Synonyms..

Volatile:
Unstable/ Unpredictable/ Explosive/ Hot-blooded/ Impulsive/ Fickle/ Capricious/ Hot-tempered

Capricious:
Changeable/ Whimsical/ Variable/ Unreliable/ Fickle/ Erratic

Fickle:
Indecisive/ Inconsistent/ Vacillating/ Picky

Vacillating:
Irresolute/ Of two minds/ Hesitant/ Dithering/ Wavering

Irresolute:
Undetermined/ Wishy-washy/ Cowardly

Wishy-washy:
Weak/ Spineless/ Spiritless/ Ineffectual/ Pathetic

Ineffectual:
Incompetent/ Unimpressive/ Unsuccessful/ Useless/ Hopeless/ Inadequate

Inadequate:
Insufficient/ Not enough/ Scarce/ Too little/ Derisory/ Laughable/ Poor

Derisory:
Pitiful/ Insulting/ Ridiculous/ Contemptible/ Mean

Ridiculous:
Ludicrous/ Preposterous/ Absurd/ Silly/ Unreasonable

Preposterous
Outlandish

Above was just a game I was playing to break the monotony of work and it made me realise what fun words can be and you never end from the point you start from (be it any sphere of life).

Volatile..

It's like a burden lifted and I do feel the vacuum but I am so so relieved.
Please please let it last..

Valentines..

The single most important man in my life wished me valentines and made my day: my Dad.

Stuck..

After this one, another life changer with the same friend and once again in a Chinese restaurant.

@#%$&: It is inevitable Sam. Sooner or later you will have to take a decision , make a choice and get into something permanent. The later you do, the lesser chances you might have to adapt to the situation easily.
Life is difficult. We will all have problems, it never will be perfect. But it is upto you to choose the happiness you prefer: financial, personal or professional. Would you rather have less money, a bad day a work but come back to a happy home.

Me: I know what you mean and I know the choice is an obvious one.
To myself: Leap of faith, that is all I will have to take.

Like the last one, this too has stuck by me and I am grateful that we had this conversation.

Surprise..

I finally got one, after more than two years of contemplating: I am talking about a tattoo.

I realised how fickle I can be whilst getting one, the artist had just done the outline and I screamed that I wanted it off and I absolutely hated it. He stopped right then and just stared at me while I calmed down and got my nerves back. Now I understand that it was not the tattoo that I hated but the whole idea of permanency. And the reason why I chose to go for one was to get something, anything permanent.

I have always run away from situations that call for commitment of any sort.
- When I make plans with friends, I always have a backup to get out of them.
- On my work side I know I can quit anytime and go back home.
- Hair cut: they grow again
- Any purchase: I can return or buy another one.
- Relationships (minus family): I don’t get into one and then I know that though it may hurt but I can chose to back off.

Considering above, this decision to get something as permanent on myself was a very big deal and I don’t regret it a bit. Hopefully, other similar life altering decisions will give me the same feeling. Ta..

And a very happy new year to all.

Simple..

Very recently my dad offered to buy me the much talked about Amazon Kindle and I refused. Can you believe it, yes I refused.

I am not a very techno savvy person, my laptop is turning six and my last purchase a year ago was my cell phone: Nokia E72 that I sincerely regret buying. I prefer using my Samsung Guru, the cheapest version available and the only so called gadget I would possible invest in would be a very very nice watch (if it can be called a gadget), for the simple reason that I would at least wear it 23.5 hours a day.

Anyways, coming back to books, the fact is that I love to read, going upto two books a week at times and spending Rs. 5000 a month on an average so buying a Kindle would be a sensible option but I love books too much to replace them with technology. I love their warm smell, I love scribbling on them, even doodling if a particular text reminds me of something. I love looking at the glossy paperbacks and making mistakes by judging them with just that. I love spending hours every weekend at the bookstore and realizing that the staff knows me by name now. I love cuddling up in the quilt with just my eyes popping out to read or sitting in the sun with tea and a book.

Basically, I love books too much to replace them with fibre and plastic and somehow looking back at my collection of books and trying to remember my memories associated to them is fun.

A regular long post after a long time, it feels good..

Slither..

I don't like being me right now: helpless, restless and all of that..

Startled..

Dad: I am going to say yes.
And I saw my whole life flashing before me.

I have often wondered how death is going to be and always imagined it coming as a relief. Now I almost know.

Sore..

It hurts so bad..

Missing..

Its been longer than ever this time, perhaps the longest I've stayed away..

There's been a whirlwind of activity work wise with no breather at all and the time spared is spent trying to catch up with the few remaining friends who are willing to tolerate my mood swings, bitching about work and frequent non show-ups even after making a zillion plans..

In between, I've gone home couple of times, read a lot and come across some of the nicest of words that leave me smiling. I hope the following lines from A Million Little Pieces by James Frey will have a similar effect on those who have still stuck around this space despite me not showing up.

I miss you.
I like that you miss me.
I like that you like it.

I leave you with this and hope that I will be able to hear this from someone and give a similar reply. Till then..

Reconcile..

There are so many times you feel like making that one call and putting things into perspective, tell the other person how sorry you are about what happened, how you want to turn back time and amend all the mistakes that were committed just because you were young and stupid..

It doesn't mean you want to change the outcome of the past, its more to do with getting that one friend back who meant so much to you or even telling them that its all good and making your peace with each other, just that and nothing more..

Just..

I don't like month beginnings, clearing dues, paying bills and suddenly seeing my bank account go empty..

And I also don't understand why we take a person for granted the moment we realise they like/love us.

Updates..

This is probably the longest I've stayed away from here, so long that I am afraid I have forgotten how to write, give spaces between words or mark paragraphs but write I must, just to get it back..

All this while I've been away, its just footwear I've been making and liking the work and hating the people with equal intensity. I think I am doing an alright job and the best part is to come back home drained and going off to sleep without a thought. Some may call it a hollow life, but work has been keeping me going and liking what I do is just a privilege.

I came to write something else, totally non-work related but ended up with this and then suddenly lost my chain of thought, guess I will have to end it abruptly.. Anyhow, I've also been reading a lot when I travel and I recommend Mohsin Hamid completely, its nice in an English August sort of way..

Till then..

Remembrance..

Its been a while now since this happened. It personally did not effect me much because I’ve been living out of home for years now and the bitterness in family ties and all that my parents had to face made me cold towards it all.

My Taiji passed away a month ago and living together as a family for 37 years had its pros and cons. There was a struggle to cope up and adjust with each other, the strains of it visible in the later years when families grew larger, expectations higher and hearts greedier.

I went to the hospital where she had been admitted in Delhi and the scene shook me. I couldn’t meet Tai, she was in a critical state by then, the surgery having failed but the sight of my Tauji, his helplessness, his anxiety was beyond explanation. It was their 50th anniversary that day and sharing that period of your life with someone is something I can just imagine. My heart went out to him and I cried my way back home, I knew in my heart that this was it and begged God to prove my instincts wrong.

Going back home made me miss little things about her, my eyes searched for her on the balcony as soon as I reached. She used to stand their for hours trying to keep an eye on whose going where, a habit that irritated me then but which I now find endearing. He voice that echoed in the house calling for servants and giving instructions.. But most of all I remember how she loved me when I was little, my Mom tells me it was only her who could soothe me when I was ill and how she always saved my from my Dad when he was angry.

I realize that family bonds are hard to break, things may get bitter, life difficult but the warmth remains..

Books..

I am in love with Wuthering Heights..and Catherine, and Heathcliff..and their bitter love story that touches the soul..

Appropriate..

Because I couldn't help it..

Job..

He up there understands me, my faith is reaffirmed (it never was gone).

I landed in a job that takes 12-13 hours of my day leaving me no time to grasp life and that's totally refreshing..

Loss..

The gravity of the loss hits you only after there is nothing left to save..

I feel so tender and lonely right now and there's nothing I can do about it; I didn't do much while I could have..

Reflections..

A little more sane
A little more mature
A little more clear about life,
And yet, a little confused too..

A little more independent
A little more free
A little more confident,
And yet, a little lonely too..

A little more unburdened
A little more comfortable
A little easy,
And yet, a little introvert too..

A little more hopeful
A little more faith
A little more belief in the one up there,
And yet, a little scared too..

The past year taught me this and a little more
This year hopefully will bring love, friends and a lot of happiness too..

Have a great one..

When I wrote this, I didn't know I would stick here as long as I have, in spite of the stubborn promise made. However, with the year ending, I'd like to say that I am glad I stuck around, learnt so much and kinda grew up reading other peoples' (some of them friends now) spaces.

And with this I would like to wish you all A Very Happy New Year and loads of love and happiness. Till then..

For good..

Its holiday time,
I have resigned from my current work place and I am so excited.

Seeping pessimism..

Its all haphazard in my head and I feel like penning it all down. The details are not possible, neither do I feel like elaborating on one particular thing so I'll do with the bits..

- I am reading Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger and I don't like it as much as The Time Traveller's Wife. However, there are certain parts I could relate myself to.
- Its so strange to lose feeling for someone, it stresses the other person out and you don't have an explanation to provide.
- I don't like to talk much when once I could elaborate on things that were totally inconsequential. I think it tires me out and I even feel guilty about wasting words.
- There are so many words I can't pronounce right and lately I refrain from using any new one for the fear of saying them wrong. If I continue like this, I think I'll just stop talking.
- Yesterday night while reading, I realised what a complicated feeling love is and there are so many forms of it that I can just feel and not explain, even to myself at times.
- The highlight of my week was that I went clubbing Saturday night and it was fun after ages. For once I got sloshed after four Cosmopolitans, and did not feel giddy. I also ended up singing at the top of my voice and I totally blame it on the awesome music they play there.
- I think dancing makes a person look sexy(ier). There was this really plain looking girl at the club with an equally plain looking guy but when they entered the dance floor they underwent a transformation. It was as if someone was pulling stings to make them dance, there was so much harmony in their performance and yet it didn't look rehearsed.
- I am torn between the urge of going home but staying back. I want to meet my parents but every time I go, something happens that totally mars my trip.
- I feel like quiting my job, grabbing a dozen books and sitting in the Sun and reading. I did that last year and I miss it right now.
- I don't ask questions and people take it otherwise if they don't know me well enough. I don't bother giving explanations..

A long post this one was and I am bored of writing it, I'll just stop.

P.S: Its easier writing than talking.

Praying hard..

Its so frustrating and I am so tensed..
The worst is that I can do nothing about it,
Just wait and pray..
And hope that it will all be fine.

Havoc..

Yeh, a negative post yet again but I can't seem to help it.

My daily routine consists of getting up early and rushing to work, coming back late evening and dosing off, often without eating anything. But ultimately its just hours passing because I seem to be doing nothing productive throughout the day. Infact I feel my boss in U.S no more considers me a part of the design team, no fault of his as I haven't been mailing him any work (I haven't been doing any)and that totally hurts..

Infact I feel I should get married now, atleast it will break the current monotony if nothing else.

State of impassiveness..

Sometimes you are very close to somebody and then maybe all of a sudden or after a period of time, its just gone. You don't feel anything, not even the gaping vacuum that others can see but you don't feel anything, no hurt, just nothing..

The strange part is that it does not bother you, rather you feel at peace as if a tumour was removed..

Complexities..

He must have really loved her to hate her as much..

Shouldn't have..

I can't handle liquor at all. The other day I got drunk on a single glass of wine and made somebody read stuff that was a little too personal.

What made me regret it the next day was not getting the reaction I was probably expecting. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to listen at that point of time and that ruined it for me.

Stupid I am..

Holding on..

I think I was in standard 1 or max 2.We didn't have a car then and our usual mode of travel was a cycle rickshaw.Dad had established a new business and that kept him away from us for days.

Like all children, I loved it when Ma came to pick me up from school and then I did not realise what an ordeal it would be for her to come all the way, just to pick me up and give me that happiness.

My school was a convent and as you entered from the front gate, there was a garden and surrounding it the driveway coming to the back gate. My happiest memories is that of seeing Ma across the garden in a pink saree. I went running to her and hugged her from the waist and she smiled and asked: "You recognised me from all that distance?" and I kissed her and replied that I would do that anywhere, with some pride in my voice.

I remember the whole scene as if it happened yesterday, even the feeling I had when I was a little girl whose greatest joy was running to her mom when she came to pick her up from school.

Somehow I never want to let this one go.

Thats it..

Getting admission in a good school.
Scoring great marks, leading in sports.
Getting admission in a brilliant college.
Landing with a well paying job.
Purchasing a beautiful house and a big car.
Buying designer wear, jewellery, watches.
Giving education to your children in the best schools.

It all amounts to nothing. Underneath it all lies the basic emotion to be loved/ appreciated/ accepted, be it though making people accept you through your etiquites or through your money and power..

And the rest, its nothing..

Gasping..

There are times I read stuff that sucks me into strange bouts of melancholy. It makes me uneasy, numb but weirdly content. I don't feel like talking, sharing and also realise that I should stop reading or at least thinking about the subject but I can't help it.. its like being under the influence of a drug which though you know is not good for you, is impossible to let go.

My only hope is that I surface up elated and maybe just a little wiser.

Thought..

It saddens me when I read something nice and do not mark/ write it somewhere out of laziness..
I also realise that writing, using pen/ paper is more fun and if I don't, I'll forget the very technique.

Design..

Currently I am into designing Dora the Explorer footwear and its more fun than I thought. Probably its all about imersing yourself completely into it than going by the preconcieved notion that you do not enjoy doing a particular thing. However, the whole thing of designing gets to me at times, deciding the colours, choosing materials and the worst of all, considering production parameters just doesn't seem to be my cup of tea. I feel restricted when I face printing limitations and when vague fantasies like adding animation to a footwear and not being able to do so occur to me.

Buying/ commercial side of things is more my thing.In my previous job, thats what I did, there was a strange adrenaline rush when every week I saw the sales figures coming in, where I'd go lengths to convince the sales people to sell the product of my category..

But then, this isn't so bad either though I hate it when I get these design blocks and I have to write unnessary posts like these to clear my head and make you read it..

Sunshine..

I've missed sunshine these past few days. I realise that though I like rains, but a few hours of those makes me gloomy and craving for sunlight..

Quit..

I think I would die a very content/ happy death now, if it chooses to come to me. I have great parents, perfect health, work I love, friends I care for and who care for me, pretty much got what I've wanted..

And I believe one should quit the game at its pinnacle..

Odd one..

I think I am eccentric. I like people who posses a certain kind of weirdness, I relate to them in an inexplicable way..

Directness, confrontations, explanations scare me. I don't even feel my age, much older or younger but never there. I know it does not make any sense but that's what it is all about, going by my own whims and fantasies, doing things which would be stupid for most but understood by some.

I can't explain it, its difficult, its ironic, a self I carefully guard but which forms the core of my being..

Simplifying..

It is particularly hard for me to come to a decision. Even when I know that something is not right and the other option available would do me more good, I still think.. I have people advising me, friends whom I can trust blindly but I just can't come upon a decision till something triggers off within me. I have no idea what chemical reactions happen, what sets it off but at that moment I don't have any doubts, no fears..

The problem with this process is that everything gets delayed no matter how right the decision is and that irks me off. Earlier I thought that once I get older, things would get simplified but whats happening is quite the contrary..

Probably its the right thing, right time philosophy, the delay cannot be ignored anyhow..

Simplicity..

Conversation with a friend who said and I remembered:

"I realise that some relationships go beyond meeting each other frequently, or speaking regularly on the phone or even acknowledging each other's presence..
It sparks up by a mere look exchanged, or just knowing that the other person exists in some part of the world...
And that seems enough!!"

Strangely, it did..

To the both of you..

I've mentioned her before, when she was getting married last year, my younger sister who's very close to me, whom I thought I would get distanced from after she moved to another city but like all of you said, I did get closer to her. Now I even ask her for advice on issues like I would from my older ones, and she's always been there for me despite her adjusting to the new environment and post marriage changes.

And then there's this another sister of mine who's always busy, the big socialite she is. She looks after her work, after a one year old baby girl, the whole of the family whose part I am lucky to be of. Though I don't get to speak to her much but the conversation we do get to have made me realise how I've ended up being one of the most pampered child of the family, by virtue of being the only spinster remaining.

A small incident yesterday made me realise how lucky I am to have them with me, how they love me unconditionally and how both of them treat me like the younger one (the former mentioned is two years my junior and the latter just one year my senior). Now, there is no competition amongst us, but a very healthy relationship where all of us love seeing each other growing up, doing well for themselves and basically being happy..

This post is just my way of thanking these inseparable parts of my life and tell them how much I love them..

Down and out..

Its been sometime since I've vented out my work frustrations on my blog but desperate conditions call for desperate measures and I certainly am bugged.. This is my fourth organisation in last five years(I know not a great track record) but I doubt I've been this frustrated anywhere or gone through this kind of politics ever or felt so humiliated and cheated, in short its been aweful. Also, I don't find any reason to stick to this place as I am not learning anything, not growing in anyway like my previous work places.

My collegues are nice but the senior management is sheer torture, their ways are beyond me and I can't see any way out, thanks to recession and lack of job opportunities.

I feel caged and sufforcated and this is one place where I can't see even hard work doing anything for me.. I want an out!!

All that matters..

Its so irksome, not having travelled anywhere outside India. Maybe its nothing but for me, it matters..
When would I..

Complacent..

At times you are so happy and content that it scares you. I am scared too, scared not beacuse it may not last, but beacuse there might not be a chance to end it properly.

And as someone said, and I defied (unnecessarily), closure definately is important. Closure in the form of an explaination, or a fight, or tears, or just a hug and a kiss: just something final which you can look back upon and say "it was good while it lasted but the end wasn't so bad either"..

Summers..

I hate summers!! I know most of us do but I’ve always justified somehow why I should like them. A new season, noise, sunshine and also because I happen to be a summer child but lately I am finding more reasons to think otherwise. The list is endless but here is goes:

- My house is swarmed with lizards, and the worst was today, I woke up and saw two of them mating in the kitchen. I got some sadistic pleasure buy throwing water at them and making them run apart.
- There are all sorts or insects, everywhere I see.
- The heat deprives me of all my energy. I come back extremely tired and go off to sleep, no socializing, no fun!!
- People around me who’ve not discovered the uses of the deodorant stink and stink real bad.
- Everything rots and smells, from the food to even the vegetables and fruits in the refrigerator.
- Everybody around me is so worked up by the heat that they get all irritable and mad.
- You cannot travel anywhere except the mountains which are dreadfully crowded.
- Shopping at Sarojini remains no fun, minus the amazing summer wear you get there at this time.
- Even water doesn’t do you any good.
- I hate the way all the exposed area gets tanned. Even those sunscreen lotions feel all sticky.
- You can’t see clearly while driving with the sun directly in your eyes. And I do wear shades.
- There is no use taking a shower, by the time I am done, am sweating again.
- Fresh is a word one can never use during summers.
- Flowers become expensive.
- Jeans become unbearable; they seem to gnaw my legs.
- I see lights on the lampposts on, in the afternoon when the sun is so brilliant that you can’t see what’s ahead of you and then we get power cuts!!
- I have to shampoo every alternate day, the hair don’t dry easily, the humidity does not allow them to and keeping the hair open does not remain an option.
- I can’t breathe.

I can go on and on but it’ll be too much on Mother Nature so I’ll stop... Summers, I guess make me bicker too!!

Little things..

Everything was the same old: I was lying on the diwan in my living room, bored, grumpy and feeling a little lonely. Books were strewn around, all three of them that I was trying to read simultaneously, there was food to occupy my attention and then the omnipresent television with its remote through which I was constantly changing channels, hoping that something/ anything interesting would catch my attention..

And luckily it did!! I came across this movie which had this song playing: “Sabse Peenche hum Khade”, a song I’d been hunting for ages now. Suddenly, life wasn’t that bad, I was smiling ear to ear and singing (trying to) that song at the top of my voice.

I wonder how little things can wash away all your glooms and a single song give you so much happiness, however short lived!!

Easy exit..

I am so glad that I don't stay in Lucknow!!

I do miss my family, my siblings but on return from every visit I get to know something that forces me to wish I hadn't gone. Every visit makes me realise how foolish I've been to trust the people I have, how unsuitable I am where politics dominates the whole scene, where non-diplomatic people (like me) do not stand a chance..

And how running away probably is the best course of action to be taken!!

Aftermath..

I wonder how important ones self-respect is.
To what lengths would one go to preserve their ego.
When would one give up and temptation take over.
Is giving up sometimes a good idea.
Happiness verses right/wrong, what’s a better choice.
Are there actually no free lunches.
How much sin can we get away with to guarantee us an average afterlife.

More about me..

I usually am the scrape goat when it comes to taking anybody’s case for my friends. And since I am not going to tell exactly what I was told, I’ve slightly tweaked the conversation to my advantage..

Reasons why any guy would love to have me in his life:

- I don’t cling.
- I love my space, my time alone with my friends minus THE guy. (Am sure any guy would understand that).
- I am commitment phobic to quite an extent.
- I don’t like mush.
- I like romance minus the frills, for me the “thought counts” more!!
- It is extremely difficult for me to express emotions.
- I don’t mind a person who drinks and smokes, imagine escaping the nag who would constantly breathe on your neck to do this or not to do that.
- I don’t crave attention.

I know this post totally lacks any sense of modesty but hey, what the heck!! Am writing after ages and I deserve it...

The guy theory..

Conversation with a friend re-affirmed the following things for me:

Guys born and brought up in metropolitan cities, though are well educated and highly exposed, lack virtues such as open mindedness, tolerance and respect. They do not mind a girlfriend who drinks/smokes, wears "westerns", is independent and wants a carrier, but for a wife, they want just the opposite of the girlfriend types.

However, small town men, who've studied/worked in metropolitans are seen to be less of hypocrites, more open minded and understanding and a lot more tolerant and considerate.

Am sure not all of them fit the above criteria but as its said, one rotten apple spoils the whole basket and I've happened to come across more than a few of the rotten ones..

I've been..

- Sleeping and lazing BIG time.
- Eating on my own.
- Job hunting...kinda.
- Reading, a lot.
- Watching television like never before.
- Wishing for things to happen.
- Cribbing.
- Wishing things were different.
- Going for a lot of coffee.
- Looking for a flatmate.
- Keeping a tab on my bank account for the first time ever.
- Missing people.

In between all of that I had a great time at my best friend's wedding, met with old friends, gave an awesome bachelors to him (that's what I presume), realised that life could be fun if you had the right people by you..

This thing called lonliness..

It was dark all around, dark and lonely and sad. It seemed that somebody had sucked the life out of her. She hated feeling that ways, procrastinating, juggling ifs and buts, trying to evade that fear that nothing would be right anymore, virtually giving it all up and running away.. She had been quite for more than ten hours and felt that if she stayed that way for a moment more, her mouth would get sealed and she wouldn’t be able to ever utter a word again, and not talking meant suicide, communicating had been her life line, her strength, probably one of the only things she prided herself for, and that fear made her scream into the empty apartment.. But there was nobody to hear her, nobody to reply or get worried and so she cuddled unto herself and let all those hushed emotions out: she cried!!

Ahem..

Juggling between finding a job AND a flatmate can be quite a task and am trying to do just that!! So anyone or who knows anyone (female), looking for a place in Gurgaon, please get in touch with me..

Help me guys!!

Coming back..

After being in Lucknow for a while now I’ve begun to see certain patterns within the place. The people here pick up whims and the whole crowd gets engrossed following the trend. The latest here is networking, everybody wants to know everyone, they talk about whose party each had gone to, discussing whose more popular.. At times it feels there’s some race happening and each wants to outdo the other but whom do they want to know, I mean who would the most popular ones want to know or do they find contentment in the fact that everybody knows them??

Perhaps it’s the festive season that’s brought out this trait amongst people or it’s the insecurity within them, the fear of being left alone?? Like wouldn’t someone want to hang out with like minded people, be around friends than just be with anyone for the heck of it??

Probably what I am seeing around me is new to me, I am unable to grasp how this place has grown like any big city where networking is a big deal, maybe being absent during this transformation has left me a little lost and I still associate myself with the city where small groups existed, where I had a tiny circle and that’s the only thing that mattered, where fun was being with them, being myself..

It’ll take me a while to grasp it all, to understand the dynamics of it, to grab the big picture but I doubt I’ll be up for it myself ever but then as I’ve always believed, it would all saturate to a single line: “ to each his own”!!

P.S: This post is not intended to offend anyone at all, its merely a something I've observed which is taking some time to sink in.

Laughter and smiles..

God, prayers, wishes, good fortune, all these words make two people pop into my head: my parents. So like always, during some pooja ceremony while thinking of them, I thought about when had I last seen my Dad laughing, laughing as in gurgling with joy, as in the eyes going small and that happy crazy sound being emitted by the vocal cords, and sadly I couldn’t remember that last time.. I remember him being happy, happiness that beings tears to the eyes, relieved happy but not “laughing”..

I then thought about me, when had I last laughed so hard that my eyes would begin to water? I sure did during school and then in college, even sometime while I was working but that seems like a distant memory now. I do remember the soundless laughter of mine but the people, the situation has faded so apparently it must have been eons ago. And then I realized that as I had begun to grow older, probably wiser, getting to know more about the world, understand the people around me better, I’d laughed lesser.

Now I crave for those unreasonable reasons that gave me such happiness, that made people around me look at me and get confused between the state of happiness and madness, when a typical look or expression from a friend resulted in fits of euphoria.. I’ve begun to long for for those moments yet again.

An angry post..

These days I find myself thinking about the two-facetness of it all: people, situations, moods, life!! I realize how taking somebody at their face value can be totally stupid and that no matter what, some people don’t change. They don’t stop being sad when somebody else does good in life or when life’s working well for a friend, irrespective of continuous efforts of that friend to be nice. They try their best to poison little things, relationships with other people to name a few..

I unfortunately happen to know somebody like that. For years I’ve tried to be nice, helping in the little way I can but mostly be happy for her. I have never wanted the same in return; just the fact that she keep her mouth shut, I mean is that asking for too much?? But no, this woman “has to” interfere in my life, she “has to” say the good part to me and be all bitchy before others.. Is it so difficult to mind your own business, keep your tongue under control and if none of these at least not be deceitful??

Damn, I hate such people and I wish I could do all but confront her, however, the very thought of disturbing all the harmony is stopping me from doing so..

The whys of my life..

Alright, without further delay, I'll get on with my nonsensical rambling..

- Why can't I get any sleep at this unearthly hour of 3:30 am?? Okie, that's fairly simple, I ended up having two mugs of coffee at Barista, getting carried away with the rains, the interesting book I was reading and by the stupid feeling of contentment that suddenly enveloped me. For a while I thought my life was awesome, to be thrown back to reality moments later..

- Why the hell did I have to "grow up"?? I mean I was dieing to become an adult, not having to go to school, earn myself, be on my own but nobody told me it would be that difficult and homework issues, boys problems, baby fat, pimples and curfew timings were but minor bits!!

- Why do I need to take decisions?? I hate doing that but neither do I like somebody else doing that for me.. It sounds cool to say that I'd rather blame myself and shit (which works for me at times too), but it never hurts to blame others..

- Why am I a Gemini (stupid one, its my parents fault!!) but I believe in the sun sign bit and think that confusion, indecisiveness, talking in paradox, not knowing what I want, being unfocused, stubborn, having my own way, being a freedom fanatic, such traits just arise due to belonging to this sun sign..

Yeh, I figured it out towards the end, its the way am born, the way I will remain and there's pretty much nothing I can do about.. I guess my whys are somewhat answered..

About homes and such..

Lucknow, especially the area I stay in has a lot of old buildings, with some new construction jutting far in between. Though I love modern architecture, those new houses with minimalist, all white interiors, dark brown furniture, huge skylights, et all but its the old homes that intrigue me.

I often happen to pass many such old homes with faded, mossed exteriors, big windows with semi broken panes and wonder about them. I imagine the interiors would probably be slightly faded with assorted furniture, things scattered, maybe a lie back chair, the ones with old floral covers, that familiar, cozy smell lingering on them. I visualise rickety, well used furniture, so old that each has a story to reveal or is occupied by its favorite people. The kitchen would be small and cluttered, very close to the living area so that when a meal is prepared, the whole house smells of it.. A washing area on the backyard with a green Videocon and a succession of clothes lines for those umpteen clothes, a circular staircase that would lead to the terrace with potted plants in assorted jars, pots, even bins or then maybe a well kept area..

I then proceed to imagine the kind of people living there. Whether it would be a big family or a nuclear one living in a big house, if they'd be a happy lot or the continuously cribbing kinds, if there would be any old people like grandparents in the house who'd have built this place with a zillion dreams and how they would be having so many memories attached to every room, every bit furniture, even the linen being used in the house.. If the house would have pictures all over the walls, telling bits about the people who've been a part of it (am especially biased towards old pictures, the black and white ones)..

But mostly I relate it to my place, a big and old house with a courtyard in the centre and even a well.. A house that is about 35 years old to which new wings have been added to accommodate additions to the family, a place which isn't that old when you compare it to the old heritage homes but its not new either, a place that I happen to love despite its clutter, inspite of the functional lines of one room merging into the other but that’s one place I'd rather be than anywhere else.. And I guess that’s what makes it home for me..

With nothing in particular..

Am writing this post for no apparent reason but merely to let myself know that I exist, in this world, on the cyberspace.. It is probably a confirmation of the fact (again to myself), that I can endure.

Basically, lots has been going on in my life, lots that am unwilling to write about at this moment. To summarise it all, currently my life is on hold, or as my dad put it, "sab kuch thama hua sa hai".. Hopefully all will be sorted out soon, till then I prefer to be cocooned.

P.S: Just realised that am talking in paradoxes.

When the fat lady cried..

After a lot of deliberations, it was decided that I would be joining my parents from Delhi to Muzzafarnagar (where my cousin’s wedding had to take place) with a friend of hers in her car. The route being slightly unsafe, we were to go to Noida to my cousin’s Mamaji’s and all the cars would move ahead together.

Muzzafarnagar is a small place with virtually no beauty saloons, I was to take the make-up artists from Delhi, which I did. I picked up these two people in my car, drove down to Sainik Farms and with the friend, to Noida. Even after reaching there on time, we were only able to begin the actual journey at 12:30 by which I was totally bugged, with a bad headache as I’d missed my morning tea (some addiction I have). Anyways, we reached safely by the evening by which I had lost my patience completely.

Chit-chatted a bit with everyone and then the bride-to-be began to get ready. I too started after an hour and a half and after the make-up and jewelry bit realized that the saree kinda thing (actually a readymade saree where you just have to slip into it like a skirt and then drape the pallu) was tight from my waist. Apparently, my contribution to my clothes limited to the extent of giving measurements and the boutique person made it as per my waist size rather than slightly below it. So for one, I had to wear it like really high, which on wearing heels looked even more short and adding to the agony, it was mildly crushed, to which there was no solution again. Now all of you must realize that I was very important at this wedding due to my singular status and I “had” to look good.

After a lot of tantrums, fights and crying before my Mom and my sisters (I dunno how and why they tolerate me at all), I managed to look quite nice and leaving the makeup artists in the hotel itself as they were to leave for Delhi the very night, we left for the venue. On reaching, I got a call from them that the cab hadn’t arrived and a commotion began. It was my responsibility to get them back and virtually after two hours of struggle, we managed to get them dropped (a different post on that fiasco later).

Ultimately the wedding was a lot of fun: I did manage to carry the saree quite gracefully, a feat in itself and got complimented too; the juta churai (shoe stealing ceremony) was a piece of cake and my brother-in-law gave me a ring for it (imagine getting an award for stealing stuff).

What I loved the most was the tata scene that all thanks to the now-bride went off without the usual crying. She’s one strong-willed person and said that she’d rather say her byes happily than going off crying. So that’s how the wedding ended, with lots of love, happiness, fun, family and laughter, the way it should have!!.

At the risk of sounding rude..

It is said that when it rains, it pours.. July-December is the busiest time of the year for me. A time when I am loaded with work; high work pressure and long hours lead to some mistakes which further trickles down to a lot of shouting and screaming, the result an extremely pathetic day.

You call home to find some solace but amidst all the marriage festivity everyone is distracted, making you miss home all the more. One by one the phone is circulated between all the aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, they laughing, singing, dancing and mocking you for not being there. The sarcasm is evident when they say “tum to bas naukri karo” (you just do your job), without realizing that this is the last thing you want to do, when all you want is to run home. The choice you’ve made is for a reason, for the sake of your independence, freedom and not for money (as mentioned a few times by some relatives).

Everybody knows that money is an important but not the only factor I work for.. What they don’t understand is that I care for what I do, that I hold responsibility for my actions, or even for the lack of it. So though I miss home terribly, the fact remains that I can’t quit everything, a fact that sooner my family accepts, the better it would be for all of us.

Behavioral confusions..

At times I fail to comprehend a lot of things, call it my lack of observance or plain ignorance. I fail to understand behavioral patterns of certain people, what makes them tick, how their psyche functions and I detest not knowing, the absence of me figuring out the reason/logic behind any kind of disorder..

It confuses me.

Conversing in the present..

Can’t get away without this one. Have been going through a strange time right now in terms of people, feelings, the very surroundings in general and all the zig-zag has left me confused and a little bugged.

All the traveling I did this month was a lot of fun. “Fun”, a word I need to remind myself of more and more: fun with work, with friends, fun reading, fun doing nothing. Anyways, I need to get back into the grind, work and yet have fun like the good ol days.

A peculiar kind of pressure has built up at home with me being the only spinster left. My younger sister gets married next month and my niece sometime this year. I can virtually hear the worry in my parents’ voices. They think that I’d be upset and all and try to keep themselves calm before me but the fact is that I got too much on my plate to even think on this issue.

This month has also been kinda an eye opener for me. My birthday made me realize about certain people I have in my life. I’ve been off on certain terms with my family but now given up. My past worked against me and I got nothing to say in my defense. But now I’ve grown up and hopefully the howling scene of the last time won’t repeat itself no matter how much it actually hurts. Am also scared of letting somebody off the hook but its inevitable.

Lately, its been impossible to control my temper regarding this dude at work. He’s not a bad chap work wise but other than that, he irritates the shit out of me. I get so pissed with his fucking behavior where he pretends to be my knight in shining armor that I can barely keep myself from abusing or slapping him. He’s trying to force me to go out for dinner with him and I CAN’T!!

Now a certain call has distracted me from the whole issue and I’d say you guys should be glad of the same or I’d have gone on and on considering my present state of insanity.

P.S: This is the first time I've used foul language in my space but I couldn't find another subsitute that would show how angry I am and am not proud of it.

Varying definations.

"This was what happiness was- he'd never known it before; this melting away, this exhalation, your guts spilling into your head, filling your eyes- your mind transformed into your body, your body instinct with the joy in your mind, this sensation of reality having met its end." The Glass Palace by Amitav Ghosh.

I found this scribbled on a piece of paper I found deep within the pockets of my bag. And I remember jotting it down because it was one of the nicest ways I'd read love being described as. I seem to derive a new meaning out of it on every read.

The undisclosed stuff..

This one’s a dicey tag: one that wants me to reveal secrets.. But as the trend goes, I’ll be slightly evasive like burf who tagged me. The list goes like this:

1.I envy people who’ve stayed in foreign countries on their own. I too want to do that just for a tiny bit of it.
2.I love my parents beyond anything.
3.I have a habit of touching my earlobe while sleeping.
4.At times I do not understand lyrics of a lot of English numbers.
5.My idea of romance includes candlelight and fragrance (and I claim not to be mushy).
6.I get embarrassed when a guy approaches me.
7.I can’t understand anything remotely concerning numbers.
8.I love wit.
9.Temptations are very difficult to let go of by me.
10.I think I’ve come this far by sheer luck and some honesty and I possess no real talent.

I think I revealed way too much than I intended to and like always, I do not pass this one to anybody. Please do it if you want to and I’d love to read it.

The long and short of it..

- I suck at treks. I did pretty well climbing up and going down but the fatigue was beyond imagination. This in spite of that hour and a half regime I've been trying to follow.
- My tolerance level is much more than I thought. The bathing area near the Temple was beyond dirty/gross, I managed to take that bath and not crib.
- People have dual personalities, personal and professional For now I like my boss and I know tomorrow I'll get back to disliking him.
- I don't know how to fend off that guy without being mean.
- That sleep after one Combiflam was blissful, I think I connected with God.
- Its strange how that one person is the only one you want to see no matter how strongly you dislike him when you are totally lost in a strange place. I couldn't control my emotions after I saw my boss after almost two hours of being lost.
- Some people inspire faith just by their mere presence.
- I am lucky, I've people who love me, I realised that on my birthday.
- My birthday/trip from which I had zilch expectations was very good.
- I need to exercise more.

Of venting it out..

I was intending to write about something else, about how I like to watch the just arrived baby pigeons that look like little fur balls in the nest on my bathroom ventilator. About how I am obsessed with hands and feet of people, probably them being one of the first things I notice about anyone, the bone structure, the length of palm versus the fingers, the neat or cluttered lines that run across it, the nails, their shape, everything, and how I click them more than the faces whenever am doing that bit of photography..

But now am going to ramble about my work. Lets be honest, am not great at what am doing currently, neither do I enjoy it half as much as I did designing but am learning, giving my best shot and trying to get there. The annual increment was depressing, although I hadn’t expected even that much but then what the heck, am human and humans compare and when I did compare with my colleagues, I felt like crap.

Adding on to the brunt, I unfortunately told the exact figures to someone!! The calculations begun, the increment against the inflation rate and then my consequential increase in purchasing power.. That sucked big time!! I mean its alright to be totally practical but at that moment I didn’t need that, I wanted a friend who could tell me that money was shit and that it didn’t matter and like my Dad always says, I don’t work for money, I work to keep myself occupied, I work because I love to do what I do and primarily I work to achieve my ultimate goal (and am not revealing that one!!). The discussion kinda hurt my dignity and probably later I’d realize the importance of this reality check, but not now.

Anyways, the only consolation is that on the whole my account shows a very good figure and I’ll be buying myself that IPod Shuffle I’ve been waiting for!!

P.S: Am damn tempted to post my salary slip and ask for comments but I know I'll regret it later on so I shall refrain!!

Through the mind's eye..

As indicated in my previous post, boredom has captured my life and inspite of my many efforts to get over it, I’ve failed miserably. This boredom has led me to visualize places I’d like to go to, mostly those the ones I’ve read in books..

-Paris: It’s considered the most romantic city of the world. The museums like Louvre,the Churches lend to the city a certain charm and mystery, especially intensified by Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code. And then its got that dream like flavour to it, lent by the painters, musicians, the architecture, I can go on..
-Egypt: Pyramids, mummies, architecture, grandeur, mystery, need I say more!!
-Kerala: “God’s own country”, how aptly said.
-Vegas: The glamour, the larger than life image, the blinding lights, the sheer richness and opulence!! I once want to have enough money to be able to blow it off at the best casino there and hopefully not regret it too.
-Russia: For reasons unfathomable to even me, but as somebody tried reasoning my own reason, romance perhaps. I got enchanted by that place after reading Ayn Rand’s We the Living.
-Bahamas: The three S’s..
-Morocco: There’s a certain royalty about that place, a cultural heritage and that enigma factor, something that most of the Islamic cities have. Plus, I like the way its pronounced..
-Ladakh: The hills, the clear blue skies and lakes, the serenity, the air that is so fresh and cold that it hurts when you breathe, the subdued paleness where one colour blends into the other, like a water painting, the whiteness so stark that you have to shut your eyes.. No I’ve not been there, not yet!!
-Tibet: Buddhism inspires me, rather fascinates me even though I do not know much about it.
-Australia: Gotta see the coral reef and witness the Opera once in my lifetime.

These are the places I’ve heard about, read about, wondered of but am sure there’d be a zillion others that though do not have the discovery or enigma factor I look for in a place, they’d be a wonder just for the beauty, the peace, the ones am still to learn of and add to the list.

Umm..

The days are a reflection of each other, one days passes and the next approaches but when you think about the past, its all a blur, simple succession, just a conversion of minutes into hours and hours into days. Sometimes it feels like that lull before the storm or being the eternal optimist that I am, autumn before spring. The excitement, that surprise element seems to have evaporated out of life and the only piece of conversation I have is how bitchy the other flat mate of mine is. I don’t even feel happy about spending those two hours at Landmark the other day, a treat I gave myself when I was totally outraged with life.

The worst part is, earlier I use to read books/blogs and get inspired by them to write something of my own, I had so much to share that ideas buzzed in my head. Now the condition is entirely opposite, there is happiness in my voice, but a hint of boredom too, the smile on my face is accompanied by a lameness of expression and if this trend continues, I’ll lose all my friends- they’d be shit bored being with me.

Currently, am bored of all the things I love: books, people, sarcasm.

To do or not to do..

Since past a lot of weekends, I’ve been home alone.. Friday nights bring me to an empty apartment that lacks basic necessities like drinking water, vegetables, grocery, et all. So I drive myself back to the market, shop, call for the water can and prepare the place for a comfortable weekend.

However, past week has seen me toying with the idea of living on my own. I mean, one has roommates to talk to, to go out with, to share but as am my own virtually on all of the above mentioned issues, the idea of being alone has been growing on me. I’ve never done that before inspite of being out for almost 9 years and I have a zillion ifs and buts, a lot of inhibitions but the thought has pre-occupied my mind tremendously. I even spoke to Mom and Dad about it and surprisingly they were alright with it. Dad even went ahead and said that I should begin to look for a studio apartment kind of arrangement in a posh locality and then he and Mom would come down to settle me in. So if all goes well, I should be out by winter beginning.

Another thought I got on my mind is a tattoo. I’ve wanted a shooting star on my ankle for ages now and after seeing Ani’s, I’ve been dying to get one. It’s a matter of preparing myself to bear all that pain and finding the appropriate person to do it that’s stopping me. Again, amazingly enough Mummy is cool with it (and I am shocked with her reaction!!).

Next comes this contemplation of putting up a picture of myself on the blog. The picture does not show much of me, just a shadow kind of thing but going so public on the blog, when I’ve never even used the names of people I know, let alone myself, seems awkward..

Am hoping I’ll come to a decision on all of the above issues, how soon is a question I need to answer for myself

J's tag.

Last movie you saw in a theater
Khuda Kay Liye

What book are you reading
Life of Pi

Favorite board game
Ludo

Favorite smells
Green Apple; Earth, post rains; Kerosene; Mint.

Favorite sound
Laughter

Worst feeling in the world
Loneliness/ Missing family.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up
Can I afford an extra five minute sleep??

Favorite fast food place
McDonald's

Future child's name
I'll reveal it after the baby comes out!!

Finish this statement. "If I had a lot of money, I'd...."
Travel, travel and travel...

Do you drive fast
Hmm.. depends entirely on where I've to get to and whom to meet.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal
I don't like sharing my bed with ANYONE.

Storms- Cool or scary
Totally cool.

What was your first car
First and current car: Wagon R.

Favorite drink
Lemonade

Finish this statement. "If I had the time, I would..."
Get bored.

Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
Only if its properly boiled and very easily chewable.

If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
I got "virgin hair" and I plan to keep it that ways..

Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in
After being tagged by J and reading his list, mine seems non-existent.. Its just Lucknow, Chennai, Gharaunda and Gurgaon for me.

Favorite sports to watch
Ice skating.

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you
He's funny and he loves to read.

What's under your bed?
My travel bag.

Would you like to be born as yourself again?
I'll have to ask my parents if they'd like to have me as me, yet again!!

Morning person or night owl
Somewhere in between.

Over easy or sunny side up
Sunny side up.

Favorite place to relax
My bed;loo.

Favorite pie
Apple pie.

Favorite ice cream flavor
After 8, basically chocolate with mint.

Of all the people you tagged this to, who is most likely to respond first?
Most of the people I know have already done this one, the ones who've not, won't be interested and the ones who are can take it up themselves.

The trust factor..

~ What makes you allowing strange electrician/ plumber/ carpenter into your house?
~ What makes you give your house keys to your maid you’ve known for months?
~ What makes you go to places in a strange cab, strange city?
~ How do you believe that stranger you’ve just asked direction from?
~ What makes you give yourself in the hands of a strange man who’ll rip open your body for that operation?
~ What makes you deposit all your money into a bank?
~ What gives to the strength to enter into matrimony with a strange man, with a few recommendations?
~ What give you the courage to cross the road during heavy traffic?

A thousand such questions run through my mind and the only answer I get from within myself is: TRUST, my trust in fellow humans, my trust in God, and somewhere in myself too.

And people tell me I don’t trust easily, crap!!

White noise

That’s what it is like, hazy, unclear, disturbing, making no sense at all. It just goes on and on and on, disturbs your senses, your ears, your eyes..

That screechy, crazy noise that makes you change the channel, switch off you television sets, before which every other sound ceases to exist and you hope that next time when you turn on your systems, the noise would vanish.. It makes you stop doing everything else, the noise is so powerful and disturbing, it bangs inside your head, turns everything upside down and if it doesn’t stop, makes you scream!!

Can you imagine yourself locked in a room, being forced to hear that blare again and again??

For me loneliness is like that “white noise”.. Call it quarter life crises when you don’t know which way to go, when all your friends are either married or dating and you find yourself all alone, no sound except the fan running or the tube light hizzing. You turn the T.V on and are greeted by that white noise and then suddenly you begin recognizing the pattern, the notes in that profound, insane noise and appreciating that crazy sound..

You’re in for trouble, you’re loosing your mind.. that white noise has begun creeping in your life!!

And how I'll miss her.

Sisters are the quintessential parts of life, a fact probably only those would acknowledge who have one. I have two sisters and although they are much older than me, they are my best friends.

However, the person I am going to write about here is though not me real sister but she’s nothing less. She’s about two years younger than me and we’ve virtually grown up together. My earliest memories of her is of us fighting over something where I hit her and she in turn bit my hand, the tiny scar of which still remains at the back of my hand as a testimony of those innocent and crazy times.

Growing up with her was having fun, playing pranks on servants, competing for attention, laughing, and yet maintain our love and friendship for each other. After standard XII both of us landed up at NIFT, different batches and centers but distance failed to damage the bond, infact we became even closer. I shared stuff with her that I probably wouldn’t with anybody else and she, though being younger showed enormous understanding and maturity for which I respect her. She made me realize how important family was and how if all of us wanted to be together, couldn’t take grudges against each other.

You must be wondering what made me write about her.. Well, she’s getting married this July and this time when I went to my Amma’s place, with her out of station, the gravity of what I’d be missing struck me. I realized how its not going to be the same henceforth, how her laughter will not fill the house, the absence of her vivacity during festivals and family occasions, the joy she brought to all of us, those mid night conversations about life, changes, dreams and boys and how Amma’s place will never be the same again for me.

I hope she continues spreading that love and happiness in the new jaundra of her life and this time too distance be only in spaces and not hearts..

When doing nothing seems the best idea..

Places make you nostalgic, things make you nostalgic, people make you nostalgic and so do memories..

This weekend I flew down home on a whim, I flew because I was scared to be alone, I flew because nostalgia had gripped me like never before and I knew that only my parents could give me that assurance, that security I was craving for.

I went home and did nothing and that nothing was so good to do that I prolonged my stay for further two days. My routine at home was like:
~ Get up in the morning around 11-11:30 am.
~ Go to my parents’ room where my dad would be working or watching TV, hug him and take that 10 minute nap.
~ My cook would come with my usual nimbu paani, tea and toast by then.
~ Wash, brush and hog.
~ Chat with Papa for an hour or two before he left for work.
~ Shower and help Mom in the kitchen or simply sit their and talk with her.
~ Wait for Papa for lunch and eat with him.
~ Laze, read, watch TV or call my neice and nephew over to my place and play with them.
~ By 7:00 in the evening I was out with my friends and came back by 10:00-10:30 pm.
~ Again sit with my parents.
~ Read till 2:00-3:00am and dose off.

Such peace and tranquility gripped me during this time that for a while I even considered quitting my job and staying on forever.. I’ve given myself a month to sit on the thought and come up with a conclusion, lets see!!

Personally speaking..

Work for me is personal!! I give 3/4th of my day to work, beginning from getting up in the morning, preparing lunch, fighting the morning traffic to get to the office at 9.00am sharp. I slog throughout the day, tolerate my boss, bear chauvinism, survive politics, smile at people I dislike and ignore lewd stares and comments...

Once home (virtually after 10-11 hours at office), my preparation for the next day begins from buying vegetables/grocery on my way home to cooking as soon as I get back so that I can call it a night early on. I hardly go out with friends on weekdays and even get nightmares about things going wrong at work.

I feel helpless seeing a vendor in a bad shape and being rude when I ignore these zillion phone calls for I don’t have answers to the questions like when they can receive the next order so that they can re-open their factories. I get traumatized by their problems, carry work tensions into my personal life.. My day at work usually dictates the way I talk to my parents, siblings and friends and yet I am asked to believe in the phrase : “Its not personal, its business!!”

Can I??

Sigh..

It began with the evening day before. I was in the office till about 8:40 pm when the meeting got over and I was asked to display my shoeline before leaving. My presentation was to take place the next day but being a little too tired, I left the arrangement mid way and headed for home. That particular day had turned out to be a bit grueling, thanks to my colleague throwing attitude for no apparent reason.

Next day was doomsday, the meeting began at 8:45 am as decided and obviously I reached late at about 9:10am due to the heavy traffic. My boss was fuming and I got a blasting before eight senior people, which needless to say was extremely embarrassing. I then goofed it up even further by forgetting all the sales figures am supposed to remember and things got from bad to worse. All the efforts that I’d been putting in all this while and the evident results had all been overlooked. I don’t know how I controlled myself from running out of the conference room at that moment. Icing on the cake was being invited (rather ordered) for the lunch and then being totally ripped apart.

The situation is still pretty grim: my colleague is in his prolonged state of insanity, my super boss believes that I am apparently not serious about my work and the top sales team assumes that am a fool for I forgot everything..

When will things get better??

Looking up..

I just happened to visit Mansi's blog and was truly inspired by her words.

Her blog forced me to think in a direction long forgotten by me and stirred something within that I thought didn't exist, rather ignored for a long, long time..

Try going through it and am sure you'll come about as a more thoughtful, if not a better person..

P.S: Thanks Mansi for commenting on my post and thereby opening me up to hopefully a better me.

Uncluttering the clutter..

Past few days have seen me cleaning spaces: literally!! I’ve cleared my cupboard, my shoe rack, my dresser, the kitchen shelves, the refrigerator, my email and cellphone inbox(s), my desktop, my feelings, thoughts, everything I could think off.. I carefully sorted out stuff, piled them into wanted, maybe and to be discarded slots and made my decisions.

The earlier ones were easy, rather welcome. It was a long weekend and I hate doing nothing so cleaning up the place was a pleasant chore. However, soon it was all done, things at home were spick and span and I found myself thinking about those mixed emotions, that inner turmoil I ignore as much as I can, the feelings I don’t admit even to myself…

All the cleaning and organizing had left me content and motivated to go on and so I took up the challenge to clear my thoughts. I contemplated on the people I’d clung on to, the people whom I called my friends but hadn’t spoken to them since ages, the people who cared so much about me without bothering if I reciprocated; I let the first ones go, decided upon the second one and began respecting the last ones..

I relived memories (all good ones because I think only the nicer ones have the ability to make you feel sad, the bad ones provoke anger) and let them pass too..

I emptied the mess in my head and now I feel exhilarated like never before.

And that's how my Dad made my day!!

Its my Dad's Birthday today and instead of I making his day, he made mine...

ME: Happy Birthday Papa!!
PAPA: Thank you beta..
ME: So what are you doing??
PAPA: Working (in his study at home)
ME: Ohh..so who else called? Did N & G (my sisters) wish you??
PAPA: Not yet.
ME: See, I am your best daughter..right?
PAPA: Yes, you are my best daughter..

And Papa said it with such love and affection that it instantly brought a smile on my face, all my worries were dispelled and I felt all loved and pampered, just like a small child, just like his youngest daughter!!

Am I getting weird??

These days I find myself praying for Mr.Bully's (read my boss) happiness because he has the ability to screw up mine...

Saturday night..

Breaking monotony, having fun, Absolut, chips, crackers, smoke, good old days, music, laughter, insights, confessions, crying, sadness, keeping the volume low, three roomies, comfort, hesitations, going back in time, malice, cribbing, bonding, warmth, phone, conversations, depth, joy, stories of new found love, giggles, questions..

And that's how that Saturday ended, or Sunday began!!

Smile..

Desperately needing a cheer after a blasting from my boss (and expecting another one after he's done with the meeting), I decided to be stubborn and began reading old blogs of friends instead of working. I randomly reached Aparna's blog and while going through her ancient posts, came across this one.

Its a copy paste but made me smile, hope it has a similar effect on you..

Take a few minutes and read these. Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to
the next one.........

> Falling in love.
> Laughing so hard your face hurts.
> A hot shower.
> No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.
> A special glance.
> Getting mail.
> Taking a drive on a pretty road.
> Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
> Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
> Hot towels out of the dryer.
> Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!)
> A long distance phone call.
> A bubble bath.
> Giggling.
> A Good conversation.
> The beach.
> Finding a $20 bill (or $100) in your coat from last winter.
> Laughing at yourself.
> Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
> Running through sprinklers.
> Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
> Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
> Laughing at an inside joke.
> Friends.
> Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
> Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
> Your first kiss.
> Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
> Playing with a new puppy.
> Having someone play with your hair.
> Sweet dreams.
> Hot chocolate.
> Road trips with friends.
> Swinging on swings.
> Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
> Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
> Going to a really good concert.
> Winning a really competitive game.
> Making chocolate chip cookies.
> Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
> Spending time with close friends.
> Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
> Holding hands with someone you care about.
> Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
> Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
> Watching the ex-pression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
> Watching the sunrise.
> Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

Bit by bit..

Handicrafts in India form a major source of income to the rural segment of our society. The income is meager but aspirations high. I came to realize the importance of handiwork on my last visit to Sambal, a tiny district close to a small Uttar Pradesh town of Muradabaad.

Muradabaad is primarily famous for its brass work but a lot of small crafts like “dari” (rug) making, zari work, block printing co-exist in its shadow. One such craft cluster I saw was dari making, an art where rugs are woven on a loom like, locally made machine. The material used is strips of wasted cloth or seconds blankets from Ludhiana factories.

What struck me about this place was its people and the conditions they worked under. A tiny courtyard is occupied by the loom, the cloth strips, a cooking area with utensils, domestic animals such as goats and chicken and last but not the least, a tiny cot. The artisans play loud music while working to maintain focus and are able to complete 3-4 rugs in a day.

On speaking to them about the hardships they faced while cultivating the crafts, they poured their hearts out. I was told how these poor and most of the times illiterate people were cheated by giving them huge orders and then later deceived for all the hard work put in by them. Lack of working capital forced them to borrow money at huge interest rates by pawning whatever little they had and after the production was complete, a dozen quality issues cropped up and the inspector refused to take the stock. These men were then forced to sell it off at the price desired by the buyer for the fear of hoarding stock. These craftsmen earn barely a rupee or two per piece and are even content with that.. I couldn’t believe that people could be so merciless and deprive these uneducated men of even their due share.

These artisans who are engineers, designers and pillars of a diminishing craft are dying a slow death and no one is paying heed to them. A little motivation, support and encouragement can go a long way. I am trying to do my bit and pray that the Government tries to do theirs before its too late..

Accident..

Past two days have been kinda crazy for me. I commute a distance of 5 kilometers on a cycle rickshaw, all thanks to the accident I had on Friday evening. A truck rammed into the front of my car, completely destroying the bumper, lights and the grill. So now, all credit to the awesome Gurgaon infrastructure, it takes me 45 minutes to cover a distance of 10 minutes.

Its freezing cold outside at 8:15 am (yes, that’s when I leave my home) and I have to wrap myself from head to toe before I set a foot outside. I than need to walk for about 10 minutes before I finally manage to get a rick. Once on board, I am free to look around and observe but I can’t do that either for its all dusty and your eyes are at constant threat if you dare to open them before you reach the destination. Anyhow, I do manage to squint a bit and witness people doing funny things while they halt at the red light. I see people picking their nose, combing their hair, checking themselves in the rare view mirror, applying lipstick, shouting on somebody over the phone or singing loudly along with FM in their cars and I smile..

I wonder how many of my such idiosyncrasies have been witnessed by others.. Have they seen me eating my breakfast while waiting for the light to turn green or applying lip balm that I frequently do or enjoying that piece of chocolate I have secretly hidden in my car or shouting abusives at a fellow careless driver..

Also on my rickshaw ride I feel the wind on my face, direct and so harsh that it manages to water my semi-opened eyes and yet I feel refreshed by it. I realize the worth of my car when I miss the hot air blowing at my feet from the blower and think how I would not have “really” enjoyed the winters without this experience..

I crib, I observe, I smile and I also laugh thinking of my Dad’s comment when I told him about my accident “ The world is certainly a safer place to live in with your car in the garage!!”

Growing old..

A conversation with G on his Birthday..

Me: Hey, Happy Birthday..
G: Thanks!!
Me: So whats happening?? What’ll you be doing??
G: Nothing much, will probably go out with family..
Me: Why, what happened to A, S and the rest of your friends??
G: Thay are all busy..
Me: Hmm.. Don’t worry you treat me when I come home..
G: Sure..
Me: So who else called??
G: Nobody really, just you and R..
Me: Ohhh..
G: Tell me something Sam, why do the number of calls on your Birthday decrease as you grow older??
Me: Hmm..

It was a normal Birthday kinda conversation and then suddenly with one line it changed into something else.. I began pondering on why the number of calls gradually declined once we grew older because as you grow old, you come across more people, increase your social circle.. You make some friends and lose a few but more or less its balanced..

Couldn’t figure that one out!!

Wearing six yards something..

With my brother’s marriage approaching and I being the only unmarried/ un-engaged female in the family, get more than required attention from my parents and relatives. Right now the latest hue and cry is what I’d be wearing for the “D Day”…

After a lot of discussions, arguments and fights, the junta came to a common conclusion that a sari would be the ideal choice. I was duely called home for the weekend and taken all over the city to pick what I liked. Finally when we had all given up, we went to this last boutique where I found exactly that I wanted. It was a whitish-silverish thing that caught my attention right away.

Now the guy draped the sari on me. The end was tucked, the pleats folded and secured with a belt. The loose end was draped perfectly on my shoulder and I felt transformed. I thought I’d be all clumsy and funny, (considering the fact that I never wear a salwaar kameez, let alone a sari) but nothing like that happened. I felt more mature, more in command and unfortunately a little older too. The funny, confused kid had suddenly vanished and what I saw in the mirror was a new me.

There was a kind of adrenaline rush, a fear and I so wanted to cling on to my old self. Me, who couldn’t even carry a scarf properly and giggled at the stupidest of things was feeling all grown up. But I knew that something had changed, a change that though doesn’t come about by merely changing your clothes but probably by the way you begin to view yourself, with a different perspective, a different way..

Between them and me..

Lately I’ve been going through posts which repeatedly clarify how much the authors love their parents, friends, spouses.. No offense to them but initially I thought that it was quite sweet of them to do that but gradually when the pattern repeated itself I was forced to think otherwise. I don’t understand if they are trying to convince themselves or the world of their affection towards the loved ones..

I perceive these things in a different light altogether. For me, the people I love are taken for granted. It sounds pretty crude but then I feel all the things that are really important to us like sunshine or air are there for us all the time. We don’t get up every morning and say “thank God there’s sun today” because we know that we can rely on it to come out each day.

Likewise, I don’t tell my parents/ family/ friends how much I love them all the time because they are my family and friends and they’d better be there!! I usually let my actions do most of the talking, a big hug, a tiny peck, its usually gestures and actions for me.. Probably am not a very vocal person and don’t express myself explicitly but I know that they know and I guess that’s what eventually matters..

Anyhow, its to each his own!!

Feeling good..

Winters always remind me of books, movies, everything larger than life, everything beautiful..

I drive down to work and often find myself imagining empty roads, good music and that beautiful white mist all around..Or when the work gets too hectic and life a little too confusing, I picture myself all curled up in a bean bag with a good book and hot tea..Walking down the road on a chilly morning with breeze on the face..thinking a zillion times before pouring that mug of water on my head..that hot water bottle on my feet..that accentuated smell of flowers in my room..

Winters do this to me..they rejuvenate me, make me happy about life and give me the strength to believe in the phrase: "All will be good"..

WINTERS..

Of wanting to end it on a happy note..

An end of another year,
..of memories, happiness and some regrets too..

A new begginning,
..hopefully to a great future!!

P.S: Happy New Year to all!! :)

Vanished..

They were disappearing one by one..
Till the last of them vanished..

A clue to give in..
A clue to not look back and be sad,
But cherish what there ever was..

And yet there is hope..

Wishing I could do more..

I work as a buyer for one of the biggest footwear firms in the country. The enormity of the above sentence struck me on my last visit to Kolkata. I, for the first time realized the power I held and how the fate of a few hundreds depended upon the decisions I took, the mistakes I committed and the feeling was far from making me feel good!!

I work with a wide array of businessmen, some who have been into shoe making for years and yet others who’ve just begun. They have invested so much of themselves into it, both financially and emotionally and it breaks my heart when I have to cancel orders, reject supplies, and basically do all the dirty work…

I met this young man who has been trying very hard to work things out with us, giving us the best prices possible, sampling footwear for us like crazy but unfortunately he goofed up in production and we had to stop it. It was so disheartening to see his factory almost empty and being the one responsible for its state, even to an extent..

Another is this old guy who has been working with us for past 28 years and does the basic, low priced chappals. I went to meet him and he told me how for the first time in all these years his factory has been shut down due to lack of work. I felt like burying myself right there but at times you are nothing but helpless. I can’t buy products which are not selling so I decide to give them new designs, get them developed and pray that they will sell, both for them and for my conscience sake..

Now I fully understand the meaning of the phrase “with power comes responsibility” and I don’t like the sound of any of it!!

Funsake..

You are a Brainy Girl!

Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books. You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more. For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests. A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!

You Are a Coy Flirt!

You're not so much a flirt as the type of girl who draws flirts in While you look like you're just relaxing, secretly you've got your game on A little look here, a little wink there... you give men the encouragement they crave And in return, they flirt up a storm with you - while you just sit and smile

Your Travel Personality Is: The Adventurer

For you, travel is how you learn about the world. And you like to learn the stuff that's not in guidebooks. You truly have wanderlust. When you're not traveling, you're dreaming about where you'll go next. And your travels are truly legendary - they leave you with stories you'll be telling for the rest of your life!

You are White Chocolate

You are White Chocolate You are sweet, caring, and truly very innocent.Whether your naive ways are a bit of act or not, people like to take care of you. You are a quiet flirt, and your power is often underestimated!

Time passing at: www.blogthings.com

And thats how its done.

Took up this one from J ...on discovering, tagging, blogging, commenting... Don't know how many tags I've done until now but anyways, here it goes:

BLOGGING: Was introduced to it by a friend about an year ago and when I begin to reason why I blog, am left with the following answers:
- I began because I wanted to maintain that standard of English (though there's not much to "maintain") for I believe that by stopping to write, one forgets the appropriate words to express themselves.
- I love to write; find it easier penning my thoughts on paper, reasoning out things than talking it out.
- Reading what others think about issues, getting various perspectives, learning new things fascinates me.
- After being here, I've realised that certain emotions I feel are not mine alone and that I got company!! :)
- Met some amazing people here to whose writings I always look forward to...

DISCOVERY: Refer to "blogging", pretty much covers it all..

COMMENTING: I love to read, be it about an issue, something funny, anything arbit, basically anything at all. And on reading, if I like it or I don't like it, I choose to speak out..

Am done with another tag and it just hit me that my tags are beginning to make just a little sense after all..

The tag's passed on to anyone who chooses to take it.

A random discussion, a funny discovery..

This conversation with a male friend of mine began with the usual topic: girls!! He was telling me how these nice, intelligent females were all taken by the so called “studds”, forcing me to bully him saying that why didn’t he get one then… he was in a confessional mood and admitted that these dudes were a class apart. Basically they were par excellence at everything: academically, socially, sports, theatre, you just had to name it.

My comment that such people, through extremely intelligent often saw professional failures made me realize a thing or two in the due course. Reasoning began: the logic behind the theory was that such people, wherever they went, found the work, the place and the people below their standards (no fault of theirs!!). Being of a much higher I.Q, the scope of learning and growth were limited compared to us mere mortals who struggle each day even for the completion of the smallest tasks and felt great sense of achievement when our boss appreciates it.

This friend contributed too. He told me that with him in IIT, there was this guy, an all India JEE high ranker, in short BRILLIANT!! Post college, he appeared for CATs and the only preparation done by him was to fill his form. Success again: he got through all the IIMs and chose Bangalore. This gentleman then interned at one of the most reputable finance firms in the world and was given a job offer; he declined it and joined a consultancy firm only to quit in the coming four months. The dude has been sitting idle for past year and a half!!

For the first time in my life I realize that I’m blessed with lesser I.Q. At times, it takes ages for me to understand things, I goof up, make a zillion mistakes and ask even more questions but I work hard and learn and appreciate a day well gone after that tiny pat on my back from my boss…

The BIG deal about getting married..

Being off age and obviously being surrounded by people of the similar age bracket, a lot of my friends/ relatives are getting fixed for marriage. And man, the moment they realize that soon the knot will be tied, they begin to behave strangely. Here are a few examples of the temporary lapse of mental abilities I’ve noticed in people:

- A friend of mine began drinking every evening and smoking heavily. Once upon a time, he was a sane fellow and resorted to stuff once in a while.

- This girl friend I have did smoke earlier on but quit. She said that soon she’ll be married and have a family and smoking would not be good for it all and I so respected her for behaving so mature. A month ago she got fixed and since then has been smoking everyday, says soon she’ll be married and won’t be able to do it anymore. What was the point quitting anyways??

- Another relative who’ll soon be in-the-loop is an example I must put here. During college, this bloke was into smoking, drinking, wrong company and ate non vegetarian food, infact loved it (I DO NOT see any harm in that, so all the carnivores, no offense intended, just read on!!). Then he suddenly grew up when he moved out of town (another classic, people “get into” such stuff after leaving home) and quit everything to the point of stop eating even egg. He got into yoga, meditation, even fasting once a week. To present: he’s slowly getting back to it all!!

I’ve begun to wonder what actually does happen to people?? Are they happy/ sad or scared of the prospect and if any of the latter two, why go for it until you aren’t ready… I’ve heard that the prospect of losing their freedom freaks them out and if I begin to think on those lines, I wouldn’t get married ever because not being free scares the shit out of me. I wonder does it actually happen that you get bound post marriage or does it become a taboo to have fun?

But the question that on top of my mind is : “Will I too become paranoid and indulge into idiotic things when it happens to me??

Happens..

And then it all comes back,
The times shared,
Moments spent,
Life lived...

And you relive it all in your head and wish...

Of questions,answers and confusions too...

Yesterday after the shoeline presentation, which surprisingly went pretty well, we attended this seminar called “How to gain Self Confidence- Amazing Secrets to boost your Confidence” by an outside speaker Mr. Rajiv Mathur.

He began the session with a prayer and requested us all to close our eyes and kind of meditate (which by the way I didn’t do). Being primarily a session aimed at motivating marketing personnel, the talk revolved around those areas. The topics mainly discussed were Self Growth, Positive thinking and Risk Taking and having heard the same for a zillion times and not belonging to the marketing division, the discussion failed to impress me much. However, being the only female in a crowd of forty did not give me that privilege of not concentrating as the speaker’s and my bosses eyes often sought mine amidst any discussion.

Although I give due credit to the presenter, the session was a drag. One of a very senior person in my office and few of the people I actually respect, Mr. Anant Ranjan’s contribution was however impossible to ignore. Two of the things he said were:

- While discussing why our company was not performing as well in contrast to others, inspite of having the biggest infrastructure, distribution and networking in India, Mr. Ranjan said “ours is like Gulliver (from Gulliver’s Travels) and these small firms have tied us down. Now its upto us to realize our strengths, break those shackles and rise again.” Funnily enough I quite liked the comparison and remember it in that state of semi consciousness.

- Another input by him while discussing how to bring out that hidden potential in an employee was “a job either brings out the BEST or the BEAST in you, the difference is just of an ‘A’”.

I thankfully left the conference mid-way inspite of his superb comments but there are a few things that I gathered from it. I understood that though I did like what Mr. Ranjan said but at times you cannot figure out why. Am in process of finding that answer for myself…

The irony of it all!!

People change...
Feelings change...
But surprisingly enough, the words remain the same!!

Issues...

- 7:00 am every morning: The alarm buzzes and I get up from my warm bed, put it off and go back to sleep…

- 8:00 am: The maid knocks the door; I open it and crawl back into my bed for that 5 minute, ever precious sleep.

- 8:10 am: I get up with a jolt, realize that those five minutes have stretched upto ten and I really really need to rush to be in the office at 9:00 am.

- 8:55 am: 5 minutes to go and am tying my shoe laces, shoving my breakfast of fruit into a paper bag and giving instructions to my maid, all simultaneously!!

- 9:00 am: Am in my car and driving like a woman possessed who’s trying to break some kind of record of commuting from DLF to the Bata building, with the heavy morning traffic and the metro work in progress, in 7 minutes flat. And yay!! I do it every time…

- 8:30 pm: Am still at work and trying to figure out how would I ever manage to buy that pair of jeans I so desperately need (have been wearing this one for almost two weeks now, with one in laundry and the other one LOST!! plus umpteen whose fit I don’t like anymore... sigh...)

- 8:35 pm: Realise that I just have to get that jeans, it’s a question of life and death now and I simply cannot wear this anymore. Again my drive takes me to the malls.

- 8:45 pm: Am soo lucky!! The Levis store is open and I manage to grab a pair only to realize that I fit into one size larger than the one am wearing. Hell freezes and I complain to the salesman; he gives me crap like it’s a slim fit and hence the size variation. Although its some consolation but then, what crap!! Give me the fit I already wear but phuleese make me fit into the previous size… I decide to go on a diet. Period.

-9:15 pm: My flatmate joins me and we happily go to the food court and hog on the oohhh so delicious pasta.

Back to point 1: Did any of you try wondering why the hell do I set my alarm for 7.00 am everyday when I have to get up only after 8:00?? Well, every single evening, post dinner I realize how much weight I’ve put on and pledge to go for a run in the morning. But then those sleep devils coax me into that just-a-five-minute sleep and I happily give in to the temptation: yet again!!

Tags and some more..

Well, here I take a tag again to fill that blog vaccum... Somehow lately I haven't been able to think of anything worthy enough of a post so the tag shall have to do. I was tagged by Memyself_n_I and here it goes:

-Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it:I have a tiny scar just above my right eye, got it as a child while playing don't know what.

- What does your phone look like? My phone, well I use a Reliance so don't have much of a choice... Got a Nokia 6265 and now I don't even know why I invested into such an expensive cellphone (according to my standards), hardly use any of its functions!! :(

- What is on the walls of your bedroom? Well nothing at all, I am a minimalist. ;)

- What is your current desktop picture? You all know whats on my PC at work, my laptop has this picture of my best friend and me in Goa!! :D

Will this ever end?? Whewww...

- Do you believe in gay marriage? Totally, its absolutely individual and I respect it.

- What do you want more than anything right now? Leave my current job...just run away!!

- Are your parents still together? Yes.

- Last person who made you cry? Some jerk I don't even want to mention here.

- What is your favorite perfume/cologne? Gucci/ Lacoste

- What are you listening to? Nothing, my office doesn't permit people enjoying their work, though am humming Lemon Tree.. :)

Why am I writing this?? Does it make any difference at all??

- Do you get scared of the dark? Nope, not at all, woudn't survive in Gurgaon otherwise..

- Do you like pain killers? Whaaaa?? Who began this tag anyways?

- If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? Nothing, just had a chocolate, all to myself.. ;)

- Who was the last person who made you mad? This colleague of mine who has a major attitude problem.

- Who was the last person who made you smile? Am mad, at times I smile for no obvious reasons, but well, here I'll give it to S.

- Is someone in love with you? Yep..think so.. ;)

Yay!! I did it!! And now it my turn to do the honours. So the tag goes to Sangfroid, Adi Crazy, Ani and Sreejith plus whoever wants to take it up..Till then!! :)

My feel good factors.

- Reading a good book with a hot chai during rains.
- Driving back home from work after a particulary hectic day...good music, empty roads.
- Hanging out with friends and laughing your lungs out for no apparent reason.
- Having a heart to heart with an old friend after a long time.
- My family laughing at the of stupidest jokes I crack...
- Eating good food at a nice, quiet place, surrounded by people you want to be with.
- Feeling the sun on your face on a cold, winter morning..
- The spitter splatter of rains...
- Being nasty and getting away with things that my male friends can't, just by giving your best smile.
- Those very brief crushes..
- Getting up in the morning, being all ready for work and then bunking it, just for a two hour sleep!!
- Watching my niece and nephews grow up.
- Coming across an old mail, note with memories attached to them..
- Getting goose bumps on watching a very romantic movie.
- Discussing good old college days.
- Freedom...