolerance and respect. They do not mind a girlfriend who drinks/smokes, wears "westerns", is independent and wants a carrier, but for a wife, they want just the opposite of the girlfriend types.

However, small town men, who've studied/worked in metropolitans are seen to be less of hypocrites, more open minded and understanding and a lot more tolerant and considerate.

Am sure not all of them fit the above criteria but as its said, one rotten apple spoils the whole basket and I've happened to come across more than a few of the rotten ones..

I've been..

- Sleeping and lazing BIG time.
- Eating on my own.
- Job hunting...kinda.
- Reading, a lot.
- Watching television like never before.
- Wishing for things to happen.
- Cribbing.
- Wishing things were different.
- Going for a lot of coffee.
- Looking for a flatmate.
- Keeping a tab on my bank account for the first time ever.
- Missing people.

In between all of that I had a great time at my best friend's wedding, met with old friends, gave an awesome bachelors to him (that's what I presume), realised that life could be fun if you had the right people by you..

This thing called lonliness..

It was dark all around, dark and lonely and sad. It seemed that somebody had sucked the life out of her. She hated feeling that ways, procrastinating, juggling ifs and buts, trying to evade that fear that nothing would be right anymore, virtually giving it all up and running away.. She had been quite for more than ten hours and felt that if she stayed that way for a moment more, her mouth would get sealed and she wouldn’t be able to ever utter a word again, and not talking meant suicide, communicating had been her life line, her strength, probably one of the only things she prided herself for, and that fear made her scream into the empty apartment.. But there was nobody to hear her, nobody to reply or get worried and so she cuddled unto herself and let all those hushed emotions out: she cried!!

Ahem..

Juggling between finding a job AND a flatmate can be quite a task and am trying to do just that!! So anyone or who knows anyone (female), looking for a place in Gurgaon, please get in touch with me..

Help me guys!!